Making it my business: 5 things not to say to a pregnant woman
You might think you’re showing “interest” and “concern.” She might think you’re a total a-hole.
So I’m having a baby in November. Since I’m past the halfway mark, my “delicate condition” is getting to be pretty obvious. Thus begins the constant inquiries and input from relative to total strangers. For some reason, pregnant women seem to become public property once their bellies pop, and all sense of appropriateness seems to float out the window on a breeze of good intentions and unwelcome insight.
Now before I launch into my list of comments for you to avoid when around ladies with a wee bun in the oven, let me first say that I don’t typically mind these comments, but I could see why other women would be offended. So don’t consider this a rant. Think of it as a public service announcement meant to protect you from accidentally making a gestating woman cry… or punch you in the face.
1. “How much weight have you gained?”
Let’s think about this. Would you ever ask anyone else that question? Probably not. Pregnant women gain 25 to 30 pounds on average when they are pregnant. THAT IS A LOT – especially considering the average baby weighs about 7 pounds at birth. While they understand that the weight-gain is necessary, it’s a sensitive subject. They don’t need to get the feeling that you’re monitoring their gestational spread, too.
2. “If it’s a boy, will you get him circumcised?”
I’m not floored by much, but I was a briefly speechless when this one was tossed at me. First of all, we haven’t decided, and second, I was sure that if we do have a boy that he wouldn’t be too thrilled knowing that some person I knew once upon a time knows about the state of his bits and pieces. Good rule of thumb: any questions related to nether regions are strictly off limits.
3. “Can I touch your belly?”
I should preface this by saying that most women are probably Ok with close friends and family going for the goods, with or without permission – hey, I understand that there’s just something about that belly that makes people lose their minds. But chances are, if you don’t fall into one of those categories, hands off. And if you have to ask, the answer is probably no. Best to wait until (if ever) invited.
4. “You’re (blank) weeks? Wow, you look a little (big/small) for that!”
I got a similar comment this weekend. Granted it was exclaiming how small I looked rather than how big, but still, it ranks right up there with #1 on this list. Whether the mother-to-be looks big or small, chances are her doctor is well aware of her size and is monitoring it closely. Pregnancy is already stressful enough without casually making comments that could send the woman into a fit of anxiety-ridden thoughts of “Am I too big/too small? What if something is wrong?” Just because the woman doesn’t look exactly like your best friend’s sister did at that point in her pregnancy doesn’t mean that something is wrong.
5. “You look tired.”
Regardless of your intentions (which I know are probably more about expressing concern than anything), telling someone they look tired implies that they basically look like crap. Chances are, if a woman is pregnant, she is tired, she looks it, and she knows it. Give her a break and tell her she looks great… even if you are lying with every fiber of your being.
Got something to say? Leave it in the comments.
(And if you have a question or suggestions on things that I should be making my business, send them to val@rvanews.com.)
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Valerie Catrow
Valerie Catrow is editor of RVAFamily, mother to a mop-topped first grader, and always really excited to go to bed.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
why does anyone want to touch your belly. thats gross. here is an alien in there!
but for real touching is weird. it makes me uncomfortable unless i am the one who put that baby in you.
Maybe you can touch everyone back. If they insist, you insist.
Is it still rude to ask if she knows who the father is?
Even more offensive are instances when another woman has to share her past grief over a lost pregnancy. One woman came up to me and asked me how far along I was; when I told her “6 months,” she just had to tell me that she had miscarried around the same time. Gee, thanks. Pregnancy is stressful enough as it is. Keep the doomsday stories to yourself, please.
Chopping off your baby’s weiner is not a very warm welcome. Not that you asked, but there it is. Totally unnecessary and too bad it’s even an issue. Babies are perfect as they are.
“Who keeps farting?”
Definitely got to agree with anon. No circumcision! It’s an outdated, pointless, and relatively inhumane procedure. How would you feel if someone came after your junk with a scalpel?!
Funnily enough, if it’s done to a boy it’s called circumcision, but if it’s done to a girl it’s called mutilation. Hypocrisy kicks ass!
A lot of ladies think they know all about weiners. But they’re clueless. If mom thinks uncircumsized boys are gross, then she shouldn’t go down on her son. Instead, raise him to be a charming man, and he’ll get his share of hind-parts (some belonging to prejudiced ladies who are totally unaware).
http://www.overcompensating.com/posts/20080624.html
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Hey, it’s Opposite Day! If you say, “Don’t talk about my kid’s potential penis,” we’ll talk about it anyway! Woo.
At the childbirth and baby basics classes they tell you how to take care of a baby’s circumsized penis (two weeks of neosporin and then there’s the poop/pee in the wound). I raised my hand and asked what needs to be done for an uncircumsized boy. “Nothing. It takes care of itself for the first FIVE TO SEVEN YEARS and then it’s time to tell him to wash it.” Sounds like a no-brainer.
The instructor tabled the discussion, saying to consult your doctor. I almost spoke up again to say, “Consult your baby,” but I’d have come across like a zealot.
By the way, get ready for the obligatory, “how’s the baby?” salutation from every person who sees you, even passing in the hallway. It’s like “howyadoin, only people expect an answer.
Hey, it’s Opposite Day! If you say, “Don’t talk about my kid’s potential penis,” we’ll talk about it anyway! Woo.
It’s the kind of decision that should ONLY be made by the boy himself when he’s of age to understand it all. Some consider it downright brutal, yet the poor kid’s got no say at all! It’s not your penis. Keep your mitts off!
Of course, if we left important decisions such as circumcision and religion up to the child, both would obviously die out. Best to cram that shit in when their heads are still soft and malleable.
To quote the late Carlin…
The first thing they teach kids is that there’s a God — an invisible man in the sky who is watching what they do and who is displeased with some of it. There’s no mystery why they start that with kids, because if you can get someone to believe that, you can add on anything you want.
I like my circumcised penis. He’s got class!
Coheed, you’re preaching to the choir. I’m referring to the fact that aggravating people is not going to educate them.
Having been felt up by a 7-11 delivery man during my third pregnancy – without my permission I might add – I know of the indelicacy of the pre-natal inquisition. While everyone has a strong (and in their minds the only correct) opinion, I found that turning the questions back on the individual seemed to work. “That is personal – why do you ask?” worked for me much of the time. Otherwise, people ask questions because they are excited. A baby, a birth, a new life is a reason to celebrate. Most people (read: random people) don’t really ask/talk for your sake but to reach out to you to share a bit of themselves. And while that little bit might be mildly obnoxious, just smile and provide a vague answer. Your little belly is a source of joy not only to you but to those who need a flicker of hope or remembrance of it.