Jack’s St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl

As a veteran of a whopping three St. Patrick’s Days in Richmond and a self-proclaimed “bar and social critic,” I felt like I would take it upon myself to give the readers of RVANews some pointers and suggestions for attacking St. Patty’s and getting the most out of your day… most of which you probably won’t remember.

March 15, 2009; 9:47 PM • by Jack Lauterback

Upon rising for the day I recommend watching the opening scenes to the crime thriller classic, Boondock Saints. While trying to emulate Connor and Murphy McManus is not recommended, try and draw inspiration from their reckless abandonment of societal rules – this inspiration will serve you well later on in the day. Another tip to take from the opening scenes: Don’t enter an Irish bar, in South Boston, on St. Patty’s, if you aren’t friendly with the Irish Patrons or you are a Russian mobster. I can’t stress this enough; your day will not end well.

Make a plan of attack including transportation methods. The cops are out in full force and I already know of 48* DUI checkpoints that day. Almost everyone and their mother knows not to drive on St. Patty’s, but lucky for the cops and their quotas, Richmond is full of drunken morons, and there will be many, many, many people being put in the clink. Here’s a toast to sleeping in the back seat of your car, or at some girl’s place after you buy her 8 Irish Car Bombs at Siné.

What to drink? DON’T DRINK green beer. Who likes to drink Miller Lite with green food coloring in it? Sorority girls, that’s who, and even though sorority girls (drunken ones) are awesome, don’t let them determine your choice of beverage. DO DRINK Guiness, Harp, and Smithwicks. DO DRINK Jameson, Bushmills, Middletons, Kilbeggan, Tullamore Dew, and Michael Collins. Hell, I’ll even give the green light to drinking some Baileys Irish Cream (as long as it’s mixed with Jameson and then dropped into a half-pint of Guinness).

“Jack Approved” places to go in Richmond for St. Patrick’s Day:

McCormacks

Authentic Irish e’erthing, right down to the owner and his mohawk. You tend to get more people looking to celebrate Ireland and Irish music (especially the Punk variety), and less of the drunken masses that you will find at my next place….

Siné

Okay so everyone and their mother comes here. In fact, I think I saw my mom in the mile-long line last time (I laughed at her from the window and kept drinking). If you can deal with the obnoxious crowd, Sine is a blast on the big day. They have about 15 bars set up throughout, and I can verify that the bar staff will be attentive and on point, mostly because after St Pat’s Day they can probably all go put a down payment on a new condo. Good place for single, slightly beer-bloated young ladies on the big day who would probably go home with anyone who asks (I’m not even remotely joking about that).

Rosie Connolly’s

You won’t be able to get in because of the size of the joint, but if you do, count yourself lucky. That is an Irish bar where one can be proud to pound 11 shots of Bushies (Bushmills) and then vomit on the floor while in a fist fight with one of the bouncers.

O’Tooles

I gotta rep the Southside here. They do it up right with tents and a bunch of other Irish shit. I was there once on St. Pat’s, but I can’t recall much so I won’t make up anything about it. If you live near Forest Hill or somewhere on the South Sizzle, this is worth a look.

Bailey’s Pub

(Southside or West End). Yes, it’s a chain sports bar that masquerades as an Irish bar because of it’s name, but seriously, Bailey’s rocks. If I don’t get falling down drunk on Bailey’s Southside at least once every few weeks, then, well, wait, I always get falling down drunk at Baileys. Overlook the sky-high prices and check it out.

Shamrock the Block

The yearly festival**, fight night, and vomitorium held on 17th street between Grace and Main. Bands, booze, and a throng of crazy people. If you can withstand dodging a few fights and dealing with shoulder to shoulder masses, then this is a fun party. One piece of advice: Get the hell out of there before 5 or 6 pm. It reminded me of my last tour in Bosnia at that hour.

In conclusion, St.Patrick’s Day is basically amateur drinking day number two behind New Year’s, and you would be foolish to get your hopes up too high. Attempt to drink in moderation until at least 11 AM and be careful on the roads. Stay with groups of friends and be Irish for one day. Or if you already are Irish (my apologies to you), be even more Irish for the day. Also be sure to wear green, as the titty-twisters and snake-biters will be out in full force. I learned this the hard way one year.

*I made that number up.
**Don’t forget, Shamrock the Block has been rescheduled for March 28th. Go here for more information.