RVANews

Robot Hearts: The final episode

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:00:51 +0000

Editor's note: That's right, kiddos. After bestowing so much love and dating advice over the last few months, our sages' Robot Hearts have warmed and turned into real, beating centers of love. So, it's time to bid them farewell. We hope they've helped you out from time to time and, at the very least, given you some laughs. Oh, we will miss them so.

Question #1

This wild Richmond summer is in full swing, and I've found myself dateless to every event. The internet (Myspace, Facebook, Craiglist's Missed Connections) seems to prove that there are a lot of single guys out there, but all the ones I meet are taken. Where are the available guys hiding?
-- On the Hunt in the Museum District

Tess: My dear Hunter, I have to admit that I'm not the absolute expert on this topic, for I doubt I would have been single for so long if I knew of this elusive hiding place. But I think the art of boyfriend-hunting all depends on what kind of guy you're looking for. Looking for frat boys in pleated khakis? Try the bars around the corner of Main and Robinson. Sweaty, sporty dudes who enjoy bleached blonde girls and chain restaurants? Try Home Team Grill, Buffalo Wild Wings, or Sine. Artsy types, musicians, decent haircuts? Try Ipanema, Empire, and Avalon. Perhaps we can get some more recommendations in the comments section. Just keep in mind that you still have to separate the wheat from the chaff at any bar you go to.

And of course you could always go to those tried-and-true locations which are repeatedly mentioned in Missed Connections. You know, the grocery store, the gas station, the VCU library, Chipotle. First, though, you might want to ask yourself if you're okay with settling for a guy who can only voice his affections for you via an anonymous message board.

And last but not least I must personally suggest that you import a guy from out of town. Get out of your comfort zone and go on a road trip, preferably to a festival or conference where you'll see tons of new people who have common interests with you. You'll appear way more mysterious and feel confident about being yourself, because you don't have the normal constraints of being around familiar surroundings. You'll enthrall some great guy, and bring him back to Richmond where he belongs anyway. Good luck!

Jack: On the flipside a lot of the guys I talk to say the same thing: "All the good ones are taken..." Although usually the guy who makes that statement could have never gotten that girl in the first place and quite honestly, I hear less than stellar girls make that same statement as well. So what am I saying? Well, before attempting to answer your question with some random spots in Richmond where you can meet that available guy, take a look in the mirror. Is it time to maybe lower your standards a bit? Is there a reason why all these great guys keep throwing themselves under cabs when they see you? Just a thought.

On to your question. Available men? Hotel bars: Excuse that pale circle of skin on his ring finger. I find that many men in their thirties have that same affliction. Chat him up and get his work digits. Don't, uhh, call him at home, or, uhh, leave any messages with his secretary.

Kickball/ Dodgeball/ Wiffleball/ Jai Alai Rec Leagues:This goes along with the Hometeam Grill and Sine answer. Same haircut, same neon orange shirt, same slightly beer-bloated bodies. It's hard not to find available, somewhat slovenly men in this crowd.

Downtown bars: I work there. I like to go down there. Male availability is high. STD rate is high, though not as high as Chesterfield's rate according to a recent study-- So we got that going for us, which is nice.

Jefferson Davis Highway or Craigslist "Adult Services". Both hooker hotspots. Are you above paying for an escort? From the sounds of your letter I would guess no. Go get 'em tiger.

In the end it's not about the location, it's about your mindset and your willingness to accept defeat. Do like the other girls in Richmond...settle, settle, settle. You will never get married and knocked up by 29 with your attitude, much less get some gent to escort you to the sock-hop.

Question #2

I will be moving to Richmond soon for my job. I grew up in New England and have never laid eyes upon your sure-to-be beautiful city. I am a 25-year-old, single female. I'm not looking to get married yet, but I'm not looking to sleep around with everyone either. What advice, do's and don'ts, tidbits of info would you give a gal who is new to the city and looking to avoid the pitfalls of past newbie Richmonders? Anything helps.
-- Coming down 95 next month - Boston, Mass

Jack: I've compiled a list of "tidbits":

Avoid the fan bars. Avoid the Shockoe Bottom bars. Avoid the Southside bars. Avoid the bars near VCU. Avoid the West End bars. Avoid Northside. Avoid the East End. Avoid anywhere north of Broad in the Church Hill Neighborhood. Avoid Broad Street altogether. Avoid going within 3 miles of Richmond International Raceway. Avoid anyone who wears super tight pants. Avoid Short Pump. Avoid South Richmond. Avoid coming anywhere near Hull Street.

Hmmm, okay I think I covered everything. That leaves you Barnes and Noble, Regency Square Mall and uhhh....

The point of my ramblings is this. Try as you might, you will never avoid the pitfalls of dating in Richmond or any other city. My best advice is to dive right in and hope for the best. I can say with confidence, there are some great men and women out there in the Cap city. As long as you're willing to take a chance and strike up a conversation... who knows what will happen? Hitting a "pitfall" or two is more exciting than writing into some dating column.

But seriously, there's nothing good on Hull Street. Take my word for it.

Tess: It's difficult to give you advice when I don't know your tastes, but I shall try. If I told you where to avoid, all my advice would be based on my tastes, not yours, so I will be a little more broad in what I say. Since you are moving here for work, the temptation will be to just make friends with a few people at your office and hang out with them exclusively. Don't get sucked into the laziness of killing time with the people who just happened to be placed in front of you. Seek out folks who aren't necessarily just like you, but who have good taste and are involved in organizations, pursuits, etc. that you find interesting. Focus on making friends with a solid group of people and getting to know the girls very well. The kind of guys who hang around with these girls will become a natural dating pool for you. In a small town such as this, we ladies are always excited to recommend some of our top-notch guy friends when a worthy female presents herself and makes a good impression on us.

In advice that's not related to dating: You should spend a couple of days driving and walking around town, getting used to the different neighborhoods before committing to a location. One thing I can recommend wholeheartedly is to live where you play, not where you work. For example, if the shops, bars, and people of a certain area are exciting to you, live there no matter how far away it is from work. Otherwise you're likely to just get lazy, talk yourself out of hitting the town every time there's something going on, and become a bit of a hermit.

Even though Robot Hearts is fanito, our sages aren't falling off the Internet anytime soon. Keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth, and see what Tess is up to over at Parasol Party.

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Robot Hearts: Waiting periods and revenge

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 11:30:46 +0000

Question #1

Hi, Robot Hearts! Longtime reader, first-time writer. My question is simple: What's the acceptable waiting period for dating someone who just got out of a long-term relationship? Everybody I ask seems to have a different answer for this, so I thought I'd check with my favorite warring columnists.
-- Patience is a Virtue? In Uptown

Tess: My dear reader, waiting periods are for handguns and "Patience" is the name of a Guns n' Roses song. The truth is that life is very, very short. If we had infinite time allotted to us on this earth, I'd advise you to be incredibly wary at all times. But as it is, I'm a firm believer that as soon as a relationship is over and both parties have been informed that it's over, dating other people is appropriate. If you want to see if this is the right person for you, it is most prudent to start exploring that question now rather than wasting time. Act now, because people do tend to move on quickly. As Rhett Butler says, "I can't go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands." So go ahead, ask her out while she's still in her mourning clothes.

The other thing is that waiting for some vaguely acceptable time to pass doesn't ensure success when you finally do start dating. Some people take decades to heal completely, so there's no way to know how much time is enough. Likely, if it's only been weeks or months since the breakup, haters who don't know how to read a calendar will convince themselves that you were (gasp!) cheating during the relationship. If you know that you have acted rightly, then you have nothing to fear. All of this being said, you should still be watchful for folks who need to be with someone in order to feel normal. Those people do need time alone to learn how to be independent, so allow them that time before they suck the life out of you. And as in any new relationship, some degree of caution makes sense so that you can guard your heart as this new enterprise unfolds.

Jack: I agree wholeheartedly with Tess. Our time on this earth was not meant to be spent fretting about your lover's past lovers or "healing," or other wasteful pursuits like caring what other people think. Only you and this new person will know if it's right. You will hear many people tell you that someone fresh out of a relationship needs to bang out a few rebound hotties (or rebound uggos, depending on the person) before they're ready to heal. That's bullshit though. There is a reason that they are not with the last person; it's now your job to be better for them than that asshat was. If you can't be, they'll find someone who can and the cyclical relationship boat will sail on, with or without you. Don't be scared to take that chance....

The worst that could happen is they continue to bang their ex-boyfriend and you get your heart broken. (Go on to Question #2 with advice on how to deal with a scenario like that).

Question #2

I've been seeing this girl for 5 months and things have been great. Night after night spent together, passionate kissing, great dates, fantastic conversation, long walks on the... you get the point. I found out a few days ago that she has secretly been sleeping with one of my so-called friends for about two weeks, maybe longer, while still sleeping with me and saying she "thinks she's in love with me." I haven't told her I know and I don't just want to drop the bomb on her and storm off. I want revenge. I want her to feel the betrayal and heart break I feel right now. What should I do (if anything)? Do I walk away the bigger man? Do I hit her cat with my car? I'm undecided.
-- Heart shattered In the Fan

Jack: A Question concerning plotting, revenge and heartbreak? Somewhere I smile coldly and laugh maniacally as I begin to type.

In certain situations it's always better to walk away without a word. The cold shoulder is one of the most devastating maneuvers that one can pull in the game of life. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the cold shoulder isn't enough in your scenario. A betrayal of this magnitude calls for maximum punishment. An entire face for an eye, so to speak. While it's difficult to tell you exactly what to do without the specifics of your cheating girl's and former friend's lives (i.e. address, parents address, dogs name, name of their elementary school, etc.), I can give you some words to get you started.

At first, say nothing. Swallow your pride, smile, and keep everything cool. Keep banging her. Grin and bear it. Whatever devious, hopefully live-shattering plan you unlock will be useless if she thinks that you know anything. Next, devise a scheme that will ultimately crush her and this asshole you called a friend. A plan not unlike the Manhattan Project. We need total destruction... of property, psyche, parents, etc. Use drugs, guns, rabid bunnies, anthrax, whatever you need to make it happen. (Email me personally and I can meet you in a dark alley and help with the planning and for a fee, the execution of said plan.) A man should always be the "bigger man", unless it's time to not be the "bigger man", and this is that time. (That last line was so "Dalton-esqe" (Roadhouse).)

... Or you could just disown your friend and dump the cheating whore in one fell swoop. I like my first idea better though.

Tess: My question about your question is: are you In A Relationship with this woman? If you guys have just been loosely “seeing each other” for months with no DTR, you really don’t have any grounds for being disappointed here. If this girl can sleep with you, fall in love with you, and everything else without officially being your girlfriend, it follows that she can probably do the same with other people in the meantime. In this case, you should probably either have a DTR immediately, or just slink away into the darkness with your tail between your legs and know better next time.

Assuming that she is indeed your girlfriend, you need to ask yourself how you really feel about this and what you want to happen next. I don’t believe in any of this “maximum punishment” hogwash; the purveyors of revenge are usually the only ones who end up truly poisoned by it. When you think about her upcoming reaction, do you want her to apologize for hours and beg to have another chance? If so, explain how betrayed you feel and then give her that second chance. If you decide to give her a second chance, your forgiveness must be real: no guilt-tripping, holding it over her head for the rest of the relationship, and fabricating a whole slew of new trust issues. If you come to the conclusion that no apology could be enough, then a polite phone call or short meeting should be enough to let her know exactly why you won’t be returning her calls any longer.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Also, check out past columns at Robot Hearts, keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth, and see what Tess is up to over at Parasol Party.

Robot Hearts: Now what?

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 11:30:25 +0000

Question #1

I have been sleeping with this guy for almost 2 months now, one of those friends with benefits, no strings attached kind of deals. And as in most cases, I've started to have feelings for him, and he is showing signs that he is too. It's not just about screwing around anymore - we've gone out on a date, and I stay at his place all the time. In the past month I've probably only stayed at my house maybe 5 times. All of my friends that know him keep asking me why we aren't together, and I don't really have an answer. Do you think this is just because he is hooked on the sex, or is there a possibility that he could want more??
-- Catching Feelings in the West End

Tess: Well, you probably already know what I'm going to say about the "no strings attached" thing. Humbug! Perhaps some super-people exist who can engage in this kind of charade without starting to feel attached, but I have yet to meet or hear of those people (present company excluded, Jack). I think we can safely say that however unattached your intentions were, there's no escaping it now. When you put yourselves repeatedly into an intimate situation where you're connecting to and caring for each other -- even just physically -- the lines between the physical and the emotional eventually begin to blur. I hate to be blunt, but in the interest of brevity...if he hasn't mentioned commitment yet, he probably has no mind to. For some people, the idea of feeling close to (and maybe even loved by) another person without being formally associated with her is a tantalizing prospect. Then again, instead of making assumptions you could ask him yourself about the possibility of going exclusive. Just bring it up quickly and in a straightforward manner, and it'll be like tearing off a bandage. You will never know unless you ask, and whatever the answer is, the hard part will be over and you'll be able to move to the next step.

Jack: Unfortunately Tess is semi-correct (weird...right?). Repeated "bumping and grinding" with the same hussy will turn even the most metallic and robotic of hearts, soft. I've been in a few of these situations where, as the man and the tough guy, I refuse to express any sort of feelings until the woman expresses hers. I think you just go for broke and tell this guy that you like him for more than the sex.

My gut tells me he will say the same. A fling usually isn't characterized by constant sleepovers. Also the date would seem to signify that he actually enjoys hanging out with you outside of the bedroom. Soooo, now you have to woMAN up and do some talking. The worst he can say is "No, you're nothing but a piece of meat that I use to satisfy my sexual urges while at the same time imagining you're my ex-girlfriend....who is prettier." But, hopefully he won't say that.

Question #2

I get a fair amount of girls' phone numbers at the bars I frequent, although my overall conversion rate (numbers that translate into dating and/or sex) is quite poor. I'm not sure if the reason for this is me or if it's the universal flakiness of girls in general, but I need help. When should I call a girl after I get her number? I know three days is like industry standard, but it doesn't seem to work. Help me.
-- Pocket Full of Numbers in Midtown

Jack:

Keep getting numbers, hundreds and hundred of numbers. You may be failing at converting, but the most difficult part about picking up women is the opening or the beginning, so if you're getting numbers, you're doing something right. Statistically one of these numbers has to convert to sex, regardless of how much you reek of loser.
Girls are flaky. They would give out their numbers to a hobo on the street corner if he said something nice. That being said, don't get discouraged by one prospect flaking. Every guy has had a few slip through his hands (even me.... I know, big shocker there).
Three days IS industry standard, but you have to find what fits you. Personally I wait 3 to 4 days and then text. Sometimes I wait 3 to 4 weeks. The point is to make it seem like you don't care, which at first you will care, until you keep fake not-caring for a bit and then eventually you will actually not care. Got all that? Good, because once a girl senses apathy on your part they will like you more. It's strange....

I could go on for days on this topic, but I need to leave Tess some room to throw in the whole women's "we want you to be straight-forward", "we wike nice guys", blah blah blah, prospective. Try not to listen to her though. She's just like the rest of their tribe, which is to say... a complete nutjob. Ok Tess, rip me to shreds....

Tess:
Don't forget that this is a tribe of "nutjobs" which for some reason you have an uncontrollable desire to pursue at all costs.

Are these numbers fake? If she gave you the phone number "867-5309," chances are she's just trying to get rid of you.
It's preposterous to assume that all girls are flaky just because some of the women who've been clueless enough to give Jack their numbers have been flaky. I would venture to say that men are generally flakier than women, and that is why "I'll call you tomorrow" means "I'll call you next Thursday" in boy language. Seriously, if someone is not returning your calls -- be it a romantic interest or any friend -- it means you were less important than the 900 other things they've been doing all week. Take it as a sign and a blessing, and thank your lucky stars that you don't have to actually maintain a relationship with that person.
See #2: 3 days is indeed industry standard for men. If we're talking about girls, I think Jack is correct in assuming that they'll become more eager to contact you if they sense apathy. This is because they are little girls, and they've got plenty of time for messing with your head in between visiting the tanning salon and the extra small sale rack at Forever 21. If those creatures aren't interested when you've contacted them after the very prudent 3-day waiting period, see #2 again (thank your lucky stars, etc). But if you're looking for women of the mature, grown-up variety, I don't think you need to cultivate a fake apathy in order to draw them in. Use this principal to filter out the true nutjobs from the desirable, pleasant females out there.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Also, check out past columns at Robot Hearts, keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth, and see what Tess is up to over at Parasol Party.

Robot Hearts: How to Meet Her Mother

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 05 May 2009 11:30:53 +0000

Hey Robot Hearts! I'll be meeting my girlfriend's mother soon for the first time, and was wondering if you could give me some tips for making a good impression. I really like this girl, and I know how much easier life is when you have a stamp of approval from your girlfriend's mom.
-- First Impressions in Nervousville

Tess: The fact that you have the forethought to even consider trying to make a good impression speaks well of you. Here are some tips:

Make eye contact. Nobody likes a shifty, shady guy who's always looking down at the floor or to the side when you're talking to him.
After dinner or drinks or whatever, offer to help clean up. Trust me. She'll probably say "Oh no, you're the guest! Relax," but just by offering you've earned brownie points.
Ask her about herself. Don't just drone on about how many doctorates you plan to earn from some Ivy League school or how much you totally hate that one band just because you hate all popular bands by default. Show some interest in who the lady is. Ask her where she's from, how she met your girlfriend's father, and other things that will get her talking and enjoying herself by reminiscing. This tip actually applies for making a good first impression with anyone. Or just for making conversation...ever.
Don't be overly complimentary or polite. Few people are flattered by this kind of behavior, and most can smell the ruse and will loathe you for it.
Be yourself. Obviously, if you're an evil villain with nefarious plots this won't help you, but if this lady kicks you out of her house and prevents you from procreating with her daughter, that helps humankind. And if you're a sweet guy with good intentions, a mom with any gumption will be able to see that...and appreciate it.

Jack: The fact that you have the forethought to even consider trying to make a good impression speaks lowly of you. You will not leave a good impression, leaving a clearly disappointed mother secretly whispering to her daughter that she liked that last boy better. At least that young man tucked his shirt in! I know every single mother (including my own) will be aghast at my forthcoming advice, but believe it or not many girls have brought me home to meet the mom, and I'm a bonafide expert...on how to fuck it up royally.

Being yourself is the right move. Even if you are that villain with many nefarious plots or you're just some slovenly shmo. Don't apologize for who you are. Besides, clearly you have done enough to make your actual girlfriend like you, and it's not like you're trying to sleep with the mom also. Unless you are, you dirty dog you. If that's the case then I commend you, but there's a small chance that your girl's mom will meet the attractiveness threshold necessary for an attempted bang, so this scenario is a little ridiculous, even for me.
Come bearing a gift. Do not bring flowers or wine or any other lame cliche BS. You want to stand out from the other dudes this girl has brought home, dudes that undoubtedly were better educated, better looking, and had much better jobs than you. I suggest a bottle of rare, 160-proof Absinthe. Show the lady that you like to party, but that you also respect the history and appreciate the drinking habits of the French Impressionist movement. Or if you want to get creative, I once knew a guy who brought a possibly live, antique World War II mortar shell over to his perspective mother-in-laws house. Nothing says "I love your daughter" or "I mean business" better than the threat of imminent death.
This goes along with Tess's number 3, but please god, whatever you decide to do...just shut the hell up. Nothing good can come from you droning on about your job in HR or your online degree from the University of Phoenix. Be the strong, silent type. Hell, be creepy if you have to. People will take a mystery man over the asshole that never shuts his trap any day of the week.
If all else fails, and your stench of social retardation and utter loserdom is too diffucult to mask, I suggest not trying at all, in fact, go ahead and try to mess it up. Wear a wife-beater, spit on the floor, leave the toilet seat up and covered in urine, etc. Think about it this way: some girls will always listen to their mothers and will probably end things with you, while on the other hand, many girls can't stand their mothers and will do anything to displease them (including dating an asshat like you). I've found that the disapproving parent can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.
The only real advice I can give: Treat the woman like you would your own mother. Think about all the bullshit you put your mom through when you were growing up and all of the things that she has done for you, and transfer those emotions to your girlfriend's mother. Having to alter your life for a kid is one thing; having to do it for 25 years (and counting) deserves a freakin' gold medal. That being said, Mom, Happy Mother's Day. I owe you the world.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Also, check out past columns at Robot Hearts, keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth, and see what Tess is up to over at Parasol Party.

Robot Hearts: Who Are You Again?

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:30:29 +0000

Question #1

Up until recently, I had been exchanging emails with a guy I met at work...we are both huge movies fans, shy, nervous around the opposite sex, etc. It's like my own little Nicholas Sparks novel....things seemed pretty perfect. Of course after almost a whole week of awesome emails, he just stopped replying. I didn't think much of it because I realize that he has a life, but a few days went by and I discovered that he stopped emailing me because he met a girl at a wedding. I wasn't expecting (hoping...but not expecting) to go out with him, but I was heartbroken that he just sort of blew me off. My question is, why do you think he just stopped talking to me like that? Give it to me straight, I can take it and maybe just maybe forget about the one guy who I just can't forget.
-- Hoping (But Not Expecting) In the Workplace

Tess: Dear Hoping: I have sympathy for you because you have been given The Cold Shoulder, that cheapest and most often used of all the weapons in a player's arsenal. Why did he stop responding to you, even though you were just beginning to get to know each other? Because he doesn't have any interest in you as a friend, and was only trying to see if the dating thing would pan out. And now that he's got that base covered by the girl he met at the wedding, he doesn't need to continue being polite to you. Since explaining this to you (even in a nice way) makes him squirm just thinking about it, he's chosen to be a wimp and just say nothing. My advice to you is to treat this just like any friendship you've initiated and haven't gotten much response on: give up, get over it. If you've offered someone your time and friendship and they've treated it as something to be ignored, you're lucky to have escaped a relationship with such a careless soul. Of course you should still be friendly and polite when you see him, but since he's made it abundantly clear that he won't be putting out any effort to get to know you better, he shouldn't take up any more of your time.

Jack: It's not that this guy is a wimp (unless he mentioned the words "Nicholas Sparks" in one of those emails, because then yes, he's a wimp) but the fact of the matter is, he forgot about you because of this new chick. I frequently go the cold shoulder route when I don't really want to hang out with a girl anymore. While it's an easy and a somewhat bitch-move on my part, it's usually not intentional. I just tend to forget and move on. Yes, I'm an asshole when it comes to breaking up with girls, but at least this way I can avoid all of the ugliness that coincides with a split, and the girl can always wonder what it was that she did wrong, without ever getting a clear response. So those are good things...right?

A side note: Comparing an email exchange to your "own little Nicholas Sparks novel" tells me two things: You're delusional and that you might be expecting a bit too much out of this whole dating and love thing. Let's work on getting you a date with a real live human being first. After that your love affair can involve renovating houses and making out in the rain and long walks on the beach and other Nic Sparks chicanery (I had to Google "The Notebook" before I wrote those last few sentences).

Question #2

I've been seeing this guy for three months now, and it's been great. I can't find a flaw with this guy. That is, until the other night. We were engaged in a romping act of the sexual variety when nearing the climax, he moaned out "Lydia!" The problem is, my name is Lisa. He had mentioned that he had a long term relationship that he had gotten out of a few months before we met. Her name was Lydia. I immediately stopped the good-lovin' and got pissed. Should I be worried? Was this some type of Freudian slip? Has he been imagining that I'm this "Lydia" girl when we have sex? He denies it all and says that he was in the moment, couldn't tell his ass from his elbows and it was simply a stupid mumbling mistake. What the hell is up, Robot Hearts?
--Definitely Not Lydia in RVA

Jack: Hmmmm, this is a good one. First, think of it this way: Have you ever imagined the person you were sleeping with was someone else? Even for just a second? I'd be willing to bet that you have. Now the question is, how often is this "great" guy imagining that your naked visage is that of his ex-girlfriend "Lydia"? You will never know because he'll never admit it. So where does that leave you?

Well, you gotta sit him down and find out exactly where he stands. Does he still have feelings for this Lydia chick, or is he all about you? Even if he says you (which he will), it will take a long time to get over his faux-pas, especially when you decide to let him bang you again.

While I've never actually called a girl by the wrong name in bed, I have fantasized that she was a different girl. In fact my mind wonders almost every time I have sex, but it always goes back to the girl that is underneath me, or above me, or on the sex swing, or wrapped in the dead camel carcass, etc. I'm pretty sure every guy does this every once and awhile. In the end, I think you just need to accept the things you can't control and simply "don't ask, don't tell." Unless that idiot mentions any other girls name in bed again, because then you get a free pass to punch him squarely in the ball-sack and get the hell out of there.

Tess: Why, Jack! Did you bring the phrase "dead camel carcass" into this sexually-related conversation just to make me gag, or was it a happy coincidence? I knew for some time that you and I would need to find a problem phrase -- much like "practice holes" for you and Susan -- but I confess I didn't think it would involve the body of an innocent desert-going mammal. You really know how to make a girl feel special.

Anyway, Not Lydia: Some of us are just terrible with names. It takes me way longer than three months to remember the names of most people, even ones that I see often. I can speak for the rest of the chronic name-forgetters when I say that whether we remember your name in no way reflects our level of affection for you. I realize that this happened to you during a moment of particular intimacy, but I don't think it means you should cue the fit of rage. In fact, I'd say that freaking out over a one-time blunder indicates some insecurity on your part. "Of course he must love this mysterious Lydia more than me; I'm so boring / uncool / whatever enough to hold a man's attention," and so on, and so forth. Don't sell yourself short. If his mistakes are few and far between, you are obliged to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Now if the Lydia problem starts to occur more often, and he makes no attempt to apologize or bring up the subject, then yes, it's time for a chat. Like Jack says, you should ask him if he still has feelings for Lydia...whoever that is.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Also, check out past columns at Robot Hearts, keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth, and see what Tess is up to over at Parasol Party.

Robot Hearts: The Rules of Attraction

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 11:30:50 +0000

Question #1

Alright, once and for all: is love at first sight valid or bogus? My practical side tells me it's bogus, but all the stories of old people who got married after knowing each other for a week and are happy 50 years later tell me it's valid.
-- Asking the Big Questions in Ginter Park

Tess: Love at first sight is a myth. As much as I love mindless romantic comedies, it's true. Allow me to clarify.

Attraction at first sight is very, very real. You know what I'm talking about: your eyes lock with a total stranger, and you feel an undeniable pull toward that person that's more than just thinking they're hot. Everything in you wants to pursue and be close to this person. Don't ever let anybody tell you to dismiss a pull like this. Enjoy the butterflies and the newness and the mystery and the chase. These things are beautiful for what they are, and you should relish them all the more because of their fleeting nature.

But don't ever confuse attraction with love. Attraction is largely the function of mundane scientific stuff: the shape of someone's eyes, the angle at which they sit, the pheromones attacking you. Real love is going through everything with someone -- the epic parties, the heartfelt talks, the let-downs, the crises -- and still feeling affection, appreciation, and respect for them. Real love is spending every day with someone, through the beauty and the stress, and still wanting to spend every day with that person. Don't get me wrong: attraction at first sight should always be investigated thoroughly because it can be the beginning of real love. It can be the first step to getting there. Just don't base any long-term choices off of it, okay? Those old couples that are still happy after 50 years had a healthy dose of luck that you may not be as fortunate to receive.

Jack: I pretty much agree with Tess on this, I just have a slightly different take. We've all felt that immediate connection, whether it be physical or emotional, and it has tricked us all into believing that this new person could be the real deal. All of a sudden you're daydreaming about spending weekends taking winery tours in the Blue Ridge Mountains, and apartment hunting together, and other such bullshit, meanwhile you just met this person in a coffee shop and have known him/her for 5 minutes.

These old people and their ridiculous notions of love and romance just don't register for me. One, they're old and out of touch with the current state of love and sex. Two, you were not expected to experiment and bed-hop like a little trollop back in the day. You were expected to meet at the sock hop and fall in love. Then you were expected to wait until marriage to consummate your love. Uhhhh, sorry old people, but eff that.

I've felt the incredible pull of my heart strings (and groin strings) after first meeting a girl, and I've floated on cloud nine a few times. But usually I'm contemplating splitting their head (or possibly my own) open with a pick axe by week's end. Love at first sight= total myth.

Question #2

Hi, I'm a 28 year old male. I consider myself pretty normal. I try to stay fit, I work a solid 9 to 5 at a reputable insurance company, I hang out with friends and I have a few drinks on the weekends. My problem is, I can't seem to get the girl. I don't feel like I'm socially awkward and I'm not a particularly bad looking feller - I just always seem to lose the girl to the more interesting guy, or the more "pretty" guy, or the Doctor, or some asshole who writes a blog and bartends (no offense Jack), etc. The knock on me is I guess I'm sort of a "plain Jane". Do I need more hobbies? Do I need to change something? I want to be out dating and having funny stories to tell when my friends and I inevitably talk about sex. I want an awesome girl to be with and I feel like I deserve it. Lay it on me Robot Hearts...
---Ready To Get In The Game in Henrico

Jack: The first thing you have to learn is that a great number of women are shallow. They will always see that M.D. before a name, and they will see a man's looks, and they will instantly be drawn to money. Calm down, Tess, I know that not all women are like this...and the ones that are will never admit to it. But it's true. The looks thing? Well, there's not much you can do there. But everything else is fair game. Money and status aside, woman are drawn to a man who is enraptured with something. It could be his work fixing cleft palates on Ugandan refugees, his dancing skills, his ability to sell insurance, or it could be his talent for being an asshole and writing a blog. Whatever you really like to do, there's a market of women out there who would be into you because of it. Can you honestly say you have anything in your life that makes you stand out among other men? Think about it...

Most women (including Tess) will say that you sound like a catch and that you aren't meeting the right women, but they're wrong. If you are, in fact, meeting any women, or attempting to meet women and then failing with them, then it's not them. It's you.

So yeah, you do sound a bit bland or "plain Jane" as you put it. Until you decide to stand out amongst the cookie-cutter masses of guys we have here in Richmond and tweak or completely alter something with yourself, then you will continue to have a boring existence, occasionally sleeping with the same tired girls who frequent the Fan bars or wherever you hang out. Eventually you will marry another "plain Jane" and that will be it. Does this sound like the life you want?

Tess: I agree that lots of women always fall for The Guy They Can't Have, or The Guy Who's Obsessed With Some Cause or Pursuit, etc. It makes perfect sense. People don't wake up in the morning and say "Today I'm going to find someone boring and plain to spend the rest of my life with." They want to find someone with a little more zazz. You probably do need to change something about what you're doing, but I don't think you necessarily need to put on your plumage and start fighting for domination over the other males. You want somebody that you don't have to put on a show for; someone who naturally sees value in you.

The problem might be a combination of the following: (1) You haven't really identified what it is about you that makes you amazing, and (2) Girls haven't gotten enough of a chance to see what's amazing about you. Perhaps you do have some interests or personality traits (you're funny, or you analyze things way too much in a charming sort of way) that would be attractive to certain women. When you meet someone new, try bringing up these interests and traits, and see if you have those things in common. If it's a yes, then find a way to see that woman often. Some people don't start to fall in love with others until they've been around them tons of times and seen all the little endearing things they do.

The other thing is that you're trying really hard to "get someone." At the risk of sounding trite, I'll say what I know is true: When you stop looking and become completely happy being on your own, that's when she'll find you.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Also, check out past columns at Robot Hearts, keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth, and see what Tess is up to over at Parasol Party.

Robot Hearts: Lady-friend woes

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 11:30:02 +0000

Question #1

I have a problem of the grodiest degree. I've been married for several years, and my wife continually embarrasses me by making inappropriate, crass comments. Whether it's posting her menstrual cycle calendar proudly on the kitchen bulletin board, making a fart joke at a party, or tweeting her bodily functions for the whole internet to see, I'm always left feeling grossed out and humiliated. My attempts to discuss this with her have failed because she says I'm just "being uptight." She is an otherwise great person, and I don't want this stupid issue to keep tainting our life together. What do I do?
-Nearly Neanderthal in Lakeside

Tess: "Well shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior."

First, you should give discussion another try. If she tries to use the excuse that you're being "uptight," defend yourself. Bodily functions are indeed just basic physical features of the human body, and therefore nothing to guffaw about or parade as the only topic of conversation available. Also, make sure that she grasps how much her behavior embarrasses you. If a friend respectfully requests that you avoid a given subject, you do so out of courtesy and love for them -- regardless of how you actually feel about the subject. Why should this situation be any different? If nothing else, you can reach a compromise wherein she would refrain from crassness while in your presence, and burp the alphabet to her heart's content when in like company.

If talking about it doesn't work, you can always adjust your own ways. Instead of hiding from her outbursts or getting angry, just lead by example and ignore her attempts at humor. If a response from you is absolutely necessary, a sincere "Please pardon her" or just an apologetic look will absolve you from being lumped in with her as a neanderthal. Keep in mind that she is most likely using the gross-out shtick as a crutch. If she doesn't shock people, she may have to be interesting, and she is desperately afraid that she won't be able to deliver. If you make efforts to draw her out in conversation, and to bring up the interests and talents that make her who she really is, in time your positive reinforcement could alleviate her need for potty humor.

Jack: Hmm, yes, "draw out conversation" and "talents that make her who she really is". Great plan, Tess, now go back to fantasy land and let the men talk turkey here. The main question I have is wouldn't you notice that someone is crass or disgustingly inappropriate during the courtship period? This has just recently become a problem? To be honest, she sounds terrific, and I should one day be so lucky to have a woman who will push the envelope with poop humor at stuffy get togethers. And really, isn't twatting about how you dropped a turd so foul that you nicknamed it Hiroshima the only possible way to make Twitter interesting? (Stephen Colbert recently coined the term "twatting" as the past tense of "tweeting". Ex. I got home after work and twatted about my hemorrhoids before dinner.)

My advice: Fight fire with fire and start grossing her out. It may be out of character for you to drop awkward disgusting jokes, but trust me, it comes pretty naturally with a bit of practice. It will probably only take one super over-the-top gross-out before she will realize the error of her ways. Try "accidentally" farting in front of her friends, and then when someone complains about the smell, grab your ass and be like, "Uh oh, looks like my O-ring is still all loose from that new strap-on you used on me earlier honey!" Then laugh as hard as humanly possible, all the while holding your hand up and beckoning the other party-goers to high-five you. If that doesn't work, and she can still make crass comments, well, I'd recommend getting a divorce... or you could just not complain anymore about a problem that I'm sure many other men would enjoy having with their wives.

Question #2

I moved in with my girlfriend six months ago. Before that we had been together for a year. During that year we had a mind-blowing sex life and it seemed like a day didn't go by where we didn't beg to be naked together. Now though, things have changed. At first when we moved in the sex was still steady but then for whatever reason she started to lose her sex drive and all of a sudden (at month 6 of living together) we now have sex about once every two weeks. She insists that nothing has changed and that she loves me dearly, but for whatever reason she just doesn't want to have sex all that much. So now I'm living with a girl who I truly do love and care for, but I never get any sex. We're not married, we have no kids and we are both 29 years old. What are my options here?
-Undersexed in Richmond

Jack: That's a real humdinger there. You commit to a girl by saying "I love you", you move in together in your twenties, and now the getting just ain't as good as when the getting was really good. My initial gut-response is to say that you're extremely lucky that the only real legal connection you two have is a lease, and that there are no children, marriage or money BS involved. I say this because the situation doesn't look good, my man. Do you think that her bodies natural sex drive has decreased, or do you think that her sex drive for you has decreased? It's most likely the latter. So now you're faced with a dilemma. You love her, but there is no real physical connection anymore. Are you prepared for a life of infrequent sex and having to remember 8 different passwords to all the internet porn sites you will (eventually) belong to? I know I'm not, but it's easy for me to say that when I'm not in love or living with a girl.

I say you sit her down and just lay it all on the line. Be like, "I love ya baby, but I'm a man with needs. So if you can't give me the lovin' I deserve, then I'm packing my bags" (that would've made for a great Otis Redding ballad). Although regardless of what you do, I have a feeling that the sex or your relationship will never regain the passion that it had in the first year.

Okay Tess, go ahead and tell them to seek "couples counseling" or some other nonsense. Go on, I know you want to say it.

Tess: Wow, Jack, it seems as though you know what the right answers are, but you just have to give the stereotypically bone-headed answer so that everyone will know just how cray-zay and trend-bucking you are! Mission a-fricking-ccomplished. We're all watching you in detached disgust awe!

But truly, Undersexed, don't hustle down to the counselor's office at every sign of a conundrum before even having a discussion about it with your girl. You seem to think you're in some new, unheard of situation. NEWS FLASH: according to everyone on the planet, sex frequency sometimes decreases after you've been with someone for a long time. You are in the same boat as the rest of the known world. There are entire (awful) sitcoms based on the assumption that this situation is inevitable.

Do talk to her about it, but don't say "put out or we're through." Putting more pressure on her will probably diminish her desire to perform, not increase it. Get out of the "what can I get from my partner?" mind frame, and start asking what you can give. Sit down together and come up with a list of things you can both work on to improve things. You have a right to ask for affection, but being in a serious relationship is hard work, and you both need to put some effort into it.

As a painfully obvious side note, sex is not the only thing that matters, or the only way you can feel loved and fulfilled. If "getting some" is the only reason you're in this relationship, don't waste any more of this girl's time.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.

Jack’s St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl

Jack Lauterback — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 01:47:41 +0000

As a veteran of a whopping three St. Patrick’s Days in Richmond and a self-proclaimed “bar and social critic,” I felt like I would take it upon myself to give the readers of RVANews some pointers and suggestions for attacking St. Patty’s and getting the most out of your day... most of which you probably won’t remember.

Upon rising for the day I recommend watching the opening scenes to the crime thriller classic, Boondock Saints. While trying to emulate Connor and Murphy McManus is not recommended, try and draw inspiration from their reckless abandonment of societal rules - this inspiration will serve you well later on in the day. Another tip to take from the opening scenes: Don’t enter an Irish bar, in South Boston, on St. Patty’s, if you aren’t friendly with the Irish Patrons or you are a Russian mobster. I can’t stress this enough; your day will not end well.

Make a plan of attack including transportation methods. The cops are out in full force and I already know of 48* DUI checkpoints that day. Almost everyone and their mother knows not to drive on St. Patty’s, but lucky for the cops and their quotas, Richmond is full of drunken morons, and there will be many, many, many people being put in the clink. Here’s a toast to sleeping in the back seat of your car, or at some girl’s place after you buy her 8 Irish Car Bombs at Siné.

What to drink? DON’T DRINK green beer. Who likes to drink Miller Lite with green food coloring in it? Sorority girls, that’s who, and even though sorority girls (drunken ones) are awesome, don’t let them determine your choice of beverage. DO DRINK Guiness, Harp, and Smithwicks. DO DRINK Jameson, Bushmills, Middletons, Kilbeggan, Tullamore Dew, and Michael Collins. Hell, I’ll even give the green light to drinking some Baileys Irish Cream (as long as it’s mixed with Jameson and then dropped into a half-pint of Guinness).

“Jack Approved” places to go in Richmond for St. Patrick's Day:

McCormacks

Authentic Irish e’erthing, right down to the owner and his mohawk. You tend to get more people looking to celebrate Ireland and Irish music (especially the Punk variety), and less of the drunken masses that you will find at my next place….

Siné

Okay so everyone and their mother comes here. In fact, I think I saw my mom in the mile-long line last time (I laughed at her from the window and kept drinking). If you can deal with the obnoxious crowd, Sine is a blast on the big day. They have about 15 bars set up throughout, and I can verify that the bar staff will be attentive and on point, mostly because after St Pat’s Day they can probably all go put a down payment on a new condo. Good place for single, slightly beer-bloated young ladies on the big day who would probably go home with anyone who asks (I’m not even remotely joking about that).

Rosie Connolly’s

You won’t be able to get in because of the size of the joint, but if you do, count yourself lucky. That is an Irish bar where one can be proud to pound 11 shots of Bushies (Bushmills) and then vomit on the floor while in a fist fight with one of the bouncers.

O'Tooles

I gotta rep the Southside here. They do it up right with tents and a bunch of other Irish shit. I was there once on St. Pat’s, but I can’t recall much so I won’t make up anything about it. If you live near Forest Hill or somewhere on the South Sizzle, this is worth a look.

Bailey's Pub

(Southside or West End). Yes, it’s a chain sports bar that masquerades as an Irish bar because of it’s name, but seriously, Bailey’s rocks. If I don’t get falling down drunk on Bailey’s Southside at least once every few weeks, then, well, wait, I always get falling down drunk at Baileys. Overlook the sky-high prices and check it out.

Shamrock the Block

The yearly festival**, fight night, and vomitorium held on 17th street between Grace and Main. Bands, booze, and a throng of crazy people. If you can withstand dodging a few fights and dealing with shoulder to shoulder masses, then this is a fun party. One piece of advice: Get the hell out of there before 5 or 6 pm. It reminded me of my last tour in Bosnia at that hour.

In conclusion, St.Patrick’s Day is basically amateur drinking day number two behind New Year's, and you would be foolish to get your hopes up too high. Attempt to drink in moderation until at least 11 AM and be careful on the roads. Stay with groups of friends and be Irish for one day. Or if you already are Irish (my apologies to you), be even more Irish for the day. Also be sure to wear green, as the titty-twisters and snake-biters will be out in full force. I learned this the hard way one year.

*I made that number up.
**Don't forget, Shamrock the Block has been rescheduled for March 28th. Go here for more information.

Robot Hearts: On moving on and moving too fast

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:00:31 +0000

Editor's note: The time has come for Susan to move away from Robot Hearts and on to bigger and better things. But, don't worry, ladies! The wonderful Tess Dixon has graciously decided to come on board. She has written for us before, and you can also read more from her on her blog.

Question #1

My ex-husband broke my heart, moved out, and disappeared for a while. It's been a hard few months, but I've moved on, and things are looking up now. My problem is that lately, my ex has been showing up at my house. He wants to come in and either talk about money issues or unload yet another lengthy explanation of why I'm actually better off without him. As his closest companion for several years, I feel somewhat obligated to give him a sympathetic ear. But how far do my obligations extend, and how do I gracefully make it clear that his visits and explanations are unwelcome?
-Collecting Barnacles in the Fan

Tess: He can concoct any number of speeches about the validity of the breakup, but if this guy's feet keep bringing him back to your living room, it's obvious that he doesn't feel that things are really "over." He is probably using these conversations as excuses to still feel connected to you in some way, or as an effort to rid himself of his crushing sense of guilt -- like if you suddenly see some Big Reason for the breakup in your life, he will feel absolved from any pain that he caused.

For the purposes at hand, you need to forget about your past with him and think of him as just another person. The only true obligations you have toward him are the obligations that any two humans have toward each other: common decency and granting simple requests (when possible). Since you have already put up with his intrusions several times, I'd say you've fulfilled your obligations.

As for a plan of action, it should be as simple as telling him to please stop coming to the house. But if he's the kind of guy who won't give something a rest until he fully makes sense of it, you should first make sure that you've answered all of his questions as completely as possible. It may be prudent to write a short letter that explains exactly why his presence is no longer required on your doorstep. This will provide tangible closure, and this way you won't be constantly interrupted or talked over (as is the case with many verbal conversations).

Jack: Wow, the new girl Tess bringing actual advice to the table. We might be able to fool people into reading this column for something other than entertainment.

Well shit, as a man (boy) who once balked at a girl staying at his apartment past 11 AM, I'm sort of out of my element here. But I'll still give you my opinion (which is as good as gold). Do you still love this guy? Let's pretend you said "no".

Just man up and tell him that you have to move on and that he needs to vacate your life. If you know him well enough (and he's not Chris Brown) then you will probably come out unscathed, and he'll have his feelings and his heart hurt for a bit. But fuck it, you've had a broken heart too. I know that it's easy to say "move on"...so...I'll say it. Move on.

You need to meet a new friend or a lover who is also looking for love (Urban Cowboy anyone? anyone?). I'd suggest stopping by this place I keep hearing about...uhh, what's it called again? Oh, it's Cha Cha's Cantina...where everyone is awesome and the bartender has hair that rivals Brad Pitt's do from Fight Club (which was perfectly coiffed).

Robot Hearts: Using shameless plugs to cover up inexperience and weak advice since Jan 09'.

Question #2:

(Preface: Male: 27 years old, Female: 22 years old) So I met this girl a week ago at a bar. She seemed nice and intelligent, in addition to being beautiful. I was very excited for our date. I waited a few days, phoned her and set up it up. I took her out, expecting a few drinks and a "getting to know each other" session. Instead she decided that we were going to get trashed. Okay cool, I'm a man, I didn't balk at her plans. The problem with this situation is this: We had a great time, we had great conversation and yes, we got trashed. I was smitten before the appetizer. Then...da da da da dum... We ended up sleeping together on the first night. The question is, how serious can I take this girl? She's 22. She's smart. She's pretty. She let me violate her on the first night and didn't even ask me to wear a condom (I did anyways).... WTF????
-Confused in the River District, Richmond

Jack: If there was ever a question that I could dominate, this is it. You hung a curve ball out there and I'm like Alex Rodriguez when he was juicing.

Traditional values and mores will tell you that she's a ho fa sho, but it's 2009, baby. I know that MOST of the readers of this column will disagree, but it's a fact that sleeping with someone on the first date is not taboo anymore. In urban areas, old fashioned values just don't carry as much weight as they used to, and I know many lead pipe strong relationships that originated from a first night bang. Sex doesn't hold that secret stigma these days, which to many people's dismay (including me), sucks balls. But it's life.

You need to look past the first night sex and take a strong look at her as a person. It's not hard to tell if a 22 year old girl is on your level....or on Heidi Fleiss's level. If you really like her, then forget about what happened and keep getting to know her. I'd like to believe that you can turn a "ho" into a "housewife".

At the very least you got sex, which I hear is fun. I'd be willing to bet that if you think that she's that smart and that awesome, things will turn out alright. Uhh, maybe...

Tess: Very astute of you, my dear Confused, to feel suspicious of this girl for sleeping with you on the first date. It makes sense that when a girl chooses to sleep with you right off the bat, you say "Hmmm...is this a habit of hers?" And then come the rapid-fire conjectures of how many men she's been with, whether you're adequate, etc. etc (see previous Robot Hearts column "Lighting one fire and putting out another"). But before you assume too much, keep in mind that you don't know everything about her. It's possible that this could be a fluke, and she doesn't normally behave that way. And you shouldn't assume that it's always the female's responsibility to impose a waiting period on having sex. Perhaps she is thinking the same thing about you right now -- "Why did that sleazeball let me sleep with him on the first date? Can I take him seriously?" So perhaps you should be asking whether to take yourself seriously.

The question is not whether or not you can turn a "ho" into a "housewife." It's why in the holy name of Nathaniel Hawthorne would you ever want to?

Even if she is worthy and intelligent, you need to ask yourself if you'll be able to respect her now. The fact that you are asking an advice column if you can take this woman seriously, instead of running through the streets calling her name in West Side Story fashion, tells me that you've already made your decision.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.

Exactly how into me are you, then?

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 13:00:22 +0000

Question #1

I'm hoping you could help me figure out how to deal with a situation I have. I'm female, 22, with a serious boyfriend, and we spend a lot of time out socializing. All of these things are fine, but it seems like lately everywhere I go I run into this guy I had a few classes with at VCU. At first, I'd only see him every once in awhile at Cous Cous, and I just thought "Oh, there's that guy, he must hang out here a lot." But seems like these days he is everywhere. I'm almost surprised if I walk into a place and he's NOT there, sitting at the bar and staring at me. I almost want to direct him to you guys' column last week so he can just go ahead and try some dumb line and I can shoot him down and get it over with, but either he's paralyzed with fear or he really just enjoys watching me from a distance. Or maybe it's all in my head? Either way, it's starting to make me feel weird, and I'd really like to handle it in a way that doesn't involve my boyfriend, who keeps threatening to go over there and do whatever it is boys do to intimidate each other. Is there a scenario in which I can make this stop without making a big scene?
-Why Don't You Take a Picture, It'll Last Longer

Susan: Ah, finally! Some females in distress! With all of you guys plotting and scheming and strategizing with each other, trying to work up the courage to go talk to another human being, somewhere on the other end of that equation is a girl thinking, "Quit stalking me." JK JK, there are tons of (single) (and maybe not single??) ladies who would just love to hear what you've come up with, but if you're the kind of guy like the above who persists in his dogged yet passive pursuit despite obvious context clues that he should abort his mission, I want you to pay close attention to what I'm about to tell Picture, here, so you can recognize this behavior when it's directed at you and immediately and without hesitation drop your eyes and shuffle away.

OK, sister, here is what you do to instantly make this situation go away. Wait, first can we talk about whether or not you truly want it to go away? I mean this with the greatest respect and envy, but you are 21 and I would imagine it feels pretty good to think that some dude is addicted to the sight of you. That is normal and healthy and all that, I think people just don't like to admit it. So talk to yourself privately and if you are still 100% willing to remove one creepy fan from your creepy fan roster, let's proceed. (For the record, I recommend doing just that. No point stringing anyone along so you can feel good about yourself.)

Are you ready? Here goes. Walk up to your captive audience, sit down, and smile brilliantly at him. My money's on him getting scared and walking away. Think about it, he's been too scared to make a move during the last ten times you've seen him. Even Justin Morgan would have done SOMEthing by now - finagled an encounter in the parking lot, accidentally spilled his drink on you, painted you a tiny self-portrait... It would have been something clumsy but at least the ice would have been broken. This guy is quite possible content watching from afar. And if you're not content with being watched, I'm honestly convinced that it's as simple as directly engineering a direct exchange and I bet he will mumble an excuse and run away. Especially if you bring your boyfriend.

Jack: Ha! You women and your crazy, completely nonsensical scenarios. So, you see this guy you went to school with all the time? First of all, it's Richmond and it's small. If you don't run into at least one ex-fling or someone you know everything single time you go out...then, you must never go out. That being said, I'll humor you. Okay so let's just say that this guy is stalking you or is afraid of you or whatever. So what? Think of it this way: most people go their whole lives without someone being obsessed with them -- and these people then end up in the possession of many cats. You already have one stalker at the tender age of 22! You could potentially have 15 or 16 stalkers under your belt by the age of 30. So let's look at this glass as half full here, lady.

Basically, my best advice would be to ignore it. Until he starts sending you pictures out of magazines with the eyes blacked out or you see him rummaging through your trash at 4 AM, you have nothing to fear.

Of course I say this now, but then next week the headline in the Richmond Times Dispatch will read, "Local 22 Year Old Girl's Skin Used As Full Body Jump Suit." And well, I'll feel sort of bad if that happens.

Susan: I don't disagree. At this point the guy's done nothing but make your skin crawl and your boyfriend irritable and jealous. And what are boyfriends for if not to be irritable and jealous? Maybe you just need to ignore it as much as possible until things get truly weird. Then here's what you do. You write down all the weird stuff in an email and send it to robothearts@rvanews.com and we'll get a team of our best people riiiiight on it.

Question #2

I have a question that I think would be interesting for you guys. I am a 25-year-old gay male, and I have a major crush on another 25-year-old male. The problem is, he's isn't gay or, at least, he isn't outwardly gay. He overtly flirts with me every time he sees me and even gives me big bear hugs, but I hear from everyone that he only dates women. I've become good friends with the guy, but I don't know how to broach the subject of my crush on him without freaking him out or making things weird between us. How should I go about this? (Jack, I'm sure you have had a gay crush confess their undying love to you at least once).
- Wishing He Would See Me As Something More

Jack: I have had a gay admirer or three in my day, and it's always flattering, but I've never been persuaded to switch teams. I guess it all comes down to whether or not you're willing to take the risk. Unless this guy is some huge homophobic dickhead, which doesn't sound like the case, it's doubtful that it would ruin the friendship if you told him how you feel. Believe it or not, most straight guys love getting attention from gay dudes. I once had a discussion with some straight friends and we decided that if a number of gay men like you or want your booty hole, then it should automatically translate into more women liking you. Gay men are very discerning and, in my experience, have better taste than most women. Hell, other than my intense love of the female woo-hah, I might as well be gay due to my crippling Aqua Net addiction and the number of dramatic, overly emotional scenes I have with whomever I'm interested in at the moment. Hair product and emotional scenes are gay trademarks, right? Guys?

In this situation I think you take it old school and write him a note. Be like, "I don't think you're gay but if you are or are ever considering going to the brownside, I like you and I just wanted you to know." Don't make a scene and be discreet. Hopefully he'll appreciate your honesty, regardless of his response. And if worse comes to worse, just get him really shithoused one night and trick him into bed. I've heard this works on some straight guys. Luckily for me I have the tolerance of a late-stage alcoholic horse and can only be tricked by really unattractive women. Sad but true.

Susan: Sorry, my brain goes into standby mode automatically now when Jack starts pontificating about how hot everyone finds him, and it might take me a second to shake that off. OK, where were we...tired old cat lady joke...full body jump suit...ah, right, I'm up to speed: gay dudes love Jack yet his machismo remains intact as he insists he only nails chick after chick after chick. That old chestnut!

I think males have it both tougher and easier in this scenario then, say, a forlorn lesbian. I say "tougher" because you run the risk of a muscular bartender feeling threatened and then slashing your tires/secretly submitting your question to his own advice column in order to shake off his own insecurities. And I say "easier" because friendships between males seem to the casual observer to be a little less complicated than those between women. If guys I know are mad at each other, they tend to just break off communications for awhile, reconnecting later on when the whole thing is forgotten or someone needs a ride to the Guitar Hero Tournament Featuring Free Beer. Hopefully the genial awkwardness tendency will overpower the acting out tendency, and I think it might, since Jack pointed out that he's your pal already and that's a start. Who knows, maybe he'll be so flattered that yet another person wants to get in his pants that he will be overjoyed at the news and excitedly tell all his pals at Cha-Cha's. My advice is to suck it up and have a pleasant, straightforward conversation with your big man-crush, and find out the information you want to know. If it's in your favor, hooray! If it's (more likely) not, then you'll get over it that much more quickly. I'd say the same thing to a straight person. It's 2009! If they can't handle being reasonably crushed on by a member of their own sex, they need to get with the program.

Jack: Guitar Hero Tourney with free beer?!?! You had me at Guh. Tis true, it's 2009. Gay, Black, White. Purple... Can't we all just be friends without benefits?

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.

Robot Hearts: He said, He said

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:00:02 +0000

A note from our guest Robot Heart, Justin Morgan: This week, Susan takes a well-deserved break from breaking apart hearts and films to cavort dionysianly in the booze-drenched deep south. As pretty much the least robot-hearted person in Richmond, I’ve been inserted into the Robot Hearts lineup mostly I think because the RVANews editors want to see whether Jack and I writing an article together causes the server to explode. Also don’t forget to join us Saturday from 4-9 for the Robot Hearts Happy Hour being hosted by Cha Cha's Cantina and Jack himself (he's actually a pretty nice guy in person...when he's sober).

Question #1

I just got out of a medium-length relationship. As a regular Robot Hearts reader, I know better than to get immediately tied up into a lot of commitment with someone new. I don't want to be super lonely though. I just think it would be good to do a little casual dating.
But I don't meet many girls and I am kind of shy. Can Robot Hearts teach me how to talk to women?
-"Craig" in Carytown

Justin: Well, Craig, I can assure you immediately that you've come to either the very best or the absolute worst place for this advice. Plus, unlike Jack, who is a super good looking, extroverted, 6'10" bartender, I'm just a normal everyday dude. Can I call Jack good-looking on the internet? I mean, we're all secure in our manhoods over here at RVANews, right?

No, Craig, you and I are practically brothers, here: normal, real men, men who don't have hot women putting bar tips in our jeans every night and who need real girl-chatting advice that doesn't boil down, like most dating-advice on the internet, to "be extroverted". Here are my tips, all from personal experience:

1) Don't ask a girl who just walked empty handed out of a store if she just shoplifted something. She will scowl at you and say "No!" and walk away. I tried this once.

2) Do initiate normal conversations, not creepy jokes and pick-up lines. For example, "Are you ticklish?" is not a good question to use on someone you haven't met I have found.

3) Don't fall in love immediately. I have no idea if this helps you with women, I just know that it protects you from disappointment, particularly if you've had more than one of those super dark beers they have over at Ipanema.

What do you think, Jack? I swear if you tell ol' Craig to "be himself" while giving him advice that clearly causes him to deviate drastically from his personality I will leave a sternly-worded comment.

Jack: Damn Justin, it's difficult to make fun of you when you say such nice things about me, but I will anyways. While it helps that I'm 7'3", extroverted and I work at a busy bar that many many girls frequent, it certainly doesn't guarantee anything.

Craig, I'm not going to sit here and give you the whole spiel about joining clubs, doing new activities, etc. I'm also not going to list cutesy little tips for you like some other dating column writers would do, cough cough, Justin Morgan, cough. The only thing you can do to start meeting women is....drumroll....

Just walk up and start talking to her.

That's it. Then when you see another girl, you do the same, and then again, and again, and again. You will never just become good with women, or meet the willowy brunette you have a crush on at the party, if you don't just suck it up and risk getting rejected. Lucky for you and Justin though, the law of averages says that eventually a girl will take pity on you and BOOM! You got the girl.

Richmond is also an easy place to meet women because very few non-drunken assholes will actually approach women. Go to a large city and you have about 30 self-proclaimed "pick-up artists" in every bar.

Justin: Yeah, but what do you say? “H-H-Hi?” “Your eyes are pretty?” “Do you like science fiction?” Like do you go immediately for the I-think-you’re-hot kill, or do you hang back and pretend to be normal for a while?

Also, that’s not how the Law of Averages works. You see, Jack, [Editor’s note: 2,300 words about math are removed. You’re welcome.]

Jack: Justin, refuting my Law of Averages and mentioning SciFi in your response makes me wonder if you are not actually this "Craig" we're trying to help out. Nevertheless, there is no magic pick up formula. Just say "Hi" and grin like an idiot. This approach hasn't failed me yet (except for the 113 times it has, in fact, failed me).

Question #2

I'm a 26 year old male and I've been seeing a girl (who is 25) for about 4 months now. At first I thought she had real girlfriend potential, but after about a month and a half I came to see that the only thing I really enjoyed about her was the mind-blowing sex we were having. She looks at me with love her in her eyes, and I look at her with nothing but lust in mine. It's gotten to the point that I can barely listen to her incessant babbling without visibly cringing, yet I can't break up with her because I'm addicted to the sex. Is it possible to end the "relationship" part and still retain the sex? If so, how does the RoboHeart team recommend doing it?
-"Vagmatized" in Shockoe Slip, Richmond VA.

Jack: The good news is that it can be done. The bad news is, depending on her level of emotions for you, it probably won't be easy. The obvious method is to be honest and to tell her that you aren't ready for a relationship with her, but that you love the sex and that you would really like to continue coming over and slapping hams for about 20 to 30 minutes every week. I'd say half the girls who hear this will act like they don't mind and they'll say that they “weren't all that into you anyways" in an effort to save face. They will then continue sleeping with you under the delusion that they can win back your love. The other half will probably flat out refuse to keep this arrangement. That's when you may have to take an admittedly, somewhat dishonest route to achieving your goal. There are a million different stories, or "lies" (although lets try not to use that word), that you can tell her, but here's what you do. Sit her down and say...

"I (insert fabricated "tough" relationship and/or life story here), and while I still want nothing more than to be with you, I need to do a lot of soul-searching in the next few months. I have to explore some things on my own for a bit."

Be tough yet gentle. To her you are now a troubled soul with a heart of gold. Kiss her on the forehead, dry her eye and walk away.

The door is now open for at least fifteen drunken 2 AM booty calls. Of course none of this will end well, but nothing concerning sex and deceptiveness ever does anyways. Just try not to think of the long term mental damage you're doing to this poor girl. Justin, since I'm assuming they brought you in to give the girl's point of view this week, what frilly-laced, non-real world advice do you have?

Justin: I can’t tell whether to be offended or to be offended. First of all, slapping what now?

Jack: Hams.

Justin: Let’s just move on. Second of all, if the girl in question is gazing with love into our friend’s eyes, she needs to be cut 100% loose. It’s better to put the relationship out of its poor, limping misery than to try to keep it going in some sort of machine-assisted parody of life. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time looking for someone you can actually talk to than painfully struggling through uncomfortable interactions just so you can do something dishonest?

I say such things, but I don’t really know how to “spend time looking for someone” in practice. Let me, therefore, translate into real world English: wouldn’t you rather be lonely after taking a principled stand against manipulating women? I know I would.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.

Robot Hearts: Making the most of the Internets

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:21:07 +0000

I've decided that I'm going to go ahead and bite the bullet and post some sort of online ad. I've been set up on blind dates by friends and by dating websites, and I'm starting to really believe that no matter how much a person fits your supposed criteria, you're still starting from scratch, so I might as well put out a call. At this point, I'm just trying to find someone to date, as all my friends are married and settled down and I'm home alone with my new Blu-ray player. Where should I post it and what do you think I should say?
-"Taking the bull by the horns" in the Fan

Susan: I'm screwing a friend over by letting out this well-kept secret, but in his words, "Standing out among the m4w crowd on Craigslist is like falling out of bed." Apparently, the competition is slim and the response is enthusiastic. Again in his words, all he did was stick to this formula:

The title and first paragraph were "here is a fun thing i like to do and would want to do with you on a date." then it was "here are cute facts about me." then it was "you will like me if you are this type of person."

He worries that the girls who scope out Craigslist ads may not be the kind of droids he's looking for but...no, wait. Wait right there. I scope out Craigslist ads all the time. Not because I'm seeking a third party for my marriage (THIS JUST IN: collective disappointed sighs hover over Richmond, VA like a sad storm cloud) or because I had a missed connection but, like everyone else, I need a break from work/movie reviews/advice columns/making ice cream and want to see what other people have deemed appropriate to post on the internet THIS week.

And, using that age old soothing logic, this guy's a catch and HE's on Craigslist, so why couldn't a likely female prospect be? You don't have to be a member of anything, you certainly don't pay anything, and you're in charge of your own screening...I'd say you're much more likely to reach a population that is less desperate for dates that way. And if no one responds then you're no worse off (my friend got four enthusiastic responses within 24 hours). At the very least you get to go out on a date that you can blog about, should that sort of thing be your bag.

Jack: Craigslist?! Really? I mean, wait, really?!!!? You're encouraging this person to try and meet someone meaningful through Craiglist? Now don't get me wrong, Craiglist is easily the most useful creation in the history of the internet. I buy my concert tickets there, I find cheap second hand underwear there, I find places to live there, and I even find creepy people like me who want nothing more than to have someone faux-break into their apartment and play out a fantasy rape scenario on them (where the safety word is "Bananas"). But a blind date with a Craigslister? I'm just not convinced.

As a rule I think that internet dating sites and anything of the sort is for people who are lazy and/or scared of the real world, but since I have to actually try to answer the original question, here are my two cents: Go to the reputable sites (I guess something like Match.com or Chemistry.com) and take that route. It's cheap and apparently their screening process involves more than just letting anonymous assholes post whatever they want about themselves. Plus this way you won't get your head hacked off in Au Bon by some nut bag you met on Craigs.

My real answer though is to join all of the crap you can (clubs, gyms, dodgeball, etc) and step away from the Blu-ray. There are far too many people just as desperate as you out there and they want nothing more than to get in a relationship and to immediately get married to someone, or anyone, or whomever comes along first, or to that hobo with his pants down on the corner, or to....oh please god will someone just pretend like they love me!

Susan: I mean, believe me, as we proved in our last issue, I am all for being cautious, if electronic dating (or just electronic seeking?) is the path you have chosen. However, I have to agree that "getting out there" (or "joining crap" as the above gentleman puts it) seems like the most effective way to meet someone who shares your interests, but then again it's easy for me to sit back and put together those judgments. I think we all probably tend to forget how frustrating it is to feel like you're just constantly assessing your options, wondering if you were stupid to believe your mom/friends/every romantic comedy ever when they tell you that there is someone out there for everyone. I think a more accurate, less naive way to put it is, "Most people get married," not "Most people find their soul mate." Beware the pressure to settle down with the first person who's willing, and whether you're cruising chicks online or aiming things at their head at dodgeball practice, you need to keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with sticking it out until someone completely rad comes along. You're not on anyone's timetable.

Jack: Well if we're going to go this route (via Craigs or Match) then the real question is, should you lie about yourself and your appearance, or should you keep it real? Clearly "keeping it real" is not working for you in the real world, but I'm hesitant to tell you to lie because I feel bad for the poor sap who thinks he's meeting a slightly older, more "curvy" version of Miley Cyrus, and instead comes to find that you are a significantly older, heavy-set version of Billy Ray Cyrus. I guess you should think of it like a resume for a job you really want. Fudge the truth a smidge but don't overdo it because you know you're going to get caught eventually.

And Suze is right, timetables are no good. You have your whole life to find that certain someone. Unless you're 35+ and considering procreation...because then, well, you better hop on the next guy who is employed and drives anything better than an 88' Volvo Station Wagon. Hell, forget about the car and the job, just go grab that pantsless hobo on the corner and have at it.

I hope this has been helpful.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.

Robot Hearts: Wash that man right out of your hair (and then be careful how you go about getting it dirty again)

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 13:34:06 +0000

Question #1

I have an interesting situation and I wanted to hear some solid advice (Susan) and some so-absurd-it might-just-work-advice (Jack) on the topic. Recently I met a man over the internet. We both belong to a book forum where members exchange book reviews, insights, and other nerdy types of things. I've been emailing with this man, we'll call him "Jason", for a few months now. At first we really hit it off on a very deep, intellectual type of level. I enjoyed his personality and intellect, and we even started to go as far as exchanging insights on sex and dating. In the past month we have escalated this internet courtship and began sending naughty pictures to each other via email and picture text. At first the pics were somewhat innocent (me in a bra, his naked torso, etc.), and then after awhile we started sending full nude pics, including pictures of our faces. I admit, "Jason" turns me on. We send dirty texts almost hourly now and often I find myself fantasizing about him.
He lives two hours away, and now, after 4 months of emailing (1 month of sexual emailing), he wants to meet up. He has even offered to get a hotel room and meet for a one night rendezvous. I consider myself the adventurous type, but should I really be meeting a complete stranger in a random hotel for a filthy sexual encounter? This isn't the movies and I'm pretty sure that he isn't going to be as nice as Tom Hanks. I'm scared, intrigued, and sort of wondering if this is all a bit slutty. What would Robot Hearts do?
- "You've Got (Dirty) Mail" in the Fan

Susan: Here's my worry with all of this -- I mean besides the obvious safety issues, which I will address in a second. Maybe I'm just supremely awkward, but it's easy for me to imagine heating it up via the internet and texts and whatnot, but the idea of actually meeting someone face to face in a hotel room to whom I have bared my naked self over the internet makes me squirm. That sounds bad. I don't mean I'd rather have electronic relationships than real face-to-face ones, I'm just thinking of the actual first hour, which in my imagination would be so painfully uncomfortable that actually going through with it would be rather daunting. But perhaps you are talented at steamrolling your way through awkward situations involving naked internet pictures, so if you're OK with that, let's move on.

Maybe the reason you're concerned suddenly about this fantasy becoming a reality is that it sounds like at some point there was a shift from "He likes me, he really likes me!" to "He likes my naked pictures, he really likes my naked pictures!" I'd say full speed ahead if it sounded like all you were interested in was a quick night at a hotel, but you mentioned his personality and intellect -- the first things that attracted you to him. Before any pictures were exchanged, you dug this guy, and all of a sudden it's gone from a possibly promising connection with another human being to yet another guy who wants you to lose your clothes. It's not really anyone's fault. Hormones are powerful things, and it doesn't mean that all that banter and shmoozing he was doing in the beginning was some clever ruse. I'd say you need to propose a scenario that is comfortable for you. How about "Why don't we get dinner and see how it goes?" or "Hey, there's a special event happening, would you like to accompany me to it?" or "Why yes, I would love to see you! Within the customary wrappings of denim and cotton that we call clothing!"

If he jumps at that chance (and probably takes that hint to reboot his system and approach this all from the dating angle), then go for it. Just please, please tell at least one person about your plans and your whereabouts, and check in with that person at a previously agreed-upon time. If he loses interest, he's one of those dudes. Discard and move on.

Jack: You done putting me to sleep, Susan? Okay now that Mom has put in her two cents, let's talk turkey. Clearly you have some sexual interest in addition to the intellectual interest with this guy. So where's your Lewis and Clark spirit here? Okay so you should be somewhat safe (bring mace, condoms, have your will prepared) but c'mon!? There is no rule that says a meaningful relationship can't begin with a depraved session of awkward, "Ouch, ouch, you're sort of biting me", somewhat decent sex in a sleazy motel room. If that's a rule, then I want a sit down with the rulebook-maker guy.

It's clear from the tone of your email that you are excited about this situation. You like the attention and the danger of it. Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with breaking free from the bore of dating "bores" and being, well, a bad girl? If you are currently unattached then no, there is not. It's healthy to take a few calculated or, in this case, completely blind risks.

As for Susan's advice to change the sexual rendezvous to a "dinner meeting" or a "special event", uhh yeah, I hope you enjoy emailing with this guy because it's highly likely that you will never be meeting him in person with that move. There are plenty of women who try to pull moves like that and you know what we call these women??? Cat Ladies. They got lots and lots of cats. Cats have replaced men in their lives. Tell 'em Suze.

A side note here: You may want to look for the ol' tan line on the ring finger when you meet him. This setting screams "I'm married!!!"

Susan: You are so despicable sometimes that I can't even respond to you. I'm pretty sure you just said that women who want to be taken out are women who are doomed to cat-hood. Oh, or a relationship. I just realized that you think those two things are the same.

Question #2

OK, I won't bore you with too many details about my cliche relationship problem. Let's just say that I've been with this guy for almost five years, we've never been happy for more than a couple of months at a time, and we've broken up probably fifteen times. Even my closest friends are starting to refuse to listen to me complain anymore, and I don't blame them. I'm sick of it too. It just needs to end so I can move on with my life. That's the problem, though. I think I have a little trouble with that part. I'm not the kind of person who handles these things well (hence the fifteen breakups), and it's extremely difficult for me to run headlong into something that's going to cause me pain. We break up, I feel miserable and lonely, he cries a little and I tell him to come back, just to make the pain go away. Repeat repeat repeat! Any tips on how to break this cycle and get me over the hump?
- "Tired of My Broken Heart" in the Museum District

Jack: This is a question I can actually relate to. I know the vicious cycle of break ups to make ups. There were a few weekends where I broke up with a girl on a Friday afternoon so I could go out that weekend, but then we would inevitably be back in bed saying "I love you" over and over by that Sunday's eve. It sucks to be caught in that vortex and it simply is not good for one's mental health. How can you really love this other person yet still want out of the relationship so badly? And more importantly, how do you finally break free?

This is my answer for pretty much every question on Robot Hearts, but I'm sure any sane person would say the same. You have to get back out in the game and have some fun. Through the fun, you WILL meet someone new. I promise you will, and while this new person may not be the next "love of your life", or even someone you would even cross the street for, they will take your mind off of the ex and help you to move on. It's not even important who the new person is, it's just important for them to be that wedge in the door, or that signal to your brain and to your ex that it's finally over.

Time and separation are the only ways you will really forget about the ex, but to speed up the time-space continuum and get this shit over with, return to dating even if it feels forced. Also, sleeping with a few of these rebound dudes or dudettes is purely optional, but I highly recommend it. Nothing tells an ex-lover that "you're over them" better than finding another guy's boxers and/or condom wrappers on the floor of your apartment when they come to pick up some of their stuff. I found that one out the hard way.

Susan: Well, OK, I'll forestall the dry heaving that your last answer brought upon me (although every time I close my eyes I see the words "have your will prepared" swimming in the darkness) so that I can tentatively agree with you on this one. The answer is other people, ladyfriend. I mean maybe not use guys as "practice sticks" or "whiffle bats" or what have you, but you need to find somebody, anybody, who does at least one thing better than this dude. Because otherwise you will dwell on all the good things (even if the only good thing was one nice comment he made after you took care of his phone bill for him) and conveniently forget the bad things, because at that point the bad things won't seem nearly as bad as sitting in your apartment and watching old episodes of Seinfeld while you convince yourself that he is having the time of his life based on some comments on his MySpace page by girls who are six years younger than you and have names like "Emileigh." Well, guess what, sister. Your suspicions are probably correct. He's probably nailing Emileigh and her friend Jessikaa because guess what, he's finally free from that terrible relationship.

I don't mean to imply that you weren't a magical princess of a girlfriend who he was lucky as hell to be with. But you yourself admit that this relationship is sucking the life out of both parties, so what you need is someone who can make up for everything that dude lacked. Maybe he's hotter, maybe he's a better kisser, maybe he smells nicer. Those things are legit! Go have fun with that for awhile. But at some point there will be a guy who's maybe funnier, maybe easier to get along with, and maybe doesn't make your life anything but easy and beautiful. At that point it make it a lot harder to look wistfully back into the past and say, "But...but...he did once thank me after I made dinner for all of his friends that night he invited them all over to my house to play video games and keep me awake all night."

Seriously, I feel strongly about this. I can't say I've been in You've Got Dirty Mail's situation, but I can definitely say I feel Tired of My Broken Heart's pain. If you make quick with the business of living your life and not somebody else's, you will severely cut short your grieving time, and soon you'll be looking back on that train wreck and genuinely wondering what took you so long. Not one of us is getting any younger. Do not stay at home. Do not brood. Do not even think about scoping his internet presence. This guy is dead to you, and a million other dudes are not.

Jack: It's clear that Susan and I are in agreement here. But there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with girls who are six years younger and have names like Emileigh and Jessikaa. In fact they're what you call....umm, what's that awesome term that I coined?? Oh yeah, they're "practice holes" - huge, gaping practice holes in which to work on your sexual motor-skills and to try out new dirty talk lines with. But I guess that doesn't help your particular situation, Broken Heart.

Suze is right. We are certainly not getting any younger (unless you're Ben Button and god damn is he a fine one) and time is of the essence. Get back on the horse, emotionally and physically.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.

Robot Hearts: Finding Yourself and Your (Ugh) Sensuality

Jack Lauterback — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 12:29:05 +0000

Youth is Wasted on the Unattached

My wife (of several years, I'm currently in my mid twenties) recently left me for another mate, who just so happens to be a woman. Fast forward a few months and I've met someone else. We've been dating a bit for the past 2 months, seeing one another every once in awhile. Things have really started picking up lately, and I find myself talking to her daily, thinking of her constantly. Why am I getting involved with someone after having just been in a long-term relationship? I really can't help falling for this girl--it is a serious connection. I'm just afraid the timings not right, for me mostly. Shouldn't I go through a bachelor (aka Jack Goes Forth) phase? I started to, but seemed to have found myself in a happy spot. Will this happiness last, or will I be yearning for freedom eventually?
-Ross Geller'd in RVA

Jack: The first thing that jumps out about your situation is not the fact that your wife left you for a woman (which I have to assume is not nearly as bad as getting trumped by another man) but it is the fact that you're only in your mid twenties! You've been in a relationship with the same woman for the entirety of your adult life. My first thought about this new fling you've gotten involved in? Run, don't walk, back into singlehood for a minute or two. I understand that you may have feelings for this girl and you think about her a lot, and wah wah etc. But take a step back and have an objective look at the situation. You're in a rough spot, your wife just left you for a strap-on, and it sucks. Do you think that maybe you're rushing into something new because you're lonely and because your former love is already in the less muscular, yet much better moisturized arms of another lover? Are you really ready for all of the baggage and crap that comes with a new relationship?

I'm not advocating acting like I do. Hell, I have trouble maintaining this pace most of the time, but I am saying that you should experiment with being free for a spell. I get all of these divorced 30-35 year old males coming to me and saying, "Why did I settle down in my twenties?! I've wasted my youth!" All I can do is laugh at them and then remind myself not to make the same mistake. You don't know it now, but you just got a "get out of jail free card".

Go and knock out a few "practice holes" (I'm determined for that phrase to catch on), make some poor decisions. For chrissakes man! You're so freakin young!

Susan: I agree with everything Jack just said except the following:

Getting dumped because your significant other is pursuing a relationship with a member of the same sex is better than getting dumped because your significant other is pursuing a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
His wife left him for a strap-on.
The word "lover."
Jack not advocating acting like he does (I guess that's more of a "disbelief" than a "disagreement").
"Practice holes," "practice holes," a thousand times "practice holes."

That leaves these two elements that I do agree with:

Take some time to be alone because being married, as you no doubt already know, means another person is in your face almost all the time. I think it's important to know what it's like to be self-sustaining. That way you know what you really can and can't handle, and what you do and do not need. I also really believe it will help you make a better decision down the road as to who you will choose to be with forever (if anyone). I do NOT think that means you need to get sleazy, but I don't really think that's how Jack means it either. We want you to find you, Ross Geller'd.
Friends references. I will always, always agree with Friends references.

Jack: I don't necessarily agree with the more Friends references. Of course I was a huge fan back in the day, but have you ever gone and rewatched an episode on TBS? That show's shelf life was about a year. Now....it's lame. But wait, what we're we talking about? Oh yes, me being spot on in my assessment of your situation Ross, and Susan agreeing with me.

Other than your #1 disagreement Suze (grow a penis and you would understand why your wife leaving for another man is 10 times worse), I agree with you.

I like how Susan said "self- sustaining". She's right Ross G, you need some "ME" time, and I don't mean you have to come down to my bar and man whore it up with "me", although that option will always be there for you. You, as well as I, have a lot of living to do. It might just be time to see what else is out there.

Sensuality by Jack

I've been with my fiancee for almost six years, and while I feel like our relationship is pretty great all around, I can't help thinking it's missing something. It's not really a sex thing, it's not really an intimacy thing, it's something I can't really put my finger on. I don't know what to call it. Maybe "sensuality?" I just want to be connected in some way that isn't just watching TV or having sex. There's got to be something else, I think. Any ideas on how to put that into my relationship? Do I need to spread rose petals around or something?
--Wanting some cheesiness in RVA

Susan: I almost don't even want to answer this so we can skip as fast as possible to Jack trying to give advice on how to be sensual, but seeing as how I have some thoughts on this subject, I will keep at it. Wanting Some Cheesiness! I gave you that title myself! It's because this subject makes me really uncomfortable. I've actually been avoiding answering this question all week for fear of exposing possible vulnerable layers to myself that I prefer to believe do not exist. So my official answer is: Rose petals are for losers. My unofficial answer is: Rose petals are for losers, but only because it's a cliche. Do some other stuff. Not like, buying a book about tantric sex and sitting down at dinner and reading aloud from it kind of stuff. More like lying around in close contact post-flagrante. Tell jokes, discuss where you'd like to go for dinner, anything other than picking up your iPhone and checking your email. The idea is to create a level of closeness that doesn't just involve one activity but does just involve the two of you. That is, JUST the two of you. No IMing, no Dexter, no pets. No outside world at all. To me, that is the key that unlocks this door, and I just used a phrase that mortifies me. I can't talk about this anymore.

Jack: "The key that unlocks the door" ?! -Thanks Doctor Phil.

I wouldn't doubt my expertise on sensuality Susan. Trust me, I'm a sensuous muthafucker. Just the other day I put the "Al Green" Station on Pandora and then had a hardcore montage of love-making and feeling-sharing. Then we baked cookies. We, of course means me and these beautiful piano player hands I have.

But seriously, as a never-married, young man with a small amount of long term relationship experience, here's my thoughts. I feel like the question above may as well signal the beginning of the end for "Cheesiness" and her fiancee. Correct me if I'm wrong(which I'm not) , but shouldn't that extra special connection, above and beyond sex and TV watching, be there from the beginning??? Why are you engaged and why have you been with this person for six years if that little spark isn't there?

You can continue on with your partner, always feeling like something is missing, or you can find someone where that shit isn't missing. Great sex and being intimate is pretty easy to find with anyone, but that thing that you can't put your finger on but that you know is there? Well, that seems to be a rarity in the world of love these days. Unfortunately there are far too many people that are petrified to be alone and they will never leave their security blanket, no matter what it seems to be lacking.

Okay so that was me ranting. Here's some actual advice: Take extended leaves from your places of work and backpack a foreign land together. Break the rut in routine and force yourselves out of the comfort zone. Have new and exciting adventures( and no, trekking out to the new Whole Foods at Short Pump does not count, regardless of how many old ladies almost kill you on Broad Street). You may just learn some things you never knew about your fiancee and then, and only then, will the cheese rain down upon you both.

Susan: I think we both just need to admit that we don't know how to answer this question. This may be a job for my sensitive spouse (although if he chimes in and tells you all our secrets I will leave him for James Franco like I keep meaning to). I guess it's just something you either have, or you don't. Or you don't want to admit.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.

Robot Hearts: Kissing And Telling The Internet May Have Adverse Effects on Your Love Life (Turns Out)

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 13:54:54 +0000

In this issue, Jack and Susan get mistaken for a "team," and everyone calls everyone else names. Do you want to cause the next uproar? Email your problems to robothearts@rvanews.com!

Question #1

Hey Robot Losers, I have an interesting query for you concerning something that my friend "Gina" went through the other night.
"Gina" met a handsome young man at a bar. He was tall with dark, possibly frozen-in-place hair, and he was sort of a jerk at first. The young man bought Gina a shot and a drink and they began hanging out. Gina and the young man hit it off and they exchanged numbers and even shared a nice, not too open-mouth, not too closed, goodnight kiss. Gina was somewhat smitten.
They exchanged texts throughout the week and made a plan to meet the following weekend for drinks. Before that happened Gina was discussing the upcoming date with a group of friends and upon mentioning his name, we'll call him "Jake", one of Gina's friends informed her that "Jake" is a notorious slutbot and even chronicles his sexual experiences in his public journal. Gina was bummed because she likes this Jake character and it dismayed her to hear that he was not in fact, the potential good guy she was hoping for. Gina likes sex, but she doesn't want some fling where that's all that is involved or something where she is one of 15 other concurrent flings. What would the Robot Hearts team do in this situation??
--Hot Girl With A Heart Of Gold in Downtown Richmond.

Jack: Okay okay, so I received this email from a girl in my personal inbox and yes I am the "Jake" in question. I'm fairly sure that she expected a cute, private response, but unlucky for "Gina" my email is public domain (as I've proven on my blog many times) and a question this juicy must be answered. Of course I asked her permission first.

First off, my knee jerk reaction would be to say that rumors, or "my friend said this.." is NEVER reliable, EVER. This situation is different though, because there is a, ummm, public web log that sort of chronicles some of this dude's sexual experimentation and could possibly identify Jack, I mean "Jake" as a "slutbot". So, of course you have valid reasons to be skeptical and even turned off by all this. I would encourage you or any other female in a similar situation (and I don't mean a situation with me for Christ's sake!), to keep an open mind. Unless this young, did you say handsome?, gentleman has proven to be a jerk to you personally, I think you give him a chance. Tell him that you know about his past or present affairs, and that you're not to enthused by it...But, you will have a drink and see if he's not actually a decent human being.

I know this "Q + A" sounds like a public endorsement of why women should date Jack Lauterback, but think about this; How many times have you heard that you shouldn't date someone (guy or girl) because they have a sordid past or because they slept with someone dirty? Everyone has heard this. My answer is, fuck the past and fuck what you heard. Most STD's are curable, or they only flare up sporadically. No risk, no reward Gina.

Susan, I'm interested to hear your opinion on this, but I can already guess what it will be: "Ewww, find a good guy who will take you to the Brio Tuscan Grille and open doors for you, and who wants to wait until date 36 to have sex, blah blah."

Susan: Aw, Jack, I am touched, because I'm fairly certain this is actually you secretly asking me for advice on how to lift yourself out of the nasty little cesspool in which you unapologetically flounder. Well, tough. You made that bed, then unmade it, then sullied the sheets, and then told the world all about it, so you have to lie in it. Not that I'm a prude. I'm sure a lot of 25 year old bartenders have similar lifestyles, and good luck to them, but sooner or later, my spiky-haired friend, these situations will arise. I mean, am I right? I'd say something like "Do you really want your kid fifteen years from now to stumble upon your website and realize his dad was a huge douche?" but it seems like, at the rate you're going, you won't really have kids. At least not any that will be surprised to learn that Dad is a deadbeat.

But seriously, Gina, I have this to say: Jack is actually a surprisingly decent guy in real life, whether he wants the world to know that or not. Unfortunately, though, while that makes him a lovely fellow to have around when you are drinking a beer and trading insults, are you OK with having your intimate details relayed to the world via the Internet? No? Would you like to start from the beginning of today's column?

Jack: Susan, Susan, Susan... Once again I have to explain a question to you. Yes this email was written to me by a girl and yes, I would love to take her out, share two 13 dollar bottles of Pinot Noir and then proceed to end the first date awkwardly dry humping in the front seat of my Altima, but I'm trying to look at the big picture here and not my sordid personal affairs. The real question is:

Can a person's past transgressions, bad reputation and current lifestyle be overlooked in the name of love? And the answer is yes.

Just forget about my blog for a minute. Whether "Gina's" friends heard I was a bad guy through word of mouth or they read about it on my blog (and then misinterpreted my writing) is irrelevant. I know many guys and girls who have weathered rumors and bad reps, and guess what? Even though they may or may not have been tag-teamed by an entire fraternity in college, they still just want to be loved.

Plus, any girl that is worried about what her kids will think about their father, 15 effing years from now (!), should not be in the market for an awesome guy like myself. They should instead be searching for an apartment that will house their soon to be large collection of cats. In fact I will henceforth refer to you as "Susan the Old Cat Lady". Robot Hearts featuring Jack the Blogging Bartender and Susan, the Old Smelly Cat Lady. Hmmm. That's gold right there.

Susan: I can't believe I sort of called you a good guy and you come back with Old Smelly Cat Lady. I think someone is a little defensive! Look, I'm in favor of looking over "past transgressions," - we've all done stupid things that we'd like to take back. If that's the question you're actually putting out there, then sure. Overlook them. But your specific situation is different. You seem to relish those stupid things instead of learning from them. "Bad reputation" and "current lifestyle" in your case are indicative of personal traits that I can't in good conscience recommend to a lady who wants to do anything more than dry hump in an Altima.

And let me make it clear AGAIN, because your gel must have gotten in your eyes when you read my first comment, it's not your sexual exploits that bother me, it's the way you clearly feel about women. May I remind the reading public that this guy who just wants to be loved advised a poor soul not long ago to hit some "practice holes." Drink, have fun, sex it up, sure, but slagging women publicly who you were probably pretty quick to compliment the night before just encourages aspiring Jacks to treat them the same way. Yes, it's funny to read your advice to other people (and hopefully the public knows not to take it seriously), but I think it is well within my rights to encourage this poor soul to read your blog and go with her gut. Hopefully that gut will tell her "Run far away" and not "Maybe I can change him!!" And I also think it's well within my rights to encourage YOU to use this email as motivation to clean up your act. Or at least quit telling everybody about it. Or at least use a pseudonym.

Jack: This advice column wasn't created to provide me with a therapy session every two weeks. I know how I live and I likes how I live. We created this column to help the poor souls out there (like Gina) with their everyday dating dilemmas. Unfortunately crazy cat lady and a few sheltered readers/commenters can't handle someone who breaks the the whole "get married ASAP" mold and instead chooses to live a more unconventional (and public) lifestyle. Although let's save my current hedonistic, kickass way of living for a future column. In the meantime, Gina, even if I wasn't the so-called "bad guy" in question, my advice would be to ignore your friends and give this guy (me) a chance. Your friends will always cockblock you (even the ones you trust).

Susan was right with one statement and one statement alone: Go with your gut and take what you feel is the right course of action.

Also be sure to tell your girlfriends, who I'd be willing to bet are aspiring cat-people, that my co-writer Susan hosts a bi-weekly "Cat Chat" on AM 790. It's mostly just her and her callers discussing how cute their cats are and why they don't need a man in their life. Seriously, it's like the # 5 rated cat enthusiast call-in show in Central Virginia.

Susan: I do have cats.

Robot Hearts: Lighting one fire and putting out another

Jack Lauterback — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:31:15 +0000

Would you like your relationship problem to incite fiery arguments between a bartender and a bartended?? Fire away at info@rvanews.com.

Question Uno

I started seeing a girl about three weeks ago who we'll call "Lucy". She is 25 and I'm 27. Since then things have gone well, but umm, there's a slight issue.
"Lucy" is an overtly sexual, beautiful hippie-type girl, who from what she has told me, has slept with well over 50 men. I've never thought of her as a slut or anything, but well, let's just say that she isn't afraid to express her sexuality. I, on the other hand have only slept with two girls, one was a long term seven-year relationship that ended six months ago and the other was a rather regrettable drunken episode two months ago. So, about a week ago I found myself back at Lucy's place after we had a few drinks, and I couldn't exactly "perform" due to my nervousness. Lucy was understanding, and I don't think it bothered her, but now I feel like a chump. I like Lucy and I feel like I could be really great for her, but her colorful sexual history and my lack of a sexual history makes me feel insecure to no end. I've never been in this situation before and I'm wondering what I should do.
And for some reason I decided to ask advice from a cocky bartender who will probably laugh at me.
-- One Man Against 50+ in the West End.

Jack: One Man, listen, I can hear the trepidation in your voice and I know that fear like I know how to pleasure myself with either hand in record time. That is to say, I feel for you my man. Sometimes we are all just "One Man" against an army of penises that at one point penetrated our current gal pal. I don't know if I'm breaking some men's social taboo here, but it's happened to everyone. It's one of the dangers of the trade and I don't care if some dude claims it has never happened to him....It has.

The thing to do here is to play it aloof. Act like nothing happened and try your absolute hardest to not think about it. You could go and just tell Lucy the truth and tell her your fears, but some girls simply don't want an inexperienced and/or insecure man. Act like it ain't a thing and don't waver for one second. Just get back on the horse and give it another ol' college try. The grass is greener or something? Is that enough cliches for you yet?

Another, decidedly more evil route, and one that might just be crazy enough to work. Go out and bag a few less than stellar chicks, practice holes or slump busters I believe are popular terms. Make 'em scream and then take that newfound confidence to the bedroom with Lucy. Sometimes you have to be a rogue to win at the game of love.

Susan: Zzzzz! These kinds of macho self-confidence issues are so irksome. It's way less attractive to have to boost a guy's confidence over one bad performance than it is to have to boost a guy's confidence over numbers of partners. As far as we're concerned (and I think I speak for many if not most of us), an off night is an off night. I mean, no one seems to care if WE have an off night, so part of me is always a little insulted when I have to spend time being like "No, no, it's OK. I promise. Seriously, I PROMISE. NO, I won't tell all my friends." Because no one stops and hugs and consoles US when we are less than super-enthused about "the physical act of love" (ugh, sorry, I've been watching True Blood nonstop and they say stuff like that a lot). And it always seems to me like that time spent soothing a bruised ego could be better applied to finishing the job in other ways.

The second matter at hand is the more important one, I think, which is making you feel better about your lack of experience. Dude! Being with someone for seven years? That almost certainly means that you have gotten an intimate look at way more in depth sexual experiences than she has. Do you think that most one night stands are fraught with creative sexual exploits? Maybe in Judd Apatow movies, but all the real life stories I ever hear are about drunken, fumbling, boring times. Refer to your regrettable, drunken episode. Was it a night of wild discovery?? Doubtful. I'm willing to bet that you've delved into territory that to Lucy is largely uncharted. And even if that's not the case, if you having been with a thousand girls is important to her, there's not much you can do about that, except Jack's gross "bang every girl in town" strategy above. Just wow her with your long years of experience or move along to someone else and don't call on her again (sorry!!! True Blood!!).

Jack: You just don't "get it", do you Susan? I'm going to ignore the rumors and guess that you actually don't have a pee-pee hanging between your legs. If you do then we'll talk about it in that future column concerning hermaphrodites that we've been planning. Until then, leave the man/wiener/self-esteem issues to a man who has a wiener and self-esteem issues.

Listen One Man, aside from attempting to sleep with every chick in town, my advice is to just forget about it. The moment you stop letting your brain do the work and start letting your heart and your penis decide, well son, that's a moment of clarity that you will not soon forget. PS: I plan on giving my future son the "heart and wiener" speech the instant he turns 7 years old.

Question Dos

So, recently, I've caught my long time friend gazing at me with what can only be called "longing." Things have always been strictly platonic between the two of us. I brought it up to a couple of mutual friends who all said the same thing: "Duh, he's in love with you." OMG GROSS! What do I do?! Do I bring it up to him? Do I avoid him?
-- Confused and Dismayed in Petersburg

Susan: These are the worst. I have had so many friends on either side of this fence (and I can't say that I'm unfamiliar with the fence myself), and I think most of these things result from some variation of the following: looking at your opposite-sex (or, hey, same-sex??) BFF as you both sit on the couch watching back to back episodes of a certain HBO series, sharing a "Collision" bag of Doritos (saving you the chips you like) and laughing at all your jokes. "This," you think. "This is what a relationship is supposed to be like. I must be in love with him/her!" An understandable conclusion!

Because of this logical chain of events, I recommend clearing that air at the beginning of such a friendship, if the other party's eyes begin to get a little moony. "Just so you know," you can say. "You and I will always be platonic and that is FINAL," etc. Might as well let them know ahead of time, right? Your situation is more advanced, of course, so I think it depends on your relationship status. If you're unattached but just not interested, the frank talk will probably work. If you're attached, especially in a serious way, honestly, I'd ignore it until it goes away. They've gotta know it's hopeless, right?? If you think they're holding out a glimmer of hope, say a lot of things like, "My husband/boyfriend is so great and totally eats all the chips I don't like in the Collision bag!" Under no circumstances should you complain about your relationship, that's for sure. Nothing gives a pining dude the wrong impression like "You're my shoulder to cry on." (Note: Collision Doritos are disgusting, yet I literally just consumed an entire bag with my husband, who ate all the chips I don't like. Lovesick BFFs! You too can find somebody else who will do this!)

Jack: Two things come to mind here. 1.) The proliferation of girly, sadsack movies ("Just Friends" comes to mind here) where the "friend" ends up with the hot girl is churning out entire generations of "beta" men who believe they're in love every time a girl smiles at them. 2.) My co-writer's dating column advice-giving validity should really be questioned when she mentions Collision Doritos three times in one of her answers. (And the answer is NO, Susan Howson is NOT 270 pounds. Seriously.)

I have a few friends who I can tell want more than friendship sometimes, which baffles me because they know I'm a horrible, disgusting human being. For the most part I just keep them as friends, but I also keep them at arms length. If this guy texts you or calls you a lot, just don't always call back or text back. Keep your distance and do nothing at all to show that you have any feelings for him and he should get the point. Also if you see him giving you the googly eyes, make fun of him instantly. Be like, "Hey gayface, stop staring at me and pass the Cool Ranch Doritos!" (which are superior to Collison Doritos, or any other Dorito on the market currently).

Another method would be to tell him about your latest boytoy or a recent sexual experience with another guy. That should stick this dude's ass squarely back into that awful place known as the "friend zone". Brrrr... I get chills just thinking about that purgatory.

Susan: I think I am somewhat with you on this one. Romantic comedies in which a person suddenly realizes that s/he should be with his/her longtime BFF, who is clearly in love, are misleading and should have died in the late '80s, taking Cool Ranch Doritos with them. I always thought sharing your sexual exploits with a dude was provoking instead of off-putting, but if we ignore the rumors and assume that you do have a pee-pee between your legs, and you think that locker room talk will turn off Confused and Dismayed's BFF, full speed ahead.

Robot Hearts: His Best Friend’s Girl and Her Deadbeat Valentine

Jack Lauterback — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:47:03 +0000

RVANews's grand inaugural presentation of Robot Hearts will now officially commence! This has been a project a very long few weeks in the making. It required thought, feelings, and the sharing of not only Google docs but beers. Originally we'd planned that Jack (of Jack Goes Forth, the blogging bartender that everyone loves/hates to hate/love.) would provide our insensitive, caveman, dudical point of view. But lo, we underestimated Susan's utter lack of sentimentality. One thing's for certain, nobody agrees very much.

Go ahead! Submit your questions to info@rvanews.com. We promise, promise, promise we won't tell a soul.

Question the First

My friend "Jeff" has a seriously hot girlfriend, "Belinda." Not only is she hot, but she is also cool, friendly, the works. Lately we have progressed beyond some mild flirting into some one on one hangouts that are loaded with sexual tension. I've known Jeff for a long time, but we're not that close, so I keep thinking it wouldn't be that big of a deal if I stole her away. Only problem is, she's not really making that final move and sealing the deal. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, and it's driving me crazy...in various ways. Is there something I can do to speed this process along without ruining my chances?
--Making the Right Moves (Oregon Hill)

Susan: I'm sure she is just the bee's knees, but even the best of us are sometimes unable to quell the temptation to encourage attention from sources outside the relationship. What I mean is, if she wanted you to be her boyfriend, you would most likely be her boyfriend. Chances are, you are providing a service, and that service is ego stroking. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, necessarily, as long as you're not pining away for her. A little flirting can be awesome. So I think you need to evaluate your feelings for her on three levels, let's call them "head," "heart," and uh "hormones." If you rate your feelings for her in these three categories, I feel like you'd be better able to establish what you want from this. Namely, if the "heart" component is in there, that requires some action. But if it's "I just like hanging out with her [head] and think about her in inappropriate ways 100% of the time [hormones]."

Here's a test. Think about if someone told you "Hey, Belinda just got engaged to Jeff and they are sooooo happy!" Does your stomach hurt? Do you feel like you will never eat again? In that case, you've got heart, bad, and you should possibly express those feelings, but I am almost completely positive that nothing will come of it other than a destroyed friendship. If your stomach doesn't hurt, you're golden. What you have is what she wants you to have, i.e. a steady, flattering attraction that will stroke her ego. It's up to you how comfortable you are with that.

Jack: This reminds me of that time I was 12 and this kid in my neighborhood got Nintendo 64. I wanted the Nintendo 64 game console but instead I got a lame mountain bike. I was jealous, frustrated, a little confused (similar to that "incident" in college with one of my frat brothers...wait, never mind), really I shared all of the same emotions you're currently feeling, Right Moves. So what did I do??? I went over to the kids house, secretly put bleach in his chocolate milk and then stole the Nintendo while he was rushed to the hospital. What does this tell you other than the fact that I had serious emotional issues as a young boy? It tells you that life isn't fair and if this Jeff character who you've known for a "long time" can't control his girl and you see a window of opportunity, then you should take that shit. If you really do have feelings for Belinda and more than just the feeling of petrification in your groin, then I think you have to vocalize it. Just man up, be confident, look her in the eye and lay a big fat kiss on her. You risk getting rejected and you risk getting your ass kicked by Jeff but without risk there would be no reward, or in your case, there would be no vajayjay.

By the by, do you really think it's smart to have real feelings for a girl who would go around flirting and (possibly) cheating on her boyfriend? I mean, I personally think it's smart because every girl I've ever been with has been a scandalous ho-monster, but you seem like a smart, sensitive guy, Right Moves. Is she the type you want to catch feelings for? Try giving her your little "right moves" and see what happens. Oh and Susan, what's with this stomach hurting BS? Is this a medical column for little sissy girls and the little girly men who love them? Someone should have told me that before I signed up for this.

Susan: Oh please, didn't you just blog about how some girl drew you a picture and it made you sad or something? Don't try to pretend like you don't have a feeling every once in awhile. I'm just saying, if Right Moves is really like "into" this chick, that's a different story than if he just wants to bang her. Oh, woops, maybe you didn't know there was a difference. Oh, this is awkward. I'm sorry, Jack. Bottom line is (and maybe you don't know this either): girls are pretty aware of what they're doing in these situations. That doesn't necessarily mean she's a, what did you call her, "scandalous ho-monster," but it does mean that she is probably not in love with him.

Question the Second

I'm a 23 year old girl and I've been seeing this guy casually for about 3 months. He's 28 years old, funny, smart and a blast to be around. He treats me well and most importantly, he makes me laugh my face off. The problem is, he lives at home with his mom and aunt, he works as a waiter at a high end steak house and he has absolutely no ambition to do, well, much of anything. I don't understand because he has a college degree and he's so incredibly bright. I work as an analyst at a bank downtown while he lays on the couch all day.
I'm tired of him never having money and I'm tired of not being able to stay at "his place" (if you can call it that). I really like him but he's a loser and I don't know if he even cares. Should any of this matter? Can a relationship work and grow if two people want opposite things in life? What should I do?
--Dating A Lazy Ass (Church Hill)

Jack: Wow the first Robot Hearts column and somebody already wrote a letter about me! I kid I kid, but seriously this is a good question because I've been in similar shoes as your lazy guy. First off, I don't think direct confrontation (as in, actually being straightforward and telling him all this) will work. We anti-Nine-to-Fivers tend to bristle up when people criticize our lifestyle. We know we're lazy and we get reminded of it every Tuesday at lunch by all of the people walking around in suits while we sit in Chipotle in nothing but sweat pants and a burrito-stained wife beater. So talking to him directly about your gripes is a bad idea. I'm assuming that his Mom and Aunt chip away at his ego as it is, so he probably doesn't want to hear your shit.

I think you take a more indirect course of action here. Embarrassment will sometimes tend to spur the complacent into action. Take him out with your friends (if you have any) who are dating successful guys and then get the successful guy to drop subtle, piercing remarks about your lazy guys lack of a life. Make sure the "successful guy" is super good-looking and witty, and not some shmo. Next, go to a nice, somewhat expensive dinner with promises to "treat", and then mysteriously leave your purse at home. Make sure he squirms as the check comes, then have the successful guy or your girlfriend pay for you and your lazy man. (Just in case you may want to have a few extra dollars tucked into your sock, lest you like cleaning dishes.) By this point your man should feel properly emasculated, and he will either jump into improving his life or he will enter a spiral of depression and booze that will eventually result in his demise. Either way, your problem is solved!

Susan will probably come up with some new age "feeling" BS involving a herbal tea intervention with puppy dogs and ice cream where you actually air your concerns, but don't listen to her. Direct action (in this particular instance) doesn't really work. If it did I would be sleeping with so many girls I wouldn't even have the time (5 min) to write this column.

Susan: I'm actually really surprised by your "give it the ol' college try" attitude. In a way I think it's kind of cute that both of you are ignoring a major factor here, which is that I would be really surprised if Dating a Lazy Ass would still be into her lazy ass dude if he cleaned up his act and went legit. She's probably into him because he's such a lowlife, desperately looking for signs that he's changing his ways, signs that stroke her ego into thinking "Yes! I am the one! I am the one they all change for!" This scenario is so basic, Jack, that I can't believe you aren't recognizing it as the reason girls have anything to do with you at all.

My advice for DALA is to accept what you do and do not want, and be honest about it. Then, go find a person who is that thing already. I hate to be a downer but...do people really change all that much?

Jack: Damn, I hate to say it, but Susan is somewhat right. You probably wouldn't like this guy if he had a semblance of a life. I'd say embrace the sloth and his unwillingness to change, and then go out and buy him new clothes, and a vacation and some other cool stuff (like drugs). Us lazy guys are all looking for the next sugar momma... He'll realize what life is all about and eventually he'll become an adult (my Mom keeps telling me). The question is, is he awesome enough to wait for?