Robot Hearts: His Best Friend’s Girl and Her Deadbeat Valentine

Jack Goes Forth answers your relationship questions??? Come, experience the spectacle.

November 20, 2008; 8:47 AM • by Jack Lauterback

RVANews’s grand inaugural presentation of Robot Hearts will now officially commence! This has been a project a very long few weeks in the making. It required thought, feelings, and the sharing of not only Google docs but beers. Originally we’d planned that Jack (of Jack Goes Forth, the blogging bartender that everyone loves/hates to hate/love.) would provide our insensitive, caveman, dudical point of view. But lo, we underestimated Susan’s utter lack of sentimentality. One thing’s for certain, nobody agrees very much.

Go ahead! Submit your questions to info@rvanews.com. We promise, promise, promise we won’t tell a soul.

Question the First

My friend “Jeff” has a seriously hot girlfriend, “Belinda.” Not only is she hot, but she is also cool, friendly, the works. Lately we have progressed beyond some mild flirting into some one on one hangouts that are loaded with sexual tension. I’ve known Jeff for a long time, but we’re not that close, so I keep thinking it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if I stole her away. Only problem is, she’s not really making that final move and sealing the deal. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo, and it’s driving me crazy…in various ways. Is there something I can do to speed this process along without ruining my chances?

–Making the Right Moves (Oregon Hill)

Susan: I’m sure she is just the bee’s knees, but even the best of us are sometimes unable to quell the temptation to encourage attention from sources outside the relationship. What I mean is, if she wanted you to be her boyfriend, you would most likely be her boyfriend. Chances are, you are providing a service, and that service is ego stroking. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, necessarily, as long as you’re not pining away for her. A little flirting can be awesome. So I think you need to evaluate your feelings for her on three levels, let’s call them “head,” “heart,” and uh “hormones.” If you rate your feelings for her in these three categories, I feel like you’d be better able to establish what you want from this. Namely, if the “heart” component is in there, that requires some action. But if it’s “I just like hanging out with her [head] and think about her in inappropriate ways 100% of the time [hormones].”

Here’s a test. Think about if someone told you “Hey, Belinda just got engaged to Jeff and they are sooooo happy!” Does your stomach hurt? Do you feel like you will never eat again? In that case, you’ve got heart, bad, and you should possibly express those feelings, but I am almost completely positive that nothing will come of it other than a destroyed friendship. If your stomach doesn’t hurt, you’re golden. What you have is what she wants you to have, i.e. a steady, flattering attraction that will stroke her ego. It’s up to you how comfortable you are with that.

Jack: This reminds me of that time I was 12 and this kid in my neighborhood got Nintendo 64. I wanted the Nintendo 64 game console but instead I got a lame mountain bike. I was jealous, frustrated, a little confused (similar to that “incident” in college with one of my frat brothers…wait, never mind), really I shared all of the same emotions you’re currently feeling, Right Moves. So what did I do??? I went over to the kids house, secretly put bleach in his chocolate milk and then stole the Nintendo while he was rushed to the hospital. What does this tell you other than the fact that I had serious emotional issues as a young boy? It tells you that life isn’t fair and if this Jeff character who you’ve known for a “long time” can’t control his girl and you see a window of opportunity, then you should take that shit. If you really do have feelings for Belinda and more than just the feeling of petrification in your groin, then I think you have to vocalize it. Just man up, be confident, look her in the eye and lay a big fat kiss on her. You risk getting rejected and you risk getting your ass kicked by Jeff but without risk there would be no reward, or in your case, there would be no vajayjay.

By the by, do you really think it’s smart to have real feelings for a girl who would go around flirting and (possibly) cheating on her boyfriend? I mean, I personally think it’s smart because every girl I’ve ever been with has been a scandalous ho-monster, but you seem like a smart, sensitive guy, Right Moves. Is she the type you want to catch feelings for? Try giving her your little “right moves” and see what happens. Oh and Susan, what’s with this stomach hurting BS? Is this a medical column for little sissy girls and the little girly men who love them? Someone should have told me that before I signed up for this.

Susan: Oh please, didn’t you just blog about how some girl drew you a picture and it made you sad or something? Don’t try to pretend like you don’t have a feeling every once in awhile. I’m just saying, if Right Moves is really like “into” this chick, that’s a different story than if he just wants to bang her. Oh, woops, maybe you didn’t know there was a difference. Oh, this is awkward. I’m sorry, Jack. Bottom line is (and maybe you don’t know this either): girls are pretty aware of what they’re doing in these situations. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a, what did you call her, “scandalous ho-monster,” but it does mean that she is probably not in love with him.

Question the Second

I’m a 23 year old girl and I’ve been seeing this guy casually for about 3 months. He’s 28 years old, funny, smart and a blast to be around. He treats me well and most importantly, he makes me laugh my face off. The problem is, he lives at home with his mom and aunt, he works as a waiter at a high end steak house and he has absolutely no ambition to do, well, much of anything. I don’t understand because he has a college degree and he’s so incredibly bright. I work as an analyst at a bank downtown while he lays on the couch all day.

I’m tired of him never having money and I’m tired of not being able to stay at “his place” (if you can call it that). I really like him but he’s a loser and I don’t know if he even cares. Should any of this matter? Can a relationship work and grow if two people want opposite things in life? What should I do?

–Dating A Lazy Ass (Church Hill)

Jack: Wow the first Robot Hearts column and somebody already wrote a letter about me! I kid I kid, but seriously this is a good question because I’ve been in similar shoes as your lazy guy. First off, I don’t think direct confrontation (as in, actually being straightforward and telling him all this) will work. We anti-Nine-to-Fivers tend to bristle up when people criticize our lifestyle. We know we’re lazy and we get reminded of it every Tuesday at lunch by all of the people walking around in suits while we sit in Chipotle in nothing but sweat pants and a burrito-stained wife beater. So talking to him directly about your gripes is a bad idea. I’m assuming that his Mom and Aunt chip away at his ego as it is, so he probably doesn’t want to hear your shit.

I think you take a more indirect course of action here. Embarrassment will sometimes tend to spur the complacent into action. Take him out with your friends (if you have any) who are dating successful guys and then get the successful guy to drop subtle, piercing remarks about your lazy guys lack of a life. Make sure the “successful guy” is super good-looking and witty, and not some shmo. Next, go to a nice, somewhat expensive dinner with promises to “treat”, and then mysteriously leave your purse at home. Make sure he squirms as the check comes, then have the successful guy or your girlfriend pay for you and your lazy man. (Just in case you may want to have a few extra dollars tucked into your sock, lest you like cleaning dishes.) By this point your man should feel properly emasculated, and he will either jump into improving his life or he will enter a spiral of depression and booze that will eventually result in his demise. Either way, your problem is solved!

Susan will probably come up with some new age “feeling” BS involving a herbal tea intervention with puppy dogs and ice cream where you actually air your concerns, but don’t listen to her. Direct action (in this particular instance) doesn’t really work. If it did I would be sleeping with so many girls I wouldn’t even have the time (5 min) to write this column.

Susan: I’m actually really surprised by your “give it the ol’ college try” attitude. In a way I think it’s kind of cute that both of you are ignoring a major factor here, which is that I would be really surprised if Dating a Lazy Ass would still be into her lazy ass dude if he cleaned up his act and went legit. She’s probably into him because he’s such a lowlife, desperately looking for signs that he’s changing his ways, signs that stroke her ego into thinking “Yes! I am the one! I am the one they all change for!” This scenario is so basic, Jack, that I can’t believe you aren’t recognizing it as the reason girls have anything to do with you at all.

My advice for DALA is to accept what you do and do not want, and be honest about it. Then, go find a person who is that thing already. I hate to be a downer but…do people really change all that much?

Jack: Damn, I hate to say it, but Susan is somewhat right. You probably wouldn’t like this guy if he had a semblance of a life. I’d say embrace the sloth and his unwillingness to change, and then go out and buy him new clothes, and a vacation and some other cool stuff (like drugs). Us lazy guys are all looking for the next sugar momma… He’ll realize what life is all about and eventually he’ll become an adult (my Mom keeps telling me). The question is, is he awesome enough to wait for?