It’s a confusing time to be a Richmonder. Thank goodness we are surrounded by many forms of alcohol!
It’s the weekend, Richmonders! And what a week it was! “Not even NASA Expected to Find This on Pluto,” says Weather.com–which I’m pretty sure is just about, like, mountains. But also (and this is truly in all caps, which is how Weather.com has to elevate its actual emergencies from its regularly alarming headlines) “SIGNIFICANT DAMAGE, ACCESS TO AREA SHUT DOWN.” Turns out, that’s about a tornado in Illinois, so don’t go rerouting your GPSes just yet. Not sure yet what Weather.com will do in the case of a national weather event, but I’m pretty sure the website will have to blink neon yellow and play Cradle of Filth in order to get my attention these days. “Very hot” is the useful information you’re looking for in this paragraph. Apparel translation: Bug spray.
In case you missed it
Booze Week, which is really two weeks because we are full of a fortnight’s-worth-of love for local alcohol production, kicked off this week. Read everything here, and then try REALLY hard not to feel buzzed afterwards. That’s just the buzz of pride in your town, flavored with a hint of alcoholism.
Oh, that brings up an important point. Alcoholism is actually not a joke, and if you suspect that drinking is now negatively affecting your life or the life of those around you, or if you need alcohol in order to function, you should seriously consider looking into AA. All kidding aside, it has done wonders for plenty of people I know personally, and it is absolutely in your control to take your life back over. And they will help you.
The serious note is now complete
I particularly enjoyed Maat Free’s #untoldRVA 5 Things: Open Air Cinema Edition, because I like movies and tolerate the outdoors. A movie ABOUT the outdoors, watched in the open air…that would be too much.
My other favorites this week were Sam Davies’s thoughts about boredom (mental note: talk to Sam about how wonderful meditation is), interviewing Blue Bee Cider, and Matthew Freeman’s advice for other step-parents.
FUN FACT: Matthew wrote that for me with 24 hours notice. I wish he were MY stepdad. I bet my house would run like wayyyyy more of a well-oiled machine.
Next week, as I mentioned, we are riding this wave of RVA alcohol directly onto the beach, whence we will alight from our boozy surfboard with grace. We’ll also be bringing you more 10 x 10 action, a discussion of how you might start to somewhat despise your pets once you have kids, updates to our Confederate Media Timeline, a few suggestions to fill the void of the dear departed to Fall Line Fest, and some other stuff.
Just a note: I’ve read a lot of comments lately that hypothesize that the media gleefully capitalizes on things like the Great Confederate Flag / Heritage Not Hate / #blacklivesmatter / Down with Monuments debate. I can’t speak for CNN, but believe me, we aren’t gleefully doing anything over here, and nobody is knocking on the door with a sackful of Union dollars for us to cover the debacle. We’d be thrilled if we no longer had to report that some of our fellow citizens are actively disinterested in making Richmond a welcoming, inclusive place. Nobody’s prancing about–it’s mostly just weary sighing whenever the subject comes up. How sweet would it be if the entire country could just settle gracefully into the 21st century?
Reasons to stay in bed
- Spinoza is such a weird bear, and I laughed so much at it until I did more research and found out that it is/was given to kids who are facing huge (usually medical) obstacles. Then I felt so bad I wanted to lie on my stomach with my pillow over my head for one week.
- Wilco, the greatest band still living, released a free album this week, which I got all gaspy about until I realized that I subscribe to Rdio and could have listened to it anytime I wanted anyway.
- The trailer for the new Starz series Ash vs. the Evil Dead is available for viewing. It is our civic duty to make our predictions loudly and publicly as to whether or not it is going to be worth figuring out how to watch a Starz program.
- I’m not trying to undermine the severity of Illinois’s tornadoes, but it’s too hot to leave the house this weekend. Aim a fan directly at yourself, place an ice cube under each armpit, and think about Maine.
Reasons to get up
- WE HAVE WITNESSED MAJORLY COOL CELESTIAL HISTORY! I was drowning in scientific details that my simple liberal arts brain could not understand, until I read this Vox thing.
- This was almost a reason to stay in bed, but I decided you needed to read about Frexting so that you can get up, find everyone you know who embarks on this totally dumb behavior, confiscate their phones, and shout one of two things that I have crafted for you in order to save you time. 1) WHY DO YOU NEED TO PERPETUATE THE OBSESSIVE NEED OF WOMEN TO STRIP DOWN AND/OR PLAY SOME WEIRD SEXY PART TO GET APPROVAL OF SOMEONE, MALE OR FEMALE?! and 2) HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FEMALE FRIEND WHO IS NO LONGER A FRIEND? YOU JUST MADE YOURSELF REALLY VULNERABLE TO POSSIBLE AND PROBABLE PUBLIC HUMILIATION ONE DAY, CHUM. But I think you’re probably not going to have to use either, because I doubt this really even happens.
- You’ll definitely want to get out of bed, because now I’ve planted the Frexting seed in your brain and you are very, very likely to try it out with a Sleepy Pouty Pillow Face Selfie. Remove yourself from the temptation!
- The upside of Confederate Symbol weariness is that I’m 98% finished perfecting my written impression of “Like it or not, this is our history!” people. Spoiler: they’ll sound a lot like Clickhole’s written impression of people who probably throw around the term “feminazi” whenever a lady wonders why she’s getting paid less than her male colleague.