RVANews

Best sledding in RVA

Tess Shebaylo — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 11:55:53 +0000

Original -- December 26, 2010

No one loves sledding like I do. I don't mean to say that I'm the best sledder, or that I have the most high-tech sledding equipment (believe me, it's out there). I just mean that I'm the person who's up at 7:30am on snowy mornings trying to prod my roommates out of bed because we're Going Sledding! There's just something about that feeling of hurtling downhill into an uncertain snowbank, hair whipping in the wind and snowflakes sticking to her eyelashes, that makes a girl's heart sing. No snow day is complete without it.

To be absolutely prepared in case of a snowstorm (!!!), I've put together a list of some of Richmond's favorite sledding spots.

Oregon Hill Overlook (Oregon Hill)

At S. Laurel Street and Oregon Hill Parkway

At the southern edge of the neighborhood along Oregon Hill Parkway, the ground drops off steeply toward the river below. The hill is not a very long one, but makes for a quick and exciting ride. Very small children probably won't enjoy it as much as the grown-ups, though.

Bonus killer view: Of the snowy river and Downtown.

Virginia War Memorial (Monroe Ward)

Between Belvidere Street and S. 2nd Street

Easily accessible on foot from VCU and appropriate for sledders of all ages, this hill slopes gently and goes on forever. You can also take a break and pay homage at the memorial itself, if the snow is still pouring.

Bonus killer view: Of Richmond from the west.

Powhatan Hill Park (Fulton Hill)

Between Williamsburg Road and Goddin Street

With a long, even slope and plenty of room to stop, even the iciest of sled rides would delight here.

Bonus killer view: Of Richmond from the east.
Video: Sledding Down Fulton Hill, Richmond

Libby Hill Park (Church Hill)

At N. 29th Street and Libby Terrace

This tiered hill is the amusement park of sledding, offering the fastest speeds in town. But some care must be taken to put on the brakes before you sled off the edge of the earth.

Bonus killer view: Of Richmond from the east.
Video: Sarah's Sledding Wipeout

Forest Hill Park (Forest Hill)

At Forest Hill Avenue and W. 41st Street

Families, cameras, and snow ramps abound in this spacious park just south of the river. There are areas for both the tiniest and the bravest of sledders alike.

Video: Sledding in Forest Hill Park

This list was made from personal experience and from the highly-scientific method of, you know, asking around. We know there are plenty more and we want to hear your favorite sledding spot, so comment below!

(Image courtesy of Matthew McDonald)

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Richmond Proper: On contagious laughter

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 11:39:03 +0000

As you may have gathered from the very first edition of Richmond Proper, I have no formal etiquette training to speak of. In fact, I became particularly interested in etiquette because of how foreign it was to me when I cracked open my first Emily Post volume about six years ago. I went to look up something specific and ended up engrossed in the text, peeling back the layers of etiquette mystery with a sense of wonder.

Some situations have come up recently which have made me feel like a novice again, in a good way -- with all the intense curiosity of a n00b. While sitting in quiet places like church or a nearly-empty restaurant, something or other (a noise, a joke, a mistake of some sort) has provoked me to laugh. And I don't mean just a short guffaw or a giggle, I mean a prolonged, shoulder-shaking, breath-stealing fit. Others were involved, and the laughter spread. I tried with every ounce of will within me to stop laughing, with pathetic results. The laughter just petered out very gradually, after what seemed like an eternity of mixed mirth and humiliation.

I call this "the church effect," because everything seems to be a million percent more hilarious when you're not supposed to be laughing. And the worst part is that there is always at least one other person held captive with you. If you can avoid making eye contact with this person once the madness has started, that's a tiny victory because seeing his or her red, contorted face trying to hold in the laughter just makes you crack up more. Even if you do manage to turn away, every time you think you're getting it under control, you hear all the wriggling and gasping for breath next to you, and it's a bucket of LOLs all over again. Then, you draw even more people into the vortex because the sight of two people trying really hard to stop laughing is…well, funny.

That "I Love to Laugh" scene in Mary Poppins is apparently not all that far-fetched, which is probably why it resonated with us even as small children. Why do you sympathize with the gentleman who inconveniences everyone with his uncontrollable laughter? Because you can't help laughing any more than he can.

Just thinking about this topic makes the corners of my mouth turn up while I'm sitting here alone, typing. But I was none too pleased with my conduct, especially regarding this one instance where it was incredibly rude and disrespectful for me to be even smiling, let alone bursting with glee. A solemn countenance was the only appropriate facial expression for the moment, and I blew it.

Like the rest of my Type A brothers and sisters, I do not enjoy adding something else to the list of Things I Have No Control Over. Frankly, it's downright terrifying. And this is the ultimate etiquette conundrum, because once you're in its throes, there is absolutely no way you can make yourself stop.

It's not a matter of making excuses or not trying hard enough. Laughter, it seems, is too primal and involuntary a behavior for you to squash. Its meaning is the same in all cultures, where the meanings for almost everything else diverge. Even the deaf-blind, who cannot hear or see laughter, will reportedly laugh heartily. In a 1996 scholarly article that appeared in American Scientist, Robert R. Provine called this "evidence of a strong maturational and genetic basis." The same article mentions the following episode:

Consider the bizarre events of the 1962 outbreak of contagious laughter in Tanganyika. What began as an isolated fit of laughter (and sometimes crying) in a group of 12- to 18-year-old schoolgirls rapidly rose to epidemic proportions. Contagious laughter propagated from one individual to the next, eventually infecting adjacent communities. The epidemic was so severe that it required the closing of schools. It lasted for six months.

I can't even wrap my head around this. It sounds more like a scene from the usual weird-for-the-sake-of-being-weird David Lynch than real life. We humans are trapped in our own surreality. And we can be destroyed, like Luke Skywalker in the training cave, only by what's already in our gut, living deep inside of us.

Before we get too abstract, there are some practical applications for our newfound fear knowledge of contagious laughter. You can try not to get yourself into these situations in the first place by avoiding sitting next to someone who routinely gets you giggling. Be calm and think calm thoughts when you're in a quiet place. During the split second between whatever it is that makes you start laughing and the moment where your gaze meets the other person's, look away from them. Don't even let that first knowing glance occur. But let's face it, even these measures won't ensure a giggle-free time.

Once the laughing has commenced, the only things that have helped curb it for me have been (1) trying to turn my thoughts forcibly to something really sad, and (2) biting my tongue quite hard until all I can think about is the fact that my tongue hurts. Of course even if I do corral myself, my work is completely undone if the other person / people are still losing it. Perhaps, with such an involuntary foe as laughter, it is enough for people to see that I'm trying -- really, I am! -- to stop.

So, it's clear that we can't control laughter. Maybe it's the great equalizer in that respect. And it's a good opportunity for us to learn and apply grace, giving others who can't stop laughing a break, and giving ourselves a break when it happens to us. The best thing to do is to be thankful it doesn't happen more often at inappropriate times, and to enjoy it when it is appropriate -- which, luckily, is most of the time.

Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr, email tess@rvanews.com, or use the form below.

Richmond Proper: A winter compendium

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 15:55:45 +0000

It's been another banner year here at Richmond Proper. We've examined everything from street harassment, to proper condolences, to cycling, to parenting during these past twelve months. Let's wrap it up with a year-end collection of etiquette thoughts from seasoned professionals and tween bloggers alike. Happy holidays and keep it kind in 2012.

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madebymordecai.tumblr.com

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Whenever two people come together and their actions affect one another you have etiquette.
Emily Post

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magdvn.tumblr.com

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I was raised to consider manners one of the most important things anyone can possess. It doesn’t take much to hold a door open for someone or say hi with a smile on your face and you never know if something like that will turn someone’s entire day around.
talktoblaineanderson.tumblr.com

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readymind.tumblr.com

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If someone is speaking and you interrupt them, you are automatically making whatever they had to say unimportant. Get some manners man.
lyliibird.tumblr.com

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hickorynines.tumblr.com

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5 Ways to Combat Rudeness
Don’t take it personally. Perhaps the offender is having a bad day.
Size up your annoyances. Is it worth it to make a fuss over something small, or is it a waste of your emotional time?
Set a good example. Rudeness begets rudeness. If you speak sharply to the bank teller, don’t be surprised if you get the same treatment in return.
Count to ten. When someone’s behavior makes you angry, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself, “Is it really worth blowing my stack over this?”
Laugh it off. If you can’t come up with a friendly joke, just chuckle and change the subject.
emilypost.com

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thedappercadaver.tumblr.com

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Being nice to someone you don’t like isn’t called being fake, it’s called being mature.
itllbe--alright.tumblr.com

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touchoftea.tumblr.com

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A Modern Gentleman Should
Stay away from the big three polite conversation taboo subjects:
Politics
Religion
Money
If you are in a group comprised of people you aren’t very familiar or comfortable with then these subjects are going to be the sure fire way to offend someone. They are very personal subjects and often the exact way you feel on one or more of these subjects isn’t going to be adequately expressed to your audience. It is my suggestion that you find conversation topics on sturdier ground.
Remember this at that holiday party.
thesoutherngentlemen.tumblr.com

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Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr, by email tess@rvanews.com, or using the form below.

Richmond Proper: To respond or not to respond, to warn or not to warn

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:00:08 +0000

Are tensions running high in the Richmond dating scene? I've been getting a lot of questions about relationships lately. It makes sense; nobody wants to be the bad guy in a relationship, especially around the holidays. Read on for your advice fix on both the simple and heavy ends of the spectrum.

An anonymous reader asks,

What do I do if I know my friend's girlfriend is cheating on him? Do I tell him about it, or just not get involved?

The short answer, as usual, is "it depends."

It's almost never a good idea to be the messenger of terrible news. At best, you're forever associated with tragedy in your friend's eyes, and at worst, your friend turns on you and begins to identify you as the enemy. The bottom line is that something wicked is going on, and the fallout will not be pretty.

So when you somehow become aware that a friend's girlfriend is cheating on him, you should first ask yourself how close of a friend he is. Is this just an acquaintance, or someone you're friendly with but can't consider a confidant? Then you should leave it alone. You don't know this guy or his girlfriend well enough to elect yourself as the Scales of Justice in their lives. Perhaps it's a fleeting dalliance--a momentary blip, and a terrifying mistake that the girlfriend will later thank her lucky stars that she didn't allow to continue. One can only hope. And if it's something more, the tempest will probably reveal itself without your help. Don't worry about the possibility of her "getting away with it." If not now, at some point in her life she will likely agonize over it and punish herself much better than you ever could.

If this guy is a very close friend, you should consider telling him. I would say to tread softly and examine your motives carefully. Have you always disliked this girl? Are you super eager to tattle on her, just so you can say "Ha! I told you so!" Inappropriate. Go back to square one. You lose at the game of friendship. But just as you have a responsibility to warn your friend before things like drugs, eating disorders, or drunk driving snatch them from you, you'd want to warn them before they waste more weeks, months, or years with someone who treats their love like it's disposable. If this is your motivation, tell him. Your friend will be grateful to you at some point.

If the girlfriend knows that you know what's going on, you might want to approach her first. Simply say "I'm going to tell Bob if you don't confess it to him yourself within a week." This puts the onus on her, and gives her the grace to tell him in whatever manner she sees fit.

If that's not possible, then meet up with your friend privately and give him the bad news clearly and calmly. "Hey look, I'm not saying people can't change, but here are several examples of what's been going on between your girlfriend and so-and-so. I would hate to see you waste your time on that. I respect whatever you want to do with this information, and I just really wanted you to know what was up."

What happens next is a whole other story. Maybe I should do a column on how to treat a friend who's been through a recent catastrophic breakup.

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Our second question comes from Tumblr user katesloan:

If you go on a date with someone, & you don’t have a good time/don’t like them, is it okay to just stop returning their calls/texts, or are they owed a proper explanation?

I'm firmly in the "no" camp for this one.

You don't get to just slink into the darkness, leaving the other person to wonder about you and to slowly let the wave of rejection wash over them. If you're old enough to date, you're old enough to politely decline date #2. It's time for you to master the art of letting people down easy.

As Judith Martin puts it, "The ability to say no politely is an essential social skill. All that is really needed is the ability to repeat 'No, thank you,' interspersed with such small politenesses such as 'I'm so sorry' and 'You're kind to ask' and 'I wish you luck.'"

Never just ignore another human being's attempts to contact you. It's common courtesy to respond, whether it's an invitation to a stay at a Sandals all-inclusive resort or an invitation to jury duty. If you're not interested, that's fine! It's your right. But just say so. Ignoring the other person makes it seem like you're running away or avoiding rejecting them because you know it's wrong. If you aren't into them, you don't need to hide it. Politely tell them the truth. Thank them for the wonderful meal, coffee, or whatever, and then let them know that you didn't feel like there was much chemistry between the two of you, or that you don't seem to have much in common.

Then, if they continue to contact you, block them--there's no need to respond again. Especially don't respond to yell "QUIT CALLING ME!" Some people will take this as encouragement.

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Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr, by email tess@rvanews.com, or using the form below.

Richmond Proper: On rebellion

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:00:34 +0000

I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.
Thomas Jefferson

Know, first, who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly.
Epictetus

We all know that Richmond Proper adores order and exhorts her readers to live as peaceful an existence as possible. But this week, as a sort of rebellion perhaps, I'll address the subject of...rebellion. Tumblr user "gerlachness" writes:

I’m a good girl. I never went through a phase where I needlessly rebelled against my parents causing them distinct anxiety as I went out partying and smoking. I would never do something that would purposely harm my future. I plan, I’m organized, and unknowns scare me. So I clung to the safety of my parents’ orders and only questioned silently in my mind.
I am in need of rebellion. Last year I got a tattoo and almost relished in the thought that my parents would be upset. That they would lecture me about it. But, I was met with indifference. My dad couldn’t care less and my mom just sighed and accepted it. I could say that I was relieved, which I was in a way, but in the back of my mind I wasn’t satisfied.
I don’t know what I stand for so that need to change the world lays in embers in my soul. I feel the pain and the anger that builds from seeing wrong doing, but I really don’t have the resources to do anything about it.
So I’m left in a conundrum. What do I do to get my fill of rebellion? Take a trip that they don’t approve of to some place farther than my parents have ever taken me? Dye my hair, or part of it, some funky color? Get another tattoo that only I know about? What can I do?

This is a good set of questions, and it's a shame that most people don't ask them this bluntly and that instead we all wander around acting like we're not trying to rebel and like we're not seeking the attention of others. The short answer is that you should explore whatever justice projects, aesthetic changes, or road trips you feel like taking on and not be so worried about whose attention those pursuits will get.

I can relate to you on the good girl thing. My rebellions, if you can call them that, were of the most vanilla variety. And since I was super busy with music, sports, friends, and other hobbies, taking on additional, riskier enterprises seemed like way more trouble than it would be worth. Most dissipated people will tell you that drugs / smoking / extreme partying / bad manners are not as glamorous as they seem. I think you've chosen the right path thus far.

I would encourage you not to focus on appearances too much in your quest for a little rebellion. You must wear clothes, and you must do something or other with your hair, so by all means, express yourself and have fun with your looks. Put on what makes you feel comfortable and confident. But part of growing up is beginning to know yourself, so you'll want to make sure you aren't letting fashion statements dictate your personality. Don't dress a certain way--whatever way is deemed "rebellious" these days--and then fabricate the personality and interests to back that look up. Rather, use what freedom your budget allows to make your wardrobe reflect what already exists in your personality. A boilerplate "rebellious" look may just be a phase, but a look crafted in this manner can become your signature, your standby, and something to make the "what was I thinking" pang of regret almost non-existent as you grow older and your style naturally and gracefully changes.

I would also encourage you not to make it your mission in life to make your parents disapprove of you. In the future, I'm sure you will find all the disapproval you ever wanted, whether it be from a boss, a spouse, a neighbor, or a friend you thought was on your side. Relish the good relationships you have with those who love you and try to preserve them. Besides, it seems as though there are things you are more passionate about, so what would getting another tattoo or finding some other way to tick off your parents really accomplish?

I hope my advice has helped you. And though your purpose in life is more important than just setting out to ruffle some feathers, if you do end up inadvertently doing that along the way, I hope you are able to relish that as well.

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Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr or email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: Entertaining round-up

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 11:00:34 +0000

It happens every year: holiday events sneak up on us just as "how lovely, the leaves are changing!" leaves our mouths. In the midst of the chaos of scheduling, preparing, and executing these events, hosts become flustered and guests become overwhelmed. The holidays are in full swing now, so I thought it would be appropriate to do a round-up of previous entertaining-related columns here on Richmond Proper. Time to brush up before the hordes of visitors arrive!

On Being a Good Guest: "It’s tempting to think of the guest to host relationship as being one-sided: hosts do all the work, and then we as guests just show up. But socializing should be a two-sided activity where hosts see to our comfort and we respond with our company and respect. Punishing a host for his good intentions with bad behavior seems like an unnatural response, and yet so many hosts come away from events feeling used or having to deal with awkward situations. I like to think that this is the result of carelessness rather than cruelty, so assuming we all desire not to ruin the lives of our hosts, let’s set forth a few basic rules for being good guests." (read more)
On Being a Good Host: "The relationship of guest and host is a system of give-and-take, and when we consider a few simple rules we can help to eliminate the “me vs. them” feeling of dread that sometimes arises when hosting an event." (read more)
Setting the Table: "A simple, standardized set of tools seems like the most sensible way to set the table. Most of us will rarely (if ever) attend dinners that require what Miss Manners calls a “nightmare table setting,” with 40 different objects arranged around our plate that we are expected to know how to use. So instead we will focus on the basic table setting, which works for everything from a family dinner to a sit-down wedding feast." (read more)
On Family Manners: "As we roll deeper into holiday crunch time, we could probably all benefit from a brush-up on our family manners. Holiday gatherings can alternately be a time to remember all the things you love about your family, as well as all the reasons you don’t hang out with them often." (read more)
On Hoverers: "A particularly sensitive subject around the holidays is the phenomenon of hovering guests. These are not party-goers who literally levitate above the floor, but who follow their hostess around like a shadow while she tends to her duties. Recently I have had an alarming number of run-ins with this type of guest and have been completely clueless on how to gracefully extract myself from the situation." (read more)

As always, I'm available to answer your brand new etiquette questions as well, so don't be shy. Contact information is always at the bottom of the article, and I've always got my RP superhero costume stashed in a secret compartment in my purse, ready at a moment's notice.

Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr or email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On vegan potlucking

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 10:00:32 +0000

This installment's question certainly strikes me as particularly Richmond-relevant. Tumblr user Sofisopaipilla asked:

Ever since I became a vegan 3 years ago, I have been trying hard not to make it a hassle for others. I have been preparing all the food for any gathering I host and when I go out to dinner or to a party, I try to make do with what is there and not make it obvious that I’m “only eating salad.” I don’t want any meat or animal products in my home, but I would like to have a potluck type gathering. Is it out of the question, crass, rude, icky to ask people to bring a meat-free dish to share? I’m willing to make concessions for non-vegans who find it difficult to make a strict vegan dish.

Hey Sofisopaipilla! First off, heartfelt thanks are in order for remembering that your diet is your choice, and for not trying to make others feel guilty if indeed you do end up only eating salad. I agree that it just takes a few extra minutes to take a look at an invitation and plan ahead. Often my husband will just eat a little something before we leave the house if he believes he won’t find much vegetarian food wherever we’re going. But at the same time, it’s nice to go to parties where you can eat everything you see--minus the draperies.

Though not vegan myself, I sympathize with you since, here in Richmond, it seems like almost everyone has some kind of dietary restriction. I usually find myself (an omnivore) part of a small minority at a party full of vegetarians or what-have-yous. When hosting gatherings of my own, I try to keep those statistics in mind and offer some items other than salad, something that a mix of my omnivorous, veggie, vegan, and gluten-free friends can eat. But even within those groups are the people who have other specific allergies or who HATE tomatoes, or HATE onions, or whatever. It’s impossible to please everyone, but making a reasonable effort to be hospitable is the best you can do. It sounds like you’re going above and beyond in that arena.

As with any event you plan, coordinate, and host, remember that it’s your party. It’s absolutely not rude to have a vegan potluck! That would be like saying it’s rude to invite people to join a book club, on the off-chance that they might hate books. If anybody doesn’t want to come to a vegan potluck, they are fully capable of RSVP-ing "no." Please don’t feel like this will make you look rude in any way.

It’s likely that you’re frequently invited to events you’re not interested in attending, and while you might immediately RSVP “no,” you still appreciate that the host offered to include you.

I’m a big supporter of food-related parties of any kind, but I particularly love ones that allow me to try new and different cuisine while exercising the ol’ cooking muscle. And people know that though expertly-crisped vegan spanokopita will be gladly devoured, suddenly becoming a pro vegan chef isn’t a requirement. Tons of common food is already vegan or can be made vegan very easily with a quick substitution. And if somebody can’t manage to at least grab a bag of chips or a box of Tofutti Cuties to bring with them, they are likely just too busy to attend any kind of potluck at the moment.

You probably want to have a potluck for the same reasons everyone does--to share good food and good conversation with people you love. Take this opportunity to enjoy a bit of a natural filter in your probably-busy social life. If certain people only hang out with you when there’s a hearty serving of meat nearby, it’s possible that their motives are less than genuine. But anybody who just loves your conversation and being around you will be at your party, vegan dish in hand. Filtering complete.

Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr or email tess [at] rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On parental wedding gifts and feuding friends

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 10:00:43 +0000

As fall descends and party season ramps up, Richmond Proper seems to be accumulating more seekers of event-related advice.

I’m hosting a house party at a vacation destination this weekend and two of the four house guests are having drama with each other. Both people are loosely associated with one another with myself being the common denominator.
Person A says they love me enough to suck it up and deal with the other person for my benefit, and will try and have a good time regardless.
Person B says they won’t cause drama, (even though they always do), they don’t want to be around people who have a problem with them, and will only decline the invitation if I feel their presence would be unwelcome (which for 25% of the party guests they would be.)
Do I tell Person B not to come? Do I force an intervention before the weekend and see what happens? Do I be a total dick and issue the uninvitation?
Why does turning 30 feel like I’m turning 11 again?!

This is a tough one, and I sympathize with you. I’m not sure what drama occurred between Person A and Person B to make them feel uncomfortable, but it seems like the situation is almost enough to back you into a corner where rudeness is the only option. Don’t let it! That won’t help diffuse the tension.

Person A said that he or she will try to have a good time regardless of whether Person B shows up. And Person B said that he or she will come unless you tell them not to. Since neither of them is really forcing an ultimatum, I would not address the issue further. As the drama is between the two of them, and you’re still friends with both of them and want them both to celebrate with you, the responsibility is on them. Let them decide for themselves whether they would like to come or not. If they decide it would just be too awkward, there’s nothing wrong with respectfully RSVP-ing “no.” But if they do come, they must understand that they have elected to be there, that nobody’s twisting their arms, and that they must not spoil your party with squabbling.

I know you want your friends to come and to have an awesome time with you, but don’t feel pressured into solving this problem for them. They can’t force you to choose between them, and I think you’ve done right by inviting them both and showing them that your group of friends does not shatter when relations sour in some corner.

I just turned 30 recently as well, and I can agree that I’m glad to move farther away from the age of immaturity. I hope you have a wonderful 30th birthday, and that you don’t feel 11 for much longer!

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Am I expected to buy a wedding gift for my dad and step-mom?

Yes, you’ve got to get a wedding gift for your dad and stepmom. I completely understand that it’s difficult to shop for parents--any time they want something, they pretty much go out and get it. So the challenge here is to think of something they didn’t even know they wanted, and get them that. Whether it’s tickets to some cool local event or theater they didn’t know existed, or some gadget that would be super useful to them that they didn’t know existed, they’ll be appreciative of the thought you put into it. I’m sure they don’t expect you to spend a ton, so just make sure you find some way to honor them on their wedding day and let them know you care. Even if it’s just a card and maybe a framed photo of the three of you together, they will love it.

Another great gift you can give is to be helpful on their wedding day. Offer to take charge of some task that needs to get done, or to run emergency errands. The gift of your presence and an extra, dependable, set of hands can be a godsend on the day of their wedding.

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Need some advice or want to share your own etiquette-related story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr.

Richmond Proper: On retail etiquette

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 10:00:57 +0000

The following treatise on shopping etiquette was submitted by a local retail maven who kindly sacrificed some of her time to fighting the good fight. It's been a few million years since my own foray into working retail, but these tips send all those t-shirt-folding memories flooding back. Read it well, and then go spend all your money at local businesses.

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I prefer bad news first, so I'll start there.

Do Not

Do not arrive early or stay late. The smaller the business, the longer our individual days, and the shorter our breaks. As a general practice, I never bang on doors before a store opens, and I try to leave other stores at least 10 minutes before closing. Staying late shows that you assume employees do not have obligations after work and that their time is not as valuable as yours.
Do not ask about the security of the store. Even if you are a loyal regular, that is both worrisome and far too invasive. It's fine to ask if we recommend our security company if you notice the sign, but understand that we might not want to talk about it. Please, please don't ask how often we use the alarm, if we have a panic button, or if the security camera video records over itself after a certain amount of time. I am immediately creating a police sketch in my head at that point.
Do not assume someone is playing a riveting game of Angry Birds instead of working. I find that when my job requires the phone or computer (and, no, I'm not rudely ignoring anyone), customers go out of their way to interrupt me, often taking time away from an important task. I have received numerous complaints that employees were using their phones, however, store policies should be determined and enforced by the supervisor, not the customer.
Do not call yourself fat, scoff at a size larger than yours, or hold something up and say, "how many people does this fit?" Someone in the store might wear whatever size you are ridiculing, and I cannot put your foot in your mouth for you. You create an uncomfortable environment for someone else who may unconsciously associate that with the store. If you decide to try on a piece of clothing that is too small for your figure, be realistic when it offers some resistance. I once stood two feet from a woman trying on a shirt on the sales floor (see "Do #6," below) and watched it rip down the front. She asserted the that shirt was poorly made and absolutely refused to pay for it, almost knocking me over in her hurry to leave, as though I might tackle her for her wallet. There's nothing wrong with your body, and there's nothing wrong with whatever size you wear, just own what you've got and you'll look divine.
Do not use your phone when checking out. It takes approximately 30 seconds to two minutes to ring you up for a small amount of purchases, but I assure you it will take at least twice as long if we have to interrupt your conversation repeatedly. Or we might just wait patiently until you're finished gabbing. In fact, having a loud personal phone conversation anywhere in a store is not advisable.
Do not ask for a discount unless you have coupons or a discount code. Do not plead, do not tell me the nice things you have done for others today. Do not tell me how poor you are. And especially do not ask me to call the owner of the retail store to ask their permission to give you a discount for no reason.
Do not assume that retail is an inferior job or not a career; I cannot count the number of people who assume that I am either a student working a side job until I get a "real" job or that I have children and work "for fun." No one should have to qualify their position! What if their boss is nearby? Need I mention the economy?

Do

Practice preparedness. Check out the website, call the store, or just stop by and ask questions! If you're lost, we'd love to give you directions. No one gains a thing if you don't even make it to the store.
Clean up after yourself. If you try on clothes, leave them on hangers (right-side out) in the dressing room or on a rack designated for rejected clothes. It is a much more contained mess than shoving them on a random rack on the sales floor to be discovered later. Better yet, ask where they should go! Often, putting your own things back isn't as helpful as it seems.
Engage in polite conversation and make eye contact! We listened to your story about the dress you need for "that wedding for the crazy bride whose sister's boyfriend's dog's vet saw this really great movie..." and maybe we're in the process of recommending a movie that you would love based on that story. We may not have more than a split second for a chat, but when we say more than, "credit or debit?" it's ok to listen.
Hand us your form of payment. Tossing change or your card our way honestly makes me sad. Think about how it looks, you tossing something towards our patient, outstretched hand. The smallest forms of respect are often the most appreciated.
Understand that our jobs might require a certain customer approach. Some businesses require a certain greeting, counting your items before you try them on, following you around like a lost puppy, or jumping in the fitting room with you. We're doing our jobs! If we ask if you need any help, you're allowed to say no. Maybe we can back off, maybe we have to ask again later, but either way we appreciate kind words in response to our kind questions.
Do change inside the dressing rooms. I could write a book on how everyone should practice positive thinking about your own body, but stores are public places and if you find yourself in your undergarments, it's probably best to slip behind a curtain or door.
Do ask for our opinion, but be prepared for a little honesty. I personally try not to let people leave in things that truly do not flatter their body. Why not suck up to customers regardless? Because you will get home and look in the mirror, or someone else will say something, and your money will be wasted. If I say, "you look amazing, look what that shirt does for your shape," I want it to never be doubted as truth.
Insist that your children follow your lead, and then set an excellent example. For their benefit, do shop quickly with children who are not also accommodated by the store where you're shopping. I like when kids come into the store! They make cute faces and I love a chat about Pixar movies. I do not love to see them tearing clothes off of hangers, breaking things, or running their sweet little hands across every smudgeable surface. If your kids hate shopping and take away from your experience, do hire a babysitter or swap afternoons with another parent.

Need some advice or want to share your own harrowing Carytown story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr.

Richmond Proper: The unruly parents of Carytown

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 10:53:53 +0000

I don’t make it out to Carytown much anymore, being an East Ender now, but the last two times I was there I witnessed some pretty egregious etiquette blunders on the same block of Cary Street. You know the one — Cary Court, Can Can, Sweet Frog, etc.

“She didn’t mean to!”

My husband and I finally checked out Sweet Frog a few weeks ago, after hearing so much fuss about it. It’s no Verry Berry, but it’s still good. It was crowded, so when we walked in we got in line in front of the froyo flavors we wanted. When it was almost my turn to get some coconut, I noticed that there was a group of children mix-and-matching their flavors. Cute! But what’s not cute was that they were darting from machine to machine, in this crowded, busy shop, cutting in line however they pleased. A spurt of chocolate here, a spurt of mango there, without ever getting back into the line for each flavor. Other children and adults waited awkwardly, not sure when to step forward to the machines. The people I assume were the wild children’s parents looked on languidly.

Between episodes of those kids dancing back and forth between flavors, the guy in front of me managed to fill his cup, and it was my turn. As soon as I raised my cup, of course, a tiny arm shot out and grabbed the handle. I jumped back and looked at one of the parents. He caught my eye and then looked at the floor. Finally, when charming little McGimmeGimme was done, I was able to get some coconut.

By this time my husband had managed to make it to the toppings bar, and was lifting a spoon of sprinkles when one of the children came from behind him and squeezed between him and the bar in order to get in front of him. You read that right — he squeezed, with much pushing and jostling, through the space between my husband’s torso and the toppings bar he was in the middle of using.

I only had time to give him a weak smile of sympathy and notice that a nearby mom had been watching the whole episode before the next impossible thing happened. The little girl who had been next in line also pushed her way between my husband’s torso and the toppings bar. Grabbing the aerosol whipped cream as she moved, she sprayed it with abandon, the overspray landing on both my husband’s clothes and my own (I was two feet behind her, actively trying to stay out of the fray). Dumfounded, my husband turned and gaped at the mom, who stood there listlessly. When she saw his face, she yelled “She didn’t mean to!”

I ignored her and was able to calm him down just enough for us to pay and get out of the toppings bar crossfire, as the poor employee behind the counter scrambled to clean up the mess.

So that was our first and our last trip to that particular insane asylum.

Here’s the thing — of course she “didn’t mean to.” She’s a small child. She doesn’t mean to do lots of things. But she’s your responsibility to parent, to lead, and to set a good example for. When she sees that her behavior gets no reproach, why would she bother to change what she’s doing? She will continue to steamroll others in life, until it’s finally her that the behavior embarrasses and alienates, rather than just her mother. It’s a far graver punishment in the long run to be too lazy to correct her now.

This, of course, isn’t one of those “Why do people let children leave the house?!” posts. My husband and I both really love children and enjoy spending time with them, as many of our friends can attest. But an unhurried trip to get some frozen yogurt shouldn’t resemble a contact sport.

“Thanks for stopping!”

I was driving east on a very busy Cary Street. It was dinnertime on a Friday night. Traffic was thick, and had been crawling along, but finally picked up. My windows were down. I was in the right lane, with a large SUV to my left, and all the cars around me were trying to accelerate as best we could in such traffic.

Suddenly, a gentleman leading three small children by the hands stepped right out into traffic from in front of Can Can. Not even at a crosswalk, but rather, in the middle of the street — directly in front of the oncoming cars. I didn’t even see them when they first stepped out because the SUV blocked my view, but I jerked my head in that direction when the SUV slammed on its brakes. I had no time to stop. As I swerved and sailed past in the right-hand lane, narrowly missing this guy and the children, he yelled “Thanks for stopping!”

No, thank you. Thanks for dragging three little kids, the eldest of which couldn’t have been five yet, into the middle of Cary Street. Thanks for being entitled enough to expect all heavy pieces of metal hurtling toward you to stop an eighth of an inch before they hit you, like you’re Magneto. And thanks for teaching the children when and where to cross the street, and how to act toward others in civilization.

Even an adult pedestrian who cares not to die, who is standing at an intersection, and who has a green light, will double-check traffic before he or she steps into the street. But a guy with three small children, in the middle of the block, as cars are whizzing by steadily? I — I can’t even — I’m at a loss.

I’m terrified for those children, and I hope this guy doesn’t continue using them as pawns in his sick version of Frogger.

Speaking of frogs, I bet they were headed to Sweet Frog.

Need some advice or want to share your own harrowing Carytown story? Hit us up at Richmond Proper on Tumblr.

Ask Richmond Proper: Engagement timing and a cat-fight

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:30:09 +0000

Richmond Proper is back, my well-mannered ladies and gentlemen. And I wouldn't bother resuming the column without making an announcement for my beloved readers. Richmond Proper is now on Tumblr, available for the advice-seeking masses. In addition to having the advice booth open for business, I'd also love to hear any stories you have of etiquette nightmares or delights you've come across in recent months. So, I would be honored if you would visit the blog and share your story or advice needs. These next two Q&As were mined straight from the new Tumblr:

I'm wondering if it's weird to get engaged around the time your friends are getting married. Two of my closest friends are getting married this fall. I don't want to be stealing their thunder or anything, but then again, I don't want to wait much longer because I'd like to get married sometime next summer, and I know it takes a long time to plan stuff. What do you think? My boyfriend thinks we shouldn't wait because there will always be someone getting married and some reason to postpone it.

Your boyfriend is correct. Somebody will always be getting married, or making some big announcement or other. The crazy thing about living in Civilization with other human beings is that you have to live your lives concurrently, meaning that you can sometimes end up doing things at the same time.

It is never “weird” to get engaged at any time — well, maybe it would be a little weird to get engaged while at a funeral, vigil, or other sad event — this is a decision that’s completely up to you. Your boyfriend should officially propose as soon as he pleases. Today, even! But when it comes to announcing your engagement, have a little tact.

Good times to announce your engagement:

Today
Tomorrow
Thursday night
Monday morning
Next month
Next year

Bad times to announce your engagement:

At your friend’s bridal shower
At your friend’s bachelorette party
The night before your friend’s wedding
At the reception, in the midst of your Maid of Honor toast

The timing and manner of your engagement announcement also depends on how you plan to let people know. A Facebook post in ALL CAPS two days before your best friend’s wedding is not the way to go. At my wedding reception, however, a friend who lives out of town came up, hugged me, and told me he was engaged. I was delighted. He wasn’t looking for a lot of fanfare, he just wanted to tell me in person, and I’m so glad he had the opportunity to. If your friends aren’t delighted at your news too, they’re not your friends.

— ∮∮∮ —

My roommate and I are maybe a little tense because of our cat situation. My kitten loves to play with my roommate's seven-year-old cat. The older cat is not interested in the least. So she hisses and spits and it gets my roommate very upset. I see it as them playing and don't mind, but she yells at my kitten and it's just become a little weird.

I think the 'yelling at a kitten part' kind of says it all.

Kittens are bad. Bad, cute, evil, perfect, snuggly little demons that never listen to instructions and seem to be in all places at once and perennially seeking mischief. But kittens are not a new invention. Nay, I’d say they’ve probably always been that way. Since the dawn of time, kittens have been pestering older cats in their immediate vicinity. Usually what happens is that the older cat ignores the kitten until the kitten finally calms down a bit, and they can get along without too much conflict. They may even learn to love each other and be caught snuggling on the couch one day when you come home from work. Or sometimes the older cat will just have to swat at the kitten until he or she gets the idea that they shouldn’t bite other cats’ ears, and then they can settle into a livable hatred. Yes, I’m fairly certain this is the way that kitten / grown-up cat relations has been trending for the past millenium.

The older cat ought to be voicing his opinion — it’s normal and natural. But your roommate should just see it as part of the adjustment to having a new kitten in the house. Unless one of the cats is legitimately leaving bloody marks on the other, they shouldn’t need to be separated. They will get used to living together eventually.

So the question is, what do you do to relieve the tension? Let’s say you and your roommate are in the kitchen enjoying some tea and those little Swedish cookies that come fresh from Ikea, a cat scuffle occurs, and your roommate yells at your kitten. Laugh charmingly, as I’m sure you always do, and say “Ah, little MurderPaws is wilding-out again! But I think they’ll be best friends in no time. It usually seems to go that way. My friend Esmeralda’s cat was super bummed when she got a new kitten, but eventually they started to play and run around together, and now they’re inseparable. This stage is fun but I’m looking forward to MurderPaws calming down a little too as she gets older.”

Certainly your charming laugh, along with a calm presentation of the facts, will diffuse the situation.

If you try this a couple of times and she is still in hysterics over the kitten, say “What do you think we should do about it?” This will likely make her realize there’s almost nothing you can do about it, aside from letting the cats settle down over time. If necessary though, compromising with your roommate about the cats will be better than listening to screaming all the time or living in a weirdly tense state. Squirting the kitten with a water bottle whenever she pesters the older cat can be a good non-yelling option you can offer up.

All of this advice is contingent on the fact that you asked your roommate before obtaining said kitten. Right? RIGHT?! Just checking. I know how easy it is to find oneself acquiring cats all the time.

Have a question, need some advice, or want to share some etiquette-related experiences with Richmond Proper? Head to Tumblr and let us know.

Richmond Proper: Propriety of a modern cyclist

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 17 May 2011 15:55:24 +0000

Spring is here and as usual, Richmond is simply covered in bicycles. My friend and this week's guest columnist Ian Dunwiddie was born and raised in Richmond and might as well have a bicycle for the lower half of his body. Which qualifies him to deliver some long overdue cycling etiquette.

Learning to ride a bicycle is one of those childhood rites of passage that almost everyone goes through. Like so many other things, once you learn how, you never really forget the rudimentary principles. Nowadays, with rising gas prices and an ever increasing downtown population, it only makes sense that people look for alternative means of travel. Cycling is the logical choice.

So what are the rules of the game when you take a bike into the streets? In actuality, they are the same as if operating a motor vehicle. Here is a rundown of things cyclists should be aware of.

A cyclist must obey all traffic laws, signs, lights and markings.

It is totally feasible to be pulled over for speeding on a bicycle (personal experience) or get a ticket for running a red light (personal experience). These are not instances of bored policemen harassing cyclists. These are instances of safety violations.

Always ride with the flow of traffic.

Cyclists must ride their bikes as close to the side of the road as possible. In the Fan there is plenty of space between the white line and parked cars for cyclists to maneuver without having to worry about traffic. Keep your head up and watch the parked cars as much as anything else in front of you. You never know when someone is going to throw their driver door open without checking their mirror first. Also, no one likes that guy who rides his bike against traffic on Cherry St. It's dangerous and makes drivers do weird things. So don't be that person.

Riding on the sidewalk is OK

Rumors were going around for a while that it was illegal to ride a bike on sidewalks in the city. This isn't Brooklyn. If you must ride on the sidewalk then yield the right of way to pedestrians. That's all there is to it.

Cyclists must signal their intention to turn or stop.

Remember those hand signals you had to learn when taking driver's education? Yeah, the real dorky ones that just about everyone scoffs over. Well, cyclists are required to use those to alert motorists. Need a refresher? Form a 90 degree angle with your left elbow. Hand up means right turn. Hand down means stop. Hold your left hand straight out from your body to signal a left turn.

Safety considerations:

Wear a helmet. It's for your own good. For all the times you get chastised for not "looking cool" the one time you have a serious accident is when you'll be glad you were wearing a helmet. Helmet regulations vary depending on the county you live in. Wear one anyway.
Use front and rear lights. It's required between sunset and sunrise. This is a super easy way to make drivers aware of you that is well worth it.
Keep at least one hand on your handlebars at all times. It's really hard to brake when you're texting and drinking coffee and a student walks out in front of you.
Don't wear headphones in both ears. It makes it very difficult to hear traffic around you, which could be potentially dangerous.

The most important part of cycling in the city is to take a defensive approach to motorists and pedestrians. Don't test your mettle against automobiles. Don't buzz students as they walk out into the street oblivious to everything. Just enjoy your indirect exercise, infinite parking options and fuel savings. Visit VDOT for more information on bicycle laws in Virginia.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

VDOT's Laws for Bicycling
[Also, here's the only bit of Richmond City Code I could find about riding things on sidewalks. -- Ed] – City Code Sec. 102-157.1.a – "It shall be unlawful for a person to operate an electric personal assistive mobility device, a motorized skateboard or scooter, motor-driven cycle or electric power-assisted bicycle, as defined in Code of Virginia, § 46.2-100, on a sidewalk or in a crosswalk where such operation is prohibited and where signs indicating such prohibition are conspicuously posted in the general area."
A multimodal Pecha Kucha

Ask Richmond Proper: On celebrating Mother’s Day

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 03 May 2011 10:00:40 +0000

A reader writes:

Is it proper for dads to celebrate Mother's Day for the mothers of their own children? My dad dismisses this and refuses to wish my mom a happy Mother's Day, saying "She's not my mother." Which is ridiculous. Also, do you celebrate Mother's Day with your wife if she is expecting? Thanks for your thoughts on this.

First, I'm so glad you're asking for clarification on Mother's Day. It's a credit to your character that you're even thinking about these issues, and wondering how best to go about celebrating Mother's Day with your loved ones. It shows that you're attuned to the feelings of others, and frankly, that strikes me as going above and beyond. Insert long-winded lecture about "guys these days" here.

I absolutely sympathize with folks who are a little holiday-fatigued. Sometimes it seems like the idea of a holiday snowballs until you're expected to prepare for it for a solid four months, and recover from it for a month afterward. Thus, we spend most of our lives in preparation for some fest or another. Which can be either extremely pleasant or extremely unpleasant, depending on your outlook. Even Anna Jarvis, the woman who popularized Mother's Day in the US, was dismayed by how commercialized the holiday became.

That being said, her acknowledged goal was to make Mother's Day a day to honor all mothers. This could mean any mother or mother-like figure you can think of, including:

Your mother
Your grandmother(s)
Any other mother-like figure in your life (for example, if you were raised partly by wolves, this would be the time to honor your wolf-mother)
Your significant other, if she's a mother or a mother-to-be
Your friends and acquaintances who also happen to be mothers
The Queen Mother

So your father is in error when he refuses to acknowledge his wife as a mother, because she's just as much a mother as your grandma.

Of course, you can't throw a party for every single mother you've ever met, so it's up to you to decide who (besides your own mother) to focus on when Mother's Day rolls around. Keep in mind that honoring someone on Mother's Day doesn't necessarily mean showering her with gifts. It might be appropriate to give your pregnant wife a small gift first thing in the morning, call your grandmother around midmorning, orchestrate a family picnic for your mother in the afternoon, and hug your friends who are moms throughout the whole day.

Still there are mothers who would scoff at your picnic and who would expect very specific material gifts like a full bottle of tequila or cold, hard cash. To avoid confusion or last-minute panic, just ask. "Hey, what do you want to do for Mother's Day this year? Any particular items on your wish list I should know about?"

Now, go forth and honor some mothers.

Be sure to check out our Mother's Day gift guide for gift ideas, as well as this emilypost.com article on Mother's Day gifting etiquette.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Mother’s Day Guide to Etsy

Tess Shebaylo — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 15:19:12 +0000

Richmond pride is running high these days, and what better way to show it than to support local artisans? Here's our third annual (!!!) Mother's Day gift guide featuring mom-appropriate Richmond area goods.

For the foodie mom

Indulge the food-loving mom with some sweet treats this Mother's Day.

Lemon Cookie Balls and Mint Oreo Balls from The Sweet Shop

Cowboy Chai from Apropos

Cranberry Scone Mix from Queen of Puddings

For the decorating mom

For the mother who can't stop decorating and re-decorating. Ever.

Mother's Day Collector's Wall Plate from The White Rabbit Studio

Tea Cup Birdfeeder from Sacred Lotus Designs

Hand-Forged Iron Candlesticks from Vin Tin

For the entertaining mom

Give your favorite hostess some new tools for making her guests (you, often?) comfortable.

Fresh Lavender Napkin Set from Twiddle and Tweet

Music Napkin Rings from Riricreations

Sea Salt and Bay Rum Natural Soy Candle from Sydney Hale

Need more ideas? Check out our guides from 2009 and 2010.

Richmond Proper: On condolences

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 10:00:02 +0000

It was a funeral several years ago that first awakened my interest in etiquette. A close friend's mother died, and I found myself at a loss for words. Eager to show my support appropriately, I cracked open a borrowed, tattered copy of Emily Post's Etiquette and read what it had to say about consideration for bereaved friends. I ended up hunkering down and reading the whole book over the next couple of weeks, fascinated and newly aware of all the ways that etiquette touches daily routines as well as life-changing events.

Expressing sympathy for those who have just lost a loved one seems to challenge most of us at one time or another. Even people who are known to be well-spoken and confident in their speech can be utterly clumsy when it comes to condolences. Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind the next time you find yourself searching for the right words.

Keep it simple.

Resist the urge to eulogize, or to say the "perfect" thing to exude comfort and reassurance. That's not your job. Your job is to be there for your friend, so just saying the basics will suffice -- "I'm so sorry," "I love you, " and "Please let me know if there's anything I can do," are good places to start.

Don't be presumptuous or condescending.

Saying "Cheer up, she's in a better place" or "You must be so relieved she's no longer in pain" seems to be an attempt to brush off the bereaved person's right to mourn. Saying "Oh I'm sure she would have wanted you to move on and have fun, so you should come to this party with me" is bossy and ridiculous. As Judith Martin writes, "Putting sentiments in the mouths of others is always offensive, but Miss Manners finds it particularly so in the case of those who are not around to speak for themselves."

Keep the focus on the bereaved, not on yourself.

Going into details about your experience with this death is not appropriate. Don't start sentences that keep the attention on your noble grief, like "Oh, when I heard, I was sooo distraught," or "I was so shocked to hear about it, I just couldn't believe it!" Sharing a short, happy memory about the deceased is wonderful, but don't deliver a sermon canonizing him or her. Often people launch into long personal stories, as if to prove how well they knew them, or to somehow legitimize their presence at the funeral. Your bereaved friend is 100% aware of what a great loss this is, and why it's a great loss -- he probably can't get these thoughts of his head, actually. Don't make it even harder for him to get through his day.

Avoid bombarding them with questions.

The last thing a bereaved person needs is to be expected to have everything "all figured out" so that she can answer a million questions. Never say things like "Did he go peacefully?" or "What will you do, now that Bob's gone?" or "Have you thought of selling the house?" Your friend does not need to be cross-examined with painful questions, and she can decide when to start thinking about these questions for herself. Even "How are you holding up?" is a trick question. She doesn't want to answer "Pretty good" for fear of seeming like she's not sad enough or something, and she doesn't want to answer "Awful, this SUCKS and I've been crying for 16 hours in a row" for fear of being dramatic. Don't put her on the spot by even asking this question.

Smile.

Really, it's OKAY to smile when offering condolences. This is not the time to yuk it up heartily (maybe later, over beers, and reminiscences if the bereaved person wishes), but you also shouldn't greet your friend with a stony face. I think a lot of people want to make sure they seem sufficiently sad, so they try hard not to smile even in conversations where a smile would be appropriate. This bereaved friend probably really needs to see her friends' smiles and feel their warmth and eagerness to help. So if you are happy to see her, as you likely always are, give her a smile -- even if it's through tears.

All this being said, I think one of the reasons why this topic interests me particularly is because I've never lost a super close friend or an immediate family member. I would love to hear some more ideas from those of you who have. What did someone say that really brightened your day? What did someone say that ruined it? Comment away.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: LOLcat edition

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 10:00:27 +0000

Because we have a lot to learn about manners from teh kittehs. And because it seemed like the right time.

The good kittehs.

(source: URLesque)

(source: I Can Haz Cheezburger)

EMBED-Dainty Kitty right side up - Watch more free videos

(source: VideoSift)

(source: I Can Haz Cheezburger)

And the bad kittehs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UerEMVBFMto

(source: WannaSmile)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RZO7VC2Mbc

(source: YouTube)

(source: I Can Haz Cheezburger)

Richmond Proper: On trolls

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 10:00:58 +0000

troll (n.) a person who submits deliberately inflammatory articles to an internet discussion

-- World English Dictionary

The beauty of this giant penny dreadful called The Internet is that it allows everyone to express themselves freely. This is also its downfall.

The instant you feel like googling something, whether it be some news item you just heard about or a plot twist in a TV show you like, you're confronted with this issue. Everyone has an opinion, and a simple Google search requires that you wade through mountains of reactionary, useless posts and comments. Even the most seemingly uncontroversial topic in the world will be bathed in rants and vitriol.

Those folks who only offer rants and vitriol are known as "trolls." A troll is the person who consistently posts spiteful comments ranging from threats to nonsensical babbling just to fill up space. Just to bother. Just to provoke. Message boards, news sites, blogging sites, Twitter, and maybe even your Facebook feed are full of them. But the interesting part is that behind that cynical, hate-mongering beast is a real person, just sitting in the dark in their parents' basement with nothing better to do. Likely, these are human beings who would never confront others in public with such arrogance. In real life, they may even be some semblance of friendly.

A large part of the problem is anonymity, or at least perceived anonymity. "If you aren’t going to say something directly to someone’s face, then don’t use online as an opportunity to say it. It is this sense of bravery that people get when they are anonymous that gives the blogosphere a bad reputation," said Mena Trott, cofounder of Six Apart, in an article on Times Online.

The same thing that can make the internet so honest and candid at times can also encourage more vicious attacks. People who have trouble talking freely about their lives and feelings tend to do it more easily on blogs and social networking sites. Likewise, haters find it easier to hate when they don't think there are consequences involved.

But as Judith Martin observed, “We already know that anonymous letters are despicable. In etiquette, as well as in law, hiring a hit man to do the job does not relieve you of responsibility.”

Another part of what fuels the trolling phenomenon is convenience. It's so much easier to post a quick, mean comment than to have a long talk, or to write an organized and well-thought-out post. Jabs and snickers that wouldn't make it past a troll's lips in a real conversation are suddenly brought center-stage.

Yet even without anonymity or convenience, pretty atrocious levels of trolling are reached just for sheer jealousy's sake. The good old-fashioned desire to feel better about oneself by tearing someone else down; that strange misconception that there's a limited amount of wellbeing in the world and that you have to take it away from someone else in order to experience it yourself.

The first ever jailing of a troll this year in Britain emphasizes how tenacious some of these types can be. And though this is an extreme case, trolling is becoming ubiquitous on the internet. Celebrities expect these things and probably embrace them -- for no PR is bad PR, right? -- but to the rest of us, this kind of targeted harassment is also becoming familiar. I doubt there are many Richmond Proper readers who haven't been attacked by a troll in some manner during their online existences.

What follows are a few principles for dealing with this fact of internet life.

Don't be a troll.

The issue of trolling can be diffused in a very simple, playground sort of language. Yes, what your mother told you still applies: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Act civilized, or go live in the wilderness with the other animals (note: you cannot bring your laptop to the wilderness).

Do disagree, offer good discussion, and give constructive criticism on the internet. This is not trolling. Civil discourse is a wonderful thing ("civil" being the key word there).
Don't turn off your basic manners when you log in. If you wouldn't say what you're about to type to that person's face, don't say it period.
Think before you type. Really, truly think about what you're saying, how it will reflect upon you, and how it will make others feel.
Consider the necessity of your statement. Ask yourself if bodily harm or harm to your quality of life will occur if you "let this go." If not, let it go.
Give others the benefit of the doubt. Don't jump down someone else's virtual throat.
Remember that on the internet, nothing disappears. Take a moment to mull over how ridiculous you are making yourself, and how ridiculous you will remain. The McSweeney's series, Get to Know an Internet Commenter, will give you some perspective.

Don't acknowledge a troll.

Not giving trolls the attention they so desperately desire is your best bet when you encounter one.

Know the difference between someone who disagrees with you and a troll. Someone who disagrees with you may make a comment like "I think you may be wrong there, because in my experience, it's been more like such-and-such." A troll makes comments like "YOU ARE DUMB LIEK SHUT UP NOBODY CARES!"
If the trolling occurs on your own turf (blog, email, etc.), just delete it. Most blogging and email programs allow you to set up filters to rid yourself of comments from trolls, before you ever even see them.
Resist the urge to write back. As much as you want to rip open their flimsy, pointless statements and point out their own glaring flaws, don't do it. Once you're embroiled in the muck, they've brought you down to their level, which is what they aimed for with their inflammatory remarks.
Remember how important you must be in the eyes of the trolls. If they were truly uninterested, they wouldn't be filling up your comments -- they would be ignoring you. Their comments confirm their interest, despite whatever it is that they're saying. Congratulations, you're famous to someone.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On the St. Patrick’s Day pinch

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 11:00:19 +0000

Whether you just like celebrating any holiday that comes down the pike, or you truly want to show some Irish pride, there are plenty of good reasons for wearing green on St. Patrick's Day. Nationality really makes no difference -- St. Patrick himself was British -- and lots of folks with no known Irish heritage like to participate in the festivities. But one of those "festivities" has morphed into the perceived right to pinch people who are not wearing green, and Richmond Proper thinks this liberty has been taken a little too far.

The origins of this practice are a bit hazy. There seems to be some debate over whether it started with a few good-natured tales of mischievous leprechauns, or whether it's a defiant reference to the days when British rule was new in Ireland and wearing green could get you killed. Another theory is that pinching on St. Patrick's Day was invented by schoolchildren as just another excuse to terrorize each other.

The general rule here is to just not pinch other human beings, which seems like it would be a straightforward and agreed-upon tenet of civilization. Regardless of what day it is, the rule of Keeping One's Hands to Oneself still applies. We've talked about the sacredness of personal space before, and it's something that really resonates in our culture. Still, the rules of etiquette are often bent on purpose for holidays, and these temporary exceptions to the rules are what makes those days special. In case this sort of half-leniency confuses anyone, let's go over some examples in this the:

Pinch, if you dare:

Your significant other and your children, close family members, fellow members of your 3rd grade class, and very close friends (By "very close," I don't mean "friends who've accepted your Facebook friend request and totally commented on your status, like, twice." I mean "friends who know all your mannerisms by heart and can tell what you're thinking by just glancing at you").

Do NOT pinch:

Coworkers, acquaintances, people standing in line with you at the grocery store, random people on the street, and other peoples' children.

It's a bizarre concept, deciding whether to pinch others. One I never anticipated exploring in this column. But I'm glad we had this talk, guys.

And for those of you really gearing up for the more alcoholic part of St. Patrick's Day, you might want to take a little refresher course on how not to be THAT GUY at the party.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

The Smile Peddlers

Tess Shebaylo — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 23:47:48 +0000

A few local creatives have started SmileDials, a web-based service that allows you to send audio greetings to friends and family. More than just the latest in a string of tech startups to call Richmond home, SmileDials hints at the growing market for unique online services. Below, the guys at SmileDials patiently answer my questions about their new business.

What the heck is SmileDials?

Roger Yelvington: Imagine a greeting card -- but as a live phone call -- and you've got a SmileDial.

David Der: As a service, SmileDials is aimed to be light-hearted and fun. I think that all would define success for the company as putting our service in front of as many people who will find enjoyment in it as we can. My primary role in the project is the development of the software, from what the user sees on our site to having the system report a daily queue of calls that we will be making each day. SmileDials has been one of the most fun software systems that I have had the opportunity to develop. When someone has the chance to use their professional skills without any creative restrictions to work on a project that they are truly passionate about, it's pretty rare.

Kenny Shultz: Everything that a greeting card is: cute, kind, thoughtful - but now we add creative. It's a completely new way to send a sweet message to someone important to you.

How are people using it?

Roger: Our most popular greeting is the "Just Because." People love to send these calls as a random reminder to people in their lives that they're thinking about them. But birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are on the top of the list as well.

Kenny: Some of my favorites are the "I love you Mom / Grandma" calls -- you can just hear the smile all the way from the other side of the phone.

What was the inspiration for SmileDials?

Roger: AwesomenessReminders.com.

Kenny: Roger was sent an Awesomeness Reminder by a friend. They sent him a call every day for a month. It was fun at first, but 30 days of the same message gets old. We offer our members the ability to schedule calls whenever they want, to as many people as they choose. 10 SmileDials calls can be sent all to one person, or to 10 different people -- it's up to the customer. We also offer custom personalized messages that our call agents will say during the call. We'll even sing "Happy Birthday."

How did SmileDials come together? What are the roles of each guy?

Roger: Collaborative brainstorming from a base idea from each key role. Roger focuses on marketing and the customer experience, Kenny focuses on marketing, operations, and some technical aspects, and Dave is the programming guru. Really the whole team comes together collectively on what SmileDials is and how to get it there to deliver the best experience

David: SmileDials is what I hope will be the first of several projects that I take on with my partners Kenny and Roger. In my professional career, the greatest lesson I've learned is to surround yourself with people of talent and people that you respect. Kenny and Roger are two of the most driven and talented gentlemen that I know. It's been a real pleasure to partner with two very good friends in this way. Through the process, we have also tapped further into our circle of friends.

Franklin, aka "the voice" of SmileDials, we wanted to bring on board strictly so that he could be himself on the phone with our targets. He's one of the most socially graceful guys that I know and has a strong background in customer service. I think for all of us, he was a clear choice for our operations manager. To strengthen our dot com media presence, we knew that we had to be as visually captivating as we could. Within this vein, we spoke with West Grace Productions about producing some videos to engage our audience. They hit a home run with it, as we expected they would.

That's cool that you guys knew people who could produce a video for you. Any other supporters to mention?

Kenny: VCU Ram Nation has also recently been a huge supporter of SmileDials. They supported the Smile-For-Charity drive by donating ad-space on their website, which is pretty awesome of them to do because they get as many as 500,000 page views every month.

Tell me about some of the pitfalls / learning experiences you've gone through thus far with SmileDials.

Roger: We wanted to have one million customers in the first month, but we missed our mark.

David: Our struggle so far has been defining the service in such a way that it is easy to understand what we are offering. I think now that we have redefined SmileDials as more of a greeting card, we are closer. The original implementation was an anonymous phone call. My brother signed up to schedule calls with a few females with some flirtatious context in his calls. I think that's a really great way to use it, but it also has the potential to be off-putting for the person we are calling. It's very difficult to establish trust in a 25-second phone call. We are a small group and have the ability to adapt quickly. If we have new ideas or Franklin gives us some feedback from his experience with our customers, we can turn around changes to the service in just a few days or even hours (depending on how lazy or motivated I'm feeling). We all have full time jobs and try to keep something resembling an active social life, so SmileDials truly has been a side project for us. For me personally, it's been a lot of fun and I hope that we can get it to catch on for people. It really is fun to use!

How do you see the functionality of SmileDials expanding in the future?

Roger: Adding a 12 month calendar to expand greeting call scheduling, branching out our charity initiatives and streamlining our service even more. Also, employing stay-at-home moms to be our call agents.

Richmond Proper: On courtesy to one’s own family

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 11:00:05 +0000

"A myth exists that one of the pleasures of private life is the ability to drop manners and -- as people always put it when they assert the desire to be repulsive -- be themselves. On the contrary, that rapidly becomes one of its drawbacks....When the manners of personal respect disappear, and couples feel free to insult each other when they happen to harbor unflattering feelings, they get rapidly worse."
-- Judith Martin

“One face to the world, another at home makes for misery.”
-- Amy Vanderbilt

Ah, February. When the holidays and snow days have passed, and the novelty of the season has worn off, you're still stuck inside avoiding the icy wind. Each year you lift your head up from the December / January whirlwind and find yourself planted firmly in February, though it seems like winter should have stepped courteously aside for spring by now. While you're waiting for that first warm day when all of Richmond will inevitably turn out wearing pastels and skipping, you've got plenty of quality time to spend with your family.

As cabin fever sets in, it's important to think about the courtesy we show to our own families. Spouses, parents, children, and roommates are some of the most important people in our lives and often they are shown the least civility. I'm not sure who started this evil rumor, but good manners aren't meant to be saved for strangers. As Judith Martin observes, "The consequences of violating etiquette in ordinary life are more unpleasant than the effects of small technical errors on formal occasions."

A lot of people will use the excuse that they need to "let it all hang out" in order to enjoy being comfortable around their families. Nobody is expecting you to be this perfect little plastic-smiley robot family. You can be as open, vulnerable, and real with your family as you like without being crass and inconsiderate. I think EtiquetteHell.com summed it up perfectly with this comment:

Give all of us a break. We are so tired of rude, obnoxious tirades, tantrums and behavior semi-justified as being 'real.' It’s real alright. Really, really disgusting.

Over time, this kind of behavior reinforces the message that you don't think highly enough of them to show them your best side.

In truth, your family should be the group you want to show kindness and respect to, above any other group. These are the people you spend your life with. So stop talking over each other, glaring from across the room, and slamming doors. Stop texting at the dinner table, burping loudly between bites of pizza, and bickering about each other's faults.

Start enjoying your time together. Break out those bar books and finally try those cocktails you've been talking about. Start a serious Wii Boxing tournament. Go on long walks and reward yourselves with hot chocolate. Do one of those puzzles that features a picture of a covered bridge. Start a kite-flying society. Or whatever. The point is, cherish these people that you spend most of your life with, and give them the same respect and manners that you would give the Queen.

You might say that you don't want to be fake, and that the real you blurts out whatever she feels without thinking and clips her fingernails at breakfast. But I argue that the real you wants to treat her family with love and consideration, and wants to put the emphasis on conversation and shared experiences rather than on whose gross-out humor threshold is the highest. Once you eradicate this false you -- the you that shows composure and civility only to outsiders -- not only will your family know how much you care about them, but you will be setting an example of what a difference a little decency makes. And being considerate is contagious.

Enjoy the rest of the winter, dear Richmond Proper readers. I can see the sun just around the corner.

"Don't reserve your best behavior for special occasions. You can't have two sets of manners, two social codes -- one for those you admire and want to impress, another for those whom you consider unimportant. You must be the same to all people."
-- Lillian Eichler Watson

"Most people feel they need etiquette only on occasions when they are spending a great deal of money -- putting on a wedding, for example. Otherwise, they can apparently make do with rudeness."
-- Judith Martin

Valentine’s Day gift guide

Tess Shebaylo — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 17:00:20 +0000

If chosen carefully and appropriately, a gift can declare your feelings without requiring a grand speech. The level of the relationship is of the utmost importance in selecting the right gift for your love. Here's a guide to either (1) inspire you, (2) make a no-effort decision for you, or (3) remind you that Valentine's Day actually does exist and is, in fact, coming up soon.

Crush

For her

Museum tickets. Whether she's into modern art or local history, a couples' day at a museum is definitely a DATE.

Cost: Anywhere from free to around $18, depending on where you go.
What it says: "I'm cultured, and I like you enough to want to spend time doing things that you're interested in."

For him

Card. Thanks to places like Mongrel, Quirk, and the ever-popular internet, card shopping has become painless. Enjoyable, even.

Cost: $5 from Pug and Pony Press.
What it says: "I picked this fancy letterpress card especially for you, which means I like you, but I didn't want to send you into a commitment-phobic hyperventilation attack by spending more than $5 on someone I'm not technically 'in a relationship' with."

New Relationship

For her

Greetings rubber stamp kit. Infinitely more useful than flowers or chocolates, but even better when accompanied by those items.

Cost: $24.95 from Joggles.com.
What it says: "Yes, I do pay attention to you and know all about your quirky hobbies and affinity for anything sold in kit form."

For him

Italian Air Force messenger bag. Stylish and simple, this printed satchel is perfect for filling with other things dudes need but don't think to buy for themselves (Moleskine notebooks, plain Chapstik, etc.).

Cost: $40 from Meatbagz.
What it says: "Yes, I am listening when you randomly mention things you need, and if we're going to keep hanging out all the time, I also want you to carry a bag that I don't mind looking at."

Long-Term Love

For her

Photo book. Fill a book with pictures from your fondest (G-rated) memories as a couple. Romantic and fun.

Cost: $19.95 from Blurb.com.
What it says: "Yes, I remember all those amazing times we've had. I love you so much that it wouldn't be embarrassing to me if people came over to our place, picked this book up off the coffee table, and sighed over our favorite moments."

For him

T-shirt quilt. Get rid of those 97 confounded t-shirts he doesn't wear without really making him throw them away.

Cost: Free if you do it yourself, $120 for a 12-t-shirt quilt on Tshirtquilt.com.
What it says: "Yes, that black metal festival / renaissance faire / technology conference was a blast! I love you so much that I want to honor your favorite memories, but I don't think those memories should continue taking up an entire dresser in our house."

Richmond Proper: On street harrassment

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 11:00:20 +0000

"Good behavior is catching; the more you display it, the more it spreads. This doesn't mean becoming a doormat; it does mean you can defuse a situation without wrangling over who's right or wrong."
-- Peggy Post

Ladies,* I'm sure this is a nightmare you're well-acquainted with: You're walking down the street minding your own business, when suddenly a stranger squawks a bunch of nonsense at you, and you can't think of a great comeback until after you've already stormed off. This routine is a guaranteed morning-ruiner, dreaded by women the world over. In this culture where assault is supposedly a major crime, it's somehow no big deal to yell down the street about the theoretical assault that you'd like to commit. It's frustrating and ridiculous.

Cat calls have been on my mind since I recently discovered Hollaback!, a web site that gives a voice to victims of street harassment. Participants send in stories and pictures of their harassers, publicizing behavior the men would rather keep anonymous and undocumented. Hollaback! hopes to create a "crowd-sourced initiative to end street harassment." Though this goal seems overly ambitious -- some of us have been waging war against public rudeness for years already, to no avail -- just providing a venue for a response is revolutionary.

The Hollaback! method of taking an embarrassing iPhone video and using it to humiliate the guy who humiliated you is certainly an innovation. I'm impressed by people who have the wherewithal to accomplish this task during those few awkward seconds on the sidewalk. Fighting back in this way is admirable, but I know it would be hard for me to do without (1) getting flustered and / or (2) being rude myself. If I actually stopped to interact with a harasser, I would probably end up dispensing a few stammered curses rather than shining justice.

A major focus of this column has been on never repaying rudeness with more rudeness. Richmond Proper is in the business of encouraging you not to stoop to their level. And what is the number one thing that a cat caller wants? Your attention. Nobody paid attention to him when he was little, so he wants you to pay attention to him NOW. Feel free to ignore him.

The Richmond Proper method goes something like this:

You: Walking down the street, staring vaguely into the distance.

Him: "Hey baby, get your [unintelligible] [unintelligible] over here so I can [unintelligible] your [unintelligible]!"

You: Walking down the street, staring vaguely into the distance.

The big picture is what this method is all about, and in the grand scheme of things this man was so insignificant that you couldn't be bothered to turn your head in his direction. "It is the object of lewd behavior to annoy and anger those to whom it is directed, " writes Judith Martin. By refusing to get angry you've just reinforced what every neglected child knows: that being ignored is far worse than being yelled at, and that no one will ever, ever love him. And you didn't even have to lift a / the finger!

Of course, I've also heard of the You Wouldn't Know What To Do With Me If You Had Me method being used to great effect. This involves yelling out "Yes, I'd love to 'get with you!' Meet you at Ruth's Chris at 8?" which inevitably sends the harasser running terrified in the other direction. Alternatively, you can suggest meeting at Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry.

If any of my dear readers has her own method or a good war story, I'd love to hear about it in the comments.

*Yes, I realize that it's possible for men to get cat calls as well, but since those cases seem to make up a slim minority, I'm going to simplify things for myself and use only female pronouns here.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On Negative Nancys

Tess Shebaylo — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 11:00:13 +0000

"Things without all remedy should be without remark."
-- Williams Shakespeare

"What the world needs is more false cheer. And less honest crabbiness."
-- Judith Martin

In this darkest, coldest, and most depressing stretch of the winter, it seems particularly appropriate to discuss negativity. The "woe is me" outlook tends to creep over each of us at one point or another, and it doesn't help that it has become So Cool to hate everything one comes into contact with. But most of you have the good sense not to pay it forward. You are careful not to let your sad little dirge eclipse your entire personality, or worse, to inflict it upon innocent bystanders.

Negative Nancys, killjoys, Eeyores, bammers...no matter what you call them, you know who they are. Doubtless you try to avoid your Negative Nancy when you see her coming, hiding your face in a cough and praying she finds someone else to strangle with complaints. Nobody likes a person with a fake, plastic smile plastered on her face at all times, but the Negative Nancy over-corrects this blunder and plunges instead into a melodramatic abyss. She sees all, feels all, hates all, and disapproves of all.

Friends, do not commit conversational suicide by being a Negative Nancy. Please, we love you and we want you to step back from the ledge! The following self-examinations should be useful:

Take stock of subjects.

What topics do you tend to bring up? There's a whole wide world of wonderful things to talk about. In case you're not clear, some of the things people do not want to hear about are: your aches and pains, "kids these days," politics, how irresponsible everybody else is, politics, how hard your job is, politics, and how bad the traffic was on your way here. Note: some of you are lucky enough to have a bosom friend who calls you promptly each night at 9:30pm, wanting to know every gory detail of your day. This is the person you should save the "real talk" for. Not random coworkers who are just standing in the wrong place when you decide to rant about the rising cost of Prozac. "To have a dear friend who will occasionally listen to a recital of woes, in exchange for services in kind, is a blessing," writes Judith Martin. "To require this regularly, or to impose it upon those who have not volunteered for such tedious duty, is the sin of adding to the total of unhappiness on earth."

Listen to yourself.

How often do you use negative words in a given conversation? Seriously, grab a loyal friend and have her take notes while you hang out for an hour. If you use words like hate, lame, awful, tired, crap, boring, and sick 90% of the time and words like interesting, love, cool, excited, and sweet only 10% of the time, you might be misrepresenting things just a little.

Gain some perspective.

Are you constantly declaring how bad things only happen to you, how doomed you are, how you were born under a bad sign, etc? In her book, The Art of Civilized Conversation, Margaret Shepherd states: "Steer clear of negative pronouncements in general and any moping, self-pitying remarks that seem to whine 'It had to be me.'" The truth is, bad things happen to everyone. No, the fact that your art supplies didn't get here in time for your big, tough, art project's due date does not mean that the Creator is benevolent to everyone except for you (but it might mean that you should have ordered them more than two days in advance).

Take comfort.

When others attempt to comfort you, what is your response? Most people feel thankful for the support, even if there's nothing the other person can do to solve the problem itself. "The chronic complainer, however, doesn't seem to feel better no matter how much she complains. She is happy only when miserable. Wedded to her troubles, she prefers self-pity to your pity, and will argue back when you try to cheer her up," writes Shepherd.

Of course, your next question has been anticipated. Here are some tips for dealing with the Negative Nancys we come in contact with, despite our best efforts at hiding from them.

Disarm her with a compliment.

Ah, the compliment -- the polite person's sharpest weapon. In the movie version of Gone With the Wind, Scarlett disarms India Wilkes (Negative Nancy extraordinaire) by complimenting her thus: "Why India Wilkes, what a lovely dress. I just can't take my eyes off it." There's nothing rude she can really say back to that, and still appear to be a kind hostess. This method is best used before the Negative Nancy even has a chance to start on one of her tirades. It makes it more difficult to deliver a disapproving monologue when she's been so beautifully complimented.

Don't argue.

If you try to point out the bright side to your Negative Nancy, you'll be inviting her to give you a thousand new reasons why her situation is so bleak. If you just stare back without saying anything, sometimes the Negative Nancy will go away without launching into a new topic of grief.

Change the subject.

"Say something related, however vaguely, to what has been said before," writes Shepherd. If your Negative Nancy complains that eating too much red velvet cake made her ill for a week, mention that this is quite a coincidence, because you're planning to wallpaper your dining room in red velvet. Then you can transition into leading the conversation to pleasanter pastures.

Excuse yourself.

Simply skitter off to the ladies' room, the copy machine, or the bar, depending on venue. I have used this excuse many times when the first three methods didn't work, and spent a few very pleasant minutes alone before returning to find the conversation over. Victory!

With these, I hope my dear readers can ably fight chronic negativity in Richmond and beyond. I leave you with the following quote from Miss Manners, and with a request for stories of Negative Nancys in the comments!

"Please notice that Miss Manners is trying hard to refrain from pointing out that there are people who overcome adversity with courage, bravery, and determination, who turn their attention resolutely away from their own dissatisfaction and toward bettering the lot of others. She has been told that this example is of no use to those who cannot manage that exemplary feat, so she is not demanding true cheerfulness. Naturally, the more skillful the performance of false cheer, the more pleasing the effect is upon one's public and on that private audience to whom one owes even more. It is also true that the semblance of happiness eventually, by some alchemy of the spirit, turns genuine. But even the crudest effort is better than tossing one's problems to others, like an unexpected volleyball to the stomach."
-- Judith Martin

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Richmond Proper: On not being THAT GUY at the New Year’s Eve party

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 11:00:34 +0000

New Year's Eve has become the national quintessential Saturday night, set aside as a social occasion with built-in disappointments for everyone. There is nothing like an officially designated time of glamour and excitement for producing mass discontent and depression.
-- Judith Martin

Sometimes I feel sorry for New Year's Eve. We put too much pressure on the poor evening. We dress up and are disappointed if we don't get enough compliments or if the pictures don't turn out right. We make sure to plan a wild night and we look forward to the spontaneity of it all, when the act of planning it out has already ensured that NOTHING about it will be spontaneous. We mask our bad decisions as the unexpected folly of a drunken party, when we know exactly which bad decisions we're planning to make when we wake up the morning of the 31st. We use the holiday to make our party-fueled actions seem less calculating.

Whatever happened to good conversation, good friends, and celebrating a new year and a new beginning?

A NYE party seems to provide more pitfalls and chances for failure than the average party. "New Year's Eve parties, being long and not carefully orchestrated -- as, say, a dinner is -- offer many opportunities for behaving badly, in ways one will suddenly remember with a sickening flash at breakfast the next afternoon," writes Judith Martin. "If you can't manage this yourself, you can always observe a loved one behaving badly."

One way to take some of the pressure off of New Year's Eve is to resolve not to be the most unruly guest at the party. By all means, have a blast -- but not at the expense of others. Nothing puts a damper on holiday fun like hosts or friends having to wrangle an unruly guest -- cleaning up after him, assessing damages, attempting to calm him down. Don't be that guy (or girl).

Plan ahead.

Make arrangements ahead of time for designated drivers, how you're getting home, or where you're going to stay. Scrambling to put this all together at three in the morning will probably not result in the best path you could have taken.

Eat a big dinner.

If you plan on drinking for a long period of time, make sure to fill your belly with food first. Nobody is surprised that the girl who had a house salad for dinner is already down for the count before midnight. Eat bread! Lots of bread.

Dress appropriately.

If the theme of the party you're attending is "I've given up on life," you should totally wear your faded-paint-stained-art-school-t-shirt, jeggings, and Crocs. If attire is "festive," get festive. And don't use being broke as an excuse. Making the effort to find something dapper at a thrift store and taking a few minutes to groom yourself will show your host that you care. She does not expect you to spend a lot of money on an outfit.

Be a good guest.

All of our previously discussed rules for being a good guest still apply. Just because it's New Year's Eve doesn't mean that consideration for others has gone out the window.

Limit your intake.

Pace yourself so that you can enjoy (and remember) the entire evening instead of just the first hour. Sip your beverage and enjoy the taste of it. Try not to switch between different types of alcohol all night. Drink lots of water. The most useful drinking advice I've ever been given is as follows: Always have your drink in one hand and some water in the other. Every time you take a sip of alcohol, take a sip of water. You can drink for days and remain in good health. To this day, I have never seen this method go wrong when strictly followed.

Ask your host what you can do to help.

If you notice that your host is a little flustered -- which is highly likely at a New Year's Eve party -- ask if you can do anything to help. You may be able to refill drinks or straighten up a little, and it will be greatly appreciated. Even if he's fine and doesn't need help, the gesture will mean a lot to your host.

Stick to the plan.

If you volunteered to be the designated driver, don't start taking shots at 1am. Your friends are counting on you. Don't announce to your friends that you just heard about a sweet party via Twitter and you should all abandon ship for the newer, cooler party. Changing plans at the last minute is a good way to get blacklisted from future events. Also, try not to get separated. If you made plans to meet up with your ride at a certain time, be there. Don't make him search every party on the block, listening for the telltale tones of your nasal laugh.

However raucous or tame your New Year's Eve is, I hope it's your best one yet! Much love and luck in the New Year from Richmond Proper.

Richmond Proper: On Holiday Tipping

Tess Shebaylo — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 15:30:18 +0000

(First published on December 1, 2009)

Who are the people in your life that deserve to be rewarded? Let's look beyond the obvious main characters of your life and focus on those on the sidelines or behind the scenes. It has long been considered a kind gesture to set aside a little something extra for the folks who perform routine services for you -- like the mailman and the babysitter. These are the people in the background, helping you get things done all year long. Why not show them how much you appreciate it this holiday season?

Before you panic, understand that the practice of holiday tipping usually only applies to those you don't tip on a regular basis. "If you've regularly tipped at the time of service, either forgo a holiday tip or cut back on the amount," says Peggy Post in Emily Post's Etiquette. This can also be a time to give small gifts and notes of thanks to those who are not normally tipped, but who went the extra mile for you this year. Perhaps some people to include would be the teacher who made extra sure your sick child had his homework each day or the hairdresser who squeezed you in at the last minute for that desperately-needed haircut.

All sources agree that the amount of a holiday tip can be very flexible depending on your budget and other factors. "How much you tip depends on how close you are to this person, how long he or she has been with you and what the usual tip is for someone in that particular position," say Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan in The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette. If you can't afford an appropriate tip, small gifts are also great, especially the homemade ones. Baked goods, holiday decorations, or knitted gifts are an excellent way to show that you cared enough to spend some time and effort in making them.

Though it's your decision whom to tip and how much to give, there are those of you will prefer -- nay, demand -- specific jumping-off points. So here they are:

Personal assistant: One week's pay
Cleaning person, housekeeper, or maid: One week's pay
Regular babysitter: One evening's pay
Au pair/nanny: One week's pay
Daycare provider: $25 - $70
Dogwalker: One to two weeks' pay
Personal trainer: One session's pay
Hairdresser: One cut's pay
Manicurist: One session's pay
Gardener / Lawn care person: $20 - $50
UPS or Fedex carrier: small gift worth $20 or less
Postal carrier: small gift worth $20 or less
Newspaper carrier: $10 - $20
Garage personnel: $10 - $30
Child's teacher, coach, or tutor: small gift worth $30 or less

Don't forget that these gestures are not required, they're just something nice to do if you have the means. Oh, and whatever you give, make sure it is accompanied by a heartfelt note of thanks.

Chanukkah Q & A: The Messianic take

Tess Shebaylo — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 11:00:52 +0000

As the holiday season gets underway, all Chanukkah means to some of us is that there will be blue decorations alongside the red and green ones at the store. This year we asked for the Messianic Jewish perspective on the festival that continues to be so mysterious to the rest of us. Messianic Jews are Jewish people who accept Yeshua (Jesus) but continue practicing the Jewish way of life. Below, Rabbi Jamie Cowen from Tikvat Israel, a Messianic temple located in the Fan, explains his take on Chanukkah.

How does one become a Messianic Rabbi?

There are a few Messianic Jewish seminaries now in the US. I attended one of those seminaries for 2 1/2 years and received a Master's in Jewish Studies from the Joseph Rabinowitz School of Theology -- at the time known as the Messianic Jewish Bible Institute and Graduate School of Theology. There are two umbrella Messianic Jewish organizations, one of which is the Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations. I was ordained (received smicha) through this institution after meeting its requirements and have been serving as Rabbi of Tikvat Israel since 1990.

What does Chanukkah mean to you?

Chanukkah is the Feast of Dedication. Traditionally, it's considered a minor feast in Judaism. However, in the Western World and especially the US where Christmas is so significant, the Jewish community, in order to compete, has elevated the status of the holiday. It celebrates the defeat of the Greeks by Jewish rebels in the 160's BCE. The Greeks, who controlled much of the Middle East, had attempted to stamp out Jewish practices. In response, a group of observant Jewish priests rose in rebellion, ultimately overthrowing Greek rule and establishing an independent Jewish nation for the first time in 400 years. The name Chanukkah comes from the retaking of the 2nd Temple in Jerusalem and cleansing it from Greek idols. For me, Chanukkah represents freedom to practice the Jewish faith and victory over our enemies.

How is Chanukkah celebrated in your congregation?

Because we're Messianic, we do things a little differently. As you know, a special menorah is used for Chanukkah called the Chanukkiah, which is essentially a nine-stick candelabra as opposed to the traditional one of 7. There are eight candle holders representing the eight days that oil found in the Temple lasted during the retaking of the Temple. The final holder is called the shamash, meaning servant candle. That candle is traditionally lit first and is used to light the other candles during the 8-day holiday. We make the connection that Yeshua (Jesus) is the servant candle. He then lights our candles and enables us to be lights to the world. This connection is not a substitute for the traditional meaning of the days, but is added to it.

We usually have a Chanukkah party on the 1st night, which we do this year on Wednesday, December 1. Everyone is to bring their own Chanukkiah and light them together as I give the explanations above. Then we usually have entertainment and games for the kids and special Chanukkah delicacies for everyone.

Is Chanukkah celebrated in conjunction with, or in lieu of, Christmas?

We celebrate Chanukkah in lieu of Christmas. We don't celebrate Christmas. Some families who are mixed might do so, although we actually discourage it. However, we never speak against Christmas nor do we discourage families from celebrating it with extended families where there are Christians in the extended family. It's just not a Jewish holiday.

(To learn more about Chanukkah -- which begins today -- check out our feature from last year, Put on your yarmulke – it’s time to ask a Jew about Chanukah!)

Richmond Proper: On office kitchens

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 11:00:32 +0000

For many of us who bring lunches to work, the shared office kitchen is a battleground strewn with last month's leftovers and dirty coffee cups. And that's just during the rest of the year. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas most offices see an increase in food brought in to share, whether it's leftovers from a big family meal or an overzealous baking spree. Take a look at the following tips to keep office kitchens bearable despite the holiday influx.

Respect the rules of the kitchen.
Take note of how many people you're sharing the fridge with, and use space accordingly. Don't bring in a month's worth of groceries; bring only what you need for a week at most. Keep your items corralled to your specific area of the fridge or cabinet, so that others don't have to push 41 of your tiny yogurt tubs out of their way when they want to reach something else. If a coworker is deathly allergic to peanuts or gets nauseous at the smell of popcorn, don't bring those foods in to work. You can enjoy them just as well at home. If you use up the last of the coffee, plastic utensils, or other resource, be a big kid and replace them or make arrangements to replace them.

Clean up your mess.
Each time you leave the office kitchen, take a second to make sure it looks exactly the same as when you entered. If necessary, throw away trash, wash dishes, wipe off countertops, and clean the microwave. Never, ever, ever leave your dirty dishes or leftover containers sitting in the sink.

Keep up with your own food.
If you are storing food in the office refrigerator (and don't forget the freezer), check it every once in a while to make sure it hasn't expired. Make sure not to leave a bunch of questionable containers in the fridge, growing mold and grossing everybody out. Seriously, someone else should not have to purge the kitchen of your leftovers from two years ago. Labeling things with permanent marker will help you if you're forgetful.

Don't help yourself to others' lunches.
Apparently this is an actual issue that exists among grown-ass adults. Do not take food that does not belong to you unless the owner has given you special permission to help yourself. There is nothing worse than hungrily trotting to the office fridge only to find out your lunch has already been eaten.

Keep opinions to yourself.
Please resist the urge to comment on every single thing your coworkers eat. Do not chirp out things like "Something smells like cat food," "Hey, your whole meal is the same color," or "Pizza again?" These comments are humiliating for the other person, and they really show off your rude side. Your coworkers do not appreciate having their eating habits monitored and narrated back to them, no matter how food-conscious they are.

As Judith Martin points out, the underlying creed of office etiquette is "Look, we're all jammed in here together, so let's try not to get on one another's nerves." Amen. Richmond Proper would love to hear your office kitchen horror (and success?) stories.

Deck the halls with stuff from Etsy

Tess Shebaylo — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 11:00:23 +0000

Right on time, we're serving up holiday selections from local crafters on Etsy. It's particularly useful this time of year, but you can use Etsy's Shop Local tool anytime to zero in on handmade and vintage products located near you. Before hitting up the mall this holiday season, consider supporting Richmond by buying local.

(Note: At the time this list was compiled in mid-November, the featured items were still available. But act quickly –- things get snatched up like THAT! If you miss out on buying something, be sure to check the sellers’ other items available for purchase. Or you can always try contacting him or her about custom items and orders.)

Rudolph from riricreations

White felted wool acorns from CityCrochet (also available in blue)

Dessert pedestal from burlap + blue

Elf antics Christmas cards from Sherri Conley Photography

Santa's magic key from One Strange Girl

Eco Felt Bird Ornaments from Lova Revolutionary

Snow People Pocket Doll Kit from Connie Lou Fabrics

Vintage Inspired Coaster Set from burlap + blue

Gnome Ornament from Tasha McKelvey

Vintage style sheet music garlands from riricreations

Putz Vintage Style Glitter House and Hand Dyed Bottle Brush Tree from One Strange Girl

(The featured image is the Vintage hymnal book pages wreath from reginacmoore.)

Ask Richmond Proper: On greedy guests

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 11:00:43 +0000

"[Miss Manners] has never subscribed to the notion that etiquette requires one to make others feel good when they are up to no good."
-- Judith Martin

Reader Sarah writes:

Dear Richmond Proper,
My husband and I are known to be drinkers, like so many people are in this city. A couple weeks ago we attended a wedding, mostly because we love our newly-married friends but partly because of the open bar! The bride’s family are not well-to-do by any means, yet had a fully-stocked bar for the reception (it was at a restaurant). My husband ordered a drink for me, and then proceeded to go through all the small-batch bourbons like it was his own personal tasting party. When the night was up, he had ordered six of the most expensive things on the drink menu, and when I sneaked a peek at the total tab for the whole party, his was probably twenty percent. I tried to tell him I thought this was rude, but he laughed and said that it wasn’t our dime. What do you think about this?

Sarah, I think you were absolutely right to tell your husband he was being rude.

It's true that your gracious hosts, if asked for permission, would have said "Sure, have any drink you want! We just want everyone to have a good time." It's their job to provide the food and drink, and they knew the risks of having an open bar before they chose that path. If you and your husband really are known to be such prolific drinkers, they may have even calculated their budget to accommodate this charming trait. Maybe they even know some teetotalers who balance the tab out.

But your husband's willingness to drink your hosts out of house and home is inappropriate. Surely he could enjoy himself with several tumblers of mid-range whiskey and be just as jovial by the end of the night. When given an ounce of hospitality, our role as guests is not to demand a gallon. If your husband can't accept and enjoy this hospitality in a thankful manner, perhaps you should RSVP "no" for him in the future. "I'm terribly sorry, but George won't be able to make it that night. But I'll be happy to attend."

The truth is that these hosts are real people with real bank accounts, and they should be able to throw a party without going into too much debt over it. Avoid being the person who single-handedly throws their budget off, and you will be invited back for more bourbon next time.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

Ask Richmond Proper: On polite rejection in the online dating scene

Tess Shebaylo — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 16:00:29 +0000

A darling reader asks,

Dear Richmond Proper:
So, I'm doing the online dating thing, and I need to know what to do when someone who you have absolutely no interest in messages you. Can you just not respond at all? Which is more rude: not responding or responding and saying "uh...nope"? I don't want to waste my time or theirs by responding to someone I have no intention of ever meeting. Do I just ignore? Make polite conversation? I have no idea, but I don't want to be mean. But I also really value my time and have no interest talking to someone I'm just no that into! Help!

You did sign up for this service, so you should expect messages from both interesting and uninteresting candidates. Either way, you should always respond immediately. "Respond when someone contacts you, even when you aren't interested," writes Peggy Post. "Just a quick message expressing thanks and a courteous regret will do." There is absolutely no reason for somebody to be offended by a polite reply. The whole point of dating sites is to find somebody you could spend your life with, which implies that you're going to have to weed through people you obviously can't spend your life with.

It might feel rude to brush a guy off with a quick message, but it's much ruder to not say anything: not only have you rejected him by not acknowledging his message, but you've also kept him waiting. If you already know there's not a chance, just say so. That's part of the beauty of internet dating: these are complete strangers, so you don't have any kind of a pre-existing friendship to worry about. Always be courteous, but don't over-think it. Things can be a little less touchy-feely and a little more logical and businesslike. As Judith Martin puts it, "If there is any advantage to cyberspace society, it is that he doesn't really know anything about you -- not even whether you are really the lady in the picture you sent -- and can comfort himself with the notion that there are a lot of frauds and nuts out there."

Speaking of logical, most sites have ways to tighten up the criteria for potential mates who can contact you. Take a look on your site and see what your settings are. f you're getting a large amount of mail from candidates who don't match very well with you, you might need to revisit those settings as well as any questions you answered on the site.

Admittedly, my knowledge of the technical specifics of online dating are minimal. I'd be interested to see if any of our other readers have experiences or advice to offer in this arena.

Have an etiquette question and need some advice? Email tess@rvanews.com.

RVANews

Best sledding in RVA

Oregon Hill Overlook (Oregon Hill)

At S. Laurel Street and Oregon Hill Parkway

Virginia War Memorial (Monroe Ward)

Between Belvidere Street and S. 2nd Street

Powhatan Hill Park (Fulton Hill)

Between Williamsburg Road and Goddin Street

Libby Hill Park (Church Hill)

At N. 29th Street and Libby Terrace

Forest Hill Park (Forest Hill)

At Forest Hill Avenue and W. 41st Street

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