RVANews

Memos from the desk of: The Founding Fathers

Christopher Elford — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 19:00:12 +0000

(First published on June 30, 2009)

ATTN: All able-bodied men. Please sign up at your local magistrate’s office to help in this fast-approaching war. Shit ain’t gonna fight itself.
-- George Washington

Let us not forget the reason we came to this great land. We came for freedom. We came for liberty and democracy. We came for sugar. We came, dear friends, for molasses. When you feel weak on the field of battle, think of that sweet, dark molasses, be it on bread or baked into a cake. I use the bread thing, it’s easier to visualize.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Let the rivers of freedom flow forth like the mighty Missouri. Let it wash over the east and the west like smoke from the huts of the Mandans. Let it hold together like the hunting parties of the Nez-Perce. And, good people, let it pierce our hearts like the arrows of the Iriquois… Medic!
-- Meriwether Lewis

Bitch act like he don’t know me.
-- Sally Hemmings

I have been asked how we know who the enemy is. THEY’RE THE FOOLS IN RED FUCKING COATS. If you own a red coat, DO NOT WEAR IT OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.
-- George Washington

Regarding acceptable terminology for our great nation: We are trying to phase out the term “colonies,” as we are no longer a colony but a great and independent nation. We will accept “the States,” “America,” or “the USA.” Or “Quincyville.” Let’s accept that one too.
-- John Quincy Adams

We have heard it said that the pen is mightier than the sword. As swordsmanship is vital in battle, should we not then also consider penmanship a necessity?
-- John Hancock

Re: Candle Usage
I fear I am the only man in this country seeking to save wax and wick. We must make this a priority. Maybe not #1, or even #2, but… but definitely top 5. Try this simple rhyme to help you remember:
“Candle burn long,
sorrowful song.
Candle burn short,
That’s the sort!
Candle burn medium,
Room for improvement.”
-- Benjamin Franklin

Are we in agreement that these Alien & Sedition Acts are totes lame? I read those and I was all, “Uh-uh, I don’t think so y’all.” So me and Teej are all, “Let’s do it. Let’s make this Federalist papers thing happen.” But then he’s like, “What are you doing now?” and I’m like, “You ain’t never seen a guy do aerobics? Gotta get my cardio in before I write.” That’s why his school is like, hella boring. I’m gonna start a school that’s like, about partying and meeting people and stuff first, boring stuff second.
-- James Madison

Re: 4th of July
I know I’m not a founding father, but I’d just like to say I think the article is coming along pretty ok so far.
-- C. Elford

Re: Re: 4th of July
Aw, come on Chris! When you use your imagination, you can come along and see all our adventures! Just Drink my July 4th Magic Tonic!
-- Patrick Henry

Re: Re: Re: 4th of July
(GULP GULP) WOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!!
-- C. Elford

(All singing together)
We hope that you enjoy
Independence Day in wonder!
Let never any tyrant
Ever put us asunder!

(Now they are joined by Noam Chomsky, Barack Obama, and the cast of LOST)

America, America!
God shed his grace on thee!

(TJ) And Me!
(GW) And Me!
(All) And me and me and me!
And crown Thy good with brotherhood
(Susan Boyle) Except for in Detroit!

(A well-rigged grand finale of fireworks punctuates the songs end as all strike a pose)

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50 things you should know about the World Cup

Christopher Elford — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 16:00:03 +0000

In the summer of 2006 I fell in love with soccer through the World Cup. I found two feral cats on my back porch and named them Henry and Rooney after two particularly striking players. What began as a month of soccer (I watched all but two matches) turned into my very favorite pastime. I grew up loving baseball for it's purely American feel, and equally I love soccer for its global scope.

On June 11 I get to experience the crème de la crème of soccer once more, and it is all that I can think about. Comparing sports to war tends to sound ridiculous to me, but the analogy here would also seem petty and overwrought. The World Cup seems to be more about looking at a paint swatch of humanity around the world, without pretense, and allowing anyone, anywhere to just dig in. Here is a guide to familiarize you with the sport, the culture, the players, and some frivolous side notes surrounding the quadrennial pinnacle of the Beautiful Game.

5 soccer basics to know about the World Cup

1. The game will be played for 90 minutes, in two 45-minute halves. The clock is ongoing, starting at the kickoff and ending at half-time (00:00 - 45:00), and then starting after halftime and going until the end of the game (45:00 - 90:00). One of the great things about soccer is that you can watch a whole match with only commercials being played during halftime. At the end of the first half and at the end of the game, "stoppage time" will be played, with the referee deciding on how many extra minutes should be played to make up for minutes lost due to fouls, injuries, etc. It can be as low as 60 seconds (rarely is there no stoppage time at all) and as much as six or seven minutes (such as a match where several players had been seriously injured.)

2. Each squad is allowed only three substitutions per match. If you use all three in the 67th minute and Joe Striker blows his knee out, you're losing to New Zealand.

3. "Off-sides" is not tricky. Here is the simplest explanation: there has to be an opponent aside from the goalie in between your mate and the goal line at the time the ball leaves your foot when you send him a pass.

4. There are two parts of the tournament. The first is called "Group Play" or "Group Stage." This is where the 32 teams are divided into eight groups of four, each team playing the other teams in their group once. For example, The United States is in Group C with England, Slovenia, and Algeria, so we will have to play each of them and come out in the top two to advance to the next stage. This is quite straightforward, except that each game does not have to have a victor. Ties are frequent and in the case that after three games two or more teams are tied, the disparity in goals scored is used to determine who advances. "Knockout stage" is then played by the advancing sixteen teams. Picture your "Sweet Sixteen" college basketball bracket.

5. These players know each other. Men from most competing nations have played against each other for years at the club level in Europe, Asia, and North and South America.

5 places in Richmond to watch a match

1. Penny Lane has probably got to be the best place. They'll be rooting for England if they're playing.

2. FW Sullivan's on Main Street in the Fan will be showing matches as well. I've never really dug this place but the World Cup is a good time for redemption. Let's see what you got!

3. Hometeam Grill is a great place to watch not only US games but Mexico games as well.

4. If you're on the Southside, I am told that Zero's Subs will be showing all the matches. It pays to know which bars are owned by footie fans.

5. Piccolas at Harrison and Main has been an enjoyable place to watch Italian matches in the past.

5 underdogs to root for in the tournament

1. New Zealand
The Kiwis are ranked just 78th in the FIFA World Rankings. They are a likable side from a beautiful country (read: Mount Doom), but unfortunately being in a group with Paraguay, Slovakia, and reigning champions Italy is going to be a steep task for them.

2. South Africa
Never in World Cup history has the host nation failed to advance from beyond group stage, but unfortunately little RSA may be the first. They would have to be better or as good as Mexico and France. Let’s hope for an upset for the Bafana Bafana!

3. Nigeria
Why not root for a country as fucked as Nigeria? A beautiful land, beautiful people, beautiful resources, and the government controls it all. I’d love to see these boys take the beautiful game and stick it to Greece and South Korea to advance to Knock-Out.

4. Serbia
In their first World Cup as Serbia (in the past they have played as part of Yugoslavia and more recently as the joint-effort Serbia and Montenegro), these boys got placed in a pretty difficult group. But I like this side. Their domestic football situation has been a mess for years (the biggest club, Red Star Belgrade, had hooligans so ruthless they eventually became a sort of secret police for warlord Arkan) and it would be nice to see them turn over a new leaf.

5. The United States of America
Oh, America. Where to start? You have got to be one of the only top-20 ranked teams where footie isn’t even the most popular sport (ironically, that would be football…) and the of the people who do get down on the Beautiful Game, many of them choose to support foreign sides like England or Italy, probably to save themselves the embarrassment. Things might be different if soccer were a working-class sport in the States, like everywhere else in the world, but in this country it is played by kids whose parents are rich enough to drive them to travel or ODP matches. I would love to see a surge of popularity of the sport in our country, but I’ll settle for a tie with England and moving on to knockout round to face Germany.

5 matches to watch while enjoying nation-specific beers (Why is Belgium not in this tournament?)

1. England vs. the United States of America: Fuller’s London Pride vs. Bell’s Two Hearted Ale
The tradition of the rivalry goes all the way back to the inception of our country. England is the better squad, and yet the United States stuck it to #1-ranked Spain less than a year ago, shocking the world. Fuller’s London Pride represents the pinnacle of traditional English brewing (from what’s available stateside, anyways) and Bell’s Two Hearted represents the arguable pinnacle of the American IPA.

2. Netherlands vs. Denmark: Koenigs Hoeven Triple vs. Mikkeler Stateside IPA
Many say the Netherlands have a great shot at making it all the way to the final this year, after qualifying with a perfect 8-0 record (in Europe, this is very hard to do) and outscoring their opponents 17-2. Denmark did very well for themselves in qualifying as well, yet have their work cut out for them in a group that also includes the relentless Japanese and the prolific Samuel Eto’o’s Cameroon. Koenigs Hoeven is the only Trappist brewery located outside of Belgium, in nearby Holland, and Mikkeler, a great Danish craft brewery, definitely have a penchant for the American hop obsession. This is pairing that will certainly get you wastey-faced.

3. Brazil vs. Cote D’Ivoire: Xingu vs. Tusker Lager
Brazil has years of tradition. The Ivory Coast, in goal-machine Didier Drogba, has its first ever chance of advancing past group stage. Xingu is an easy-to-drink black lager. Tusker, while from Kenya and not Cote D’Ivoire, is equally easy to drink and is one of the only African beers you can get in the Virginia market.

4. France vs. Mexico: Biere De Garde vs. Mexican-German Bock
France, the defending runners-up, has a somewhat aging side that still possesses great power in clutch situations. The Mexican side this year has speed and a helluva lot of capability to upset anyone. Enjoy whatever French Bier De Garde you can find- they’re light, a bit strong, and yet still sessionable. Mexican lagers owe most of their brewing tradition to 19th century teaching from Spanish and German brewers, which is why their lagers (“bock” is the term for strong lager) tend to be a bit stronger. Yummy!

5. Switzerland vs. Honduras: BFM Abbaye De St. Bon-Chien vs. Dogfish Head Theobroma
Who the fuck knows what’s going to happen in this match? Honestly, the beers might be the things that shine: BFM makes among the most amazing beers in the world, this one achieving a flavor akin to an earthy tannic red wine. Dogfish Head’s Theobroma (translated “food of the gods”) is an ancient recipe wrought by Honduran pottery fragments thought to be from one of the oldest alcoholic recipes in the world. For all of these beers, please check out River City Cellars, Once Upon a Vine, Beer and Wine at West Park, or Total Wine.

5 Movies to Netflix to get you pumped up for the tournament

1. Goal: The Dream Begins
The story of a boy who gets scouted in Mexico and rises to play for Newcastle United all the way over in Jolly Ol' England. Acting isn’t great, plotline is kinda Chronicles of Riddick-ulous, but it’s also ridiculously awesome. Like watching a drunk guy buy taquitos at 7-11. He’s just pointin’ at that Jalapeno and Cream Cheese one like a dummy, but it’s pretty cute.

2. The Football Factory
A pretty hard-hitting movie about hooliganism. It gets kinda scary in a few places but still seems a little plausible. If this sort of thing interests you, you may want to seek out the book “Among the Thugs.” And then you may want to seek out someone to read it to you.

3. Green Street Hooligans
Like Football Factory but starring Frodo Baggins.

4. Ladybugs
Pop this hot nug in the VCR and laugh yourself to death while remembering the comic genius of Rodney Dangerfield.

5. Kicking & Screaming
People shit all over this movie, but it’s about American youth soccer and therefore has a very special place in my heart. It’s also a father-son movie, which tends to get me. You see my dad was never in my life, and well, anyways Mike Ditka drinks a lot of coffee in this movie. Totally stand by this movie, Ditka, American youth soccer, and hating my dad.

5 football scandals to dig on

1. John Terry vs. Wayne Bridge
John Terry cheated on his wife Toni with known WaG (a term devoted to Wives and Girlfriends of footballers) and ex-girlfriend of England teammate Wayne Bridge, a lovely young lass named Vanessa Perronel. Wayne Bridge didn’t appreciate this, and snubbed John Terry when he offered a handshake at a recent match. Lil Wayne somehow missed the England squad, and all of England shook it’s head at Terry after elementary school children had voted him Dad of the Year. I’m told he’s not running for re-election.

2. Franck Ribery vs. Statutory Laws
France’s star midfielder was recently charged with canoodling with a prostitute who also happened to be under the legal age of consent. A serious crime in France, he faces some legit jail time as a result. Image search him on Google, he is the self-proclaimed Ugliest Man in Football.

3. Ashley Cole vs. Modern Technology
The English defender is married to a lovely pop singer, but was recently caught texting nude photos of himself to a model. If any one finds these pictures, I’d like them for… archiving… purposes…

4. Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, and Kieron Dyer vs. Staying Classy
The talented English trio was left off of the squad for Euro 2000, which is like the World cup but just for European countries. They then hopped on over to Cypress where they met some chicks at a burger joint and filmed themselves fooling around with them. But they didn’t seem to be joking. SuperFrank and Rio are both on the English national squad for the world cup. Will they have the energy to play?

5. Ronaldo vs… Ronaldo?
Aged Brazilian goal-scoring legend Ronaldo dropped his girlfriend off at her house. Aged Brazilian goal-scoring legend Ronaldo picked up three prostitutes and brought them safely back to his place. Aged Brazlian goal-scoring legend Ronaldo then realized that they looked a lot like… aged Brazilian goal-scoring legend Ronaldo. The men tried to extort money from him. None of them scored that night.

5 prettiest people in the World Cup

1. Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal
As seen in: Sexy underwear ads, YouTube fan-vids set to Ricky Martin, who he kind of resembles. Honest mistake.

2. Kaka, Brazil
As seen in: Multi-Millionaires You Can Bring Home to Mom. Kaka is very dedicated to his church in Brazil, often taking off his shirt after a goal to reveal a religious message. Pretty sure that under the second or third shirt is a totally hot bod though.

3. Fernando Torres, Spain
As seen in: Torres is young and creative, with roseate cheeks and blond hair. You may remember him as Kimmy Gibler on Full House, lolz.

4. David Villa, Spain
As seen in: Villa has perfected the Eurotrash boyband look. He has a soul patch and spiked hair. He somewhat resembles a marginally masculine Bratz doll, or maybe someone from a Twilight light switch cover.

5. Clint Dempsey, USA
As seen in: American footie fans’ hopes for the future. Dempsey has done well for himself recently for English club Fulham, important to us American men because we’d love for English women to think maybe we’re all that handsome and talented.

5 things to do while your boyfriend watches soccer

1. See the Sex and the City movie. You loved the last movie. Big and Carrie got married. Miranda and Steve finally made it work in a nuclear family. Charlotte shat herself. Samantha… still blowin' dudes. See what happens next!

2. Make him breakfast so he can get energized for the 7:30am matches. Clean up the dishes while he is watching the match. Leave a little extra time after the match before picking him up from the pub. Use it to browse match.com.

3. Drive an hour to Charlottesville and visit some wineries. Meet up with some fancy types you met on match.com who would never be interested in soccer. Accept a glass of Petit Verdot from a cute dude and see where the conversation takes you.

4. Head over to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts. Revel in the fact that it’s not just a bunch of Faberge eggs anymore. Maybe enjoy a Panini at the café. No way is he eatin’ a Panini right now. Text Petit Verdot Guy.

5. Enjoy a lovely jaunt over at the Ramada Inn. The pool isn’t open yet, the lady at the desk tells you “the chemical guy ain’t come by yet, or sumthin.’” Get a little closer to Petit Verdot guy at the edge of the bed, then blurt to him about how you wish you were just spending the day with your boyfriend watching the greatest game on earth. Buy him a consolation bottle of Petit Verdot, which you don’t think is that great to begin with.

5 problems that may happen as a result of South Africa hosting the Cup

1. They've moved a lot of their poor outside of areas that visitors will be around
People don't like it when you force them to move anywhere. Many people are now promoting the Elimination and Prevention of Re-Emergence of Slums Act.

2. Blikkiesdorp
The conditions in this settlement have grown so bad leading up to the World Cup that it's inhabitants have threatened to burn it down before June 11.

3. Security
When the Africa Cup of Nations took place this past winter, terrorists attacked Togo's team bus, killing several. South Africa doesn't need something like that to go down.

4. Construction
The work may not all be done. With the construction strike last summer and various electrician and transportation worker's strikes going on, everyone is hoping the areas in use for the Cup will be finished in time.

5. Transportation
The underground rail system has been finished just enough to use between match sites, but no more. They'll have a lot of people descending on them over the next week. Better hope the trains work.

5 reasons to be interested in the World Cup even if you ain’t the sportin’ type

1. Globalization is reflected in soccer around the world
In the league corruption of Nigeria, in the Old vs. New Money of Italy, in the hooligans vs. hooligans vs. police of England, and in the apathy of America, global and domestic trends have long been exhibited in soccer. Check out the book How Soccer Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization by Franklin Foer for a relatively quick but fascinating read on the subject.

2. The scope of the tournament
The 2010 World Cup as we know it is actually the 2010 World Cup Finals, as qualification began just after the last Cup ended. It contains the most competing nations to date in a tournament, matching only the 2008 Summer Olympics.

3. The President of FIFA has a name so ridiculous it sounds as if all his statements are issued by a Garbage Pail Kid
Observe:
“I appeal to all the players and coaches to observe this fair play. In 2010 we want to prove that football is more than just kicking a ball but has social and cultural value...So we ask the players 'please observe fair play' so they will be an example to the rest of the world.”

-FIFA President Sepp Blatter

4. Trading jerseys
At the end of special matches, it is a tradition for players to trade jerseys after the final whistle. Consider the recent ESPN commercial: Jozy Altidore finishes a meeting at ESPN head offices. At the end of the meeting, Jozy approaches ESPN's Josh Elliott and removes his jersey, presenting it as a gift to Elliott. Elliott reminds Altidore that his shirt is Italian, and Altidore assures Elliott that he is aware.

There is so much tied up in a match. One of the fundamentally poetic things about footie in the World Cup is how outmatched teams play against far superior sides and behave as if they are not underdogs. No doubt there have been many men who have been ever-dominant in their home leagues and have looked at moves by Lionel Messi, Wayne Rooney, or Clint Dempsey and thought, "I've done that. I have made that exact move." And no doubt they have performed similar moves, each man with his individual frozen memory of completely deceiving an opponent, excepting the disparity between frequency of occasion and skill of competition. So looking at that, the jersey exchange is a grading and equalizing machine, saying, "Here is a trophy, you earned it. Give me mine, which I earned." God bless the jersey exchange, which allows competitors to remove the cloak of superiority or inferiority and expose the body of a footballer, sans country or club, exhausted from a battle with all its infernal implications.

5. Infrastructure issues
Not every country that has played host to the World Cup has been infrastructurally sound. But in South Africa, we have a new problem: It's Africa. No matter how many grand steps the country makes towards filling arbitrary milestones the FIFA folks require of a hosting country, the world has an aversion to the Dark Continent. Let's hope it goes off without a hitch and African nations can host many a cup to come!

Enjoying beer the Irish way

Christopher Elford — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 17:00:32 +0000

Ah, St. Patrick’s Day is upon us again: the festival where everything is green, everyone is Irish, and everyone drinks beer. Some say the wearing of green supposedly comes from the clover that St. Patrick used to explain the holy trinity (read another theory here), but where does the beer tradition come from? This is undoubtedly the only day of the year specifically celebrated by drinking beer, and as a result tends to be one of the holidays I am most fond of.

Interestingly enough, St. Patrick’s Day is one of the days when our drinking habits become decidedly more European than usual. I don’t mean to disparage our current trends, but traditionally an Irish, English, or German drinker wouldn’t be caught dead ordering an Orange Crush or a round of Woo-Woo’s. Even so, their drinking practices aren’t less extreme, just more about enjoying quality beverages. Did you know a 17-oz. Weiss beer and a bowl of wurst is a traditional German breakfast? When was the last time you started that early? This is because in most European traditions, beer is recognized as a source of good calories (think liquid bread,) and beer has always been crafted, meant to be enjoyed and savored like a fine French wine.

Beer now takes on a different role in our culture, and unfortunately it’s still mostly due to Prohibition. During Prohibition, many of our traditional Irish and English pubs and breweries were forced to close, simply not able to make ends meet. What’s more is once the 21st Amendment was passed, there were still limits on brewing, most notably that brewers were to keep their beer at Depression prices, which meant they were going to use the cheapest methods possible. Unfortunately, after 14 years of Prohibition there was now a generation well into drinking-age who had never developed the taste for beer and knew no difference between real beer and the light cheap stuff that was now being mass-produced and sold. And that has more or less been the trend in our brewing, and drinking, history.

In light of all of this travesty, would it be so bad to drink differently this St. Patty’s? I don’t mean to suggest you drink “European,” but drink the way things would have been on our soil if the Volstead Act had never come into play. So here are a few suggestions of ways you can enjoy beer this St. Patrick’s Day in a way you might not have before.

1. Enjoy beer with breakfast.

Guinness goes surprisingly well with a lot of food -- I like it with cinnamon rolls. Smithwick’s Ale, also available all over the place, is quite good with biscuits and jelly. Think of the flavor of the beer before pairing, and remember: even if you have to work, one Irish beer in the morning isn’t going to give you a buzz, it’s going to give you calories. Just… just don’t hit the Jameson for dessert.

2. Enjoy beer with lunch.

Don’t pack a lunch, head out to a neighborhood restaurant (read: bar that has both decent beer and food). Guinness or a similar dry Irish stout (like Murphy’s or Ohara’s) will go great with a Reuben or sailor sandwich, and now you’ve got enough fuel in your tank to last you the rest of the workday.

3. Enjoy beer with dinner.

On St. Patrick’s Day, I really enjoy eating corned beef and cabbage; I think it’s a delicious, traditional meal, and honestly I really just dig the simplicity of it. If you don’t want to cook, head down to Capital Ale House, Penny Lane, Rosie O’Conolly’s, or the like, and peep what beers they have on tap. Fortunately, even after a few Irish or English ales, you’re going to be standing tall and standing straight, as these beers are meant to be enjoyed one after another (did you know Guinness has less alcohol by volume than Budweiser?)

4. Enjoy your rights.

Throughout the rest of the evening, be sure to thank your lucky stars that the Volstead Act wasn’t a worldwide law—what would we do without delicious beer with real flavor? And As you sip down your last of the night, say a little thank you to ol’ St. Patrick, for giving you a reason to drink in the first place.

Richmond: A year in review

Christopher Elford — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 11:00:44 +0000

Looking back on 2009, a lot of important shit happened in Richmond. As I whittled down the list of things to mention, I realized the most important things happened to me, which made writing this so easy it's stupid.

1. I get fired from Capital Ale House.

Didn't see that one coming. Apparently their zero-tolerance policy on being tardy more than once a week (on average, over a year) wasn't just a subtle wink to my sleeping habits. Since my departure, most employees, customers, passers-by, and prospective customers who opted to go to Friday's instead have spun into a downward spiral of drinking, drug use, womanizing, wanton littering, defaulting on loans, infanticide, ejaculating uncontrollably while watching Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, and losing at Uno on Family Game Night.

2. I plant a garden in my front yard.

Who's got the prettiest house on the block? Me. My next-door neighbor who drives a sports car and looks like Joakim Noah won't even look me in the eyes, he is so ashamed. If he did, I bet he'd feel so guilty he'd take a bath with his PS3. To ensure his jealousy, when we are both outside I am sure to stare at my flowers, giving a low whistle that says, "I know. I know. Majestic. If only dirt had a pussy." I won't even mention what my garden has done for the Jackson Ward housing market. My neighbor should thank me. Selfish tool.

3. I celebrate Mother's Day with my mother.*

I went with her to church, and all of Richmond felt an extra skip in their step. I complimented her on her pot roast, and the city's homeless rate inexplicably dropped. I gave her a Mother's Day card, and the Good Lord himself felt so inspired he decided to give our city another shot at having our own ball team.

*Actually I was in Norfolk, where my mother lives, although I cannot attest to any benefits felt in that city.

4. I cheer the Detroit Red Wings on to the Stanley Cup Finals.

Richmond and Detroit have always had a special relationship. We drive the cars they manufacture. They smoke the cigarettes we produce. We listen to the White Stripes. They closely watch our job market. So I felt I should take it one step further, by rooting the Red Wings on to the Stanley Cup Finals. Why did I do it? I did it because Detroit needed it. Detroit, you are welcome. Hang in there.

5. I discuss the controversial Obama poster outside Club Velvet.

And decide it would have been more effective if the poster had 3-D boobs.

6. I drive home drunk from Washington DC in a borrowed car with only one cigarette left.

First of all I would like to say that RVANews and its sponsors do not advocate drunk driving. Ever. It is flirting with death. Which is why it is so amazing that I made it back in one piece after that hellishly blurry death-tango of a drive, the only crash coming when I crashed on my friend's couch. A couch so small I felt like Buddy the Elf. I met this chick at the bar in DC who said she has done every possible sexual deed ever. I tried to ask her to clarify but she couldn't hear me over the music. I eventually gave up after yelling "I SAID, 'WHAT ABOUT GOATS'" six times. Did I mention that on this particular trip I didn't have an ID on me? It's like climbing Everest without a sherpa. Fuck, it's like climbing Everest without a jacket.

7. I fill out the paperwork to interview for a job in the Coast Guard, but then forget to go to the meeting with my recruiter.

Did you know the New York Police Department has more people in it than the whole Coast Guard? No wonder the price of nose candy stays relatively low. For the record, I did want the job, it sounded like a real cake walk. The only problem I could see with being in the military is the whole "permission to speak freely" thing. I mean, what's next? Permission to get drunk and chase my cats around the house? Some decisions are to be made by a man when he knows the time is right.

8. I scare a homeless guy, but then have mixed emotions about my actions.

He was trespassing on a construction site next door to my house, using their portable toilet to defecate. I took some beer bottles and loose change and dropped them from my roof so they smashed right outside the door. He let out a shriek and sort of bobbled around in that sad plastic stenchbox, and then wouldn't come out, I'm assuming because he was too afraid of the jingle monster. I wanted to coax him out, tell him that it was just a joke or maybe an accident, but it was getting late. I fell asleep that night with an unfamiliar tinge of sadness and guilt. Had I really sunk this low for entertainment? I awoke the next morning feeling fresh and revived, jovially telling the story to a friend over brunch. The guilt had passed overnight, and I became confident that I was probably not in the wrong. Who knows? My friend reminded me that he was trespassing.

9. I go see a movie, enjoy it, and then everyone else goes to see it.

Fact: if every movie were made with me in mind, we'd have a lot of movies that everyone would like. I would have put an alien sex scene in Shrek, a giant spider in Beaches, and the cast of Jaws 2 would have had to do battle with actual sharks. How does that sound? Do you like Point Break? I would have replaced one of Gary Busey's arms with a giant drill. What else... The Constant Gardner would have a constant erection and Corky Romano would feature the death of Chris Kattan by the hands of Ray Romano, who turns out to be his evil twin.

10. On Halloween it rains cats and dogs, but I do not care because I go dressed as a fisherman.

Everywhere I look there is another whiny, knuckle-fucked slut worried about her makeup running and her costume getting ruined. Some are crying, most are drunk, all are hanging on to their boyfriends who, regardless of what they dressed up as, all seem to look like some sort of wet Jesus. I, in my raincoat and galoshes, take all this in, as I sip on a delicious ice cold beverage.

I would like to thank everyone who helped me make this year a memorable one not just for myself but for everyone everywhere. I would also like to thank the Detroit Red Wings and the cast of Inglourious Basterds, for being so hospitable to me so many times. I would like to thank the homeless guy for what he threw in to the mix, the Virginia State Police for recognizing that shit was under control, Club Velvet for never giving up on the dream of 'Titties inside, Politics outside' America, Capital Ale House for reminding me that getting drunk after getting fired is pretty fun but can be embarrassing if you end up at Fuego Latin Nightclub and can't tell the men apart from the women, and the United States Coast Guard for keeping America's waters so safe it is not even funny.

Mr. Elford’s 2009 holiday beer guide

Christopher Elford — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 11:00:55 +0000

Most of my Christmas memories are very pleasant. My dad upstairs watching ESPN, turning it up to drown out my mother’s Mannheim Steamroller records; my brother on the porch, smoking a cigarette to get his money’s worth on those fingerless hobo-gloves; my sister, silently weeping in the corner as she balances her checkbook. And fair Christopher (THAT’S ME) sitting by the fire, taking it all in, wondering about those gloves, and washing it all down with the greatest gift of all: holiday beer!

Here’s the Alton Brown run-down: when we think of holiday beer we probably think of a specific one we’ve had before. That beer was probably a bit stronger than your normal yellow fizzy in a frosty mug, and it may have been a bit darker. It may have even been spiced somehow. From all the brewing traditions across the world, the truth is there isn’t really one defining characteristic of holiday beer aside from the time of its release: typically between November and January. This might make it seem harder to put a finger on what holiday beer is, but that’s a good thing.

You can purchase some of these with a friend and do a flight of samples to keep costs down, and I’ve labeled each one by ABV (that’s alcohol by volume/ crunkometer rating) and price. We’ll start with the easiest to track down and end with the ones that might take some digging. For some of these you’ll probably have to go beyond Kroger and head over to Ellwood Thompson, Whole Foods, River City Cellars, or Once Upon A Vine.

Harpoon Winter Warmer -- 5.5%, $

This beer is the one the beer nerds would be most likely to sneer at because of its availability and larger brewery size, but this treasure has a lot to offer. It has a nice spicy nutmeg, cinnamon, and clove flavor, along with some bigger notes of prunes and bruled sugar. And at 5.5%, you can have more than one. I’d have about six.

Bell’s Winter White – 4.5%, $

Again, some beer snobs might not be into this one as a winter beer, because it is a Belgian Wit (think of Celis White, Allagash White, or Hoegaarden.) Belgian Witbiers are typically consumed in warmer months because of how refreshing they are. They are refreshing because theyre usually brewed with orange peel and coriander, but these spices are also really quite Christmassy! This brew has soft notes of orange peel and sweet lemons.

Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout -- 10.6%, $

Hooooo boy. Here’s a little jump for ya. This is a Brooklyn’s take on a Russian Imperial Stout. Basically, back in the day, Russian royalty enjoyed English stouts so much that they had some shipped back to Russia. But over the course of shipment, fermentation continued and the stout became much stronger in alcohol than the English counterpart. With chocolate, molasses, and some espresso bite, this is a great beer to pair with a holiday chocolate dessert, or even to enjoy for breakfast on Boxing Day.

St. Bernardus Christmas – 10%, $$$

From the makers of the Abt 12, a beer oft-mentioned in the best-beer-in-the-world argument, this Christmas beer is absolutely awesome. Some great spiced bread flavors (bread is often a flavor imparted by Belgian yeast), dark spiced fruit, and sugary raisins and prunes—all nestled in with a brilliant sweet finish.

Scaldis Noel – 12%, $$$

Spicy clove and raisin flavors make this little jammyjam one of my favorites. It is slightly fruity, slightly sweet, and has a bit of that lingering Belgian bready taste. Many of the people I know through the “beer community” would consider this one of the best Christmas beers. The 12% alcohol does you alright too, yes? And as it comes in a 750ml bottle, be sure to park yourself for the night if you’re saving it all for yourself.

Blue Mountain Dark Hollow- 10%, $$

Settled in between all these big boys is a tiny little brewery from Afton, Virginia. This beer is made every December, and it’s a bourbon barrel stout. This year, they aged their stout for 100 days in 1792 Ridgemont Reserve barrels, and it comes out in the beer big-time. OH but it’s so easily drinkable! This might be my favorite Virginia beer of all time. A great way to give a gift to someone and keep the money local.

Regenbood t’Smisje Kerst- 11%, $$$

This beer has it all. This might be my favorite of the holiday beers. Plums! Cherries! Cinnamon! Spice! Carbonation makes it finish a bit dry, but this beer is like a dark-fruit Christmas bubbly.

De Dolle Stille Nacht-12%, $$

Colored a dark orange/brown, this beer is delightful. It’s a bit dry, a bit tart. You’ll taste some lighter/sweeter fruits, and get notes like pear, white grape, baked apple, and cloves. This brewery is in Belgium, run by one single dude who does everything from brewing to shipping to label design. They say he’s crazy, and I’d believe it. He even painted his mother on one label, a beer called ‘Dulle Teve.’ ‘Dulle Teve’ means “mad bitch.” Sounds like someone didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas.

Photo by: mccun934

Holiday drinking games

Christopher Elford — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:00:21 +0000

It's the holidays! You know, that time of year where we get together with loved ones and drive each other to drink. If you're looking to make your seasonal imbibing a little more interesting, try these on for size...

Pin the Tail On the Savior

Land on the Child: Everyone else drink 1
Land on one of the Magi: Drink 1
Land on the Innkeeper: Drink 2
Land on Marvin Gardens: Drink everyone else's drink

Spell Myrrh

Too many Y's: Drink 1
Too man H's: Drink 2
Not enough R's: Drink 1
Spell it correctly: Drink myrrh

Are the Cattle Lowing?

Cattle are lowing: Drink 1
Cattle are not lowing: Drink 2
Cattle are high fiving: Drink less
Baby awakes: Drink more

Look Out, Good King Wenceslas! (known in some areas as Feast on Stephen)

Poor man comes in sight gathering winter fuel: Drink 1
Fuel has more than one syllable: Drink 2
Good King Wenceslas invades Rohan: Everyone drink 2
Good King Wenceslas invades Stephen: Stephen drinks 2

Whose Child Is This?

Child is unclaimed: Drink 1
Child is yours: Drink until it hates you
Child is left behind: Drink 1
Child is ornery: Child drinks 1
Child is enticing: Everyone drink 2 or 3
Child has gumption: Child drinks 2

Don't Stir the Mouse

Stir the mouse: Drink 1
Don't stir the mouse: Everyone else drink 1
Stir Mama's kerchief: Mama drinks 1
Mouse is about to stir but doesn't really; might have been a twitch: Drink while arguing about whether mice can dream

Census Time!

Total Household Income over $80,000: Drink 1
Religion listed as Theistic Jedi: Everyone drink 1
Occupation listed as Horny Housewife: Drink while nodding in silent approval

Oggle Your Cousin's Wife

She catches you: Drink 1
She doesn't catch you: Keep on ogglin' while pretending to drink
Your cousin catches you: Offer him a drink
Your wife catches you: She drinks 2
Your aunt catches you: Wink 1

Romantic Quatrains From Off the Wagon

Christopher Elford — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 10:30:15 +0000

(A man sits down at the end of a bar and orders a pint. From the other end of the bar, he notices a woman looking at him. Could she be checking him out?)

Do not play games with my heart,
From all the way across the bar.
For the heart is a wandering fiend,
And you're the prettiest girl that I e'er seend.

(He orders another pint and a shot of Jameson.)

Methinks that thou art so cruel,
For thou dostest makest me drool,
As I sip on my pint of this lager,
And you drink down your mead or your grogger.

(Abandoning beer, he orders a double whiskey on the rocks)

Me maiden, say it ain't so!
That ye throwest my heart to and fro!
For bumbling foolest I amest,
When your heavernly look dost me damnest.

(Sensing he should slow down, he asks for a glass of house red wine.)

Tickerling my eyeballs, this smoke
Cannet hide your liking this bloke
Who's reallerly liking his chances
(Givern your candird advances)

(Feeling bold and ready to make his move, he orders a shot of absinthe and a Rumplemintz to freshen his breath.)

I'm just a drinkerling slurper,
All tippled on ginger and bourbnor,
Ready to ensnare my doe,--
FFFFiddlesticks! Where did she go?

Check please!

Author's note: Obviously the misspellings are on purpose, unless you discern that I've misspelled a misspelling, in which case, you are drunk.

Notes on pairing wine with a break-up

Christopher Elford — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:00:20 +0000

Welcome to the exciting world of pairing wine with a break-up. We have all been dissatisfied with break-ups in the past, but perhaps the problem lies in an inability to choose a wine capable of bringing out the stark subtleties and lush character unique to each one. Here are some suggestions to help you remedy this in the future.

Break-up: The Cheater

Wine: American Chardonnay (any)

What dissolution of a relationship could be more clear and yet more angering than one with a cheater? These argument-oriented break-ups tend to be catty, passionate, and often end in tears, which is why they pair well with any American Chardonnay. The Chardonnay grape is by far the most overrated and easy to access, apparently making them a lot like your partner. They slip into your life, and before you know it, you're sipping on what you thought would be a delightfully crisp white only to find you have been tricked by a murky cloak of oak chips. Oak chips are the lies of wine--they cover up risky encounters with a paramour by shrouding the product in a false flavor. The benefit of these in a break-up is they tend to be overly fermented, leaving you with a 13.5% beast to numb the pain and herpes you've inherited through yet another failed relationship.

Break-up: It's Just Not Working Out

Wine: Alsace Sauvignon Blanc

Pleasantly aromatic and herbal, the Sauvignon Blanc from the upper Loire Valley is a perfect compliment for what you thought would be a lovely meal. For a normal break-up you'd go to Bennigans--any place with low lighting to hide the teary bags under your eyes--but on this particular occasion it needs to be special. So here you are at Balthazar in SoHo, considering how few wines pair better with a good meal than Sauvignon Blanc. You'll also want to consider how you'll need a deep flavor profile from the meal and wine to mull over as your significant other searches for words to describe exactly why they need to break off your relationship. Pleasantly remind your partner that, like the South African Sauvignon Blanc, the pleasant acidity can disappear without warning after a year or two of aging and that it was enjoyable while it lasted. As you walk home with a buzz, remember that there are more bottles on the shelf.

Break-up: The Volcano

Wine: A Non-Bordeaux Cabernet Sauvignon

Dinner had been going so swimmingly, when all of the sudden you realized it. They've been complaining about work for 45 minutes straight. It dawns on you: This happens all the time and I've never even noticed it! Who do they think you are? A psychiatrist? Their bitch? A supple breast, waiting to feed them tepid milk to stop their cholicy crying? It is time to say, "NO MORE!" And to go with this defiant upheaval, I suggest ordering a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. The V12 of reds, this big black dildo of a wine has just what it takes to soothe and feed your outrage. And just when you're ready to unload, your Cabernet will remind you that a big ol' stiff fruit in their face is just what they deserve. And I mean big fruit--black berries, currants, plums. When you're finished, please keep in mind this wine tends to be quite strong, so you'd better call yourself a cab.

Break-up: I Am Attracted to Many, Many Other People

Wine: German or Alsace Gewurztraminer

When you've decided the lights haven't been turned down low often enough for you, so much that it is probably time to give your relationship the old heave-ho, it is important to retain your self-respect and admit calmly and candidly that you are on to bigger and better things. And when you've decided you need bigger grapes, reach for this juicy peach. First and foremost, it pairs well with big spicy sausages and strong fish. Second, no matter the price point, Gewurztraminer boasts a thick mouthfeel, and finishes long and viscous. Bone appetit, baby!

Break-up: Looks like I'm Going to Be Incarcerated

Wine: Bourgogne (Pinot Noir)

Well it's probably time to break things off--looks like six years of tax evasion have finally caught up with the savvy restauranteur you were dating. Why not one last meal? That little Thai place you went on your first date? Not hardly. The new Spanish fusion spot recently opened up by that celebrity chef? Eat a dick! You're going to the most expensive place in town. They have a six hundred bottle wine list... How about that Pinot the sommelier had to illegally buy at auction? Sounds good! Finally, a wine you can have with red meat! Dry aged steak, worth more than your ex will be in twenty-four hours, should do the trick. Pinots in Bourgogne are a bitch to grow and maintain, just like relationships. And just like this particular tryst, when the bottle is empty it's time to move on to another... Pardon me, waiter. Is the owner in?

A Literary Analysis of Red Hot Chili Peppers Lyrics

Christopher Elford — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 10:00:24 +0000

In the last 30 years, few authors or musicians have been as prolific and intellectually groundbreaking as Anthony Kiedis of the band Red Hot Chili Peppers. Here, I provide some explanations of some of his more groundbreaking themes, statements, and imagery.

"Lunatics on pogo sticks,
Another southern fried fiend on a crucifix."

Here Anthony Kiedis has taken a simple item from the annals of American kitsch and bridged the 2,000 year gap back to the cross. Mr. Kiedis is not simply saying all who enjoy leisure activities are perceived as crazy in this day and age; he is pointing to the despair that finds you in your later years, especially in the south where many are left with nothing but an age-old recipe for fried food.

"Blood sugar sucker fish
In my dish
How many pieces do you wish?"

Once again, his culinary imagery is top notch. Clearly, the sugary fish represents government's attempts to coerce the American population into keeping their money on American soil. How many pieces? As many as possible, the government answers.

"J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop."

Ah, a quick divergence into the work of Albert Camus--birds (the Questions man asks) blowing meaning into life seems almost straight out of The Myth of Sisyphus.

"Can I get a little bit of that done did do? You are on the road."

Indeed, what can an individual do that has not already been done? As Thoreau said in Walden, no news or accomplishments are actually new. We can only take solace, as Mr. Kiedis does, in the journey that lies ahead of us. We are ALL on that road.

"Hey O, Woah."

What would the alphabet be without that beloved fourth vowel? Fascinating and yet staggeringly impossible to comprehend.

"Writing about the world of the wild coyote, Good man Truman Capote."

I simply adore that Anthony Kiedis felt he would be remiss if he did not mention one of the greatest nature writers of all time.

"To finger paint is not a sin, I stick my middle finger in."

YOU HAD ME AT THE SANCTITY OF FINGER PAINTING.

Political Parties That Never Caught On

Christopher Elford — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 16:00:41 +0000

This past calendar year has been a politically-charged riot in Thinking America. We have seen a White House power shift through the rise of Barack Obama, and things may be on the upswing, but let us not forget those parties who hung up their spurs this year. Most were absorbed by the Democratic Party, such as the Nudist Left's 'Crats-in-Barrels and the ever-shrinking Abortionist Party. But let us also consider the smaller parties which faded out or simply disappeared. These parties, often difficult to track demographically, can tell us some interesting things about where this country is headed.

The hip-hop influenced white party, known for their outspoken opposition to descendants of Andrew Jackson? Yes, the Whigger Party has disbanded, as have the musically charged Jazz-Tap Party, and the holiday-issues oriented Mannheim Steamroller Party. No longer around to remind us that Kid and Play wish to socialize with Martin Lawrence tonight, the House Party has also closed its doors.

Meanwhile, the Sociables Party, known for their long-time commitment to tasty snacks, have announced they will absorb the Funyunist Party. The groups plan to encourage those who make up the Snack Vote to put aside their differences and rock the vote in a "sociable, fun way." The Romulan Party merged with the Insane Clown Party, in what looks to be a vain effort to motivate white-trash nerds, with many predicting them also to absorb the KISS Party later this year. The Public Radio Party is scrambling for a new candidate after Ira Glass failed yet another physical exam, although many say his anecdotal debate style would win only a portion of the Creative Writing Vote, and possibly a piece of the Smarm Vote.

It is surprising to very few that the Nation changes as quickly as it does. In the dot-com boom, America got used to the fact that more than a few political deals were made in the so-called "smoke-filled chat rooms" of the 1990's. While this still goes on, what concerns many who follow the pulse of these smaller parties is that in an economy such as this, fewer and fewer are donating to keep their parties afloat. A party which rocketed onto the national scene in the late 90's, the Emoticon Party is one such example. When I emailed them several times for a look into their funding woes, they simply replied: :-( .

Memos from the desk of: Chatty Kidnappers

Christopher Elford — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 16:00:46 +0000

Hi! I see you standing there. What's your deal? You look helpful, wanna help me load this couch into my van? Couches are so heavy, but I'm sure a strong gal like yourself can lift it! Do you mind going first? I get vertigo when i walk backward. Say, you sure have nice skin! What are you, size 8? If I was a girl I always thought I'd be a size 8. But I'm not, yet. Just kidding! Haha I got you there! Guys don't become girls. At least not without a size 8 in a pit--I mean, if I was a size 8, that would be the pits! But you'd look good on me--or, (hah!) it looks good on you. Your skin that is. An 8 you say? Almost there, just a few steps back. Whew! Couches are so heavy!

Did I tie these too tight? You never can tell. "Different people, different wrists," I always say. Yessir, we all have our own wrists. They don't give you a manual for this stuff, you know. My first time, I couldn't decide between rope and duct tape, so eventually I settled on bungee cords. Bungee cords! What a laugh! I guess you had to be there.

You know what, you guys? I'm sorry, but I just gotta ask. What is a lovely family like yours doing home on a Saturday night? Oh, don't be ashamed, it's nothing to cry over. Going out is sooo overrated anyways, don't you think? Me, I barely ever leave the house. It's just getting too damn expensive! And who knows where to go these days? When I was younger, I went out every night and it was fabulous. Now you can't get a waffle from a wrinkled old smoker for less than a king's ransom. Now that I say that, I'll bet you're glad you didn't go out tonight, aren't you?

Alright! Now! Time for Mister Tied-Up Exec to answer some questions! Isn't it? Isn't it? How much would a big strong man like you fetch these days, hmmm? I bet a million. I bet ten billion! Ooooh-wee! Hee hee! Look at you wiggle! What's that? I can't hear you, Mr. Mouth-Gag McWiggleTrunk! If I'd know you were this playful, I would-a bought you a cosmo and taken you to meet my folks!

Off Broadway Plays That Got Undeservedly Bad Reviews

Christopher Elford — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:00:50 +0000

First of all, I would like to commend Mr. Danny Glover for his commanding performance with Patrick Ewing and Tito Jackson in the classy think-piece, "Does My Sweat Offend You Sir?" And I feel for Danny, I really do. As soon as Don Cheadle busted on the scene everyone forget about ol' Danny, but I believe this comeback performance really shows who knows acting. And you can't tell me Patrick Ewing didn't have an absolute ball in that "Sweat 'N Slide" number, you know, the one where they're at the cookout? Precious.

Second, I don't appreciate the Village Voice's Negative Nancy-style review of one of my favorite new plays this season. Take three unknown actors from three different walks of life and put them together and the kneejerkers there call it "abysmal" and "not well thought through." Well how about you think through this, Mr. Fancy Complaining Know-it-All: When I sat down and watched Rabbi Joseph Rabinowitz, Rev. Tony Jordan, and Muhammed Al-Sabir, I thought they were gold. Pure gold. So I urge all of my readers to please go see, in its final running weekend, "We'll Walk Into A Bar, Then We'll Agree to Disagree."

Star power. You wanna talk star power? How about Will Ferrel, Will Smith, and Willie Nelson in "Aw Hell Naw: A Test of the Wills." Will Smith is a wont-take-no-for-an-answer street-wise badass with a soft heart and a dark past. But when he is forced to defend a couple of complete strangers from the mob, he finds out that there is a lot more to life than staying fresh: There's leaving fresh prints.

I would also like to point out that the pseudo docu-play on Pat Robertson's dog, "Pet Seminary," got completely shit on by the Post for no reason at all. They did it in '88 with the Nazi romantic-doc "Bonfire of the Books" and again in '97 with John Madden's ultra-avant-garde "My Dinner With Andre Risen," but I think the Post has really lost it this time. I don't think that any one of us could name a more touching animal story since "Milo and Otis." I bet the reviewer was a cat person.

Hipster or Hobo: A Richmonder’s Guide to Questionable Fashion

Christopher Elford — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:00:10 +0000

Man 1: Can I bum a smoke?

Man 2: Ugh, get away from me.

Man 1: I'll give you a buck.

Man 2: My apologies, I thought you were homeless. Yes of course, what's mine is yours.

Man 1: Why would you think that?

Man 2: Well, it's just... I'll be honest with you. It's the suede vest.

Man 1: I see.

Man 2: And the neon hat.. and a little bit the tank top too.

Man 1: Alright, you've criticized my entire wardrobe, but these jeans are rather nice, don't you think?

Man 2: Look, I'm going to do you a favor. The only way to learn the ropes, to win in the dicey game we call Hipster or Hobo, is to learn the ground rules.

Man 1: Well I'm all ears.

Man 2: (Singing)
We've all got a choice to make
Between what's right and wrong,
Fashion and ethics don't equate
Unless you learn this song!

Socks and sandals are a no,
Unless you're selling crack.
Zubaz pants can rarely go
With anything but drinking Jack.

Sport coat, fanny pack, cut-off shorts?
For some reason this all works.
But only if you're the quite hip sort
Who hangs around with complete jerks.

Man 1: (Cautiously singing his misgivings)
But what if I went to Virginia Tech,
And like to wear the hat?
Does school spirit pass your fashion check,
Or should I take it back?

Man 2:
Now listen here, you've missed the point!
It's not about where you actually went!
School spirit is fine (if you still pine for the joint,)
But an ironic Yale shirt would be money well spent!

Take for example this woman:
She's got an ample bosom.
But 'Don't Mess With Texas'?
--A novelty shirt?
And coupled with that denim skirt?
I'd rather be eaten and ripped a'pirt,
Than be seen with this big'un all covered in dirt!

Man 1:
So pay extra money,
and skimp on the rent?
Buy a deep vee,
and look like a gent?
Forget about sports,
Start smoking instead?
Put on my Clarks
and they'll all pitch a tent?

Man 2:
Correctamundo, my newest of friends!
I knew that you'd get it in the end!
Ignore the strange looks that you get in the daytime,
Cause after sunset, you'll have a real gay time!

(The two men flick their cigarettes and part ways.)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as interpreted by a Sex and the City fan

Christopher Elford — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:00:10 +0000

When I was a child, I very much enjoyed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Due to the absurdity of the concept, my mother dismissed the violent show as more harmless than Smurfs, and my love affair was allowed to continue. It filled a void in my life after He-Man had turned into a passé, narcissistic twink, and ThunderCats started getting downright racist.

Fifteen years later, my interests having shifted from cartoons to sports to boobies to ska to books to beer, I abandoned all and was sucked into Sex and the City, and what I found was all too familiar.

Carrie Bradshaw is clearly Leonardo. The leader of the group, Leo used a sword much as Carrie used her writing. We aren't sure why these two are leaders, aside from the fact that they're more intricate characters than the other turtles/ women.

Samantha Jones is Michelangelo with tits. He is remembered as the zany one with the insatiable love for "pizza" (sex). NOTE: All the Turtles enjoy "pizza", Michelangelo just enjoys it a lot more. The long reach of his nunchuk is dangerously similar to Samantha's long reach of influence as a PR agent, and even the very name of the weapon hearkens us to recognize her rejection of religion. (Except for the ep in Season 4 where she likes Friar Fuck, but that was about "pizza", not the Good News.)

Let us not dwell, dear children, on Miranda Hobbes's red hair as a dead giveaway that she is none other than the red-wearing Raphael. Typically aggressive question-askers, these two are really the most realistic characters and as such, I dismiss them as prudish and sullen.

Finally, and here's where it gets tricky: Charlotte York is Donatello. How, you ask, could the materialistic, vapid gold-digger be the tech-savvy genius? Look closer. I am sure you have already recognized Donatello's bo-staff as painfully similar to the classic, bow-studded style of Charlotte. But did you entirely miss her love for, knowledge of, and ability to mentally deconstruct artwork as her version of breaking down and rebuilding circuitry? Nay, if she could only have been able to rebuild the circuitry of her marriage with that cardboard baby-giving idiot Trey.

NOTE: Bebop and Rocksteady, as comic relief with no real depth, are clearly resurrected as Anthony Marentino and Stanford Blatch. To whomever has falsely posited that they are Aiden and Big, well, why don't we just ask Shredder and Krang about that?

St. Patty’s Day Non-Pretentious Yet Super-Expert Beer Guide

Christopher Elford — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 00:45:56 +0000

As Americans, we tend to take our drinking-related holidays quite seriously. Even more so, as Richmonders, we tend to take pretty much everything and make it about drinking--from riding bikes to tubing to kickball. So why be lax about what we imbibe on St. Patrick's Day, the grandaddy of all loosely-founded wastefests? We should be free to drink what we like, comfortable in the knowledge that there are magically enough Irish people one day a year to start a formidable land-war in China.

Typically, on St. Patrick's Day people drink one of two things: Harp or Guinness. And there are two good reasons for this: One, they're Irish (duh), and Two, they're light. This is what the term "session beer" means. If you were drinking a high alcohol beer for 7 to 10 hours on St. Patrick's Day, you wouldn't be drunk--you'd be comatose, dead, or floating somewhere in the St. Lawrence seaway. The only problem with drinking "Irish" on St. Patrick's Day is.. it can get kind of boring. In order to fight this, we must branch out! To this effect, here is a short list of other brews you might find on tap at bars this March along with a few reasons to check them out!

Smithwick' Irish Red Ale (4.5% ABV)

This is a traditional Irish Ale that is quite light in alcohol and very smooth. Solid notes of caramel and vanilla, with an appropriate English-style hopping. It pours a lovely caramel/amber color, settling into a creamy little head. If you can handle the Richmond springtime PBR porchfests, you could drink a hundred of these guys. To prevent strange looks, make sure to call it "Smitticks", not "Smith-wicks!"

Fuller's Pride (4.7% ABV)

Fullers London Pride is an absolutely delicious English Pale Ale. English Pale Ales tend to differ from their American counterparts in that their hops are less bitter and up front, instead adding mild bitterness and a full, floral smell. The perfect pint during a soccer match at Penny Lane Pub, this is one of the most respected and well-balanced beers in the world. Some floral and piney hops, with a cooling sweetness and a lot of flavor.

Fuller's Porter (5.4% ABV)

Fuller's London Porter is in my opinion one of the best beers in the world. Long touted and loved by beer connoisseur Michael Jackson (the one who knows beer, not Culkin) as the perfect beer, this is your go-to beer if you want something dark and roasty that puts Guinness to shame. Warm caramel, chocolate, and coffee notes with just a hint of hoppy bitterness. This is a desert island beer for sure.

Rogue Kells Irish Lager (5.0% ABV)

Rogue Brewery in Oregon has been brewing this beer for an Irish pub in their neck of the woods for awhile now, and it is the best example I've found of an Irish Lager (like Harp) made in America. Same sweetness and smoothness you've come to expect from Harp, but with a quicker, crisper finish. The gravity of this beer is right on, so you can float a light stout (like Guinness) on top of it for a black and tan.

O'Hara's Irish Red (4.3% ABV)

This is an insanely light beer for the flavor it possesses. O'Hara's, equally famous for their Dry Irish Stout, has been producing this beer forever, and it certainly will be an eye-opener to Killian's fans. A bit darker than typical red ales, with a coppery but smooth taste that finishes a lot like a lighter beer--a hoppy pilsner for instance.

Murphy's Irish Stout (4.0% ABV)

Another beer for the Guinness lover who wishes to branch out. Murphy's is as thick as they come, with low carbonation and a deliciously warm, roasted espresso flavor. As far as Irish stouts go, I would take this over any others. If you worry about the heaviness filling you up, consider this: it's low carbonation is going to allow it to settle in your belly much easier, with more room to drink! Coming soon is their Imperial version, the Dropick Murphy's Irish Stout. ZING.

Moylan's Paddy’s Irish Red (6.5% ABV)

This to me is the pinnacle of the American Irish Red. Moylan's is a California brewery who is making a fair amount of waves in the beer scene based on their cheap prices (rare these days) and next-level recipes. This brew is characteristic of American versions of European beers: we like to take them and make them bigger and badder. In this case, they amped up the malt and alcohol. With more overt sweetness than most Irish Reds, bringing to mind toffee (Skor bars?) and berries, this is the epitome of what a properly roasted grain can add to a beer. A decent amount of residual sugars (the sugars left over in the brew after fermentation) you can make a full flavored beer with a bit of kick that isn’t going to break the bank. It might take some searching (I'd recommend an ale house or Once Upon A Vine), but this beer is delicious with a great price!