It’s been a mighty eventful year when it comes to celebrity f*ckery, but as there’s only so much room on the Internet, I had to narrow it down to the ten best moments. Here they are, in somewhat chronological order.
1. RIP, Anna Nicole.
On February 8, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in her hotel room in Florida (seemingly from a drug overdose), just a few months after her son’s sudden death while he was visiting Anna shortly after she gave birth to her daughter, Dannielynn. Her death created a media explosion, not just because of its sketchy circumstances, but also because of the 50 million men who came forth to claim Dannielynn as their daughter, including Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband because why not?
2. Britney “Sineads” it all over this piece.
Or as TMZ announced it, “Britney Shaves Her F&*%ing Head!!!” Shortly after returning from one of her many day trips to rehab, Britney visited a salon in Tarzana, California, and asked one of the stylists to shave her head. When she was refused (because, seriously, who would want to be attached to that train wreck?), Brit took the clippers on herself, shearing off her long brown locks and setting the tone for her craziest year to date (which included this and this, among other moments of insanity).
3. Rosie yells at the pretty lady.
Fresh off her feud with Donald Trump and her casual mocking of Asian people, Rosie O’Donnell got ticked off at The View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck for not standing up for Rosie’s right to question the Bush administration. Basically, it was something like, “I can’t believe you didn’t tell them to stop picking on me. I thought we were friends.” The whole thing reminded me of something that would happen in Mean Girls, except only one of the girls was pretty.
5. Paris goes to jail, finds the Lord, meets a fetus.
After arrests and citations for drunk-driving, reckless driving, driving with a suspended license, driving WITHOUT HER HEADLIGHTS ON, and some more driving with a suspended license, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in prison. After eventually dropping her appeal to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for a pardon (and after attending the MTV Movie Awards, because they *needed* her there!), Paris began her sentence on June 5. A few days later, the L.A. Sheriff reassigned her to 40 days of house arrest. But, much to the delight of most of America, a boo-hooing Paris was ordered back to jail. She discussed her hard time with Larry King two days after her release, mentioning that she thought a lot about God while in jail and even read the Bible like a ton.
4. Lindsay does rehab^3
Following stints in rehab in January and May, Lindsay Lohan showed that she really means it this time by entering the Cirque Lodge in Utah in July to get treatment for substance abuse. This happened only after her second arrest for mixing drugs and alcohol with vehicular shenanigans, for which she served a rough 84 minutes in jail. I bet Paris was pissed.
That’s all I’m going to give you for now. I’m waiting to finalize items 6 through 10 on my list as there are still 6 days left of 2007. Who knows what those celebs could do with all that time?