(The New) Evil Dead: The most stupidest film you will ever experience
The newest installment of the Evil Dead franchise will turn your stomach with an unfortunate combination of bore and gore.
Evil Dead is the unfortunate remake of both The Evil Dead (1981) and Evil Dead II (1987). Honestly, remake is probably too strong of a description for this, let’s go with “a blatant use of beloved intellectual property to make a pile of cash,” or maybe just “a stinky crapbag.” Like the previous incarnations, this one’s got some teens, they’re in a cabin, the surrounding wood vaguely menaces, but the similarities end there. Gone is the camp and clever camera work, and missing is anyone who can act a candle to Bruce Campbell.
The teens, who are all unbelievably bland and boring, head out to a familial cabin in the woods to detox one of the group who’s a drug addict. There are a couple of girls? And maybe some guys? I think two of them may be related–they’re all so one-dimensional it’s hard to remember. Eventually, they discover a creepy book bound in human skin and do the responsible thing by reading aloud1 the passage clearly marked “DO NOT READ THIS ALOUD ON PENALTY OF DEMON POSSESSION.”
The drug addict tries to convince the gang that her withdrawal symptoms are really a case of the demons, while a thunderstorm floods the nearby river blocking the only route back to civilization.2 The demons start to get the better of our faithful gang of morons and kill them off in all manner of disgustingly realistic ways.
There are plenty of nods to the original The Evil Dead and the spectacular Evil Dead II, but none of them are interesting and none of them will give you that classic horror-movie rush. All of them will make you want to boringly lose your lunch. I mean, seriously, how many times do I need to watch a limb amputation? Watch The Hand Scene from Evil Dead II again–that’s how you do an amputation scene! It’s funny, it’s scary, and while it’s super bloody, you never see a chainsaw chewing away flesh and tendons.
Evil Dead is the fourth installment of the Evil Dead franchise and the first not directed by Sami Raimi–although it is produced by the team that put together the first three films (Raimi, Campbell, and Tapert). It’s instead directed by Fede Alvarez…whose only directorial credits are this one kind of sweet YouTube about giant robots? It’s written by Alvarez and Rodo Sayagues3…who’s only writing credits are that same giant-robot YouTube? Honestly, it’s surprising that Bruce Campbell, who’s the grooviest dude ever to exist, is involved and stoked on the project.
So maybe it’s the inexperience of the director and writers that makes this film so bland and blowy? Maybe it’s just where we are with horror movies? Either way, I think it’s time for some #realtalk. Listen Horror Movies, you guys used to be great, we used to hang out all the time. But you’ve changed, and I can’t bring you around my friends anymore. Remember when you were clever, scary, and thought provoking? Now you’re just scene after scene of some creepy girl in a dress jerking around while dude in the corner cuts his own arms off and some chick gets stabbed in the eyeball with a pair of scissors. What happened to you, man? You used to be cool! And now you stagger over here after a long night of peeling the skin off of your own face with a piece of glass, and you vomit this steaming pile of crap on my porch!? I do not accept!
So, as we all do in trying times, I turned to Twitter, looking for recent horror movies that would not make me feel like I signed up for a class in internal anatomy at my local community college. And, lo, Twitter provided! Here’s a list of horror movies that were released after The Ring (2002)4 that are worth your time. They’re all unique, interesting, and not like watching a real-life human suffer a real-life death. Enjoy!
- Shaun of the Dead (2004)
- The Descent (2005)
- The Host (2007) • Netflix Watch Instantly
- Paranormal Activity (2007)
- Let the Right One In (2008) • Netflix Watch Instantly
- Dead Snow (2009) • Netflix Watch Instantly
- Drag Me to Hell (2009)
- House of the Devil (2009) • Netflix Watch Instantly
- Cabin in the Woods (2012)
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Why you should see this movie
There are zero CGI effects in Evil Dead. This is pretty impressive considering the numbers of times you see the inside of a person. So if you’re studying, like, Blood Effects or Quantitative Display of Internal Organs, this is probably a great case study.
Why you should stay home
All seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are streaming on Netflix right now.
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Footnotes
- The dude who reads from the book is either The Nerd (he wears glasses) or The Cool Guy (he has long hair and a goatee). The script gives you absolutely no clues and prefers you to just fill in the details yourself. I mean, Script, you have one job, guy! ↩
- I guess this, and most cabins in the wood are located on peninsulas? ↩
- Wiki tells me that Diablo Cody was brought in to Americanize the script, as English is neither of the writers’ primary language. So few of her edits were used that she is uncredited in the film. ↩
- How influential was The Ring? Other than zombies, the Creepy Girl in a White Dress with Stiff Joints and Long Hair Covering her Face is one of the most common horror movie tropes these days. ↩
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Ross Catrow
Founder and publisher of RVANews.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
Sigh.
Also, no boobs in this movie! I don’t really know what that means, but it was unexpected.
Stupid fun doesn’t need boobs to be awesome.
Erm. So. There are nine seasons of BtVS. 7 were on TV and 2 are comic book seasons.
What a surprise! A stupid zombie movie aimed at teenagers is, uh, stupid.
It ain’t stupid. It is, however, cynical. I must say, though, this movie is far better than Dead Snow.
Just want to let you know they are not teenagers, they are adults with jobs. Also the camera work is creative and how been acclaimed by all, even the bad reviews, so you got that wrong too. And the directing was not immature, it was great. Alvarez nails the tone to the point where you can pause the film at any second and the exact same dark aurora would be present. Also, how could you not be entertained by blood rain man?
this review made me want to watch it
@Cole – Acclaimed by all if all equals everyone minus one.
“Some things that happen in the story are similar of course to the original because we’re in the same mythology,” Alvarez says. “The woods in these movies, they like to rape girls. So when the girls run through the woods, they get raped. So there are a lot of similarities, but our story is original.”
Yeah so since like woods rape girls sorta, we thought it’d be cool to put that in there, because like that’s a thing in these movies I guess. I dunno, we’re just out there with our cameras, pointing them brilliantly at some things that seem like most horror movies do.
(http://www.villagevoice.com/2013-04-03/film/how-evil-dead-director-fede-alvarez-re-imagined-the-classic-splatterfest/)
I thought the film was fantastic! I didn’t set out to see a clever work of horror, I went to the cinemas to see a blooded gorefest, just as the originals at heart were, and that is exactly what I got; two hours of pure carnage that had me giggling with (disturbing) glee. Sure the campy charm was gone, but hey, we got Bruce’s cameo in the credits!
Ha, nice work Ross! Thoroughly enjoyable read. I haven’t seen Evil Dead 1 or 2, but I did see Army of Darkness many many times and loved it. But I’m not sure it counts as a real horror movie because it was hilarious!
Not as good as The Bloodening.
@BK I’m not sure it counts as horror either! But films like Cabin in the Woods, which are funny but legit scary at times, totally count.
Really? No one in this film can act as well as Bruce Campbell? I love Evil Dead I grew up on it. At the age of thirteen I knew that Bruce Campell was awesome. I also knew he couldn’t act. Nostalgia is a dangerous thing. If you are going to review something do it with a clear head. I still like the 81 version better, but Evil Dead 2013 is the best thing to happen to horror in a long time. I respect people’s opinions I can’t imagine that you truly feel that the 81 ED was better written or had a stronger cast. It wasn’t and it didn’t. What it did have was a very rare talent directing the film Fede is no Raimi, not yet anyways. Very few first time directors do as well as Fede did with this film. I respect your opinion, but I’m not sure you have a clue what you are talking about.
@Mike, Evil Dead II (1987) is the one I’m in love with, not the 1981 original. I do think 81 ED is better written than this new one, but you’re right about the cast–it’s probably a toss up between the two groups of flat and boring characters.
Umm only one of the people was a teenager and even then she( Mia) was probably 19. Her brother was older than her and his gf was his age. The other girl was a R.N. so she’s at least 24. The ” can’t tell if he’s a nerd or a cool guy” was an English teacher so he’s the nerd. Really people, just pay attention during the beginning of the movie and you may actually end up enjoying it.
But it was really short and could’ve explained things way better. One thing I thought was funny is that no one in the movie even tried to use a cell phone.
No CGI? Not entirely true. The amazing opening has some CGI in it. I won’t spoil it but the opening to the movie is the best part for me.
God I hate people who say “worst ever” or “stupidest ever” about everything they get
disappointed by.
No, it sure as sh!t wasn’t the stupidest or worst film I’ve seen. I only wish I was that lucky, but I’ve seen waaaay worse. And so have you, and you know it.