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Richmond Proper: On contagious laughter

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 11:39:03 +0000

As you may have gathered from the very first edition of Richmond Proper, I have no formal etiquette training to speak of. In fact, I became particularly interested in etiquette because of how foreign it was to me when I cracked open my first Emily Post volume about six years ago. I went to look up something specific and ended up engrossed in the text, peeling back the layers of etiquette mystery with a sense of wonder.

Some situations have come up recently which have made me feel like a novice again, in a good way -- with all the intense curiosity of a n00b. While sitting in quiet places like church or a nearly-empty restaurant, something or other (a noise, a joke, a mistake of some sort) has provoked me to laugh. And I don't mean just a short guffaw or a giggle, I mean a prolonged, shoulder-shaking, breath-stealing fit. Others were involved, and the laughter spread. I tried with every ounce of will within me to stop laughing, with pathetic results. The laughter just petered out very gradually, after what seemed like an eternity of mixed mirth and humiliation.

I call this "the church effect," because everything seems to be a million percent more hilarious when you're not supposed to be laughing. And the worst part is that there is always at least one other person held captive with you. If you can avoid making eye contact with this person once the madness has started, that's a tiny victory because seeing his or her red, contorted face trying to hold in the laughter just makes you crack up more. Even if you do manage to turn away, every time you think you're getting it under control, you hear all the wriggling and gasping for breath next to you, and it's a bucket of LOLs all over again. Then, you draw even more people into the vortex because the sight of two people trying really hard to stop laughing is…well, funny.

That "I Love to Laugh" scene in Mary Poppins is apparently not all that far-fetched, which is probably why it resonated with us even as small children. Why do you sympathize with the gentleman who inconveniences everyone with his uncontrollable laughter? Because you can't help laughing any more than he can.

Just thinking about this topic makes the corners of my mouth turn up while I'm sitting here alone, typing. But I was none too pleased with my conduct, especially regarding this one instance where it was incredibly rude and disrespectful for me to be even smiling, let alone bursting with glee. A solemn countenance was the only appropriate facial expression for the moment, and I blew it.

Like the rest of my Type A brothers and sisters, I do not enjoy adding something else to the list of Things I Have No Control Over. Frankly, it's downright terrifying. And this is the ultimate etiquette conundrum, because once you're in its throes, there is absolutely no way you can make yourself stop.

It's not a matter of making excuses or not trying hard enough. Laughter, it seems, is too primal and involuntary a behavior for you to squash. Its meaning is the same in all cultures, where the meanings for almost everything else diverge. Even the deaf-blind, who cannot hear or see laughter, will reportedly laugh heartily. In a 1996 scholarly article that appeared in American Scientist, Robert R. Provine called this "evidence of a strong maturational and genetic basis." The same article mentions the following episode:

Consider the bizarre events of the 1962 outbreak of contagious laughter in Tanganyika. What began as an isolated fit of laughter (and sometimes crying) in a group of 12- to 18-year-old schoolgirls rapidly rose to epidemic proportions. Contagious laughter propagated from one individual to the next, eventually infecting adjacent communities. The epidemic was so severe that it required the closing of schools. It lasted for six months.

I can't even wrap my head around this. It sounds more like a scene from the usual weird-for-the-sake-of-being-weird David Lynch than real life. We humans are trapped in our own surreality. And we can be destroyed, like Luke Skywalker in the training cave, only by what's already in our gut, living deep inside of us.

Before we get too abstract, there are some practical applications for our newfound fear knowledge of contagious laughter. You can try not to get yourself into these situations in the first place by avoiding sitting next to someone who routinely gets you giggling. Be calm and think calm thoughts when you're in a quiet place. During the split second between whatever it is that makes you start laughing and the moment where your gaze meets the other person's, look away from them. Don't even let that first knowing glance occur. But let's face it, even these measures won't ensure a giggle-free time.

Once the laughing has commenced, the only things that have helped curb it for me have been (1) trying to turn my thoughts forcibly to something really sad, and (2) biting my tongue quite hard until all I can think about is the fact that my tongue hurts. Of course even if I do corral myself, my work is completely undone if the other person / people are still losing it. Perhaps, with such an involuntary foe as laughter, it is enough for people to see that I'm trying -- really, I am! -- to stop.

So, it's clear that we can't control laughter. Maybe it's the great equalizer in that respect. And it's a good opportunity for us to learn and apply grace, giving others who can't stop laughing a break, and giving ourselves a break when it happens to us. The best thing to do is to be thankful it doesn't happen more often at inappropriate times, and to enjoy it when it is appropriate -- which, luckily, is most of the time.

Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr, email tess@rvanews.com, or use the form below.

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Richmond Proper: A winter compendium

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 15:55:45 +0000

It's been another banner year here at Richmond Proper. We've examined everything from street harassment, to proper condolences, to cycling, to parenting during these past twelve months. Let's wrap it up with a year-end collection of etiquette thoughts from seasoned professionals and tween bloggers alike. Happy holidays and keep it kind in 2012.

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madebymordecai.tumblr.com

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Whenever two people come together and their actions affect one another you have etiquette.
Emily Post

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magdvn.tumblr.com

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I was raised to consider manners one of the most important things anyone can possess. It doesn’t take much to hold a door open for someone or say hi with a smile on your face and you never know if something like that will turn someone’s entire day around.
talktoblaineanderson.tumblr.com

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readymind.tumblr.com

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If someone is speaking and you interrupt them, you are automatically making whatever they had to say unimportant. Get some manners man.
lyliibird.tumblr.com

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hickorynines.tumblr.com

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5 Ways to Combat Rudeness
Don’t take it personally. Perhaps the offender is having a bad day.
Size up your annoyances. Is it worth it to make a fuss over something small, or is it a waste of your emotional time?
Set a good example. Rudeness begets rudeness. If you speak sharply to the bank teller, don’t be surprised if you get the same treatment in return.
Count to ten. When someone’s behavior makes you angry, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself, “Is it really worth blowing my stack over this?”
Laugh it off. If you can’t come up with a friendly joke, just chuckle and change the subject.
emilypost.com

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thedappercadaver.tumblr.com

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Being nice to someone you don’t like isn’t called being fake, it’s called being mature.
itllbe--alright.tumblr.com

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touchoftea.tumblr.com

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A Modern Gentleman Should
Stay away from the big three polite conversation taboo subjects:
Politics
Religion
Money
If you are in a group comprised of people you aren’t very familiar or comfortable with then these subjects are going to be the sure fire way to offend someone. They are very personal subjects and often the exact way you feel on one or more of these subjects isn’t going to be adequately expressed to your audience. It is my suggestion that you find conversation topics on sturdier ground.
Remember this at that holiday party.
thesoutherngentlemen.tumblr.com

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Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr, by email tess@rvanews.com, or using the form below.

Richmond Proper: To respond or not to respond, to warn or not to warn

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:00:08 +0000

Are tensions running high in the Richmond dating scene? I've been getting a lot of questions about relationships lately. It makes sense; nobody wants to be the bad guy in a relationship, especially around the holidays. Read on for your advice fix on both the simple and heavy ends of the spectrum.

An anonymous reader asks,

What do I do if I know my friend's girlfriend is cheating on him? Do I tell him about it, or just not get involved?

The short answer, as usual, is "it depends."

It's almost never a good idea to be the messenger of terrible news. At best, you're forever associated with tragedy in your friend's eyes, and at worst, your friend turns on you and begins to identify you as the enemy. The bottom line is that something wicked is going on, and the fallout will not be pretty.

So when you somehow become aware that a friend's girlfriend is cheating on him, you should first ask yourself how close of a friend he is. Is this just an acquaintance, or someone you're friendly with but can't consider a confidant? Then you should leave it alone. You don't know this guy or his girlfriend well enough to elect yourself as the Scales of Justice in their lives. Perhaps it's a fleeting dalliance--a momentary blip, and a terrifying mistake that the girlfriend will later thank her lucky stars that she didn't allow to continue. One can only hope. And if it's something more, the tempest will probably reveal itself without your help. Don't worry about the possibility of her "getting away with it." If not now, at some point in her life she will likely agonize over it and punish herself much better than you ever could.

If this guy is a very close friend, you should consider telling him. I would say to tread softly and examine your motives carefully. Have you always disliked this girl? Are you super eager to tattle on her, just so you can say "Ha! I told you so!" Inappropriate. Go back to square one. You lose at the game of friendship. But just as you have a responsibility to warn your friend before things like drugs, eating disorders, or drunk driving snatch them from you, you'd want to warn them before they waste more weeks, months, or years with someone who treats their love like it's disposable. If this is your motivation, tell him. Your friend will be grateful to you at some point.

If the girlfriend knows that you know what's going on, you might want to approach her first. Simply say "I'm going to tell Bob if you don't confess it to him yourself within a week." This puts the onus on her, and gives her the grace to tell him in whatever manner she sees fit.

If that's not possible, then meet up with your friend privately and give him the bad news clearly and calmly. "Hey look, I'm not saying people can't change, but here are several examples of what's been going on between your girlfriend and so-and-so. I would hate to see you waste your time on that. I respect whatever you want to do with this information, and I just really wanted you to know what was up."

What happens next is a whole other story. Maybe I should do a column on how to treat a friend who's been through a recent catastrophic breakup.

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Our second question comes from Tumblr user katesloan:

If you go on a date with someone, & you don’t have a good time/don’t like them, is it okay to just stop returning their calls/texts, or are they owed a proper explanation?

I'm firmly in the "no" camp for this one.

You don't get to just slink into the darkness, leaving the other person to wonder about you and to slowly let the wave of rejection wash over them. If you're old enough to date, you're old enough to politely decline date #2. It's time for you to master the art of letting people down easy.

As Judith Martin puts it, "The ability to say no politely is an essential social skill. All that is really needed is the ability to repeat 'No, thank you,' interspersed with such small politenesses such as 'I'm so sorry' and 'You're kind to ask' and 'I wish you luck.'"

Never just ignore another human being's attempts to contact you. It's common courtesy to respond, whether it's an invitation to a stay at a Sandals all-inclusive resort or an invitation to jury duty. If you're not interested, that's fine! It's your right. But just say so. Ignoring the other person makes it seem like you're running away or avoiding rejecting them because you know it's wrong. If you aren't into them, you don't need to hide it. Politely tell them the truth. Thank them for the wonderful meal, coffee, or whatever, and then let them know that you didn't feel like there was much chemistry between the two of you, or that you don't seem to have much in common.

Then, if they continue to contact you, block them--there's no need to respond again. Especially don't respond to yell "QUIT CALLING ME!" Some people will take this as encouragement.

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Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr, by email tess@rvanews.com, or using the form below.

Richmond Proper: On rebellion

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:00:34 +0000

I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.
Thomas Jefferson

Know, first, who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly.
Epictetus

We all know that Richmond Proper adores order and exhorts her readers to live as peaceful an existence as possible. But this week, as a sort of rebellion perhaps, I'll address the subject of...rebellion. Tumblr user "gerlachness" writes:

I’m a good girl. I never went through a phase where I needlessly rebelled against my parents causing them distinct anxiety as I went out partying and smoking. I would never do something that would purposely harm my future. I plan, I’m organized, and unknowns scare me. So I clung to the safety of my parents’ orders and only questioned silently in my mind.
I am in need of rebellion. Last year I got a tattoo and almost relished in the thought that my parents would be upset. That they would lecture me about it. But, I was met with indifference. My dad couldn’t care less and my mom just sighed and accepted it. I could say that I was relieved, which I was in a way, but in the back of my mind I wasn’t satisfied.
I don’t know what I stand for so that need to change the world lays in embers in my soul. I feel the pain and the anger that builds from seeing wrong doing, but I really don’t have the resources to do anything about it.
So I’m left in a conundrum. What do I do to get my fill of rebellion? Take a trip that they don’t approve of to some place farther than my parents have ever taken me? Dye my hair, or part of it, some funky color? Get another tattoo that only I know about? What can I do?

This is a good set of questions, and it's a shame that most people don't ask them this bluntly and that instead we all wander around acting like we're not trying to rebel and like we're not seeking the attention of others. The short answer is that you should explore whatever justice projects, aesthetic changes, or road trips you feel like taking on and not be so worried about whose attention those pursuits will get.

I can relate to you on the good girl thing. My rebellions, if you can call them that, were of the most vanilla variety. And since I was super busy with music, sports, friends, and other hobbies, taking on additional, riskier enterprises seemed like way more trouble than it would be worth. Most dissipated people will tell you that drugs / smoking / extreme partying / bad manners are not as glamorous as they seem. I think you've chosen the right path thus far.

I would encourage you not to focus on appearances too much in your quest for a little rebellion. You must wear clothes, and you must do something or other with your hair, so by all means, express yourself and have fun with your looks. Put on what makes you feel comfortable and confident. But part of growing up is beginning to know yourself, so you'll want to make sure you aren't letting fashion statements dictate your personality. Don't dress a certain way--whatever way is deemed "rebellious" these days--and then fabricate the personality and interests to back that look up. Rather, use what freedom your budget allows to make your wardrobe reflect what already exists in your personality. A boilerplate "rebellious" look may just be a phase, but a look crafted in this manner can become your signature, your standby, and something to make the "what was I thinking" pang of regret almost non-existent as you grow older and your style naturally and gracefully changes.

I would also encourage you not to make it your mission in life to make your parents disapprove of you. In the future, I'm sure you will find all the disapproval you ever wanted, whether it be from a boss, a spouse, a neighbor, or a friend you thought was on your side. Relish the good relationships you have with those who love you and try to preserve them. Besides, it seems as though there are things you are more passionate about, so what would getting another tattoo or finding some other way to tick off your parents really accomplish?

I hope my advice has helped you. And though your purpose in life is more important than just setting out to ruffle some feathers, if you do end up inadvertently doing that along the way, I hope you are able to relish that as well.

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Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr or email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: Entertaining round-up

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 11:00:34 +0000

It happens every year: holiday events sneak up on us just as "how lovely, the leaves are changing!" leaves our mouths. In the midst of the chaos of scheduling, preparing, and executing these events, hosts become flustered and guests become overwhelmed. The holidays are in full swing now, so I thought it would be appropriate to do a round-up of previous entertaining-related columns here on Richmond Proper. Time to brush up before the hordes of visitors arrive!

On Being a Good Guest: "It’s tempting to think of the guest to host relationship as being one-sided: hosts do all the work, and then we as guests just show up. But socializing should be a two-sided activity where hosts see to our comfort and we respond with our company and respect. Punishing a host for his good intentions with bad behavior seems like an unnatural response, and yet so many hosts come away from events feeling used or having to deal with awkward situations. I like to think that this is the result of carelessness rather than cruelty, so assuming we all desire not to ruin the lives of our hosts, let’s set forth a few basic rules for being good guests." (read more)
On Being a Good Host: "The relationship of guest and host is a system of give-and-take, and when we consider a few simple rules we can help to eliminate the “me vs. them” feeling of dread that sometimes arises when hosting an event." (read more)
Setting the Table: "A simple, standardized set of tools seems like the most sensible way to set the table. Most of us will rarely (if ever) attend dinners that require what Miss Manners calls a “nightmare table setting,” with 40 different objects arranged around our plate that we are expected to know how to use. So instead we will focus on the basic table setting, which works for everything from a family dinner to a sit-down wedding feast." (read more)
On Family Manners: "As we roll deeper into holiday crunch time, we could probably all benefit from a brush-up on our family manners. Holiday gatherings can alternately be a time to remember all the things you love about your family, as well as all the reasons you don’t hang out with them often." (read more)
On Hoverers: "A particularly sensitive subject around the holidays is the phenomenon of hovering guests. These are not party-goers who literally levitate above the floor, but who follow their hostess around like a shadow while she tends to her duties. Recently I have had an alarming number of run-ins with this type of guest and have been completely clueless on how to gracefully extract myself from the situation." (read more)

As always, I'm available to answer your brand new etiquette questions as well, so don't be shy. Contact information is always at the bottom of the article, and I've always got my RP superhero costume stashed in a secret compartment in my purse, ready at a moment's notice.

Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr or email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On vegan potlucking

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 10:00:32 +0000

This installment's question certainly strikes me as particularly Richmond-relevant. Tumblr user Sofisopaipilla asked:

Ever since I became a vegan 3 years ago, I have been trying hard not to make it a hassle for others. I have been preparing all the food for any gathering I host and when I go out to dinner or to a party, I try to make do with what is there and not make it obvious that I’m “only eating salad.” I don’t want any meat or animal products in my home, but I would like to have a potluck type gathering. Is it out of the question, crass, rude, icky to ask people to bring a meat-free dish to share? I’m willing to make concessions for non-vegans who find it difficult to make a strict vegan dish.

Hey Sofisopaipilla! First off, heartfelt thanks are in order for remembering that your diet is your choice, and for not trying to make others feel guilty if indeed you do end up only eating salad. I agree that it just takes a few extra minutes to take a look at an invitation and plan ahead. Often my husband will just eat a little something before we leave the house if he believes he won’t find much vegetarian food wherever we’re going. But at the same time, it’s nice to go to parties where you can eat everything you see--minus the draperies.

Though not vegan myself, I sympathize with you since, here in Richmond, it seems like almost everyone has some kind of dietary restriction. I usually find myself (an omnivore) part of a small minority at a party full of vegetarians or what-have-yous. When hosting gatherings of my own, I try to keep those statistics in mind and offer some items other than salad, something that a mix of my omnivorous, veggie, vegan, and gluten-free friends can eat. But even within those groups are the people who have other specific allergies or who HATE tomatoes, or HATE onions, or whatever. It’s impossible to please everyone, but making a reasonable effort to be hospitable is the best you can do. It sounds like you’re going above and beyond in that arena.

As with any event you plan, coordinate, and host, remember that it’s your party. It’s absolutely not rude to have a vegan potluck! That would be like saying it’s rude to invite people to join a book club, on the off-chance that they might hate books. If anybody doesn’t want to come to a vegan potluck, they are fully capable of RSVP-ing "no." Please don’t feel like this will make you look rude in any way.

It’s likely that you’re frequently invited to events you’re not interested in attending, and while you might immediately RSVP “no,” you still appreciate that the host offered to include you.

I’m a big supporter of food-related parties of any kind, but I particularly love ones that allow me to try new and different cuisine while exercising the ol’ cooking muscle. And people know that though expertly-crisped vegan spanokopita will be gladly devoured, suddenly becoming a pro vegan chef isn’t a requirement. Tons of common food is already vegan or can be made vegan very easily with a quick substitution. And if somebody can’t manage to at least grab a bag of chips or a box of Tofutti Cuties to bring with them, they are likely just too busy to attend any kind of potluck at the moment.

You probably want to have a potluck for the same reasons everyone does--to share good food and good conversation with people you love. Take this opportunity to enjoy a bit of a natural filter in your probably-busy social life. If certain people only hang out with you when there’s a hearty serving of meat nearby, it’s possible that their motives are less than genuine. But anybody who just loves your conversation and being around you will be at your party, vegan dish in hand. Filtering complete.

Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr or email tess [at] rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On parental wedding gifts and feuding friends

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 10:00:43 +0000

As fall descends and party season ramps up, Richmond Proper seems to be accumulating more seekers of event-related advice.

I’m hosting a house party at a vacation destination this weekend and two of the four house guests are having drama with each other. Both people are loosely associated with one another with myself being the common denominator.
Person A says they love me enough to suck it up and deal with the other person for my benefit, and will try and have a good time regardless.
Person B says they won’t cause drama, (even though they always do), they don’t want to be around people who have a problem with them, and will only decline the invitation if I feel their presence would be unwelcome (which for 25% of the party guests they would be.)
Do I tell Person B not to come? Do I force an intervention before the weekend and see what happens? Do I be a total dick and issue the uninvitation?
Why does turning 30 feel like I’m turning 11 again?!

This is a tough one, and I sympathize with you. I’m not sure what drama occurred between Person A and Person B to make them feel uncomfortable, but it seems like the situation is almost enough to back you into a corner where rudeness is the only option. Don’t let it! That won’t help diffuse the tension.

Person A said that he or she will try to have a good time regardless of whether Person B shows up. And Person B said that he or she will come unless you tell them not to. Since neither of them is really forcing an ultimatum, I would not address the issue further. As the drama is between the two of them, and you’re still friends with both of them and want them both to celebrate with you, the responsibility is on them. Let them decide for themselves whether they would like to come or not. If they decide it would just be too awkward, there’s nothing wrong with respectfully RSVP-ing “no.” But if they do come, they must understand that they have elected to be there, that nobody’s twisting their arms, and that they must not spoil your party with squabbling.

I know you want your friends to come and to have an awesome time with you, but don’t feel pressured into solving this problem for them. They can’t force you to choose between them, and I think you’ve done right by inviting them both and showing them that your group of friends does not shatter when relations sour in some corner.

I just turned 30 recently as well, and I can agree that I’m glad to move farther away from the age of immaturity. I hope you have a wonderful 30th birthday, and that you don’t feel 11 for much longer!

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Am I expected to buy a wedding gift for my dad and step-mom?

Yes, you’ve got to get a wedding gift for your dad and stepmom. I completely understand that it’s difficult to shop for parents--any time they want something, they pretty much go out and get it. So the challenge here is to think of something they didn’t even know they wanted, and get them that. Whether it’s tickets to some cool local event or theater they didn’t know existed, or some gadget that would be super useful to them that they didn’t know existed, they’ll be appreciative of the thought you put into it. I’m sure they don’t expect you to spend a ton, so just make sure you find some way to honor them on their wedding day and let them know you care. Even if it’s just a card and maybe a framed photo of the three of you together, they will love it.

Another great gift you can give is to be helpful on their wedding day. Offer to take charge of some task that needs to get done, or to run emergency errands. The gift of your presence and an extra, dependable, set of hands can be a godsend on the day of their wedding.

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Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr.

Richmond Proper: On retail etiquette

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 10:00:57 +0000

The following treatise on shopping etiquette was submitted by a local retail maven who kindly sacrificed some of her time to fighting the good fight. It's been a few million years since my own foray into working retail, but these tips send all those t-shirt-folding memories flooding back. Read it well, and then go spend all your money at local businesses.

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I prefer bad news first, so I'll start there.

Do Not

Do not arrive early or stay late. The smaller the business, the longer our individual days, and the shorter our breaks. As a general practice, I never bang on doors before a store opens, and I try to leave other stores at least 10 minutes before closing. Staying late shows that you assume employees do not have obligations after work and that their time is not as valuable as yours.
Do not ask about the security of the store. Even if you are a loyal regular, that is both worrisome and far too invasive. It's fine to ask if we recommend our security company if you notice the sign, but understand that we might not want to talk about it. Please, please don't ask how often we use the alarm, if we have a panic button, or if the security camera video records over itself after a certain amount of time. I am immediately creating a police sketch in my head at that point.
Do not assume someone is playing a riveting game of Angry Birds instead of working. I find that when my job requires the phone or computer (and, no, I'm not rudely ignoring anyone), customers go out of their way to interrupt me, often taking time away from an important task. I have received numerous complaints that employees were using their phones, however, store policies should be determined and enforced by the supervisor, not the customer.
Do not call yourself fat, scoff at a size larger than yours, or hold something up and say, "how many people does this fit?" Someone in the store might wear whatever size you are ridiculing, and I cannot put your foot in your mouth for you. You create an uncomfortable environment for someone else who may unconsciously associate that with the store. If you decide to try on a piece of clothing that is too small for your figure, be realistic when it offers some resistance. I once stood two feet from a woman trying on a shirt on the sales floor (see "Do #6," below) and watched it rip down the front. She asserted the that shirt was poorly made and absolutely refused to pay for it, almost knocking me over in her hurry to leave, as though I might tackle her for her wallet. There's nothing wrong with your body, and there's nothing wrong with whatever size you wear, just own what you've got and you'll look divine.
Do not use your phone when checking out. It takes approximately 30 seconds to two minutes to ring you up for a small amount of purchases, but I assure you it will take at least twice as long if we have to interrupt your conversation repeatedly. Or we might just wait patiently until you're finished gabbing. In fact, having a loud personal phone conversation anywhere in a store is not advisable.
Do not ask for a discount unless you have coupons or a discount code. Do not plead, do not tell me the nice things you have done for others today. Do not tell me how poor you are. And especially do not ask me to call the owner of the retail store to ask their permission to give you a discount for no reason.
Do not assume that retail is an inferior job or not a career; I cannot count the number of people who assume that I am either a student working a side job until I get a "real" job or that I have children and work "for fun." No one should have to qualify their position! What if their boss is nearby? Need I mention the economy?

Do

Practice preparedness. Check out the website, call the store, or just stop by and ask questions! If you're lost, we'd love to give you directions. No one gains a thing if you don't even make it to the store.
Clean up after yourself. If you try on clothes, leave them on hangers (right-side out) in the dressing room or on a rack designated for rejected clothes. It is a much more contained mess than shoving them on a random rack on the sales floor to be discovered later. Better yet, ask where they should go! Often, putting your own things back isn't as helpful as it seems.
Engage in polite conversation and make eye contact! We listened to your story about the dress you need for "that wedding for the crazy bride whose sister's boyfriend's dog's vet saw this really great movie..." and maybe we're in the process of recommending a movie that you would love based on that story. We may not have more than a split second for a chat, but when we say more than, "credit or debit?" it's ok to listen.
Hand us your form of payment. Tossing change or your card our way honestly makes me sad. Think about how it looks, you tossing something towards our patient, outstretched hand. The smallest forms of respect are often the most appreciated.
Understand that our jobs might require a certain customer approach. Some businesses require a certain greeting, counting your items before you try them on, following you around like a lost puppy, or jumping in the fitting room with you. We're doing our jobs! If we ask if you need any help, you're allowed to say no. Maybe we can back off, maybe we have to ask again later, but either way we appreciate kind words in response to our kind questions.
Do change inside the dressing rooms. I could write a book on how everyone should practice positive thinking about your own body, but stores are public places and if you find yourself in your undergarments, it's probably best to slip behind a curtain or door.
Do ask for our opinion, but be prepared for a little honesty. I personally try not to let people leave in things that truly do not flatter their body. Why not suck up to customers regardless? Because you will get home and look in the mirror, or someone else will say something, and your money will be wasted. If I say, "you look amazing, look what that shirt does for your shape," I want it to never be doubted as truth.
Insist that your children follow your lead, and then set an excellent example. For their benefit, do shop quickly with children who are not also accommodated by the store where you're shopping. I like when kids come into the store! They make cute faces and I love a chat about Pixar movies. I do not love to see them tearing clothes off of hangers, breaking things, or running their sweet little hands across every smudgeable surface. If your kids hate shopping and take away from your experience, do hire a babysitter or swap afternoons with another parent.

Need some advice or want to share your own harrowing Carytown story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr.

Richmond Proper: The unruly parents of Carytown

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 10:53:53 +0000

I don’t make it out to Carytown much anymore, being an East Ender now, but the last two times I was there I witnessed some pretty egregious etiquette blunders on the same block of Cary Street. You know the one — Cary Court, Can Can, Sweet Frog, etc.

“She didn’t mean to!”

My husband and I finally checked out Sweet Frog a few weeks ago, after hearing so much fuss about it. It’s no Verry Berry, but it’s still good. It was crowded, so when we walked in we got in line in front of the froyo flavors we wanted. When it was almost my turn to get some coconut, I noticed that there was a group of children mix-and-matching their flavors. Cute! But what’s not cute was that they were darting from machine to machine, in this crowded, busy shop, cutting in line however they pleased. A spurt of chocolate here, a spurt of mango there, without ever getting back into the line for each flavor. Other children and adults waited awkwardly, not sure when to step forward to the machines. The people I assume were the wild children’s parents looked on languidly.

Between episodes of those kids dancing back and forth between flavors, the guy in front of me managed to fill his cup, and it was my turn. As soon as I raised my cup, of course, a tiny arm shot out and grabbed the handle. I jumped back and looked at one of the parents. He caught my eye and then looked at the floor. Finally, when charming little McGimmeGimme was done, I was able to get some coconut.

By this time my husband had managed to make it to the toppings bar, and was lifting a spoon of sprinkles when one of the children came from behind him and squeezed between him and the bar in order to get in front of him. You read that right — he squeezed, with much pushing and jostling, through the space between my husband’s torso and the toppings bar he was in the middle of using.

I only had time to give him a weak smile of sympathy and notice that a nearby mom had been watching the whole episode before the next impossible thing happened. The little girl who had been next in line also pushed her way between my husband’s torso and the toppings bar. Grabbing the aerosol whipped cream as she moved, she sprayed it with abandon, the overspray landing on both my husband’s clothes and my own (I was two feet behind her, actively trying to stay out of the fray). Dumfounded, my husband turned and gaped at the mom, who stood there listlessly. When she saw his face, she yelled “She didn’t mean to!”

I ignored her and was able to calm him down just enough for us to pay and get out of the toppings bar crossfire, as the poor employee behind the counter scrambled to clean up the mess.

So that was our first and our last trip to that particular insane asylum.

Here’s the thing — of course she “didn’t mean to.” She’s a small child. She doesn’t mean to do lots of things. But she’s your responsibility to parent, to lead, and to set a good example for. When she sees that her behavior gets no reproach, why would she bother to change what she’s doing? She will continue to steamroll others in life, until it’s finally her that the behavior embarrasses and alienates, rather than just her mother. It’s a far graver punishment in the long run to be too lazy to correct her now.

This, of course, isn’t one of those “Why do people let children leave the house?!” posts. My husband and I both really love children and enjoy spending time with them, as many of our friends can attest. But an unhurried trip to get some frozen yogurt shouldn’t resemble a contact sport.

“Thanks for stopping!”

I was driving east on a very busy Cary Street. It was dinnertime on a Friday night. Traffic was thick, and had been crawling along, but finally picked up. My windows were down. I was in the right lane, with a large SUV to my left, and all the cars around me were trying to accelerate as best we could in such traffic.

Suddenly, a gentleman leading three small children by the hands stepped right out into traffic from in front of Can Can. Not even at a crosswalk, but rather, in the middle of the street — directly in front of the oncoming cars. I didn’t even see them when they first stepped out because the SUV blocked my view, but I jerked my head in that direction when the SUV slammed on its brakes. I had no time to stop. As I swerved and sailed past in the right-hand lane, narrowly missing this guy and the children, he yelled “Thanks for stopping!”

No, thank you. Thanks for dragging three little kids, the eldest of which couldn’t have been five yet, into the middle of Cary Street. Thanks for being entitled enough to expect all heavy pieces of metal hurtling toward you to stop an eighth of an inch before they hit you, like you’re Magneto. And thanks for teaching the children when and where to cross the street, and how to act toward others in civilization.

Even an adult pedestrian who cares not to die, who is standing at an intersection, and who has a green light, will double-check traffic before he or she steps into the street. But a guy with three small children, in the middle of the block, as cars are whizzing by steadily? I — I can’t even — I’m at a loss.

I’m terrified for those children, and I hope this guy doesn’t continue using them as pawns in his sick version of Frogger.

Speaking of frogs, I bet they were headed to Sweet Frog.

Need some advice or want to share your own harrowing Carytown story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr.

Ask Richmond Proper: Engagement timing and a cat-fight

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:30:09 +0000

Richmond Proper is back, my well-mannered ladies and gentlemen. And I wouldn't bother resuming the column without making an announcement for my beloved readers. Richmond Proper is now on Tumblr, available for the advice-seeking masses. In addition to having the advice booth open for business, I'd also love to hear any stories you have of etiquette nightmares or delights you've come across in recent months. So, I would be honored if you would visit the blog and share your story or advice needs. These next two Q&As were mined straight from the new Tumblr:

I'm wondering if it's weird to get engaged around the time your friends are getting married. Two of my closest friends are getting married this fall. I don't want to be stealing their thunder or anything, but then again, I don't want to wait much longer because I'd like to get married sometime next summer, and I know it takes a long time to plan stuff. What do you think? My boyfriend thinks we shouldn't wait because there will always be someone getting married and some reason to postpone it.

Your boyfriend is correct. Somebody will always be getting married, or making some big announcement or other. The crazy thing about living in Civilization with other human beings is that you have to live your lives concurrently, meaning that you can sometimes end up doing things at the same time.

It is never “weird” to get engaged at any time — well, maybe it would be a little weird to get engaged while at a funeral, vigil, or other sad event — this is a decision that’s completely up to you. Your boyfriend should officially propose as soon as he pleases. Today, even! But when it comes to announcing your engagement, have a little tact.

Good times to announce your engagement:

Today
Tomorrow
Thursday night
Monday morning
Next month
Next year

Bad times to announce your engagement:

At your friend’s bridal shower
At your friend’s bachelorette party
The night before your friend’s wedding
At the reception, in the midst of your Maid of Honor toast

The timing and manner of your engagement announcement also depends on how you plan to let people know. A Facebook post in ALL CAPS two days before your best friend’s wedding is not the way to go. At my wedding reception, however, a friend who lives out of town came up, hugged me, and told me he was engaged. I was delighted. He wasn’t looking for a lot of fanfare, he just wanted to tell me in person, and I’m so glad he had the opportunity to. If your friends aren’t delighted at your news too, they’re not your friends.

— ∮∮∮ —

My roommate and I are maybe a little tense because of our cat situation. My kitten loves to play with my roommate's seven-year-old cat. The older cat is not interested in the least. So she hisses and spits and it gets my roommate very upset. I see it as them playing and don't mind, but she yells at my kitten and it's just become a little weird.

I think the 'yelling at a kitten part' kind of says it all.

Kittens are bad. Bad, cute, evil, perfect, snuggly little demons that never listen to instructions and seem to be in all places at once and perennially seeking mischief. But kittens are not a new invention. Nay, I’d say they’ve probably always been that way. Since the dawn of time, kittens have been pestering older cats in their immediate vicinity. Usually what happens is that the older cat ignores the kitten until the kitten finally calms down a bit, and they can get along without too much conflict. They may even learn to love each other and be caught snuggling on the couch one day when you come home from work. Or sometimes the older cat will just have to swat at the kitten until he or she gets the idea that they shouldn’t bite other cats’ ears, and then they can settle into a livable hatred. Yes, I’m fairly certain this is the way that kitten / grown-up cat relations has been trending for the past millenium.

The older cat ought to be voicing his opinion — it’s normal and natural. But your roommate should just see it as part of the adjustment to having a new kitten in the house. Unless one of the cats is legitimately leaving bloody marks on the other, they shouldn’t need to be separated. They will get used to living together eventually.

So the question is, what do you do to relieve the tension? Let’s say you and your roommate are in the kitchen enjoying some tea and those little Swedish cookies that come fresh from Ikea, a cat scuffle occurs, and your roommate yells at your kitten. Laugh charmingly, as I’m sure you always do, and say “Ah, little MurderPaws is wilding-out again! But I think they’ll be best friends in no time. It usually seems to go that way. My friend Esmeralda’s cat was super bummed when she got a new kitten, but eventually they started to play and run around together, and now they’re inseparable. This stage is fun but I’m looking forward to MurderPaws calming down a little too as she gets older.”

Certainly your charming laugh, along with a calm presentation of the facts, will diffuse the situation.

If you try this a couple of times and she is still in hysterics over the kitten, say “What do you think we should do about it?” This will likely make her realize there’s almost nothing you can do about it, aside from letting the cats settle down over time. If necessary though, compromising with your roommate about the cats will be better than listening to screaming all the time or living in a weirdly tense state. Squirting the kitten with a water bottle whenever she pesters the older cat can be a good non-yelling option you can offer up.

All of this advice is contingent on the fact that you asked your roommate before obtaining said kitten. Right? RIGHT?! Just checking. I know how easy it is to find oneself acquiring cats all the time.

Have a question, need some advice, or want to share some etiquette-related experiences with Richmond Proper? Head to Tumblr and let us know.

Richmond Proper: On visiting new parents

Valerie Catrow — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 16:00:46 +0000

As our etiquette expert continues her much-deserved hiatus, I'm here to help my girl Tess out and present you all with a few thoughts and tips about something I know and know well: the postpartum baby visit.

I've been on the receiving and giving end of this parental rite of passage, and it can be a source of both joy and tension for new moms and dads; they cherish the support of friends and family, but can get overwhelmed by the steady stream of extra bodies in the house while trying to adjust to their growing family. If you've got loved ones with buns in their respective ovens, take a look at a few ideas I've got for making that that first post-baby visit peaceful, helpful, and conducive to getting you invited back for future baby cooing opportunities.

Bring food

Yes, I'm starting with the obvious, but eating a hot, healthy meal can be such a struggle with a new little one in the house. Before the baby is born, let the parents-to-be know that you'd like to bring them a meal after the birth so you can ask about food restrictions and aversions. Prepare enough so they will have leftovers, and bring everything over in disposable containers (or in dishes you're not worried about seeing again). As an added bonus, include a couple containers of healthy snacks (like nuts or sliced fruits and vegetables) for them to have on hand throughout the day. (If you're really organized, rally the troops and set up a profile for the new family on takethemameal.com where folks can sign up up for specific days to make meal deliveries.)

Call/text/email ahead

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT just pop in. Reach out to the new parents and set up a time to stop by. A couple hours prior to your scheduled visit, send a quick text to make sure they're still up for it. Those first few days home with a newborn are hit or miss, and one of the best ways you can care for your friend is to give her a chance to back out or reschedule if it's been the day from hell.

Be on time

If you say you're going to be there at 6pm, be there at 6pm. Don't let them think you forgot about them or that you aren't making them a priority. Plus, there's a good chance that the new Mama has used your visit as an excuse to actually brush her hair and put on real pants. You don't want her to think for a second that she did that for nothing.

Make it about them, too

I get it. Babies are fantastic. When faced with a newborn, it takes everything I am to not snatch that snuffly little thing out of his/her mother's arms and ignore everyone in the room for the next 45 minutes. But don't forget that the new parents need a little love and attention as well. Try to make it a point to ask how they are doing before even stealing a glance at the baby. Warning: this will be very hard, but it shows Mom and Dad that you're there to care for them, too.

Wash your hands

If you do end up loving on the baby a bit, wash your hands before you touch him/her. Trust me, it will be a move that is much appreciated.

Chip in

They might turn you down at first, but offer to take care of a household chore. Keep it simple and not intrusive, like wiping down a counter, taking out the trash, or watering the plants. The new parents will be appreciative without feeling like you've been rummaging through their dirty laundry (literally).

Keep it quick

Your friends and loved ones want to see you, they want to visit with you, they want to watch you bond with their new child…but they don't want to spend all evening doing it. Before you walk in the door, give yourself a time limit (this will probably vary depending on how you close you are to the parents). When your time is up, kiss the baby, hug Mom and Dad, and get your sweet bippy out of there.

Check back in

New parents are bombarded with attention when their baby is first born…but it all starts to trickle away a few weeks after the birth. If you really want to be a blessing to them, call back when the baby is three months old and offer to bring a meal then. "Stoked" doesn't even begin to describe how Mom and Dad will feel when they get that call.

Valerie Catrow is the former editor of RVANews who now spends her days raising her son, reading young adult fiction, and watching really bad television. When she's not contributing to our parenting column or ranting and raving on her personal blog, Made in Richmond, you can probably find her abusing the caps lock key on Twitter.

Richmond Proper: On admiring the tattoos of others

Nathan Cushing — Tue, 31 May 2011 10:00:22 +0000

Show me a man with a tattoo and I’ll show you a man with an interesting past.
— JACK LONDON, 1883

As she is in the middle of a very laborious (and very exhausting) home renovation, I thought it would be appropriate, no, gentleman-like (proper, if you will) to present Tess Shebaylo with a week off from her regular column that guides us through the ins-and-outs of a polite society. So, dear reader, you and I will be with each other for the next few minutes, and I have something that I would like to discuss with you.

June is one of the most lovely months, don’t you think? Flowers are blooming, birds are chirping, and people are strolling through the many neighborhoods and districts of Richmond proper, enjoying the warm weather and minimal need for clothing. But we Richmonders are likely to come across more than just bare skin.

Richmond is the third most tattooed city in the country. More than New York City. More than San Francisco. As a result, this summer you will probably encounter people, like myself, who have tattoos. Lots of tattoos. And although you may not think that there is a need to discuss proper manners when looking at tattoos, I can attest from personal experience that many Richmonders miss the mark when it comes to tattoo etiquette.

I’ve had people come up to me, prefacing their impromptu presence in my life without even so much as a “Hello,” and immediately lift a sleeve of my t-shirt up to my shoulder to look at my tattoos. I’ve had people, mostly middle-aged women (but not exclusively) stroke my arms and legs with their curious hands, taking in the art that adorns my flesh. All without asking if they may do so. I must say, I am flattered when these well-intentioned, if not misguided, individuals compliment the aesthetic quality of my tattoos. I really do. And I understand that, even in tattoo-burdened Richmond, someone with a tattoo collection as rich and extensive as mine is by far par for the course.

But we with tattoos are not sideshow spectacles in a touring circus act. And we do not want to be treated as such. My surfeit of tattoos does not, ipso facto, make me someone that you can molest and manhandle to your heart’s content. Am I not a man? Did I not bleed for each tattoo? It is, I’m sad to say, a too uncommon courtesy to ask someone if they would allow you to look at their tattoos. Do you approach a severely burned individual and begin stroking their damaged flesh like it were Braille? Of course you wouldn’t.

In my experience, most people with an extensive tattoo collection love to hear compliments of their work. Please do give them. But preface such an interest in their tattoos by saying something along the lines of, “Excuse me, I think your tattoos look really cool. May I look at them more closely?” This simple extension of politeness will go a long way to ingratiate yourself with your sentient (and very sensitive) subject.

As you gaze upon the array of pigment that stretches across their skin, you may feel the compulsion to ask, “What do your tattoos mean?” There is probably no other question that makes a tattooed individual shudder in annoyance more than this one. It’s a fair question, to be sure. I don’t disagree with that. But most tattoos are a very personal engagement that one has with their design(s). For some it may commemorate, celebrate, even pontificate on one of many of their life’s experiences. It’s very much like if you were to look at a collection of framed photographs in someone’s home. Coming across a picture taken at their wedding, you would then ask without contextual provocation, “Why did you marry this person?” What a silly (and rude) question! Unless you are a police officer questioning a suspect, please control yourself and your interrogative predilections.

Tattoos, like spouses, mean different things to different people; things that one may not be comfortable in divulging while they’re strolling through Carytown, or waiting in line at Starbucks for their Mocha Frappuccino. Unless they are forthcoming with the story that inspired their tattoo themselves, respect their privacy and refrain from asking. What may appear as a frivolous piece of art is, more often than not, something quite meaningful.

Again, I do not want to dissuade you from complimenting the art that you will be seeing as the summer progresses. I hope that you do so. But remind yourself that people are not spectacles created for your whims of enjoyment. As always, be thoughtful; not thoughtless.

Richmond Proper: Propriety of a modern cyclist

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 17 May 2011 15:55:24 +0000

Spring is here and as usual, Richmond is simply covered in bicycles. My friend and this week's guest columnist Ian Dunwiddie was born and raised in Richmond and might as well have a bicycle for the lower half of his body. Which qualifies him to deliver some long overdue cycling etiquette.

Learning to ride a bicycle is one of those childhood rites of passage that almost everyone goes through. Like so many other things, once you learn how, you never really forget the rudimentary principles. Nowadays, with rising gas prices and an ever increasing downtown population, it only makes sense that people look for alternative means of travel. Cycling is the logical choice.

So what are the rules of the game when you take a bike into the streets? In actuality, they are the same as if operating a motor vehicle. Here is a rundown of things cyclists should be aware of.

A cyclist must obey all traffic laws, signs, lights and markings.

It is totally feasible to be pulled over for speeding on a bicycle (personal experience) or get a ticket for running a red light (personal experience). These are not instances of bored policemen harassing cyclists. These are instances of safety violations.

Always ride with the flow of traffic.

Cyclists must ride their bikes as close to the side of the road as possible. In the Fan there is plenty of space between the white line and parked cars for cyclists to maneuver without having to worry about traffic. Keep your head up and watch the parked cars as much as anything else in front of you. You never know when someone is going to throw their driver door open without checking their mirror first. Also, no one likes that guy who rides his bike against traffic on Cherry St. It's dangerous and makes drivers do weird things. So don't be that person.

Riding on the sidewalk is OK

Rumors were going around for a while that it was illegal to ride a bike on sidewalks in the city. This isn't Brooklyn. If you must ride on the sidewalk then yield the right of way to pedestrians. That's all there is to it.

Cyclists must signal their intention to turn or stop.

Remember those hand signals you had to learn when taking driver's education? Yeah, the real dorky ones that just about everyone scoffs over. Well, cyclists are required to use those to alert motorists. Need a refresher? Form a 90 degree angle with your left elbow. Hand up means right turn. Hand down means stop. Hold your left hand straight out from your body to signal a left turn.

Safety considerations:

Wear a helmet. It's for your own good. For all the times you get chastised for not "looking cool" the one time you have a serious accident is when you'll be glad you were wearing a helmet. Helmet regulations vary depending on the county you live in. Wear one anyway.
Use front and rear lights. It's required between sunset and sunrise. This is a super easy way to make drivers aware of you that is well worth it.
Keep at least one hand on your handlebars at all times. It's really hard to brake when you're texting and drinking coffee and a student walks out in front of you.
Don't wear headphones in both ears. It makes it very difficult to hear traffic around you, which could be potentially dangerous.

The most important part of cycling in the city is to take a defensive approach to motorists and pedestrians. Don't test your mettle against automobiles. Don't buzz students as they walk out into the street oblivious to everything. Just enjoy your indirect exercise, infinite parking options and fuel savings. Visit VDOT for more information on bicycle laws in Virginia.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

VDOT's Laws for Bicycling
[Also, here's the only bit of Richmond City Code I could find about riding things on sidewalks. -- Ed] – City Code Sec. 102-157.1.a – "It shall be unlawful for a person to operate an electric personal assistive mobility device, a motorized skateboard or scooter, motor-driven cycle or electric power-assisted bicycle, as defined in Code of Virginia, § 46.2-100, on a sidewalk or in a crosswalk where such operation is prohibited and where signs indicating such prohibition are conspicuously posted in the general area."
A multimodal Pecha Kucha

Richmond Proper: On condolences

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 10:00:02 +0000

It was a funeral several years ago that first awakened my interest in etiquette. A close friend's mother died, and I found myself at a loss for words. Eager to show my support appropriately, I cracked open a borrowed, tattered copy of Emily Post's Etiquette and read what it had to say about consideration for bereaved friends. I ended up hunkering down and reading the whole book over the next couple of weeks, fascinated and newly aware of all the ways that etiquette touches daily routines as well as life-changing events.

Expressing sympathy for those who have just lost a loved one seems to challenge most of us at one time or another. Even people who are known to be well-spoken and confident in their speech can be utterly clumsy when it comes to condolences. Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind the next time you find yourself searching for the right words.

Keep it simple.

Resist the urge to eulogize, or to say the "perfect" thing to exude comfort and reassurance. That's not your job. Your job is to be there for your friend, so just saying the basics will suffice -- "I'm so sorry," "I love you, " and "Please let me know if there's anything I can do," are good places to start.

Don't be presumptuous or condescending.

Saying "Cheer up, she's in a better place" or "You must be so relieved she's no longer in pain" seems to be an attempt to brush off the bereaved person's right to mourn. Saying "Oh I'm sure she would have wanted you to move on and have fun, so you should come to this party with me" is bossy and ridiculous. As Judith Martin writes, "Putting sentiments in the mouths of others is always offensive, but Miss Manners finds it particularly so in the case of those who are not around to speak for themselves."

Keep the focus on the bereaved, not on yourself.

Going into details about your experience with this death is not appropriate. Don't start sentences that keep the attention on your noble grief, like "Oh, when I heard, I was sooo distraught," or "I was so shocked to hear about it, I just couldn't believe it!" Sharing a short, happy memory about the deceased is wonderful, but don't deliver a sermon canonizing him or her. Often people launch into long personal stories, as if to prove how well they knew them, or to somehow legitimize their presence at the funeral. Your bereaved friend is 100% aware of what a great loss this is, and why it's a great loss -- he probably can't get these thoughts of his head, actually. Don't make it even harder for him to get through his day.

Avoid bombarding them with questions.

The last thing a bereaved person needs is to be expected to have everything "all figured out" so that she can answer a million questions. Never say things like "Did he go peacefully?" or "What will you do, now that Bob's gone?" or "Have you thought of selling the house?" Your friend does not need to be cross-examined with painful questions, and she can decide when to start thinking about these questions for herself. Even "How are you holding up?" is a trick question. She doesn't want to answer "Pretty good" for fear of seeming like she's not sad enough or something, and she doesn't want to answer "Awful, this SUCKS and I've been crying for 16 hours in a row" for fear of being dramatic. Don't put her on the spot by even asking this question.

Smile.

Really, it's OKAY to smile when offering condolences. This is not the time to yuk it up heartily (maybe later, over beers, and reminiscences if the bereaved person wishes), but you also shouldn't greet your friend with a stony face. I think a lot of people want to make sure they seem sufficiently sad, so they try hard not to smile even in conversations where a smile would be appropriate. This bereaved friend probably really needs to see her friends' smiles and feel their warmth and eagerness to help. So if you are happy to see her, as you likely always are, give her a smile -- even if it's through tears.

All this being said, I think one of the reasons why this topic interests me particularly is because I've never lost a super close friend or an immediate family member. I would love to hear some more ideas from those of you who have. What did someone say that really brightened your day? What did someone say that ruined it? Comment away.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: LOLcat edition

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 10:00:27 +0000

Because we have a lot to learn about manners from teh kittehs. And because it seemed like the right time.

The good kittehs.

(source: URLesque)

(source: I Can Haz Cheezburger)

EMBED-Dainty Kitty right side up - Watch more free videos

(source: VideoSift)

(source: I Can Haz Cheezburger)

And the bad kittehs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UerEMVBFMto

(source: WannaSmile)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RZO7VC2Mbc

(source: YouTube)

(source: I Can Haz Cheezburger)

Richmond Proper: On trolls

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 10:00:58 +0000

troll (n.) a person who submits deliberately inflammatory articles to an internet discussion

-- World English Dictionary

The beauty of this giant penny dreadful called The Internet is that it allows everyone to express themselves freely. This is also its downfall.

The instant you feel like googling something, whether it be some news item you just heard about or a plot twist in a TV show you like, you're confronted with this issue. Everyone has an opinion, and a simple Google search requires that you wade through mountains of reactionary, useless posts and comments. Even the most seemingly uncontroversial topic in the world will be bathed in rants and vitriol.

Those folks who only offer rants and vitriol are known as "trolls." A troll is the person who consistently posts spiteful comments ranging from threats to nonsensical babbling just to fill up space. Just to bother. Just to provoke. Message boards, news sites, blogging sites, Twitter, and maybe even your Facebook feed are full of them. But the interesting part is that behind that cynical, hate-mongering beast is a real person, just sitting in the dark in their parents' basement with nothing better to do. Likely, these are human beings who would never confront others in public with such arrogance. In real life, they may even be some semblance of friendly.

A large part of the problem is anonymity, or at least perceived anonymity. "If you aren’t going to say something directly to someone’s face, then don’t use online as an opportunity to say it. It is this sense of bravery that people get when they are anonymous that gives the blogosphere a bad reputation," said Mena Trott, cofounder of Six Apart, in an article on Times Online.

The same thing that can make the internet so honest and candid at times can also encourage more vicious attacks. People who have trouble talking freely about their lives and feelings tend to do it more easily on blogs and social networking sites. Likewise, haters find it easier to hate when they don't think there are consequences involved.

But as Judith Martin observed, “We already know that anonymous letters are despicable. In etiquette, as well as in law, hiring a hit man to do the job does not relieve you of responsibility.”

Another part of what fuels the trolling phenomenon is convenience. It's so much easier to post a quick, mean comment than to have a long talk, or to write an organized and well-thought-out post. Jabs and snickers that wouldn't make it past a troll's lips in a real conversation are suddenly brought center-stage.

Yet even without anonymity or convenience, pretty atrocious levels of trolling are reached just for sheer jealousy's sake. The good old-fashioned desire to feel better about oneself by tearing someone else down; that strange misconception that there's a limited amount of wellbeing in the world and that you have to take it away from someone else in order to experience it yourself.

The first ever jailing of a troll this year in Britain emphasizes how tenacious some of these types can be. And though this is an extreme case, trolling is becoming ubiquitous on the internet. Celebrities expect these things and probably embrace them -- for no PR is bad PR, right? -- but to the rest of us, this kind of targeted harassment is also becoming familiar. I doubt there are many Richmond Proper readers who haven't been attacked by a troll in some manner during their online existences.

What follows are a few principles for dealing with this fact of internet life.

Don't be a troll.

The issue of trolling can be diffused in a very simple, playground sort of language. Yes, what your mother told you still applies: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Act civilized, or go live in the wilderness with the other animals (note: you cannot bring your laptop to the wilderness).

Do disagree, offer good discussion, and give constructive criticism on the internet. This is not trolling. Civil discourse is a wonderful thing ("civil" being the key word there).
Don't turn off your basic manners when you log in. If you wouldn't say what you're about to type to that person's face, don't say it period.
Think before you type. Really, truly think about what you're saying, how it will reflect upon you, and how it will make others feel.
Consider the necessity of your statement. Ask yourself if bodily harm or harm to your quality of life will occur if you "let this go." If not, let it go.
Give others the benefit of the doubt. Don't jump down someone else's virtual throat.
Remember that on the internet, nothing disappears. Take a moment to mull over how ridiculous you are making yourself, and how ridiculous you will remain. The McSweeney's series, Get to Know an Internet Commenter, will give you some perspective.

Don't acknowledge a troll.

Not giving trolls the attention they so desperately desire is your best bet when you encounter one.

Know the difference between someone who disagrees with you and a troll. Someone who disagrees with you may make a comment like "I think you may be wrong there, because in my experience, it's been more like such-and-such." A troll makes comments like "YOU ARE DUMB LIEK SHUT UP NOBODY CARES!"
If the trolling occurs on your own turf (blog, email, etc.), just delete it. Most blogging and email programs allow you to set up filters to rid yourself of comments from trolls, before you ever even see them.
Resist the urge to write back. As much as you want to rip open their flimsy, pointless statements and point out their own glaring flaws, don't do it. Once you're embroiled in the muck, they've brought you down to their level, which is what they aimed for with their inflammatory remarks.
Remember how important you must be in the eyes of the trolls. If they were truly uninterested, they wouldn't be filling up your comments -- they would be ignoring you. Their comments confirm their interest, despite whatever it is that they're saying. Congratulations, you're famous to someone.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On courtesy to one’s own family

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 11:00:05 +0000

"A myth exists that one of the pleasures of private life is the ability to drop manners and -- as people always put it when they assert the desire to be repulsive -- be themselves. On the contrary, that rapidly becomes one of its drawbacks....When the manners of personal respect disappear, and couples feel free to insult each other when they happen to harbor unflattering feelings, they get rapidly worse."
-- Judith Martin

“One face to the world, another at home makes for misery.”
-- Amy Vanderbilt

Ah, February. When the holidays and snow days have passed, and the novelty of the season has worn off, you're still stuck inside avoiding the icy wind. Each year you lift your head up from the December / January whirlwind and find yourself planted firmly in February, though it seems like winter should have stepped courteously aside for spring by now. While you're waiting for that first warm day when all of Richmond will inevitably turn out wearing pastels and skipping, you've got plenty of quality time to spend with your family.

As cabin fever sets in, it's important to think about the courtesy we show to our own families. Spouses, parents, children, and roommates are some of the most important people in our lives and often they are shown the least civility. I'm not sure who started this evil rumor, but good manners aren't meant to be saved for strangers. As Judith Martin observes, "The consequences of violating etiquette in ordinary life are more unpleasant than the effects of small technical errors on formal occasions."

A lot of people will use the excuse that they need to "let it all hang out" in order to enjoy being comfortable around their families. Nobody is expecting you to be this perfect little plastic-smiley robot family. You can be as open, vulnerable, and real with your family as you like without being crass and inconsiderate. I think EtiquetteHell.com summed it up perfectly with this comment:

Give all of us a break. We are so tired of rude, obnoxious tirades, tantrums and behavior semi-justified as being 'real.' It’s real alright. Really, really disgusting.

Over time, this kind of behavior reinforces the message that you don't think highly enough of them to show them your best side.

In truth, your family should be the group you want to show kindness and respect to, above any other group. These are the people you spend your life with. So stop talking over each other, glaring from across the room, and slamming doors. Stop texting at the dinner table, burping loudly between bites of pizza, and bickering about each other's faults.

Start enjoying your time together. Break out those bar books and finally try those cocktails you've been talking about. Start a serious Wii Boxing tournament. Go on long walks and reward yourselves with hot chocolate. Do one of those puzzles that features a picture of a covered bridge. Start a kite-flying society. Or whatever. The point is, cherish these people that you spend most of your life with, and give them the same respect and manners that you would give the Queen.

You might say that you don't want to be fake, and that the real you blurts out whatever she feels without thinking and clips her fingernails at breakfast. But I argue that the real you wants to treat her family with love and consideration, and wants to put the emphasis on conversation and shared experiences rather than on whose gross-out humor threshold is the highest. Once you eradicate this false you -- the you that shows composure and civility only to outsiders -- not only will your family know how much you care about them, but you will be setting an example of what a difference a little decency makes. And being considerate is contagious.

Enjoy the rest of the winter, dear Richmond Proper readers. I can see the sun just around the corner.

"Don't reserve your best behavior for special occasions. You can't have two sets of manners, two social codes -- one for those you admire and want to impress, another for those whom you consider unimportant. You must be the same to all people."
-- Lillian Eichler Watson

"Most people feel they need etiquette only on occasions when they are spending a great deal of money -- putting on a wedding, for example. Otherwise, they can apparently make do with rudeness."
-- Judith Martin

Richmond Proper: On street harrassment

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 11:00:20 +0000

"Good behavior is catching; the more you display it, the more it spreads. This doesn't mean becoming a doormat; it does mean you can defuse a situation without wrangling over who's right or wrong."
-- Peggy Post

Ladies,* I'm sure this is a nightmare you're well-acquainted with: You're walking down the street minding your own business, when suddenly a stranger squawks a bunch of nonsense at you, and you can't think of a great comeback until after you've already stormed off. This routine is a guaranteed morning-ruiner, dreaded by women the world over. In this culture where assault is supposedly a major crime, it's somehow no big deal to yell down the street about the theoretical assault that you'd like to commit. It's frustrating and ridiculous.

Cat calls have been on my mind since I recently discovered Hollaback!, a web site that gives a voice to victims of street harassment. Participants send in stories and pictures of their harassers, publicizing behavior the men would rather keep anonymous and undocumented. Hollaback! hopes to create a "crowd-sourced initiative to end street harassment." Though this goal seems overly ambitious -- some of us have been waging war against public rudeness for years already, to no avail -- just providing a venue for a response is revolutionary.

The Hollaback! method of taking an embarrassing iPhone video and using it to humiliate the guy who humiliated you is certainly an innovation. I'm impressed by people who have the wherewithal to accomplish this task during those few awkward seconds on the sidewalk. Fighting back in this way is admirable, but I know it would be hard for me to do without (1) getting flustered and / or (2) being rude myself. If I actually stopped to interact with a harasser, I would probably end up dispensing a few stammered curses rather than shining justice.

A major focus of this column has been on never repaying rudeness with more rudeness. Richmond Proper is in the business of encouraging you not to stoop to their level. And what is the number one thing that a cat caller wants? Your attention. Nobody paid attention to him when he was little, so he wants you to pay attention to him NOW. Feel free to ignore him.

The Richmond Proper method goes something like this:

You: Walking down the street, staring vaguely into the distance.

Him: "Hey baby, get your [unintelligible] [unintelligible] over here so I can [unintelligible] your [unintelligible]!"

You: Walking down the street, staring vaguely into the distance.

The big picture is what this method is all about, and in the grand scheme of things this man was so insignificant that you couldn't be bothered to turn your head in his direction. "It is the object of lewd behavior to annoy and anger those to whom it is directed, " writes Judith Martin. By refusing to get angry you've just reinforced what every neglected child knows: that being ignored is far worse than being yelled at, and that no one will ever, ever love him. And you didn't even have to lift a / the finger!

Of course, I've also heard of the You Wouldn't Know What To Do With Me If You Had Me method being used to great effect. This involves yelling out "Yes, I'd love to 'get with you!' Meet you at Ruth's Chris at 8?" which inevitably sends the harasser running terrified in the other direction. Alternatively, you can suggest meeting at Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry.

If any of my dear readers has her own method or a good war story, I'd love to hear about it in the comments.

*Yes, I realize that it's possible for men to get cat calls as well, but since those cases seem to make up a slim minority, I'm going to simplify things for myself and use only female pronouns here.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On Negative Nancys

Tess Shebaylo — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 11:00:13 +0000

"Things without all remedy should be without remark."
-- Williams Shakespeare

"What the world needs is more false cheer. And less honest crabbiness."
-- Judith Martin

In this darkest, coldest, and most depressing stretch of the winter, it seems particularly appropriate to discuss negativity. The "woe is me" outlook tends to creep over each of us at one point or another, and it doesn't help that it has become So Cool to hate everything one comes into contact with. But most of you have the good sense not to pay it forward. You are careful not to let your sad little dirge eclipse your entire personality, or worse, to inflict it upon innocent bystanders.

Negative Nancys, killjoys, Eeyores, bammers...no matter what you call them, you know who they are. Doubtless you try to avoid your Negative Nancy when you see her coming, hiding your face in a cough and praying she finds someone else to strangle with complaints. Nobody likes a person with a fake, plastic smile plastered on her face at all times, but the Negative Nancy over-corrects this blunder and plunges instead into a melodramatic abyss. She sees all, feels all, hates all, and disapproves of all.

Friends, do not commit conversational suicide by being a Negative Nancy. Please, we love you and we want you to step back from the ledge! The following self-examinations should be useful:

Take stock of subjects.

What topics do you tend to bring up? There's a whole wide world of wonderful things to talk about. In case you're not clear, some of the things people do not want to hear about are: your aches and pains, "kids these days," politics, how irresponsible everybody else is, politics, how hard your job is, politics, and how bad the traffic was on your way here. Note: some of you are lucky enough to have a bosom friend who calls you promptly each night at 9:30pm, wanting to know every gory detail of your day. This is the person you should save the "real talk" for. Not random coworkers who are just standing in the wrong place when you decide to rant about the rising cost of Prozac. "To have a dear friend who will occasionally listen to a recital of woes, in exchange for services in kind, is a blessing," writes Judith Martin. "To require this regularly, or to impose it upon those who have not volunteered for such tedious duty, is the sin of adding to the total of unhappiness on earth."

Listen to yourself.

How often do you use negative words in a given conversation? Seriously, grab a loyal friend and have her take notes while you hang out for an hour. If you use words like hate, lame, awful, tired, crap, boring, and sick 90% of the time and words like interesting, love, cool, excited, and sweet only 10% of the time, you might be misrepresenting things just a little.

Gain some perspective.

Are you constantly declaring how bad things only happen to you, how doomed you are, how you were born under a bad sign, etc? In her book, The Art of Civilized Conversation, Margaret Shepherd states: "Steer clear of negative pronouncements in general and any moping, self-pitying remarks that seem to whine 'It had to be me.'" The truth is, bad things happen to everyone. No, the fact that your art supplies didn't get here in time for your big, tough, art project's due date does not mean that the Creator is benevolent to everyone except for you (but it might mean that you should have ordered them more than two days in advance).

Take comfort.

When others attempt to comfort you, what is your response? Most people feel thankful for the support, even if there's nothing the other person can do to solve the problem itself. "The chronic complainer, however, doesn't seem to feel better no matter how much she complains. She is happy only when miserable. Wedded to her troubles, she prefers self-pity to your pity, and will argue back when you try to cheer her up," writes Shepherd.

Of course, your next question has been anticipated. Here are some tips for dealing with the Negative Nancys we come in contact with, despite our best efforts at hiding from them.

Disarm her with a compliment.

Ah, the compliment -- the polite person's sharpest weapon. In the movie version of Gone With the Wind, Scarlett disarms India Wilkes (Negative Nancy extraordinaire) by complimenting her thus: "Why India Wilkes, what a lovely dress. I just can't take my eyes off it." There's nothing rude she can really say back to that, and still appear to be a kind hostess. This method is best used before the Negative Nancy even has a chance to start on one of her tirades. It makes it more difficult to deliver a disapproving monologue when she's been so beautifully complimented.

Don't argue.

If you try to point out the bright side to your Negative Nancy, you'll be inviting her to give you a thousand new reasons why her situation is so bleak. If you just stare back without saying anything, sometimes the Negative Nancy will go away without launching into a new topic of grief.

Change the subject.

"Say something related, however vaguely, to what has been said before," writes Shepherd. If your Negative Nancy complains that eating too much red velvet cake made her ill for a week, mention that this is quite a coincidence, because you're planning to wallpaper your dining room in red velvet. Then you can transition into leading the conversation to pleasanter pastures.

Excuse yourself.

Simply skitter off to the ladies' room, the copy machine, or the bar, depending on venue. I have used this excuse many times when the first three methods didn't work, and spent a few very pleasant minutes alone before returning to find the conversation over. Victory!

With these, I hope my dear readers can ably fight chronic negativity in Richmond and beyond. I leave you with the following quote from Miss Manners, and with a request for stories of Negative Nancys in the comments!

"Please notice that Miss Manners is trying hard to refrain from pointing out that there are people who overcome adversity with courage, bravery, and determination, who turn their attention resolutely away from their own dissatisfaction and toward bettering the lot of others. She has been told that this example is of no use to those who cannot manage that exemplary feat, so she is not demanding true cheerfulness. Naturally, the more skillful the performance of false cheer, the more pleasing the effect is upon one's public and on that private audience to whom one owes even more. It is also true that the semblance of happiness eventually, by some alchemy of the spirit, turns genuine. But even the crudest effort is better than tossing one's problems to others, like an unexpected volleyball to the stomach."
-- Judith Martin

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On not being THAT GUY at the New Year’s Eve party

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 11:00:34 +0000

New Year's Eve has become the national quintessential Saturday night, set aside as a social occasion with built-in disappointments for everyone. There is nothing like an officially designated time of glamour and excitement for producing mass discontent and depression.
-- Judith Martin

Sometimes I feel sorry for New Year's Eve. We put too much pressure on the poor evening. We dress up and are disappointed if we don't get enough compliments or if the pictures don't turn out right. We make sure to plan a wild night and we look forward to the spontaneity of it all, when the act of planning it out has already ensured that NOTHING about it will be spontaneous. We mask our bad decisions as the unexpected folly of a drunken party, when we know exactly which bad decisions we're planning to make when we wake up the morning of the 31st. We use the holiday to make our party-fueled actions seem less calculating.

Whatever happened to good conversation, good friends, and celebrating a new year and a new beginning?

A NYE party seems to provide more pitfalls and chances for failure than the average party. "New Year's Eve parties, being long and not carefully orchestrated -- as, say, a dinner is -- offer many opportunities for behaving badly, in ways one will suddenly remember with a sickening flash at breakfast the next afternoon," writes Judith Martin. "If you can't manage this yourself, you can always observe a loved one behaving badly."

One way to take some of the pressure off of New Year's Eve is to resolve not to be the most unruly guest at the party. By all means, have a blast -- but not at the expense of others. Nothing puts a damper on holiday fun like hosts or friends having to wrangle an unruly guest -- cleaning up after him, assessing damages, attempting to calm him down. Don't be that guy (or girl).

Plan ahead.

Make arrangements ahead of time for designated drivers, how you're getting home, or where you're going to stay. Scrambling to put this all together at three in the morning will probably not result in the best path you could have taken.

Eat a big dinner.

If you plan on drinking for a long period of time, make sure to fill your belly with food first. Nobody is surprised that the girl who had a house salad for dinner is already down for the count before midnight. Eat bread! Lots of bread.

Dress appropriately.

If the theme of the party you're attending is "I've given up on life," you should totally wear your faded-paint-stained-art-school-t-shirt, jeggings, and Crocs. If attire is "festive," get festive. And don't use being broke as an excuse. Making the effort to find something dapper at a thrift store and taking a few minutes to groom yourself will show your host that you care. She does not expect you to spend a lot of money on an outfit.

Be a good guest.

All of our previously discussed rules for being a good guest still apply. Just because it's New Year's Eve doesn't mean that consideration for others has gone out the window.

Limit your intake.

Pace yourself so that you can enjoy (and remember) the entire evening instead of just the first hour. Sip your beverage and enjoy the taste of it. Try not to switch between different types of alcohol all night. Drink lots of water. The most useful drinking advice I've ever been given is as follows: Always have your drink in one hand and some water in the other. Every time you take a sip of alcohol, take a sip of water. You can drink for days and remain in good health. To this day, I have never seen this method go wrong when strictly followed.

Ask your host what you can do to help.

If you notice that your host is a little flustered -- which is highly likely at a New Year's Eve party -- ask if you can do anything to help. You may be able to refill drinks or straighten up a little, and it will be greatly appreciated. Even if he's fine and doesn't need help, the gesture will mean a lot to your host.

Stick to the plan.

If you volunteered to be the designated driver, don't start taking shots at 1am. Your friends are counting on you. Don't announce to your friends that you just heard about a sweet party via Twitter and you should all abandon ship for the newer, cooler party. Changing plans at the last minute is a good way to get blacklisted from future events. Also, try not to get separated. If you made plans to meet up with your ride at a certain time, be there. Don't make him search every party on the block, listening for the telltale tones of your nasal laugh.

However raucous or tame your New Year's Eve is, I hope it's your best one yet! Much love and luck in the New Year from Richmond Proper.

Richmond Proper: On office kitchens

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 11:00:32 +0000

For many of us who bring lunches to work, the shared office kitchen is a battleground strewn with last month's leftovers and dirty coffee cups. And that's just during the rest of the year. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas most offices see an increase in food brought in to share, whether it's leftovers from a big family meal or an overzealous baking spree. Take a look at the following tips to keep office kitchens bearable despite the holiday influx.

Respect the rules of the kitchen.
Take note of how many people you're sharing the fridge with, and use space accordingly. Don't bring in a month's worth of groceries; bring only what you need for a week at most. Keep your items corralled to your specific area of the fridge or cabinet, so that others don't have to push 41 of your tiny yogurt tubs out of their way when they want to reach something else. If a coworker is deathly allergic to peanuts or gets nauseous at the smell of popcorn, don't bring those foods in to work. You can enjoy them just as well at home. If you use up the last of the coffee, plastic utensils, or other resource, be a big kid and replace them or make arrangements to replace them.

Clean up your mess.
Each time you leave the office kitchen, take a second to make sure it looks exactly the same as when you entered. If necessary, throw away trash, wash dishes, wipe off countertops, and clean the microwave. Never, ever, ever leave your dirty dishes or leftover containers sitting in the sink.

Keep up with your own food.
If you are storing food in the office refrigerator (and don't forget the freezer), check it every once in a while to make sure it hasn't expired. Make sure not to leave a bunch of questionable containers in the fridge, growing mold and grossing everybody out. Seriously, someone else should not have to purge the kitchen of your leftovers from two years ago. Labeling things with permanent marker will help you if you're forgetful.

Don't help yourself to others' lunches.
Apparently this is an actual issue that exists among grown-ass adults. Do not take food that does not belong to you unless the owner has given you special permission to help yourself. There is nothing worse than hungrily trotting to the office fridge only to find out your lunch has already been eaten.

Keep opinions to yourself.
Please resist the urge to comment on every single thing your coworkers eat. Do not chirp out things like "Something smells like cat food," "Hey, your whole meal is the same color," or "Pizza again?" These comments are humiliating for the other person, and they really show off your rude side. Your coworkers do not appreciate having their eating habits monitored and narrated back to them, no matter how food-conscious they are.

As Judith Martin points out, the underlying creed of office etiquette is "Look, we're all jammed in here together, so let's try not to get on one another's nerves." Amen. Richmond Proper would love to hear your office kitchen horror (and success?) stories.

Ask Richmond Proper: On greedy guests

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 11:00:43 +0000

"[Miss Manners] has never subscribed to the notion that etiquette requires one to make others feel good when they are up to no good."
-- Judith Martin

Reader Sarah writes:

Dear Richmond Proper,
My husband and I are known to be drinkers, like so many people are in this city. A couple weeks ago we attended a wedding, mostly because we love our newly-married friends but partly because of the open bar! The bride’s family are not well-to-do by any means, yet had a fully-stocked bar for the reception (it was at a restaurant). My husband ordered a drink for me, and then proceeded to go through all the small-batch bourbons like it was his own personal tasting party. When the night was up, he had ordered six of the most expensive things on the drink menu, and when I sneaked a peek at the total tab for the whole party, his was probably twenty percent. I tried to tell him I thought this was rude, but he laughed and said that it wasn’t our dime. What do you think about this?

Sarah, I think you were absolutely right to tell your husband he was being rude.

It's true that your gracious hosts, if asked for permission, would have said "Sure, have any drink you want! We just want everyone to have a good time." It's their job to provide the food and drink, and they knew the risks of having an open bar before they chose that path. If you and your husband really are known to be such prolific drinkers, they may have even calculated their budget to accommodate this charming trait. Maybe they even know some teetotalers who balance the tab out.

But your husband's willingness to drink your hosts out of house and home is inappropriate. Surely he could enjoy himself with several tumblers of mid-range whiskey and be just as jovial by the end of the night. When given an ounce of hospitality, our role as guests is not to demand a gallon. If your husband can't accept and enjoy this hospitality in a thankful manner, perhaps you should RSVP "no" for him in the future. "I'm terribly sorry, but George won't be able to make it that night. But I'll be happy to attend."

The truth is that these hosts are real people with real bank accounts, and they should be able to throw a party without going into too much debt over it. Avoid being the person who single-handedly throws their budget off, and you will be invited back for more bourbon next time.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Ask Richmond Proper: On polite rejection in the online dating scene

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 16:00:29 +0000

A darling reader asks,

Dear Richmond Proper:
So, I'm doing the online dating thing, and I need to know what to do when someone who you have absolutely no interest in messages you. Can you just not respond at all? Which is more rude: not responding or responding and saying "uh...nope"? I don't want to waste my time or theirs by responding to someone I have no intention of ever meeting. Do I just ignore? Make polite conversation? I have no idea, but I don't want to be mean. But I also really value my time and have no interest talking to someone I'm just no that into! Help!

You did sign up for this service, so you should expect messages from both interesting and uninteresting candidates. Either way, you should always respond immediately. "Respond when someone contacts you, even when you aren't interested," writes Peggy Post. "Just a quick message expressing thanks and a courteous regret will do." There is absolutely no reason for somebody to be offended by a polite reply. The whole point of dating sites is to find somebody you could spend your life with, which implies that you're going to have to weed through people you obviously can't spend your life with.

It might feel rude to brush a guy off with a quick message, but it's much ruder to not say anything: not only have you rejected him by not acknowledging his message, but you've also kept him waiting. If you already know there's not a chance, just say so. That's part of the beauty of internet dating: these are complete strangers, so you don't have any kind of a pre-existing friendship to worry about. Always be courteous, but don't over-think it. Things can be a little less touchy-feely and a little more logical and businesslike. As Judith Martin puts it, "If there is any advantage to cyberspace society, it is that he doesn't really know anything about you -- not even whether you are really the lady in the picture you sent -- and can comfort himself with the notion that there are a lot of frauds and nuts out there."

Speaking of logical, most sites have ways to tighten up the criteria for potential mates who can contact you. Take a look on your site and see what your settings are. f you're getting a large amount of mail from candidates who don't match very well with you, you might need to revisit those settings as well as any questions you answered on the site.

Admittedly, my knowledge of the technical specifics of online dating are minimal. I'd be interested to see if any of our other readers have experiences or advice to offer in this arena.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: Local history!

Tess Shebaylo — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 13:17:35 +0000

The Virginia Historical Society is currently featuring advice and etiquette books in their "Take a Closer Look" section. This is the perfect chance to brush up on your etiquette history and immerse yourself in some of the fantastic resources the VHS has to offer. Enjoy!

From the VHS web site:

The social upheaval of both the French and American Revolutions provided many low- and middle-class individuals social mobility. Education was an important vehicle for self improvement, and it was not limited to the esoteric. How people learned to negotiate the social obligations and interactions was equally important in their struggle to improve their conditions.

To learn more, stop by the Virginia Historical Society's website.

Richmond Proper: On compliments

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 16:00:20 +0000

"Some rudeness comes clothed in kid gloves. The perfect example is the back-handed compliment."
-- Peggy Post

The art of paying a simple compliment is in decline and may become extinct if we do not address the issue immediately. Never fear! The pen of Richmond Proper is prepared, as always, to deliver sweet justice to the faithful and gentle conviction to the rude.

It's very common for a person to start out trying to pay a compliment and end up delivering a self-esteem-shattering insult. In these situations, it's best to assume that the insulter had good intentions and to break the cycle of tackiness by responding graciously. Most of the time when a mature adult receives one of these thinly-veiled insults, she resists the urge to stare back in horror and instead just says "Why thank you! You're too kind."

Let's examine how to avoid being the bearer of these fake compliments with a few examples.

NO: "It's nice to meet you finally. You are so much prettier than your picture!"
YES: "It's nice to meet you finally."

NO: "You look great! Have you lost weight?"
YES: "You look great!"

NO: "I really love your hair today. It looks so much better when you wear it this way!"
YES: "I really love your hair today."

NO: "The food is delicious. I never would have guessed you were such a great cook!"
YES: "The food is delicious."

Even if you were just skimming (busted!), you must have noticed a pattern here. In the bad examples, it's always the second sentence that takes away the sincerity of the first sentence. Let's look into these offending sentences a little closer.

"You are so much prettier than your picture!" implies that there is some hideous picture of this person floating around the universe. NEVER imply such a thing.

"Have you lost weight?" implies that you must have lost weight, since you couldn't possibly look great if you hadn't.

"It looks so much better when you wear it this way!" implies that on the 967 days that the insulter saw you previous to the debut of your new hairstyle, he detested your hair and wished desperately for it to change.

"I never would have guessed you were such a great cook!" implies that it would be very unlikely for you to be good at something, which explains why the insulter is so shocked.

Most of the time, you can avoid giving a back-handed compliment by simply shortening your speech. Cut out all the qualifying filler and get back down to the only part that's really necessary -- the actual compliment. Your compliment doesn't need a lot of explaining or bulking up. It can stand very well on its own.

"The secure person has no trouble paying a compliment. It's the insecure person who finds it difficult to praise others."
-- The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette

Richmond Proper: On job interview etiquette

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 10:00:17 +0000

"A job interview is the perfect time for making someone else feel that he or she cannot live without you and would be foolish to try."

-- Judith Martin

A reader writes,

I would love to read a Richmond Proper column on job interview etiquette. We've been interviewing people all week and the things they do astound me!

Although visualizing a successful job interview is easy enough, it's amazing how quickly we slip back into unattractive and unprofessional behavior when we're in the hot seat. Then again, fretting too much about making a good impression can reduce a job seeker to a bundle of nerves that no one would hire. Here are a few simple guidelines to make the whole process a little less scary.

Dress appropriately.
This will depend on the type of job you're interviewing for, but your best bet is to dress a notch above what is expected at the workplace. "The real reason for dressing up a notch is that you want the interviewer to focus on you, not your clothes. If the interviewer’s attention turns to your clothes, you’re probably wearing the wrong thing." (emilypost.com)

Be on time.
As far as the interviewer is concerned, your punctuality directly reflects your level of interest in the job. Being late doesn't signify that you're busy and important, it signifies that you're not a grown-up and you can't plan ahead.

Silence your phone.
No text message or Facebook notification is worth ruining your employment possibilities. Even a rousing speech about your efforts to find the cure for cancer will be down the drain as soon as your sweet Color Me Badd ringtone goes off. Silence your phone -- the rest of the world can wait 45 minutes to continue pestering you.

Give a firm handshake.
Ah, the firm handshake -- loved by Dads and bosses the world over. And really, just about everyone else. Nobody likes the limp handshake, which inspires feelings of suspicion wherever it's offered.

Practice good posture.
This is a difficult one because it's so incredibly easy to slump without thinking about it. Sitting up straight can go a long way to make a person look dignified and up for a challenge, while a person who's hunched over looks tired and closed-off (and kind of resembles a caveman).

Be direct.
Check your tendencies to mumble and to be diminutive at the door. According to emilypost.com, job seekers should "speak clearly and make eye contact. Even if you are shy!"

Play up your strengths.
This is the time to mention all the good things about yourself that make you an asset in the workplace. "Having devoted her life to extolling the virtues of modesty and quiet charm, Miss Manners feels bound to admit that these are not wildly successful qualities to exhibit in job interviews," writes Judith Martin.

Be enthusiastic.
The studied aloofness that's so very cool in social situations should be ousted in favor of rapt enthusiasm. "In business, it helps more than any other single qualification, with the possible exception of being the owner's eldest child," says Judith Martin. Smiling also helps.

Don't be too familiar.
Stay away from the plague of TMI. Talking about bodily grievances, the latest steamy Mad Men scene, or how adorrrrable your three-year-old is makes you seem a little immature and takes the focus off of your work abilities.

Don't be negative.
Don't indulge in topics like your wicked witch of a former boss, or your sob-worthy divorce. Try to avoid giving the impression that chaos and tragedy follow you everywhere you go, even if this actually is the case.

Send that thank you note.
Actually, you should thank your interviewer in person at the end of the meeting, and then in a written thank you note sent the next day. This lets them know you appreciated his or her time, and reinforces the feeling of goodwill between you.

That's the essential list, but personal experiences are always the gems in the Richmond Proper tiara. This is where we could use your help, interviewers. What are the things that have made candidates stand out or fail immediately? Comment below.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On letters of commendation

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 16:00:28 +0000

Why is it that we're so quick to complain and so slow to compliment? The axiom "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" seems to give us permission to air our grievances at the slightest disappointment, yet we rarely air our joy when the system works well.

There are plenty of complaint-worthy scenarios during the average day, and many people believe that things won't improve unless they speak up. Speaking up can be even better, though, when focused on the positive. As Peggy Post writes, "You can do your part to make things better by commending people who are particularly courteous and helpful. If a parking attendant charged your dead battery or a sales clerk went the extra mile to track down and order an out-of-stock item for you, write an appreciative letter to his employer. It's been said that the courtesy bug is contagious, and a letter of praise or similar 'official' act may help it spread all the faster."

A short letter of commendation should be easy for anyone to write. It can be just a few sentences, about the same length as a standard thank-you note. Introduce yourself briefly, describe the good deed, and relate your heartfelt thanks. Here are some examples of deserving targets:

The server who always remembers your usual meal
The record store clerk who helped you find a rare album
The bartender who carefully cleaned up your broken cocktail glass
The flight attendant who went above and beyond to help a disabled passenger
The movie theater usher who removed the loud people before they ruined your movie

Promoting efficiency, kindness, and good etiquette sounds like an excellent task for my dear readers. Why not start by writing one letter of commendation this week, to someone in Richmond who went above and beyond for you? And while you're at it, share some of your positive experiences in the comments below.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On beach etiquette

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 10:00:06 +0000

If we had to to sum up beach etiquette in one phrase, that phrase would probably be "avoid spraying others with sand." But since we're in high beach season and many Richmonders are loading up their cars for the Outer Banks, we shall go into a little more detail.

Stake a place respectfully.
"We remind you that the beach is not Oklahoma Territory in the 1870's; if the beach is crowded, you may not attempt to spread your stuff out over as much space as possible. Conversely, if the beach is not crowded, you should leave a good distance between your blanket and that of your nearest neighbors," says etiquettegrrls.com. What's a "good distance?" Trent Armstrong (the Modern Manners Guy) puts it this way: "Many beaches are pretty big, which can allow you to keep a comfortable distance from others. And don't make this distance just what is comfortable for you. Put yourself in the other party's flip-flops and consider what they might think is a comfortable distance. Should you get to the beach a little later in the day and have missed the prime spots, do not just set up right in front of someone who planned well enough to get to the beach early for that top notch real estate. You should just plan better next time."

Don't feed the birds.
I know, I know. "Tuppence a bag!" Though feeding the birds is all well and good for a city square in Londontown, but it drives everyone crazy at the beach. "It may be exciting for your children, but seagulls are vulture-like birds at the beach. Feeding them will only keep them hovering. It is very important to keep your food covered and do not feed the seagulls. If you wish to feed birds, please wait until the nearest park or desired allowed place to do so," says Trent Armstrong.

Don't fling sand on people.
The quickest way to ruin the beach for everyone else is to spread sand everywhere you go. I call people who do this sandvangelists. Walking with flip-flops spraying sand everywhere, letting kids run to close to sunbathers, and shaking out sandy blankets will get you branded as the most notorious sandvangelist around.

Watch your volume.
Certainly the beach is not a library, but keeping it down to a dull roar makes it a more pleasant experience. Says Trent Armstrong: "For those of us trying to enjoy the peace and tranquility, it should be understood that folks get excited while at the beach and therefore will generate a little more noise than usual; however, you should always keep a check on your own sound levels to ensure they are not disturbing anyone else around."

Clean up after yourself.
"There is nothing more vile than to Settle In for a tranquil day on a gorgeous beach, only to find, as you dig your perfectly manicured toes into the sand, that you are sitting in a Veritable Garbage Pit.... Please bring a wee plastic bag with you and properly dispose of your refuse," reminds etiquettegrrls.com.

Obey safety advisories.
When lifeguards put red flags out to warn beach-goers of unsafe water conditions, don't swim. The lifeguards do not need to spend their time putting an end to your drunk attempts to show off, when they can be saving people who actually need saving. Yes, those warnings do apply to everyone.

Pay attention to local regulations.
Some beaches have their own particular etiquette guidelines. For example, some beaches allow nudity, and some beaches have rules against harvesting seashells. As always, venue is of the utmost importance.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On agreeing to disagree

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

"By keeping your cool, you're teaching by example, much as a parent does for a child. Good behavior is catching; the more you display it, the more it spreads. This doesn't mean becoming a doormat; it does mean you can defuse a situation without wrangling over who's right or wrong."
-- Peggy Post

"Whoever one is, and wherever one is, one is always in the wrong if one is rude."
-- Maurice Baring

Nothing thwarts the flow of human tolerance like disagreements. Often, disagreeing with someone on just one issue can be seen as justification for attacking that person.

We've all seen this kind of behavior in a variety of different venues. During a political debate, one politician rolls his eyes and shakes his head the whole time the other politician is talking. Instead of actually listening to his opponent and coming up with an intelligent response, he has turned his ears off completely and has a boilerplate response ready to regurgitate. In the meantime, his actions disrespect and belittle his opponent. When our leaders act ungentlemanly toward each other in front of the television cameras, it's no wonder we think it's okay to do the same.

But this isn't just a problem on the national stage; it's close to home as well. At a party, two women begin a heated argument about the "right" way to birth babies. In a college course on religions of the world, one student scoffs and calls another student names for defending his beliefs. On Facebook, a friend shares an opinion in a Wall post. Other friends comment on the post, saying things like "Ugh, we are not friends anymore. I had no idea you were like THAT," or "You are so ignorant. Here's why you're wrong..." Upon learning that a friend has different tastes and opinions from themselves, these small-time dictators immediately move that friend from the "friend" category to the "enemy" category. You know, since you can't respect someone who likes different things than you like, or believes differently from how you believe.

No matter how different we sometimes feel from each other, we have more in common than not. When we focus on our common interests and characteristics, the disagreements don't seem as important. Let's replace our aggressive, my-way-or-the-highway reactions to those disagreements with a new way of thinking. It's very simple, but since it seems to be such a hard concept to put into practice, I've even made a hilarious but helpful flow chart to make it easier!

So whether we're attacked in public, in a letter, on Facebook, or via whispering and gossip, the correct way to act is in kindness. Respond to an angry letter with "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I do hope you're doing well otherwise." Remove bombastic, argumentative hotheads from the list of people you share with via social networking. Ignore judgmental gossips and refuse to gossip yourself. As far as confrontations go, two of our favorite sources agree:

"If it happens in public, the answer is merely to walk on, and if it happens under social conditions, it is to refuse to discuss it."
-- Miss Manners

"If discussion can occur in a friendly and caring way, great. If it can't, then the answer is, 'Let's just agree to disagree on this one and not talk about it any more.'"
-- Emilypost.com

You can't always "win" a fight, but you control how you acted in that situation, and refuse to be a part of further rudeness. Think about the times that someone has changed your mind. Were most of those times yelling matches, or quiet conversations between good friends? "Far from squelching substantive discussion and debate, etiquette is what makes them possible," Miss Manners writes. "Without such rules, there are no exchanges of ideas, only exchanges of set positions and insults."

Readers, people do and should disagree. How you deal with each new disagreement is your choice. Are you a caveman who goes about cracking skulls, ruled by his gut reactions and unable to think beyond the mantra of "eat or be eaten?" Or are you an intelligent, modern human being who's able to forgo the short-term pain of holding his tongue in exchange for the long-term benefits of peace and free will? Your choice will speak for itself through the drama or the calmness that you bring into each room you enter.

Suggested reading: "How to Disagree Agreeably" from realsimple.com.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On swimming pool etiquette

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 10:00:51 +0000

'Tis the season to address the issue of swimming pool etiquette. For Richmond Proper veterans, this is nothing but revisiting the basics of self-awareness and consideration of others. Tragically though, not everyone was born knowing how to act at the pool. Here are a few pointers...

Observe the rules of personal space. Even in a crowded pool, you can manage to enjoy your dip without brushing up against everyone in sight.
Make sure you're clean before entering the pool, showering if necessary. Layers of bug spray or tanning oil washing off into the water can ruin the experience for others.
Tend to your child's safety. As written in The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette: "Teach your child to swim and to respect the water. Small children should always wear some kind of life preserver near any body of water. As your child grows more confident in the water, you can reduce the size of the life preserver, but better to err on safety's side." Also, consider the fact that if you're not paying attention to your child's safety, others will feel obligated to do it for you.
Keep pets out of the water unless specifically invited by the pool owner or host.
"One monitors the behavior of one's offensive dependents, keeping the dog from swimming at all, and the children from shouting or splashing," writes Judith Martin.
Obey lifeguards. It's their job to keep the peace, so don't make it more difficult for them.
Don't let your child run completely wild, if others are trying to relax. "At the pool or beach, don't let your child disturb others. This includes restraining him from screaming or running along the side of a pool (where it is very slippery)...an older child should be taught not to splash, dunk, jump, or dive on top of another swimmer," says The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette.

Now run along, and don't forget that city pools are free to Richmond residents.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

RVANews

Richmond Proper: On contagious laughter

Richmond Proper: A winter compendium

5 Ways to Combat Rudeness

A Modern Gentleman Should

Richmond Proper: To respond or not to respond, to warn or not to warn

Richmond Proper: On rebellion

Richmond Proper: Entertaining round-up

Richmond Proper: On vegan potlucking

Richmond Proper: On parental wedding gifts and feuding friends

Richmond Proper: On retail etiquette

Do Not

Do

Richmond Proper: The unruly parents of Carytown

“She didn’t mean to!”

“Thanks for stopping!”

Ask Richmond Proper: Engagement timing and a cat-fight

Richmond Proper: On visiting new parents

Bring food

Call/text/email ahead

Be on time

Make it about them, too

Wash your hands

Chip in

Keep it quick

Check back in

Richmond Proper: On admiring the tattoos of others

Richmond Proper: Propriety of a modern cyclist

A cyclist must obey all traffic laws, signs, lights and markings.

Always ride with the flow of traffic.

Riding on the sidewalk is OK

Cyclists must signal their intention to turn or stop.

Safety considerations:

Related

Richmond Proper: On condolences

Keep it simple.

Don't be presumptuous or condescending.

Keep the focus on the bereaved, not on yourself.

Avoid bombarding them with questions.

Smile.

Richmond Proper: LOLcat edition

The good kittehs.

And the bad kittehs.

Richmond Proper: On trolls

Don't be a troll.

Don't acknowledge a troll.

Richmond Proper: On courtesy to one’s own family

Richmond Proper: On street harrassment

Richmond Proper: On Negative Nancys

Take stock of subjects.

Listen to yourself.

Gain some perspective.

Take comfort.

Disarm her with a compliment.

Don't argue.

Change the subject.

Excuse yourself.

Richmond Proper: On not being THAT GUY at the New Year’s Eve party

Plan ahead.

Eat a big dinner.

Dress appropriately.

Be a good guest.

Limit your intake.

Ask your host what you can do to help.

Stick to the plan.

Richmond Proper: On office kitchens

Ask Richmond Proper: On greedy guests

Ask Richmond Proper: On polite rejection in the online dating scene

Richmond Proper: Local history!

Richmond Proper: On compliments

Richmond Proper: On job interview etiquette

Richmond Proper: On letters of commendation

Richmond Proper: On beach etiquette

Richmond Proper: On agreeing to disagree

Richmond Proper: On swimming pool etiquette