If you thought 2008 was a wild ride on the WTF Express, you just wait until 2009 hits its stride!
You need to understand that by the same time next year, everything will be different. I’m not saying that we’ll be ruled by a superior race of Gorilla Men or Lizards from Space. I’m not saying that a renegade meteor will reduce our beloved planet to a smoldering lump of Earth jerky. All I’m saying is that 2009 will be bringing with it some whacked-out plot twists, the likes of which we haven’t seen since, oh… at least 2008.
You’ve heard of Nostradamus? I was a huge fan of his TV specials in the seventies. I can’t even remember when or why they were on, but they always involved Orson Welles and a man in a blue turban scaring the footy pajamas off of me. Back then it seemed like every prediction spelled doom for the human race and that doom was going to come sometime in the 21st century. Back then it seemed like we had forever to enjoy the All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet of Earthly Delights.
Well guess what? It’s the 21st century and our waiter is ready to bring the check! And by “check” I mean “ARMAGEDDON.”
Henceforth and heretowith are the bone-chilling predictions I collected from a well-respected psychic named Mr. Boo (not his real name) who operates in an unassuming brick rancher in the Southside. You can chuckle aloud and dismiss them as the ludicrous rantings of a major kook, so long as you accept the consequences for your own charred remains. Or you can take serious heed and help me build a giant space yacht so we all can ditch this planet before it gets flushed down the cosmic toilet. The choice is yours.
1. MR. BOO PREDICTS: In July, Eugene Trani will resign as Supreme Commander of VCU. He represents the third position in a Trinity of Power that included Richmond War Chief Douglas L. Wilder, and Supercop Rodney Monroe. The departure of all three will leave a tremendous power vacuum that, by Universal Law, must be filled to maintain a state of equilibrium. In August, while visiting for a surprise performance at Innsbrook, the members of ZZ Top (Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill and Frank Beard) will feel “strangely compelled” to shop for real estate in Short Pump.
2. MR. BOO PREDICTS: In early October, City Council will pass an unprecedented Executive Order that all adults within the city of Richmond will hereby be required to create and maintain a blog about food. Those who refuse will be taken in the night, never to be heard from again.
3. MR. BOO PREDICTS: Budget cutbacks will significantly reduce Richmond’s yard refuse truck fleet. As a result, next fall’s leaf collection will be done one at a time.
4. MR. BOO PREDICTS: On June 20 an infrared communication will be beamed directly into the cerebral cortex of all city squirrels. The order to “gnaw with extreme prejudice” will be given at 3:10pm. Sadly, June 20 is National Picnic Day. The carnage will be horrific (but also slightly adorable due to the flurry of fluffy tails).
5. MR. BOO PREDICTS: On February 17, the majority of elderly Richmonders will lose their broadcast television signal. While millions will make the switch to digital TV to ensure they still receive their favorite programs, millions of others will not. This will open a tremendous window of opportunity and spur a creative Renaissance in the city. On February 18, the single hottest job in the metro area will be puppeteers who can re-enact episodes of “CSI: Miami,” “Cold Case” and “NCIS.” Demand will be extraordinary and compensation will be unbelievable (78% of old people are wealthy or nearly wealthy). Smart people are already thinking about how to turn that old tube sock into David Caruso.
6. MR. BOO PREDICTS: On July 3, frustrated by his inability to ban cigarette smoking in Virginia restaurants, Governor Tim Kaine will introduce a measure to outlaw table salt, creamy ranch dressing and beard twirling in all Virginia dining establishments.
7. MR. BOO PREDICTS: Sometime during the month of April, an incompetent employee at the Haynes Furniture warehouse will order way too many Sealy mattresses and oriental carpets. Rather than send the merchandise back to the vendor and fire the employee, the magnanimous retailer will bear the financial burden and pass the savings on to you.
8. MR. BOO PREDICTS: At 11:11am on May 11, a vision will appear in the sky above the Subway franchise at the corner of Boulevard and Broad. It will be an enormous, ethereal version of one of those computer-generated dancing girls used to advertise low mortgage rates online. Traffic will come to a standstill. Huge crowds will gather. For exactly three seconds it will be an amusing distraction. But then everyone will grow annoyed and those with firearms will begin shooting into the air. After four days, those without firearms will beg those with firearms to “shoot them in the face” and end the torture. Mysteriously, the vision will disappear exactly seven days after it appeared. A helicopter will land atop the sandwich shop. Subway spokesman Jared will emerge, wearing a blue turban and his old “fat jeans” as a cape. He will make a plea for peace and lead the battered, bloodied masses in a rousing chorus of the “5 Dollar Foot Long” song.
9. MR. BOO PREDICTS: In a sudden gesture of whimsy, Richmond’s new mayor, Dwight Jones, will delight Richmond for the entire month of April by wearing a polka dot suit and an enormous blue wig made of cotton candy.
10. MR. BOO PREDICTS: All year we will hear talk of the year 2012 and the world coming to an end on December 21 of that year. We will be told that it has been an ancient prophecy foretold for centuries and that civilizations around the world who disagree on practically everything else, have come to a consensus that 12/21/12 is International Game-Over Day. But on December 20, 2009, a group of noted scientific scholars will appear on “Larry King Live” to announce that someone did their math wrong. They will say that, in fact, the world will burn tomorrow like “a tater tot dropped into a volcano.” This will not help or hurt the July 10 theatrical release of the apocalyptic film “2012,” starring John Cusack and Danny Glover, but may put a dent in DVD sales.