Robot Hearts: Wash that man right out of your hair (and then be careful how you go about getting it dirty again)
OK, reader who submitted the second question! Let’s go ahead and treat the reader who submitted the first question as a cautionary tale, not an inspiration. Just to be safe.
Question #1
I have an interesting situation and I wanted to hear some solid advice (Susan) and some so-absurd-it might-just-work-advice (Jack) on the topic. Recently I met a man over the internet. We both belong to a book forum where members exchange book reviews, insights, and other nerdy types of things. I’ve been emailing with this man, we’ll call him “Jason”, for a few months now. At first we really hit it off on a very deep, intellectual type of level. I enjoyed his personality and intellect, and we even started to go as far as exchanging insights on sex and dating. In the past month we have escalated this internet courtship and began sending naughty pictures to each other via email and picture text. At first the pics were somewhat innocent (me in a bra, his naked torso, etc.), and then after awhile we started sending full nude pics, including pictures of our faces. I admit, “Jason” turns me on. We send dirty texts almost hourly now and often I find myself fantasizing about him.
He lives two hours away, and now, after 4 months of emailing (1 month of sexual emailing), he wants to meet up. He has even offered to get a hotel room and meet for a one night rendezvous. I consider myself the adventurous type, but should I really be meeting a complete stranger in a random hotel for a filthy sexual encounter? This isn’t the movies and I’m pretty sure that he isn’t going to be as nice as Tom Hanks. I’m scared, intrigued, and sort of wondering if this is all a bit slutty. What would Robot Hearts do?
– “You’ve Got (Dirty) Mail” in the Fan
Susan: Here’s my worry with all of this — I mean besides the obvious safety issues, which I will address in a second. Maybe I’m just supremely awkward, but it’s easy for me to imagine heating it up via the internet and texts and whatnot, but the idea of actually meeting someone face to face in a hotel room to whom I have bared my naked self over the internet makes me squirm. That sounds bad. I don’t mean I’d rather have electronic relationships than real face-to-face ones, I’m just thinking of the actual first hour, which in my imagination would be so painfully uncomfortable that actually going through with it would be rather daunting. But perhaps you are talented at steamrolling your way through awkward situations involving naked internet pictures, so if you’re OK with that, let’s move on.
Maybe the reason you’re concerned suddenly about this fantasy becoming a reality is that it sounds like at some point there was a shift from “He likes me, he really likes me!” to “He likes my naked pictures, he really likes my naked pictures!” I’d say full speed ahead if it sounded like all you were interested in was a quick night at a hotel, but you mentioned his personality and intellect — the first things that attracted you to him. Before any pictures were exchanged, you dug this guy, and all of a sudden it’s gone from a possibly promising connection with another human being to yet another guy who wants you to lose your clothes. It’s not really anyone’s fault. Hormones are powerful things, and it doesn’t mean that all that banter and shmoozing he was doing in the beginning was some clever ruse. I’d say you need to propose a scenario that is comfortable for you. How about “Why don’t we get dinner and see how it goes?” or “Hey, there’s a special event happening, would you like to accompany me to it?” or “Why yes, I would love to see you! Within the customary wrappings of denim and cotton that we call clothing!”
If he jumps at that chance (and probably takes that hint to reboot his system and approach this all from the dating angle), then go for it. Just please, please tell at least one person about your plans and your whereabouts, and check in with that person at a previously agreed-upon time. If he loses interest, he’s one of those dudes. Discard and move on.
Jack: You done putting me to sleep, Susan? Okay now that Mom has put in her two cents, let’s talk turkey. Clearly you have some sexual interest in addition to the intellectual interest with this guy. So where’s your Lewis and Clark spirit here? Okay so you should be somewhat safe (bring mace, condoms, have your will prepared) but c’mon!? There is no rule that says a meaningful relationship can’t begin with a depraved session of awkward, “Ouch, ouch, you’re sort of biting me”, somewhat decent sex in a sleazy motel room. If that’s a rule, then I want a sit down with the rulebook-maker guy.
It’s clear from the tone of your email that you are excited about this situation. You like the attention and the danger of it. Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with breaking free from the bore of dating “bores” and being, well, a bad girl? If you are currently unattached then no, there is not. It’s healthy to take a few calculated or, in this case, completely blind risks.
As for Susan’s advice to change the sexual rendezvous to a “dinner meeting” or a “special event”, uhh yeah, I hope you enjoy emailing with this guy because it’s highly likely that you will never be meeting him in person with that move. There are plenty of women who try to pull moves like that and you know what we call these women??? Cat Ladies. They got lots and lots of cats. Cats have replaced men in their lives. Tell ’em Suze.
A side note here: You may want to look for the ol’ tan line on the ring finger when you meet him. This setting screams “I’m married!!!”
Susan: You are so despicable sometimes that I can’t even respond to you. I’m pretty sure you just said that women who want to be taken out are women who are doomed to cat-hood. Oh, or a relationship. I just realized that you think those two things are the same.
Question #2
OK, I won’t bore you with too many details about my cliche relationship problem. Let’s just say that I’ve been with this guy for almost five years, we’ve never been happy for more than a couple of months at a time, and we’ve broken up probably fifteen times. Even my closest friends are starting to refuse to listen to me complain anymore, and I don’t blame them. I’m sick of it too. It just needs to end so I can move on with my life. That’s the problem, though. I think I have a little trouble with that part. I’m not the kind of person who handles these things well (hence the fifteen breakups), and it’s extremely difficult for me to run headlong into something that’s going to cause me pain. We break up, I feel miserable and lonely, he cries a little and I tell him to come back, just to make the pain go away. Repeat repeat repeat! Any tips on how to break this cycle and get me over the hump?
– “Tired of My Broken Heart” in the Museum District
Jack: This is a question I can actually relate to. I know the vicious cycle of break ups to make ups. There were a few weekends where I broke up with a girl on a Friday afternoon so I could go out that weekend, but then we would inevitably be back in bed saying “I love you” over and over by that Sunday’s eve. It sucks to be caught in that vortex and it simply is not good for one’s mental health. How can you really love this other person yet still want out of the relationship so badly? And more importantly, how do you finally break free?
This is my answer for pretty much every question on Robot Hearts, but I’m sure any sane person would say the same. You have to get back out in the game and have some fun. Through the fun, you WILL meet someone new. I promise you will, and while this new person may not be the next “love of your life”, or even someone you would even cross the street for, they will take your mind off of the ex and help you to move on. It’s not even important who the new person is, it’s just important for them to be that wedge in the door, or that signal to your brain and to your ex that it’s finally over.
Time and separation are the only ways you will really forget about the ex, but to speed up the time-space continuum and get this shit over with, return to dating even if it feels forced. Also, sleeping with a few of these rebound dudes or dudettes is purely optional, but I highly recommend it. Nothing tells an ex-lover that “you’re over them” better than finding another guy’s boxers and/or condom wrappers on the floor of your apartment when they come to pick up some of their stuff. I found that one out the hard way.
Susan: Well, OK, I’ll forestall the dry heaving that your last answer brought upon me (although every time I close my eyes I see the words “have your will prepared” swimming in the darkness) so that I can tentatively agree with you on this one. The answer is other people, ladyfriend. I mean maybe not use guys as “practice sticks” or “whiffle bats” or what have you, but you need to find somebody, anybody, who does at least one thing better than this dude. Because otherwise you will dwell on all the good things (even if the only good thing was one nice comment he made after you took care of his phone bill for him) and conveniently forget the bad things, because at that point the bad things won’t seem nearly as bad as sitting in your apartment and watching old episodes of Seinfeld while you convince yourself that he is having the time of his life based on some comments on his MySpace page by girls who are six years younger than you and have names like “Emileigh.” Well, guess what, sister. Your suspicions are probably correct. He’s probably nailing Emileigh and her friend Jessikaa because guess what, he’s finally free from that terrible relationship.
I don’t mean to imply that you weren’t a magical princess of a girlfriend who he was lucky as hell to be with. But you yourself admit that this relationship is sucking the life out of both parties, so what you need is someone who can make up for everything that dude lacked. Maybe he’s hotter, maybe he’s a better kisser, maybe he smells nicer. Those things are legit! Go have fun with that for awhile. But at some point there will be a guy who’s maybe funnier, maybe easier to get along with, and maybe doesn’t make your life anything but easy and beautiful. At that point it make it a lot harder to look wistfully back into the past and say, “But…but…he did once thank me after I made dinner for all of his friends that night he invited them all over to my house to play video games and keep me awake all night.”
Seriously, I feel strongly about this. I can’t say I’ve been in You’ve Got Dirty Mail’s situation, but I can definitely say I feel Tired of My Broken Heart’s pain. If you make quick with the business of living your life and not somebody else’s, you will severely cut short your grieving time, and soon you’ll be looking back on that train wreck and genuinely wondering what took you so long. Not one of us is getting any younger. Do not stay at home. Do not brood. Do not even think about scoping his internet presence. This guy is dead to you, and a million other dudes are not.
Jack: It’s clear that Susan and I are in agreement here. But there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with girls who are six years younger and have names like Emileigh and Jessikaa. In fact they’re what you call….umm, what’s that awesome term that I coined?? Oh yeah, they’re “practice holes” – huge, gaping practice holes in which to work on your sexual motor-skills and to try out new dirty talk lines with. But I guess that doesn’t help your particular situation, Broken Heart.
Suze is right. We are certainly not getting any younger (unless you’re Ben Button and god damn is he a fine one) and time is of the essence. Get back on the horse, emotionally and physically.
Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.
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Who hasn’t had that relationship? The fighting, the fucking, the intensity. It can be a tough cycle to break but one day you will wake up and the feelings will be gone and you will feel 100 pounds lighter.
Then you wonder why you ever wasted so much time with that asshole in the first place.
Re: Question #1
Do it. Definitely do it. Maybe get a little drunk first, to help alleviate any awkwardness?
But seriously, about the trying to go on a “date” with this guy before meeting him in a hotel room–listen, you’re already doing things kind of backwards, with the sending of naked pics before meeting face to face. Might as well roll with it and do something exciting and a little bit crazy. If nothing else, it’ll be a good story to embarrass your grandkids with decades from now.
Yes, breaking up sucks, but I think what is worse is being in a shitty relationship. No offense, but just do it already. If I was your friend I would probably have disowned you by now. You will cry, you will have days you think you can’t go on, it will be HORRIBLE… just do it.
Even though the wise and well-er-traveled Jack endorsed our blog, it’s hard to agree with someone who has a problem with Cat Ladies. Come on, everyone needs love, regardless of what form it’s in. Why such hate?
Anyway, I still agree with both Jack and Susan. Nothing cures a stale relationship like a tasty dose of Emileigh and her friend Jessikaa. Or Peyton and his friend Court. Either one works. Have some fun for a bit. Just don’t email Peyton any pictures of you, no matter how nicely he asks. Court, Rhett, Brooks and Austin will all have seen them multiple times over by the time you meet up with them for beers at Metro.
Non Sensical Gibberish…
There, that’s pretty much what I just read. Or lets just say, had to endure.
“Just don’t email Peyton any pictures of you, no matter how nicely he asks. Court, Rhett, Brooks and Austin will all have seen them multiple times over by the time you meet up with them for beers at Metro.”
You’re hired! Oh, man.
As a retired frat boy I resent these comments. In fact I saw Tad at that kegger last weekend and I was all like, “Broski, You’ve always been there for me, nah bro, I mean it dude. I love you man.” And he totally agreed with me! We brought it in for the real thing and then we took a jager bomb and made a promise to go out next weekend in the fan and find a few “slam-pigs”.
What about Cody, Skyler, and Dawson?
Jack stopped hanging out with Cody and Skyler after Dawson got tanked and they took compromising pictures of him and posted them in the Quad. Tad, however, is the only true bro out there. He’d totally take the ugly chick, so you could have her friend. As long as you bought him a few cases of Sparks before they stop making it.
Meeting people on the internet for a one night quickie is okay.
Meeting people for dates on Match.com is sad. So very very sad.
For the quickie, just make sure you have pictures from every angle (face, ass, standing, sitting, smiling, etc). I’m a photographer and you would be surprised at what deformities a well-taken picture can hide.
Fear not Tad. We can always move to Joose if need be. As for Chase and Joe, average as his name may be, the obligatory bottle of Ranch dressing and a Mountain Dew should suffice.
I’d think the reverse was true- there’s nothing wrong with Match, where you actually get some foreshadowing before meeting somebody, but sketchy one-nighters from the net with someone you actually haven’t interacted with in real life sounds like trouble. Communicating on the internet and via texts doesn’t necessarily translate to the “real world”.
The guy is either interested you, and thinks your hot, or he’s a dangerous sociopath. The first is more likely so why not give it a shot? A lot of beautiful things have started in sleazy motels (and bar bathrooms, alleyways, park benches….).
Suck it Susan, go freak wild in a hotel room if ya like, and if your relationship is bad kill it. Now if you’ll excuse me, this divorce lawyer has a 12 o’clock with another relationship freakshow – the real winner in this case is the poolboy, who was secrety banging and being doted on by both spouses.
Fred–
If she’s been talking to “Jason” about books and stuff, that’s at least as much “foreshadowing” as you’ll get on a site like match.com. And really, who’s completely honest in an online dating profile? I’d definitely pick a straight-talking one night stand over a match.com date in which both parties are trying really hard to say what they think the other person wants to hear.
There’s nothing wrong with sex. I suggest “You’ve Got (Dirty) Mail” in the Fan go for it. Just make sure the douche springs for a nice hotel room.
I hate people that whine about relationships and never being lucky in love. Relationships are more about you than they are the other person. You simply need to be in a good place emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. before you’re ready to be in a relationship.
Also, stop doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result – that’s a sign of insanity.
The best feeling in the world is after a long, drawn-out breakup. Go out with your girlfriends, get extremely wasted, hook-up with some crazy hot guy in the bathroom, and see just how awesome you feel the next day. If you don’t feel excited, free and relieved, do the same thing at least 5 more times.
If you still feel lonely and crave your ex, you really lack self-confidence. I guess it’s time for Match.com . . . or a repeat of the last 5 years.
Man, who would want to screw any of you? You all talk too much…
Tired of my broken heart- you have to keep it moving lady. Seriously I know it sucks I always tend to have my boyfriends around about a year longer than I should cause I feel bad but you can’t do that. You have to put yourself 1st. Just end it all contact for a long while, keep busy it takes time but you’ll get over it. And yea go out and safely screw/date all the dudes you can…come to the single life its good over here. Trust me I know what I am talking about.
Ah sweet delicious sparks, nectar of the gods, giver of life, wait what was the topic? Oh, question #1, clearly you want to do it and just came here for validation. So do it, be safe, have fun. I reccomend drinking a few sparks to get amped up for the debauchery, i can’t recall starting out an evening drinking sparks and not waking up the next morning imagining all the awesome things i did and said the night before. No way I could remember because that shit is powerful. And why can’t he be as nice as Tom Hanks? You don’t think Tom Hanks likes a little S&M with his coffee?
Re: Question #1
If your life were a movie it would either be the beginning of a horror film or a really sweet porno. But since you’ve been talking to him for four months, I’d say that unless he’s the most methodical sociopath ever, “Barry, cut the lights, its Porno time.”
People People, the Internet isn’t REAL. If this guy only lives 2 hours away then why haven’t you met face-to-face yet in the past FOUR months? Sounds a little odd to me.
If you want to keep this guy long-term, don’t just jump in the sack, meet him face-to-face and see if you still click without expecting more. If you don’t care one way or another and just want the adventure, then calculate your real risks and go for it or not.
To answer Question #1: Go for it. I did it … twice. One time with former ACC lacrosse player in his fraternity house! It was hot, surreal and scary. How did I meet him? Via one online chat room. Of course, it escalated into trading x-rated pics. Then we met at a local 7-11 store to see if we feel comfortable with each other before we hit the sack.
True enough, we were OK with each other. So off to the fraternity house! But no, I did not enter the front door. Nor the back door! How? Through a window, believe it or not! Hahaha!
It was crazy, hot and fun.
And I do not regret it at all. So girl, go for it. Don’t take Susan’s advice for “dinner” — no no no, it will KILL everything else in the process. But yes, leave your information to your friend of your whereabouts. It is a huge must.
Otherwise, go fuck him … like a bunny!
R-
As always, my gay deaf friend dropped some knowledge on you bitches!
“Why don’t we get dinner and see how it goes?” or “Hey, there’s a special event happening, would you like to accompany me to it?”
Those are great lines if you never want to see the man again.
Suze? Dinner? Really? OK so “Jason” takes the gal to dinner. Anywhere. Let’s just say the most expensive place in Richmond for starters. What’s the conversation going to be like when the entire relationship to this point is predicated solely on sex? The only thing to talk about is phalus size and how much she’s going to love the Super 8 Motel off Midlothian and Chippenham, and if she plays her cards right “Jason” will pay her cover at Paper Moon next door.
Jack, Tom Hanks may appear nice and sweet but word is he had more sex in the 80’s than James Worthy.