Robot Hearts: Kissing And Telling The Internet May Have Adverse Effects on Your Love Life (Turns Out)

Jack’s reputation as a womanizing jerk has finally caught up with him, and a girl has called him out via Robot Hearts! Ahh, the internet! Let the dissension begin!

In this issue, Jack and Susan get mistaken for a “team,” and everyone calls everyone else names. Do you want to cause the next uproar? Email your problems to!

Question #1

Hey Robot Losers, I have an interesting query for you concerning something that my friend “Gina” went through the other night.

“Gina” met a handsome young man at a bar. He was tall with dark, possibly frozen-in-place hair, and he was sort of a jerk at first. The young man bought Gina a shot and a drink and they began hanging out. Gina and the young man hit it off and they exchanged numbers and even shared a nice, not too open-mouth, not too closed, goodnight kiss. Gina was somewhat smitten.

They exchanged texts throughout the week and made a plan to meet the following weekend for drinks. Before that happened Gina was discussing the upcoming date with a group of friends and upon mentioning his name, we’ll call him “Jake”, one of Gina’s friends informed her that “Jake” is a notorious slutbot and even chronicles his sexual experiences in his public journal. Gina was bummed because she likes this Jake character and it dismayed her to hear that he was not in fact, the potential good guy she was hoping for. Gina likes sex, but she doesn’t want some fling where that’s all that is involved or something where she is one of 15 other concurrent flings. What would the Robot Hearts team do in this situation??

–Hot Girl With A Heart Of Gold in Downtown Richmond.

Jack: Okay okay, so I received this email from a girl in my personal inbox and yes I am the “Jake” in question. I’m fairly sure that she expected a cute, private response, but unlucky for “Gina” my email is public domain (as I’ve proven on my blog many times) and a question this juicy must be answered. Of course I asked her permission first.

First off, my knee jerk reaction would be to say that rumors, or “my friend said this..” is NEVER reliable, EVER. This situation is different though, because there is a, ummm, public web log that sort of chronicles some of this dude’s sexual experimentation and could possibly identify Jack, I mean “Jake” as a “slutbot”. So, of course you have valid reasons to be skeptical and even turned off by all this. I would encourage you or any other female in a similar situation (and I don’t mean a situation with me for Christ’s sake!), to keep an open mind. Unless this young, did you say handsome?, gentleman has proven to be a jerk to you personally, I think you give him a chance. Tell him that you know about his past or present affairs, and that you’re not to enthused by it…But, you will have a drink and see if he’s not actually a decent human being.

I know this “Q + A” sounds like a public endorsement of why women should date Jack Lauterback, but think about this; How many times have you heard that you shouldn’t date someone (guy or girl) because they have a sordid past or because they slept with someone dirty? Everyone has heard this. My answer is, fuck the past and fuck what you heard. Most STD’s are curable, or they only flare up sporadically. No risk, no reward Gina.

Susan, I’m interested to hear your opinion on this, but I can already guess what it will be: “Ewww, find a good guy who will take you to the Brio Tuscan Grille and open doors for you, and who wants to wait until date 36 to have sex, blah blah.”

Susan: Aw, Jack, I am touched, because I’m fairly certain this is actually you secretly asking me for advice on how to lift yourself out of the nasty little cesspool in which you unapologetically flounder. Well, tough. You made that bed, then unmade it, then sullied the sheets, and then told the world all about it, so you have to lie in it. Not that I’m a prude. I’m sure a lot of 25 year old bartenders have similar lifestyles, and good luck to them, but sooner or later, my spiky-haired friend, these situations will arise. I mean, am I right? I’d say something like “Do you really want your kid fifteen years from now to stumble upon your website and realize his dad was a huge douche?” but it seems like, at the rate you’re going, you won’t really have kids. At least not any that will be surprised to learn that Dad is a deadbeat.

But seriously, Gina, I have this to say: Jack is actually a surprisingly decent guy in real life, whether he wants the world to know that or not. Unfortunately, though, while that makes him a lovely fellow to have around when you are drinking a beer and trading insults, are you OK with having your intimate details relayed to the world via the Internet? No? Would you like to start from the beginning of today’s column?

Jack: Susan, Susan, Susan… Once again I have to explain a question to you. Yes this email was written to me by a girl and yes, I would love to take her out, share two 13 dollar bottles of Pinot Noir and then proceed to end the first date awkwardly dry humping in the front seat of my Altima, but I’m trying to look at the big picture here and not my sordid personal affairs. The real question is:

Can a person’s past transgressions, bad reputation and current lifestyle be overlooked in the name of love? And the answer is yes.

Just forget about my blog for a minute. Whether “Gina’s” friends heard I was a bad guy through word of mouth or they read about it on my blog (and then misinterpreted my writing) is irrelevant. I know many guys and girls who have weathered rumors and bad reps, and guess what? Even though they may or may not have been tag-teamed by an entire fraternity in college, they still just want to be loved.

Plus, any girl that is worried about what her kids will think about their father, 15 effing years from now (!), should not be in the market for an awesome guy like myself. They should instead be searching for an apartment that will house their soon to be large collection of cats. In fact I will henceforth refer to you as “Susan the Old Cat Lady”. Robot Hearts featuring Jack the Blogging Bartender and Susan, the Old Smelly Cat Lady. Hmmm. That’s gold right there.

Susan: I can’t believe I sort of called you a good guy and you come back with Old Smelly Cat Lady. I think someone is a little defensive! Look, I’m in favor of looking over “past transgressions,” – we’ve all done stupid things that we’d like to take back. If that’s the question you’re actually putting out there, then sure. Overlook them. But your specific situation is different. You seem to relish those stupid things instead of learning from them. “Bad reputation” and “current lifestyle” in your case are indicative of personal traits that I can’t in good conscience recommend to a lady who wants to do anything more than dry hump in an Altima.

And let me make it clear AGAIN, because your gel must have gotten in your eyes when you read my first comment, it’s not your sexual exploits that bother me, it’s the way you clearly feel about women. May I remind the reading public that this guy who just wants to be loved advised a poor soul not long ago to hit some “practice holes.” Drink, have fun, sex it up, sure, but slagging women publicly who you were probably pretty quick to compliment the night before just encourages aspiring Jacks to treat them the same way. Yes, it’s funny to read your advice to other people (and hopefully the public knows not to take it seriously), but I think it is well within my rights to encourage this poor soul to read your blog and go with her gut. Hopefully that gut will tell her “Run far away” and not “Maybe I can change him!!” And I also think it’s well within my rights to encourage YOU to use this email as motivation to clean up your act. Or at least quit telling everybody about it. Or at least use a pseudonym.

Jack: This advice column wasn’t created to provide me with a therapy session every two weeks. I know how I live and I likes how I live. We created this column to help the poor souls out there (like Gina) with their everyday dating dilemmas. Unfortunately crazy cat lady and a few sheltered readers/commenters can’t handle someone who breaks the the whole “get married ASAP” mold and instead chooses to live a more unconventional (and public) lifestyle. Although let’s save my current hedonistic, kickass way of living for a future column. In the meantime, Gina, even if I wasn’t the so-called “bad guy” in question, my advice would be to ignore your friends and give this guy (me) a chance. Your friends will always cockblock you (even the ones you trust).

Susan was right with one statement and one statement alone: Go with your gut and take what you feel is the right course of action.

Also be sure to tell your girlfriends, who I’d be willing to bet are aspiring cat-people, that my co-writer Susan hosts a bi-weekly “Cat Chat” on AM 790. It’s mostly just her and her callers discussing how cute their cats are and why they don’t need a man in their life. Seriously, it’s like the # 5 rated cat enthusiast call-in show in Central Virginia.

Susan: I do have cats.

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Jack Lauterback

Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.

  1. In reality, Gina is more intrigued after hearing of
    Jake’s reputation, and her only real worry is the
    possibility of having her indiscretions published.

  2. Susan would never suggest Brio Tuscan Grille! Never!

  3. Joss – That’s what I suspected!

  4. Taylor on said:

    Sure you can’t believe everything you hear but if EVERYONE is talking there has to be some truth. This girl will do whatever she wants no matter what, but she can’t be all pussy hurt when “Jake” screws her over. All girls ususally know what they are getting themselves into, its just a matter of if they care and listen to themselves.

    And glad to know I’m not the only one being whisked away to far corners of bars to make out with “Jake” haha =)

  5. Whisked away to far corners of bars to make out with Jake??? I don’t recall anyone twisting your arm Taylor! Haha.

  6. I had three to one odds that you guys would never actually recieve a real email and instead would make up all of the questions. I guess I lose.

    Although the real email in question was only brought about by Jack directly effecting this girls life so I don’t think it should count.

  7. As the first negative commenter on this column I’d like to go on record as saying I am, in fact, not sheltered.

    I’d also like to make it known that this column used to be a bummer to me, until I realized that it’s really just Duffman crucifying himself in front of a bunch of intelligent people who find his David Puddy intellect very entertaining.

    Jack Goes Forth is like a rallying cry for controversy-seekers and “Good Timers”, where as Robot Hearts is just a snicker-laden observation of our questionably loveable pet Bro-Dude.

  8. Matt Frost on said:

    Ladies… Guys that are cooth, attractive, and survived into their mid 20’s unmarried have been around. It’s by choice, or defect that we are still single, but the point is we live in a male dominated society and a single gent in his mid 20s has proven if he doesn’t like what’s in front of him, he won’t even date her, let alone marry her, which is more than can be said for the soon to be divorcees who developed ithcy ring fingers with their college boyfriends.

    The only deference between “Jake” and any other guy with the same attributes, is he is known and he is honest. While people like myself won’t come out and say it, we leave it up to the girl to lie to herself and imagine a very clean ideal backstory for us… because she wants to like us.

    To thyne own self be true… loose the virginal morals, wear a rubber.. or accept the fact that it’s easier to clean the spoon than the honey pot and don’t deny yourself a good time… or go for the nerdy awkward guy who really has only slept with 5 girls… ever.

  9. Taylor on said:

    True… but at least I am sensible enough to know not to fall for you! ha

  10. Girls are insane. Completely and utterly insane. I’m one, so I can vouch for it. The only difference between Jake/Jack/Douche/Whoever and most other guys is that he puts his life online. Most guys (and girls) that have some sort of a social life have had the exact same (or similar) situations happen to them; they just don’t write about it. So a girl hoping to win Jake/Jack’s heart can’t get upset with him for being a dick for all the world to see and doing so completely shamelessly. At least Jake/Jack’s online resume cuts out those few weeks of wasting time thinking he’s gonna bring you flowers. He’s making it clear he’s good for one thing. If you that’s what you’re looking for, then he’s got “Right Here” plastered across his forehead.

  11. Ahh, the negative comment.

    I’m a veteran when it comes to getting negative comments either anonymously or out in the open, and guess what? When people take the time to read your work and then they take the extra time to leave a comment about it, it’s never negative my man. Thanks for the support.

    Matt Frost: You’re right. Nice analogy with the whole spoon and honey pot thing. Can I steal that? Haha

  12. this comment section is tame compared to some of the spew that they say about you on your blog Jack.

    Funny ass column. Keep it up!

  13. I care less about this. Because I’m gay. The chances of “Jake” whisking me to the far corners of the bar to make out is practically zero, really!

    BUT I know for a fact, *all* individuals (men, women and yes, animals) wanted to be touched, groped and yes, loved. However, it is true that Jack writes a blog to covers on his experiences of bagging anything that moves. I had yet to read one that he treats the partners with contempt. In fact, he made it clear that he enjoys being with her on that day.

    By making a crude joke about things in life signifies that Jack feels very comfortable with the ones that also *bagged* him in bed.

    Yes, Jack bagged others. Fine with me. What of others that bagged Jack, too? Is that supposed to be negative thing? Nah, it does not have to be like that. I’m sure there are women out there who said, “You know JackGoesForth? I bagged him last night!”

    Look, Gina needs to understand that first and foremost of all, “Jake” is single. If Gina feels something with “Jake”, then Gina should talk to Jake about it. And set up the boundary line.

    Just like I do — I write lots of things on my blogs including few sex escapades but I always made sure to let the people know that there are certain things that I shall not blog out of respect for others.

    I’m sure Jake does the same thing, Gina. Gina, by not doing anything else, you give in to your friends’ manipulations to rule you. Be bold and experience things for yourself — after all, you live only once.


  14. Gina should know that there are actually two Jacks….

    One is a really nice guy who plays with kids (Finn and him have had some pretty serious playtime), is fairly literate and would be fairly horrified if he actually hurt someone. The kind of person you can count on to ‘do the right thing’ and will make someone a very nice partner someday – if he ever chooses to do so. We’ll call him ‘Nice Jack’.

    Then there’s the alcohol-fueled out-of control Jack who sends obscene text messages, forgets the name of the girl he’s in bed with, makes many questionable decisions and then drunk blogs at 4 in the morning in his boxers. We’ll call him Juan Fuckin’ Conde Jack… or JFC for short.

    Girls love both of these sides of Jack. They’re attracted to bad boy JFC for a hook-up but convince themselves that they can bring Nice Jack out full time and he’ll be their beau forever. Not going to happen, at least not now. He’s happy indulging both sides of his personality. You should be thankful that he’s honest about that and doesn’t lead you along with false promises or hopes. If you like him and are interested in a fling – go for it. Just go into it with open eyes that it will never be anything but that – a fling. Besides, he’s is a bit of a gentleman. He’s never, to my knowledge, ever identified any of his conquests.

    Some day one side of Jack or the other will win out. Nice Jack may take over and he’ll have a family and all that – better to do that if he is ever ready then to do it just because you’re ‘supposed’ to. JFC may win out and then there may be two options. He may ride off into the sunset, a happy boozer to the end, or he may become one of those bitter old bartenders working in a smoky old dirty pool hall.

    Doesn’t matter. You won’t be there. He’ll just be a memory to you. One that might be a regret at a missed opportunity or something that brings a funny smile to you face as you sit in the rocking chair of the old folks home.

    The choice is yours.

  15. “…or go for the nerdy awkward guy who really has only slept with 5 girls… ever.”

    5 girls is a lot of girls.

    Also from now on whenever anyone emails to ask why I am not posting on my blog anymore, I’m sending them here.

  16. Richmondite on said:

    You’re the bad boy Jack. Much like George in the best Seinfeld episode ever.

    “Hey Yo Anna!”

    “Hi George, what are you doing?”

    “You don’t even wanna know”

  17. Duffman raises a good point with the “no comment is negative” sentiment.

    Although I read this site because I want to support my friends who do the site first and foremost, giving Duffman the benefit of the doubt, I DO leave lengthy comments because I’m intrigued on some base level by his hedonistic antics.

    The way I now see it, having shamefully pondered it further, Duffman is to RVAnews what New York (the person) was to VH1.

    We slow down to watch the car wreck because, subconsciously, we need to feel better about ourselves by watching someone else make poor, amoral life choices in an unashamed manner under the guise of “being honest”. And, just as egomaniacal homegirls across our country do with New York, those who relate to Duffman always say “At least he’s honest! Everyone’s like that, so-and-so is just keeping it real!”

    So, just like I got rid of cable TV so as to purge myself of needing to watch Celebreality, I will, from now on, cease to read Robot Hearts so as to no longer validate Duffman and his glorification of dude-like hedonism.

  18. There goes Matt Moment again. Looking down his straight-edge nose at anyone who makes different life choices and using his religion to feel superior to others. I must have missed the commandment in his bible that says ‘go out and judge others.’

  19. I got lost at spoon and honey pot.

  20. ahhh, is poor whittle matt jealous of jack???

    don’t worry about it. this little comment war might raise the readership of your blog to 5 people!

  21. When did they stop putting honey in pots, and further more, what happened to those “spoons” that looked like bee-hives used to retrieve honey from said honey pots…sorry that has nothing to do with any of this, but now I’m curious.

  22. First off, I have to say, I feel a certain kinship with this Gina character…

    And it would seem that this pineapple-headed charmer has captivated her interest sans deception. No one has the complete moral package; and if that’s what she fiends, then she’s misguided for meeting potentials at bars…try church.
    As far as what the ‘package’ in question has to offer… If Gina even remotely feels that she needs to ‘run far away’ or stick around waiting for the possibility of change she’s not only wasting her time, but also his. –There are far too many people out there to get caught up with someone whose chief tenants of bachelor life present such a problem for you. Everyone wishes they could pick and choose which characteristics to keep or toss out for their mate – but who someone else is isn’t up to you. Maybe this is the metaphor Mary Shelley was drawing upon with Frankenstein. Either way, fictional or real, it ends badly and you better hope your neighbors aren’t a mob of angry pitchfork wielding Transylvanians.

    Everyone likes sex, and flings can be fun. But if you’re looking for something more… and by more I don’t mean bringing some of those concurrent lovers into the mix, rather a relationship; then you really have to prioritize what matters most. Swallow the fact that you get the good with the bad, the beautiful with the aids, the sweet (vermouth) with the sour (mash) ….god I need to stop hanging with bartenders. Stop using your friend as your scout. Just because someone’s a womanizing “sort of jerk’ doesn’t mean there aren’t copious silver linings. If you want it, take the plunge. And if the water’s murky… at least it probably wouldn’t be too hard for your dear Jake to revert to his comfortable lifestyle of various women and pinot noir.

    Also Jack, I think your kid will have figured out you’re a huge DB (baby d.b! haha) far before it learns to surf the web – or whatever the hell kind of crazy technology that will be around by the time you finally pony up n spread your “well-socialized” seed.

    In conclusion, cats are awesome. And mine can read. So bes watch your lauter-back!

  23. Melissa on said:

    hit it then quit it Jack Goes Forth

  24. Even odds that Susan and Jack wind up getting married in Vegas before they hit the 10 column mark.

  25. Eh, my husband is taller.

  26. Gee, all this time I thought the most important thing was compatibility, love, or any number of other things. Turns out it height.

  27. I keep a lot of things on very high shelves. I’m a practical gal. JK CAM!

  28. daniel on said:

    I always hum the Zelda theme song when reading the column.

    Keep up the good work RVAnews!

  29. lets not mislead any readers though, I am still very very tall compared to the average man. But yes, Susan’s husband is like the shaq o’neal of Richmond hipsters.

  30. Sam Tanner on said:

    First off, I’m gay, so I’ve had sex with a lot, and I do mean a lot, of guys. The first rule I’ve always abided by is to be unapologetic. You make your bed, you lie in it. No apologizes, no excuses.

    I have the same problem Jack does though and that’s that guys, who are serious about a relationship, will never give me a second look because they think I’m only interested in sex. Mind you, I like sex, but eventually I will want to find a guy to settle down with.

    Sadly, I’m caught in a catch-22 and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get out of it – maybe I need to move or take a vow of chastity, but I don’t see that happening.

    My point is, that your past is your past and it’s something that you’re never going to be able to change, but it doesn’t define who you are. Jack may be a slut-whore that girls are scared of getting close to – for fear of an STD or ending up on a blog, but they know what they’re getting into. Jack doesn’t seem to be the type to lie about who he is and I think it’s refreshing!

  31. Another Gina on said:

    Gina- my advice to you in this specific “jake” situation is….don’t fall for him, I met him too, he doesn’t take his own advice and he’s quicker to judge faster than anyone, he’ll break your heart and your wallet, meet a guy that knows what privacy is…”jake” learned some discrepancies about me and without wanting to know any side of anything he was quick to judge and passed me along like the month of December….you love him but theres really nothing to like

  32. susan,
    jack is not a deadbeat! seems to me that he works his tale off.

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